Taking Apart LIFE

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic


I've taken apart my life. In a nutshell. Hope you enjoy

Submitted: February 21, 2018

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Submitted: February 21, 2018

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Part 1: Love=Life


 

Love:

It’s funny how life goes. One minute you’re lost in your own world trying to figure things out, the next you find yourself becoming trapped in another world. One that makes your heart skip beats but also gain. One that makes your breathing quicken but in a calm manner. One that makes you feel like you’re on top of the world even when you’ve hit rock bottom. But the thing is that this world. This parallel universe, comes when you least expect it. This comes when you think you have nothing else to live for. When you have had it with life and you’re sitting there thinking whether or not if it’s even worth getting up in the morning. At least that’s what happened to me…

 

The day my world, became someone else’s. The day I realized I had something I thought I lost. She came into my life unexpectedly, then again doesn’t every great thing come unexpectedly? Almost like a miracle. Her walk became my walk. Her laugh became my laugh. Her smile became my smile. Her voice became my voice. She became my every thought. At first I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know whether or not she felt the same about me, but how could she? She barely knows me... I barely know her but the instant I laid my eyes on her she became my everything. I suddenly found myself curious. Curious about her. About her life. About who she was. Who she is. I became obsessed. No not obsessed. Addicted. Yes, I became addicted. To her laugh, her smile, her eyes, her walk, her scent, her. I became addicted to her.

 

Love. It’s a wonderful word. A glorious feeling. A scary feeling. It’s strange when love comes around. You find yourself loving a lot of things. From books to movies. From dogs to cats. From your aunt to your uncle. Grandparents too. Parents of course. Siblings maybe. But in the mits of everyone, everything, there comes that one person. This one person, looks at you a different way. This person, sees you differently than everyone else. You’re scared, vulnerable. You want to runaway. To shut them out. You have this weird feeling in your chest. Your heart seems to be beating faster yet slower at the same time. Your hands become all sweaty and you’re shaking yet you seem be perfectly calm. Your mind becomes cloudy yet racing with a million thoughts. You become more and more confused yet you see everything clearly. So instead of running away, you look at them. Deep in the eyes. You watch every wall come crashing down, and you realize that this is it. This is love.  

 

This isn’t a cinderella story, and no one dies to make this huge cinematic reveal about love and the great things in life. No that’s all been done before. Those stories have become predictable. Boring. Mundane. This one is different, and as time goes on. It’s still being written. Yes it is a love story, but not the typical one. This “love” story is about life. It’s a life story


 

You see love isn’t about the cute romantic dates. It’s not the silly love poems you write each other. Or the times where you laugh so hard you both almost pee your pants. No, love is about who stands by you when everyone else is against you. Love is who you think of when you first wake up in the morning and the last thing you think when falling asleep. Love is that gut wrenching, roller coaster riding, butterfly feeling in your stomach. It’s that heart pounding, chest heavy, shortness of breath feeling. It’s the unexplainable phenomenon that only happens once in your lifetime. It’s finding your best friend and knowing that they’re your partner in crime. That they are the one who is going to stand with you when everyone is against you. You see, you don’t get to decide when this happens either. You will be sitting there in your local cafe and some random person who you have never seen a day in your life will walk in and you will feel like you have known them your entire life even when you don’t know a single fact about them except that they get a caramel frappuccino without whip every Wednesday afternoon.































 

Life:

Wake up, shower, get dressed, eat, work, sleep. Wake up, shower, get dressed, eat, work, sleep. Wake up, shower, get dressed, eat, work, sleep...wake up... wake up...wake up…

Everything becomes more difficult even with a simple day to day routine. Life becomes almost unbearable because you’re bored and you feel like you need to be doing something more with your life. With you time here on Earth. Depression comes knocking on your door. The secret mistress that no one understands. You stare at the fan watching it do its 700th, 360 degree turn.

“In..out...in...out…” You whisper to yourself as everything becomes blurry. Your breaths become more shallow. Your heartbeat becomes almost nonexistent. You lay there slowly becoming numb as you realize this is your life.

Everyone of you that is reading this has experienced this or knows someone who has experienced this. This realization that sometimes we all get a little unhappy with the way things are in our lives. The way that we live the same boring, typical. Day to day life that seems a bit black and white. No grey spots. We as humans strive for the adventure. Strive for the adrenaline that kicks our heartbeat back to it’s normal thumping rhythm.

 

Some people have more surprises throughout their journey’s. Some good, like going to Hawaii on a family trip. Or getting a dog for Christmas. Maybe getting your crush to like you. Maybe even fall in love with you.

Some bad, like finding out your boyfriend cheated on you with your best friend. Who’s a guy...or even finding out that a close family member has cancer. Those times are hard, yet surprising. I’m sure you can come up with a few on your own for both categories.

 

What do you think of when you hear the word life?

Pain. It’s sometimes unseen yet always there. It’s developing. Making you the person you are today. Without pain there’d be no such thing as life. Life is also fun. Living carefree and doing whatever your heart beats for. It’s finding the person you’re meant to be. The person that is deep within your thoughts that keeps you up at night. It’s taking risks and letting go of the worry just for a few. It’s staring down at your scars and bruises and knowing that you’ve made it this far and you can keep going on no matter what obstacles come your way. It’s driving down the road with the music blasting some song that you haven’t heard in a long time yet still remember all the lyrics. For those few minutes, everything is perfect.

 

Some people take life for granted, I don’t mean they do it intentionally. Hell, we’ve all done it one time or another. I’m guilty for it, I will admit it. You see, the thing about life is that you have to live everyday like it’s your last because tomorrow is not a promise. Everyday, waking up thankful that you’ve made it to the next day.





 

Part 2: Intoxicating=Imaginary

 

Intoxicating:

One sip, two sips, three. You down that bottle of Jameson as if the answers to all your problems are at the bottom of the bottle but you know deep down that in fact you are going to pass out drunk with no memory of knowing that you in fact did drink all of the alcohol in your house as if it somehow would help you retrieve a part of you that was missing.

You drink away your life hoping that you will wake up tomorrow and all your nightmares will lay at rest by your pillow but soon you come to find out that you are going to be vomiting looking down at the toilet bowl knowing that somewhere you fucked up and you don’t know how to fix it.

At the dinner table mom downs another bottle of America's finest beer. “Just one more,” she says but you both know that the entire twenty-four pack will be gone before the clock strikes ten. You stare at your dinner plate reminiscing the good times. How mom would always say that she would never leave you. But now as you’re reading this, and I can say, she left. She left me in this intoxicating world.

Intoxicating; liable for intoxication, being under the influence.

Intoxicating; Exhilarating or exciting.

 

When you think of the word intoxicating you think of alcohol. Cracking a cold one with the boys, hell going out to the club and having those mixed drinks that are “girly” but every guy out there secretly really likes them.

But when I think of intoxicating I think of exhilarating.

The world is intoxicating. The world is exhilarating.

Every corner you turn there is new door that is not yet opened. A new adventure that will take you on this new journey. You might find that your dreams will come true, or you might even find that your own worst nightmare lives just beyond that closed door.

 

You don’t quit understand it, maybe you never will. It’s strange, how this works. How living works. One day you could be filling a cup full of water and you get a phone call, so you set the cup on the counter and you answer the phone. Your breathing stops, your heart skips a beat, and your world comes crashing down. Suddenly you’re driving fifteen miles over the speed limit as your surroundings all collide together. “Cardiac arrest” is the only thing that runs through your mind. Making a sing song with the downshift of your car as it automatically switches gears.

 

Not everything in life is bad though, it’s not always bad. You get those sweet nothings every once in a blue moon which is why we stay here. Why there’s such thing as this world we call Earth. One day you win the lottery, and I’m not talking winning the 7 billion on the jackpot either. I mean if you, one day you become lucky and your entire life changes to something so different. Something you never imagined. You stare at your 7 billion, thinking how on earth you got so lucky to have it in your life. Everyone’s 7 billion is different. What’s yours?


 

Imaginary:

Voices enhance, laughters contagious, screamings inevitable.

Blurry vision, palms sweaty, knees weak.

As a kid you had the dream of being an astronaut. Becoming the president of the United States. You’d be Queen of your island. Having rules of your own that you could break at any given moment.

“Steve Robison, ready for the count! 3...2...1… BLAST OFF!” you jump up and down as the room fills with stars. Your body is lifted from the space shuttle you call a bed as you live on your dreams.

“Mr. President, how do you respond back to the way Pepsi and Coke are handling there dispute?” Reporters line your desk as you suck the rest of your caprisun thinking about the battle between Pepsi and Coke.

Camera flashes bring the sparkling dots that shine bright on the outer ridge of your eyes.

“Please rise for the honorable Queen Micah!” everyone bows as you look upon the horizon. Studying how the sun is setting and laying a beautiful pink blanket on the clouds that are slowly diminishing.

 

We all let our dreams become imaginary. Now you’re sitting in a boring office, making the same cup of coffee every morning. Listening to Jane tell the same story about how Fred went to second base with his new mistress.

You always dreamed about making it big. Being the one who would travel around for years and settle down with the perfect family. Be the perfectly family. Everyone would look up to you and wonder how on earth you became so successful.

You see the key to becoming successful, is not letting your dreams be imaginary.

We all have silly dreams, like being a rockstar or becoming this famous actor who everyone crushes on. Many of us are doubted for these dreams, but if you truly look at it, everyone out there who is an actor, who is singing on top 20 hits. Who wrote the next big screenplay. The author of that famous book. They all had these silly dreams too but they didn’t let their dreams become imaginary. They turned left when it was a right only lane and they made their own path.














 

Part 3: Fearful=Fearless

 

Fearful:

“Everybody in their own imagination decides what scary is” Yvonne Craig

 

Everyone has their own fear. Whether it’s from childhood experiences or something that just happened yesterday. Either way we all have that one fear that we all feel completely insecure about. Like the fear of dogs. Scared of a rabid blood sick creature who is really just a soft teddy bear will come and rip you apart. Or even when the creepy clown comes to your 8th birthday  to make some animal balloons for you and your friends. Sounds kind of silly...right? To be scared of a humans best friend. Or a guy with a lot of overused makeup on his face.  But the truth, it’s not silly. We all suffer from many different fears but the the thing that holds society together but tears it apart is that we all have fears. Some more strange than others, like being scared of the fluff ball, cotton. Some more known than others, like being scared of the dark. Matter of fact, I bet you, the reader, can think of two fears or phobias right off the top of your head. I know I can….

  1. Autophobia: The fear of abandonment.

At age 4, her father left her on the doorstep of her mother's arms. At age 11, her step dad left her sight after all the beatings and verbal abuse he did to her. Ripping her of her innocence. At age 12 her mother left her for a guy but soon came back to take her with her. Moving from place to place she never had a place to call her own. At age 14 her friends left her for being different then the other people they knew.  At age 16 her mother left again, for this liquid that made her forget about the pain that she held within. At age 17 her grandmother left her because of this killing disease that ate her from the inside out..as for the rest of her life..it’s still being written..people come and go but what they don’t get is that when they do come they leave a trademark that tears at the person's heart and mind for years. Leaving them wondering why on Earth you left them.

  1. Atychiphobia: The fear of failure.

Their laughter echoes within my ears as the room begins to spin. All eyes trained on me as the walls start caving in. judgement fills the room as I stutter out my name. A name that I’ve said a million times but sounds so foreign passing through my teeth. I’m okay, I say in disbelief as I continue talking to the people who have told me nothing but bad things my entire high school career. Giggles from every corner fills the void as bile crawls its way to the surface of my mouth.

“FAILURE!” his voice screams in my head. As I run out of the room. Down the hall and to the bathroom. I lock the stall behind me as I slumped to the floor. Tears spring from my eyes. His voice gets louder…”failure, no good, worthless…” singing in my head, not able to escape..

Words do hurt people. They tear at their minds and break them down mentally. Not knowing what they did so wrong to deserve this, they dwell on the fact that failure is all they will ever know they are good for..



 

Fearless:

“The devil asked me how I knew my way around the halls of hell. I told him I did not need a map for the darkness I know so well.” t.m.t

 

Standing up in front a giant crowd, speaking about something you are passionate about. Something you fear you will be made fun of if you let it out.

Standing up to a middle school bully. Throwing yourself in front of a kid who is getting beaten up.

Standing up to your parents, family members, friends when they’re in the wrong.

Standing up for what is right even when you are the only one who thinks it is right.

Standing up for yourself when no one else will.

Standing up for someone else when everyone laughs at them.

These are all acts of being fearless, these are all acts of showing courage and strength..

 

Snakes, spiders, sharks, tigers, bears, clowns, strangers, cotton, living, dying. What is the common thread in all of these?

Fear. you’re scared of the eight legged monster that crawls around your carpet floor in your bedroom. You’re scared of the slithering slimy long rope that moves through your yard. You’re scared of the overgrown cat that lies in the sun all day. You’re scared of the fat brown creature that stalks the woods. You’re scared of the guy who wears to much makeup to your birthday. You’re scared of the person walking behind you. You’re scared of the white cloud fluff ball sitting on your bathroom counter. You’re scared of waking up tomorrow to breathe. You’re scared of getting out and facing the dreadful world we live in.

We all face our fears every day. We all go through life scared out of our minds. Trembling to the core. Scared that someone is going to notice just how terrified you are but, what you must know is that everyone around you, is just as scared as you.

 

Fact: Everyone has fears.

Fact: Everyone is fearless.

Being fearless doesn’t mean you don’t fear anything. It just means that you have come to the conclusion that no matter what those fears are always going to be there. Being fearless means that you are courageous enough to look fear in the eyes and say that it will not hold you back from living your life.

Fact: Fear has two meanings, Face Everything And Rise or Fuck Everything And Run.

Fact: YOU have control.







 

Part 4: Equality=Empathy

 

Equality:

Men are stronger than Women.

Men get more money at jobs than Women.  

Gays are not allowed to work in certain public places because it’s “Frowned upon in their establishment.”

Transexuals are not allowed to join the military.

Freaks are not allowed to sit with Geeks

Nerds are not allowed to hang with jocks

Cheerleaders are not allowed to be around dancers

Theater kids aren’t “normal”

Where does it end? It’s not a black and white world. No matter where you turn you are faced with being different. For being lower than others. For not having the right style of clothing to wear everyday to school. For not getting that promotion at work because you weren’t as young and sexy as the new office worker who started last month. For getting looked down upon because you’re different than the average person, the normal person.

What is normal? Is it waking up every day at 6am and start your daily commute to the big city. Is it going to school everyday with the brand new shoes that new rapper wannabe dropped. Is it liking the opposite sex because that’s how you were raised, not what you feel.

 

By webster's dictionary equality is defined as the likeness or sameness in quality, power, status, or degree. However where in the world is everyone treated equal?

No one is treated equal in huge corporate offices. Not in big cities. Not in local towns. Not in schools. Not even in homes.

15 years of age, I came out for being bisexual. I went to a very Christian school. One that severely frowns upon anyone who is anything but the blessing of christ. However, that wasn’t and isn’t me. For years I was taunted by my other classmates. In one of my  classes I was petitioned out of the girls changing room because they felt uncomfortable with me being there. Going down the halls I was called the devil's project. I couldn’t go to the principle because even he was against it all. No one was on my side. Besides myself.

 

Everyday there is someone being bullied, being pressured, being downed for the things they are not instead of being praised for the things they are. Growing up my friends would get teased because they weren’t the same skin shade as everyone else. They spoke differently. Had different opinions on certain things. If you’re not “Normal” then you’re nothing at all. That is what society has taught me, what has society taught you?






 

Empathy:

She walked with the weight of the world on her shoulders. Carrying herself in a way that no one understood and no one ever would. Her life crashed down around her as she cried herself to sleep each and every night. You would have never guessed that she too was broken, just like you.

 

Blind. The world is blind. Society is blind. People are blind. You are blind. I am blind. You walk through the day, looking at people, talking to people. But do you notice that? The strain in their voice? The excitement they’re holding back? Do you see them shaking as they write? Do you see them bite their bottom lip? Do you see their chewed down nails? No you don’t. You don’t, not because you choose but because you are blind.

 

You don’t notice that the world isn’t full of robots and you’re the only human. You don’t notice that when you say things,“go to hell” “kill yourself” “worthless” “failure” “twitch” “weird” “freak” “gay” “lesbian” “trans” “sin” “devil”, you’re putting a label on someone that doesn’t belong their. We live in a empathy free world. No one really knows what the word even means but it means showing feelings for one or another. Relating to how they feel and most people today are not empathetic. We treat each other like garbage. Slandering one's name. Making each other feel less of themselves. Maybe you don’t notice you do it, maybe it’s just your personality. You were raised like this. You were given the tools to lack empathy but think of this, her mother drank herself into an oblivion. Expecting nothing less than for her daughter to come to save her. When for years, she sat back and watched her daughter suffer alone. Letting this killing disease called depression take over the both of them. She worked herself nearly to death. Making her life just a little less miserable. Nothing was ever good enough though. Step dad verbally abusive. Mother didn’t care. She woke up at 8 every morning. Worked till 4am. While her mother woke up at 9 every morning and drank till 3am. Now she has no recollection as to what her mother looked like, acted like, did. Before the alcohol took over. And because of that, her daughter no longer has a mother.

 

We don’t notice that our actions speak louder than words. We don’t notice that we’re not in this world alone, and that’s one main reason empathy is shout out into the void.







 

By,

Jordan Romer-Nixon

 


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