My Life (so far)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic


This is how I feel.

Submitted: February 21, 2018

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Submitted: February 21, 2018

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Alone at night is when I'm the most hopeless. I think of everything bad that's happening to me and think about how it's not going to get better. I live in a one bedroom apartment with my mom who goes to her job that tires her out and pays terrible. I go to a school where I just want to get it done and over with but I'm actually stressed out of mind. I miss school days because I'm so stressed I think I need a break but then I realize that I just made myself more stressed because I get further behind. I see a person at school who I don't want to see or talk to. I act like this person doesn't exist and pretend that I don't care about anything. It's the only way I can make it through the school day. Pretend nothing is wrong and that I'm slowly losing my mind. Music is one of the things that take me away from the stresses of everyday life. It make me think of better times. People always wonder why I read so much. I read to escape. If I think about something emotional that's happening to me I will stay on that idea until I cry from being worried. Reading makes me focus on other things. It takes me away from my problems. I know the difference between reality and fantasy. I'm not lost. I know not to get lost in fantasy because I know it will never happen in real life.

They say that guys actually are more sensitive after a break up then a girl. The only reason why people think otherwise is because guys hide it better. I totally agree. You can't show true emotions anymore. You have to hide your sadness or depression because people expect you to be happy. They think you're joking when you say your life sucks or that they just want to not exist. You can't say the truth or show the truth. No one cares about my problems, everyone has their own so why would they need to mine? Love can be the best thing and the worst thing. It can build you up and tare you down. It's the greatest pleasure and the worst pain. It can make a man experience bliss and drive a man crazy. I'm only sixteen and have many things to experience yet. But, already I am hopeless in the search for love. Why can't I just give my love to someone? I have so much to give yet no one to give it to. I love to help others but I can't even help myself.

The only time I've thought about suicide was when I hit my rock bottom. I couldn't imagine me putting a gun against my head and pulling the trigger. I've thought about getting in my car and just driving until I run out of gas. But I know I would never do it. You can't run from pain. It stays with you until you finally have the courage to face it. I know that if I ever really did commit suicide, my pain wouldn't go away. It would go to my family and friends. And I just can't do that to them. They care for me and they will always support me. But I can't talk about my problems with them. They have problems of their own. They have better things to worry about, not some sixteen year old who has depression. I bottle my emotions until I can't hold them in anymore and cry quietly to myself wondering who I am and why I'm here and why everything sucks. I can never show my true pain, and I doubt I will anytime soon.

I look naught for sympathy. But for happiness in others who enjoy my stories.

“And incase I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight.” -Jim Carrey


© Copyright 2018 Jack Randolf. All rights reserved.

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