Dialogue Only.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Flash Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic


I published this little piece for a flash fiction contest on Wattpad. The rules were to write a piece under 1000 words, using only dialogue. I thought that I would post the piece here too, since it
fits into my Under a Grand Cap collection.

Submitted: February 24, 2018

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Submitted: February 24, 2018

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"Honestly, I've never heard of that being used as a murder weapon before..."

"I... what?"

"I'm just... you know, panicking on the inside but am trying to keep it together because I'm supposed to be good at keeping calm under pressure - it's on my resume you know - but when I panic I tend to ramble so you picked Not The Best victim to be murdering. But seriously, where the hell did you get this idea? If I'm gonna be murdered, I should be murdered by someone who's actually serious about it-"

"Listen here, you little shit, you shut the fuck up or I'll-"

"You'll what? Murder me? You already said that a minute ago. So, what, then? You'll fling your spatula at me? Man, maybe calling the cops was a good idea. They'd put in the effort-"

"You're insane!"

"Ah ha ha, nah man, you're the one with the spatula. I think we're probably about even. Unless you really are going to try to murder me. With the spatula. Then, well, maybe you've got the edge on me in the Crazy Department."

"You're stalling. Turn around and face the wall. Put your hands above your head. This ends here and now."

"Hey hey hey, we can talk about this."

"No. It's 4AM."

"Hm, not a morning person, eh?"

"Listen, you. Get out of my goddamn house."

"Hm, you already said that too. Well, no siree bob, I can't just go and do that. See, I came for your flat screen and jewellery and all that shabang. You know, the expensive stuff. Your 'valuables'? You don't go in to work and happily drive yourself home at the end of the day for free. A fella's gotta make himself some cash. Earn an honest living."

"You think this is an honest living? Robbery?! You are insane."

"Now, now, keep your distance. I did say it was just a spatula but I'm sure it'd do some good blunt damage with a swing from a big guy like you. That would be so embarrassing, getting taken down by a spatula. Man, but seriously, you could've grabbed any one of your butcher's knives or that weirdass spiked thing I saw on your counter - what the hell even is that anyway? It looks ancient."

"...A meat tenderizer?"

"Yeah, sure, that thing. Hell, even a pot or pan would've worked better than a spatula. Where did you learn your self-defense? An infomercial?"

"I didn't think I would have to fend off a crazy robber in my own home!"

"Ah, fair enough. You had pretty decent security. But hey, there's always the 1 percent. You gotta be prepared. What if someone gets past your security, right? I mean, obviously someone did. Right? You know, me? No? Not funny? Ah, Jesus! Okay, okay, I'm backin' up. See? I'll just... NOW, Barry!"

"Shit!...
...You motherfucker, you tricked me! Get back here!"

"Nope! Listen, I gotta grab something! My boss'll kill me if I don't at least get like a piece of gold or something. You're not married, are you? That would work."

"I'll kill you before they even get the chance to try it themselves!"

"Hm, so not married."

"AGHHHHHH!"

"Oh boy, maybe not ever with that attitude. All right, let's just grab this laptop here then... Ok, now get to the window...
...Shit."

"Hah, we have screens."

"...All right man, I'm real sorry about this. I didn't want it to come to this."

"...A gun."

"Yyyyup. And I will shoot if you don't let me walk out of here nicely."

"You wouldn't shoot me. If you could, you would have done that a long time ago."

"Nah man, contrary to popular opinion, not all thieves want to go around murdering people. That's why we're called 'thieves' and not 'murderers,' you know? I'm here for some harmless burglary. But! If you do stand in my way, well, I'll have to put you down. The boss isn't as kind as I am, so you be glad I'm even offering you this favor."

"...Hah, I don't think so, kid. Your safety's not even off."

"...
BARRY-!"

"Shut it. I know you're bluffing. Now drop the gun, and the valuables... and get the fuck off my property. Or I will use this spatula."

"... 'Aight. You got me. Ok, I'm setting this down... And... now your laptop... Okay, that should be it. Haha, it was nice to get to know ya, you know? You seem like a strong dude, uh, keep it up. Now, uh, you'll let me go...?"

"No, you asshole. Eat. My. Spatula."


© Copyright 2020 R. Tally. All rights reserved.

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