Rise and Demise

Reads: 27  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

More Details
Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic


Writing to help cope, just word vomit I am hoping to organize and clean up. Its a overview of the last 2-6 years of my life.

Submitted: February 25, 2018

A A A | A A A

Submitted: February 25, 2018

A A A

A A A


You're never really ready, you know? You can prepare all you want, and it’s wise to do so, however let me tell you, nothing is as it seems.

Five foot three, one hundred and thirty pounds, blonde hair, all done up, and covered in tattoos. It is August 23rd 2013, and its nearly the biggest day of her life. Being the first person in your family to graduate from college with a degree is a beautiful feeling, no doubt. However, what about the expectations to follow?

She wasn't big on change, she liked her routine and habits. One day, that part of her was no longer. In one weeks time, she graduated college, broke up with her boyfriend of three years and decided to move across state with a friend she barely knew. This all occurred after the untimely death of a friend who was near and dear to her heart.

So, what's she running from? Broken home? Lack of emotional intelligence? It's quite possible that trauma forced her into a fight or flight mode. Fleeing the scene, and forgetting anything ever happened. Never stopping to process what was going on, just accepting, then joking, then gone.

Bright eyed and bushy tailed, she arrives in Orange County, the land of opportunity, every salesperson’s dream. It was there, right there she would fall, flat on her face. Not without help of course. Her boyfriend at the time, a xanax abusing, smooth talker with deep pockets was the bain of her existence. She got pregnant, and he made it simple. Have the abortion, or be single. 300 miles away from her support system, she had to make a choice.

24, jobless, alone and pregnant.

Sounds like a terrible MTV show, doesn't it?

Of course she had the abortion, she had come too far to give up and go home now. She left the dude, focused on herself, and got a job at the mall. Nordstrom's was going to be the chance she knew she needed. Meanwhile, on the home front, things had become rather tense between her and her roomate. She knew working full time would help, but also knew she had to get out.

It was the last week of September, she wrote a check for $800.00, she was pretty confident it would clear. "Here is my last rent check, i'll be moving out the first week of November." She quickly shuffled up the stairs, but before she could shut her bedroom door, she could hear the commentary from her roommate, about how ungrateful and terrible she was.

She worked as many hours as she could,  along with her second job, and within two months she had made a great friend, and saved up just enough money to move out. Enter, Jess, she offered to share a room with me in a nearby apartment, my share of the rent was $475 and Shecould barely afford it. We shared a bed, and became completely inseparable. She was finally happy again, over her ex, the roommate, and any other problems.

She decided she had to get out of Nordstroms about a year later. She wanted to make more money so Jess and her could get their own place, she had stepped into the big sister role that made her feel needed, and wanted to provide. Medical device was a career path that had always been a dream, and when she landed that job, her whole world changed.

"The world is at my fingertips!" She exclaims! "I can literally do everything I want." This mentality ended up being a slippery slope. Working remote, gave her lots of flexibility with work/life balance. She was working early mornings, starting around 4am or so. However, with this lack of structure she began to slack off, doing what needed to be done, but nothing extra.

Idle time is NOT this girls friend, let me tell you. She began to become comfortable and wanted ways to make more money, and with Orange County being such a prestigious area of California, the money was there, just wanting to be taken. She decided to start dating for money, it was a thing. Go to lunch, chat for an hour make a quick $200 and be on your way. One thing led to another and she was just manipulating men for money, never sex, but mind games and promises of intimacy.

And now, we arrive at the rise and demise of Scott Jacobs. She met him when she was 15, they shared a special bond and kept in touch over the years. They had always loved each other. Scott as she liked to call him, was a tortured soul. He never stood a chance from the second he arrived on this planet. He was born into an abusive household with a mother who just enabled him. He turned to drugs when he was 15, right around the time they met.

During those ten years they kept in touch, Scott was in and out ot rehabs, and multiple correctional programs, both military and civilian, even internationally. Once they reconnected, it was pure bliss. It was the happiest times of the lives, the happiest either of them had been in quite some time, or ever. They dated for a few months, spending nearly every moment together, he was a grower, so he had lots of free time. His ex-girlfriend was still in his life, she lived at their own house where his current grow was. She didn't let this bother her, afterall she was a strong, confident, alpha female.

He was clean during this time, or so he said. He was constantly taking benzo's he would get from Mexico, or his mother would said he was no longer allowed in the country. About three months of dating and they decided to get married. Suddenly. High on "goo" one night, which is a concentrated form of psilocybin. Likely not a great time to make choices, but we live and learn, don't we?

Let's fast forward a few weeks, head over heels for the world's most intelligent narcissist, she started putting every priority she had on the back burner. August 20th, 2015, Shotgun wedding, followed by parties, late nights, quitting a dream job, leaving her best friend and moving somewhere she hated, all to please him. What did her parents say you ask? Nothing, because they had no idea what their only daughter had fallen victim too.

December 2015, things REALLY started to fall apart, he had dug into her emails from before they were together. Yes, about being a sugar baby, and he lost it. He was so insecure he would scream and yell and call her a whore. Tell her he wanted a divorce, or an open relationship since that's the type of "woman she was". He became incessantly cruel, stapling items of clothing to the bedroom wall, items that those men had purchased her. He used to say it was like rubbing a dog's face in its own shit.

She thought to herself” She have never felt so small.”  

 

His drug use continued, and so did his strange behavior. He used to spend time with her, and leave out of nowhere with no explanation, later he would tell her he was demonstrating to her that he didn't need her and could leave at any time. Mid March it was brought to her attention that he was having an affair. Being in a weakened mental state and completely alone, she reverted to an old habit. she cut her left wrist so bad she had to get two sets of stitches and has permanent nerve damage. She  didn't want to die, but She was looking for an out.

This is when you think she finally runs home with her tail between her legs. Right? Wrong. she stuck around, that's right. She  stayed with him. The abuse continued, along with the drug use. His friend was part of this annual event in the desert, "Shit Show" named accordingly. It was about 150 people in the middle of the desert doing acid and partying for three days. She  dosed, he dosed, all was okay. It was clear she didn't want to be there, but she figured the drugs would curve that. He of course took way too much, and it also came out later that someone "drugged him" and gave him a gold liquid, and that's what caused him to lose his mind. This is something we will never know.

The sun was starting to come up, and  they were headed back to their  tent. They were laying there, relaxing and Scott kept saying that they were outside. She kept asking Who? Who Scott who is outside? He assured her not to worry and when they come, he will kill her first. She started to panic, and just acted like she was going to sleep hoping he would stop. He told her he had to find out if the gun had real bullets in it. So he fired the gun into the air. Scaring the hell out of her she told him she was leaving. She  stood up and unzipped the tent. Walked out and stood by her car's right passenger window, trying to put her boots on. With her back to the tent, she was met by the loudest noise. He had fired the gun at her, and missed her by a few inches, taking out the passenger window.

At this point in her life, that car was really the only thing she valued., She  screamed and yelled.She ran as fast as she could. It was freezing out there, so she had to get back. She was met with him screaming at her that she  was ruining everyone's time because she was upset. Crying she just wanted to go home, he told her he was disgusted with her  and she was so selfish. The next morning She pleaded to go home, he was not about to have that. Everyone looked at them a little differently because some saw what happened. He also let me know since She told everyone what he did...(She didn't, it was a gunshot, they heard it) they had also tried to poison him.

She cried the whole way home, the three hour drive. Its April 2016 by now, and there is no way around it.  She had to get out. She was scared of him, his mental state was deteriorating, fast. He started sleeping with a gun in the bed, or a knife. She would find him outside at four in the morning, screaming at the top of his lungs. She tried to plead with him daily, but She always ended up screaming "I can't argue with crazy". It would of course come in waves, and sometimes things would be okay.

There were times She would try to find ways to enjoy his company, She Wanted it all to work so badly. They decided to go down to San Diego for the day, and walk around and explore like they  used to. She dressed up, and felt really pretty. He promised he would only have one drink, and all was well. When he went to order a second, She looked at him, he removed his hand off her leg and asked "Why are you doing this" She looked down and apologized. He continued to pick on her, she started to cry. She looked up and a woman across the way mouthed the words, "are you okay?" She looked back down, and avoided her the rest of the meal.

 

They got home, tensions were still high, He went to work on the grow next door. She poured her normal huge glass of wine to help cope, and hit the bong as hard as she could. He came to bed later, they had sex, cuddled and woke up the next day. This was the routine, abuse, depression, coping, but the sex was always there. They were attracted to each other on a dangerous level.

One night She decided she wanted to go watch the basketball game, solo. He asked to come and She said no because She wanted to enjoy it. He begged to go so She said okay, we sat down, it was packed and ordered some food and drink. He started nit picking at her, commenting how She didn't understand and was so small minded, etc. She kept asking him to please stop, just watch the game and enjoy the beer. He kept at it, kept pestering her, the guys next to them started to notice, and then he blamed me for making a scene. One last time She asked him to leave her alone, so he took her purse, her keys, and her phone, and he left. He left her  30 minutes from home, with the bill, no phone, no car, and no jacket. She started to cry, went to the bathroom, collected herself and figured She would watch the game.

She came back to the bill,  sit down and the  guys next to her offer to pay and say "your boyfriend is a dick, no one deserves that" She quickly corrected them and says that's my husband, and thank you, She really appreciates that. They offer to give her a ride home but She Tells them i better walk in case he comes  looking for me. She walked to the nearest gas station,  called her dad. He offers to get her an uber, but can't figure out how. She tells him that she has another ide and will call him back. She called Jess, She hadn't spoken to her in months. She dropped everything and came and got her..

Were getting your stuff, and your staying with me she says. We get home, he is there. Acting overly nice and asking how Jess's night is, Shego to grab my work clothes and he comes in asking if She was going out for the evening with my friend in the most passive aggressive tone. She lost it. She started screaming, She got in his face and grabbed him by his throat up against the hallway wall. She told him She hates him, and then spits in his face. She let go, turned around and he grabs a bottle of wine and hits her over the head.

She hit the floor and Jess collected her, loads everything in the car. She stayed with Jess a few nights but of course came home. Begging and pleading for him to go to the VA, he finally makes an appointment. She is at work, and  got the call that changed her life, at least until the next call.

"Mrs. Jacobs?"

'.....Yes...'

"This is Dr. Henderson from the VA in Oceanside, we have your husband Scott, and we need you to get up here"

"Is he still breathing?"

"Yes, he is physically fine"

"Im on my way"

She hung up the phone and collected my things. Without saying a word, She walked out of her office. It was the longest 45 minute drive. They called her a few times asking how much longer, they needed me there now. Panicking,she drives as fast as she can. She arrived to her husband strapped down to a gurney, screaming, yelling. The nurses are saying how sweet it is he has been screaming for her. Completely mortified, she sits down with the team of doctors and quickly run through his history. They let her know he is being put on a 5150 hold, for 72 hours and at that time they will reevaluate.

She followed the ambulance down to the nearest VA psych ward. They rolled him into the ER, he was screaming racist comments, and homosexual slurs, something my sweet Scott would never do. Mid panic attack and sobbing a nurse grabs me and puts me in a room to calm down. They let me know they needed to medicate him and it was best Sheleave, they didn't think She should see him like this. She pushed back, let me say goodbye, She wanted him to know she was  there.

They walked me by his room, he was completely strapped down, gloves, spit mask, the whole nine. She told him She loved him, and he blankly stared at me. Shewent home, Shereturned to the place She hated, because She always felt alone there, even with him. But there i was, truly alone, but for the firstime She felt safe.  However, now Shehad to manage the grow, my two jobs, and seeing him. She started to have nightmares he would break out of the hospital and try to kill me.

72 hours passed, and the doctors decided to put him on a 21 day criminal psych hold. He had attacked a nurse. One day She will remember for the rest of my life, July 4th 2016. Because its a holiday? No, because this was the day it finally clicked. There She was, driving home from an exhausting hour visit with my husband at the VA, which was filled of him hating me, and then begging for me. Shehad worked 14 hours that day, saw him, then was driving home to be alone, As i come up on 5 freeway, one of the prettiest stretches in California she

can see all the fireworks from the military base near by.

Being reminded of summer nights, family, celebrating, friends. It was at that moment She realized, She had nothing left, Shehad to start over. Shehad to go. If i wanted to survive, Shehad to save myself.

9 days later, her husband was released, 2 days after that. She got on a plane to Tampa, FL with one suitcase, and my cat. She never stopped, She never looked back, She never cried. She just kept going.

So here we are, Tampa huh? Its July 15th, Shestart at my new office on July 18th, and Shemake $500 a week. The first nine months of my time in Florida was difficult, a different difficult than She had just been through, and She knew if She could do that, She could do this. She worked two jobs, and only focused on paying off the 15k in debt Scott had racked up during our short time together. Lucky for me, and in a weak moment for him, he agreed to pay me back 6k of it. Around 12 months into my new life, She was starting to feel okay, She finally was making commission and could start to live a decent lifestyle.

For the first time, She felt like entertaining dating. Although Scott was still dragging his feet on signing the papers,She went on one date, and that was all it took. We connected super well and we were crazy about eachother. He had his shit together, and motivated me to do better. She was finally dating someone who was on my level. Now about four months into this bliss,  Irma hits. It was a hurricane headed directly for Tampa Bay. Scott called on that Thursday, asking if She was okay, and the basic check in call. He told me he loved me and to take care. As usual, She said "No promises!" in a joking tone. It was two days later, the Saturday when the eye of the storm was supposed to hit. She got the call. Surrounded by my closest friends in florida, who.... Shehad known a few months. She stepped into the other room, it was Todd, a friend of Scott's. She figured he was asking about the storm.

"Denise? Have you talked to Scott?"

"Yeah, the other day, whats up?"

"Denise....Scott's dead."

She screamed, She hit the floor. She begged Todd, NO, NO TODD PLEASE NO.

"Denise I am so sorry"

So, Here i am. Locked down in a house, waiting for the storm, finding out my still technically husband had passed away. Our divorce was not final. She called her Boyfriend, nothing. NO answer. He txts, whats up? She tells him “She need to talk”, and he says “I don't feel well, just tell me here"

"Someone died"

He says he is “so sorry babygirl”.

End of conversation.

She spend the rest of the weekend with a bottle of jack, on a couch with my cat, and my good friends mourning the loss of my husband. Completely lost, She had no idea what to do. The storm passed and She returned home. No power, no AC, just me and my cat. Thinking about Scott and hurting, alone wanting any source of comfort.

She didn't seem my boyfriend for a week or so, we talked about it and he was understanding. As was i. How weird when your girlfriends husband dies.

She went to San Diego two weeks after he died to deal with the house and our cat we had together. When She spoke to his cousin She was under the impression She could come to our old house and say goodbye to Scott. She let her know when She arrived that She was not welcome at the house. This crushed her. She still have plans of going back there, she no longer lives there, and talking to Scott, She would love to speak with him. She never got to hear the letter he left, and She always wonder what he had to say. She have heard parts, and from what She can understand he was at peace. He was not using, he was only on his antidepressants. His mother found him, he had used her gun to kill himself. He explained he was having a hard time telling the difference between reality and his thoughts. The voices had increased.

Two months went by and She felt like things were going to be okay, it was manageable. Boyfriend decided otherwise. He took off two months later without reason. Hurt, and depressed. She refocused on work.

She took a new job, January 2018, it is the chance She needed to change her whole life. She’s hurting, and not sure what to do next. But one thing She does know is that she has a chance to really make something of herself. She told herself,” my lease is up in July, if I am seeing success by then at work, I  will stay put. If for some reason I am not, then it might be time to throw in the towel and return to San Diego so i can at least be close to my parents as their mid-seventies approach.”

 

All She knows at this point, is that you always have the power to say. “This is not how my story ends”

 

2.25.18

 


© Copyright 2018 S.Riley. All rights reserved.