What am I supposed to do

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic


I wrote and published this in hopes that I am not the only one going through this.

Submitted: February 26, 2018

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Submitted: February 26, 2018

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When I was younger, it was perfect. I had a bedtime of 8pm, you made me say my prayers before bed. You made breakfast in the morning, and made me do my homework and make my bed when I got home from school. What ever happened to you? Now I'm all grown up and I can see the truth, drugs got to you. I've tried helping, but what am I supposed to do when the only person that can help you is you? Every month it's something different, yet it's all the same. You overdose, get an eviction notice or say you're going to commit suicide or self harm because you just can't handle it anymore. I want to help but what am I supposed to do? Everyday I worry I'm going to finally get that call saying you overdosed and didn't make it, Lord knows you've tried it times before. And I'm so hesitant to answer the phone when I see your name pop up, because I never know if you're calling to see how I'm doing or if you need something out of me. Although every time it's the same thing, I still remain hopeful that it's just so you could hear my voice. Unfortunately, I'm wrong every time, and I get so upset with myself because I know, I know what you're calling for, I know that you just need something out of me. Yet I still have hope when I know it's a hopeless situation. But now things are changing, you're getting worse, and slowly but surely I'm losing hope, I don't want to, but what am I supposed to do? You've taken advantage of me and I can no longer trust you, but I know that what you have is a sickness so I cant really blame you. All I can think to do is keep my distance and guard myself from you. But why should I have to do that? I'm tired of it mom, I'm tired of your lies and false promises. I'm tired of you being too high to talk or even look at me when I visit with the kids. I'm tired of being woken up out of my sleep for you to borrow more money that's just going to disappear once you get your hands on it or for me to do you another favor. And I'm tired of falling for your sob stories when I know they are just scams for your next fix. But I also know that I can't abandon my sick mother at her weakest point. So tell me, what am I supposed to do? One day you say you're going to quit, and I'm more than willing to drive you to the rehab center and take care of Cam while you're gone. But then the next day comes, and when I call to ask when you'll be ready to leave, you're too high for me to even understand your slurred words. The only sentence I am able to make out of your mumbled voice is "I'll go next week", but do you ever go? No. Instead you try to get off of heroin by using other drugs that "help with withdrawal" or "aren't as bad". Everyday I wish that you were the old you again, the you that didn't have to depend on drugs to get you through the day, I want to help you mom, but I've finally realized, there's nothing that I can do.


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