I am Fine...

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: February 26, 2018

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Submitted: February 26, 2018

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“I am fine!”

What a deep sentence indeed. Just 3 words and behind them is a whole big story with lots of tears, pain, hatred, revenge and sometimes even blood. Everyone have their own definitions for this sentence, “It means being alright.” , “It means feeling good.” and I have even heard , “Fine means there’s nothing particularly going wrong.”

I don’t know which one is the most popular but I do know which one is not, my definition. For me when someone says that he or she is fine it is a codeword or an indication for saying help me. But many a times they are afraid of their friends judging them. So instead of telling about all the explosions and disasters happening inside their head, filling their heart, their lips form a fake smile and they say what they think will deceive you, “I am fine…”

This isn’t a story of a high schools nerdy girl falling in love with the schools most handsome guy, or you can say player, but this is an ordinary story of an ordinary girl, me, Astoria Mistrade, having an ordinary life which is full of sorrow and pain nothing else.

It was 17th of June, 10 years ago, which was supposed to be my birthday too, when I had the worst day of my life ever. It was 5 am in the morning and my health was not in very well condition. I had secretly started going to doctor earlier the month before. My boyfriend used to get me there every week for my appointment and used to get me back. And now that I have mentioned it, he was my everything. But he also didn’t know about what I was hiding. I couldn’t find my courage to tell him about anything.

I got a text from my parents informing me that they won’t be able to come soon so I need to stay at home completely alone for 3 months. And to make situations worse, my relationship with my boyfriend was not going well at that time. I used to be angry all the time and whenever he used to ask about me, I used to say my same lame dialogue, “I am fine. GO AWAY.”

In my defense, all of that emotion was because of my mistake at my bestie, Sarah Montgomery’s party. It was an accident; I kept reminding myself that as I took a shower before getting ready for the school. After crying and feeling the numbness in my heart, I finally got ready for confronting school.

I stepped in the school and chills went down my spine. I got a strange feeling that someone was looking.

Like an idiot, I ignored that and started going towards my locker. My high school was not something you would call best but yes, it was something for me. As I reached my destination, I entered the code and opened it. My locker was full of my boyfriend and mine pictures and lots of books. I quickly picked my books and shut it. As I shut it, a pair of arms hugged me from behind and, because I was familiar with the touch, I just smiled.

“Alex!” I giggled. “Teachers will see us.”

“So what?” he chuckled. “I want everyone to know you are mine. By the way happy birthday princess. I got you a present. But before that I want you to stay still.”

I felt his warm breath on my neck and he spun me around. I couldn’t help but smile. He was so perfect. I wished I could spend my rest of life with him. But getting back to my senses, I slowly said to him, “Alex, I need to get to my class.”

He groaned in response, “Come on. We both know you and I both haven’t got any class till next slot.”

I stayed quiet. I didn’t want to talk to him. Because every time I talked to him, I start getting Goosebumps and I always get on the verge of tears. That day wasn’t exception.

I turned around so that he couldn’t see my face. I know I was doing wrong but that was important. He was captain of Basketball team and he had a really long career ahead. I didn’t want to be the reason of his unsuccessful life. I lied just to push him away but every time he just comes one step closer. Why do nice people always choose wrong person to love? There were lots of girls he could do with. Why me who could only hurt him?

“Hey, baby girl,” he cooed in my ears. “Are you okay?”

I don’t know what happened to me but I still regret everything I said that day. “I am fine…..” I murmured.

“No,” he said. “You always say that. Just for god’s sake tell me! You have been going to doctor every week. What is your problem?”

“Nothing,” I replied grumpily.

“Just tell me I swear,” he said.

I could feel he was getting angry with me for pushing him out of my life. To be honest with you guys, I was not pushing him out, I was practically abandoning him. I was becoming monster but what could I do? He had his whole life ahead of him and he couldn’t stop for me.

“Look I think we need to talk,” I said without any emotions. “I need to tell you something.”

“I am listening,” he said.

“Look,” I asked before beginning. “Can you promise me you won’t get mad?”

He just nodded his head. I took a deep breath and began, “You remember how we went to Sarah’s party last month and I was drunk? I didn’t know what I was doing or what I did. Next week I realized I was......... I swear it was an accident.”

He stood there motionless. I just didn’t have courage to say more. I looked up in his ocean blue eyes. Usually they showed mischief and laughter but at that time they were full of betrayal and hurt. His cherry red lips, which usually used to form a smirk just to annoy me, had turned pale. Slowly I saw a drop of tear falling from his eyes.

He quickly wiped it and said unable to contain himself, “Astoria, How could you?”

“I am sorry…” I tried to apologize but he interrupted.

“Look, save your breath. I don’t want to talk to you. How could you do this to me? And I bet you don’t even know who the father is now, do you?” He stopped indicating me that he wanted an answer.

I took a deep breath and lied, “Yes you are right. I don’t but-”

“Good. I guessed that. Care to explain what are you going to do now?” He stopped again as he asked.

“I can always have an abortion,” I muttered. His eyes went wide as he shouted, “WHAT?!? YOU WANT TO KILL HIM, or her, doesn’t matter, FOR BEING A CARELESS HOE???”

Ouch! Now that really pierced my heart. I didn’t say anything and just stared at him. He shook his head and said to me, “I am sorry but whatever we had it’s over. I am breaking up with you and don’t expect that we can still be friends because we CANNOT.”

With those terrible words, he left. But yes, before leaving he turned around once and threw a small wrapped gift on my feet and said, “Oh, I forgot! Happy Birthday Astoria. Enjoy!”

I stood there motionless. It is the worst feeling ever. It hurts knowing he left you but it is even worse when he left because of your mistake and it is worst when he left you because he thinks it was your mistake but in reality it not yours but his. This is a complicated world with complicated lives of complicated people who try to survive each complicated day trying not to be complicated and end up being in most complicated situation than ever before.

I felt numb, too numb to even get down and pick his present up. All I could feel was pain tearing my heart. Every single second hurts. I thought that nothing go worse than this and picked the gift up.

I carefully took off the wrappings and opened the box. What I saw inside broke my heart. It contained a heart shaped locket which had both his and mine first picture that we ever took. And there was a small words inscribed on the cover, “Will you marry me?”

I quickly put the locket in my pocket and let the tears flow freely. I closed my eyes and lifted my arms so that I could feel the slaps of cold winds on my face. And it turned out to be my biggest mistake ever.

I felt cold hands against my mouth and I quickly opened my eyes. I tried to turn around but his other hand was on my belly and that was when I realized if I fight he could hurt my baby. But it didn’t mean I wouldn’t resist. I tried to get his hands off me but he was too strong. He slowly started dragging me outside the school and into a white car. He had a mask on his face.

I was already broken and now I am being kidnapped, I thought, nothing could go worse than that. He blindfolded me with a black cloth and tied my hands. Now I was completely clueless.

I didn’t know where he was talking me nor did I care. All I wanted was everything to be over at once. I just waited in silence for the darkness to overcome me and take me with its flow. Nothing mattered.

In matter of minutes he stopped the car and grabbed me by my hairs. He started pushing me outside the car and into the basement of a house. Thing was, I was familiar with the smell. I know you will think, “Eww! How could you smell someone or someplace?”

Trust me when I say this, “You don’t give a damn to your manners when your life is on risk. Though I didn’t want to fight anymore, I still tried to save me. I was way familiar with the smell then I should’ve.

The kidnapper asked me to stop whimpering and just stay still. He took me down and said, “Girl, if you want food, just stop making noise and act like a good girl. Or else…… I don’t even want to think about it. So make it easy for all two of us.”

I nodded my head in fright and I sat on the floor.

“Who are you? And what do you want from me” I asked him.

“Someone close,” he said.

“What do you want from me?” I asked again.

“Revenge,” I could feel him growl.

“Revenge?” I questioned him.

“Not from you but from Alex,” he said. “He took my family, I will take his. An eye for an eye.”

“Look, I know him,” I justified. “He never ever can hurt someone. It must have been a mistake.”

“I DIDN’T ASK FOR YOUR OPINION!” He shouted.

I got scared. I quickly sealed my lips. I felt him approach near me. He slapped me on my right cheek and grabbed me by my hairs. I begged him to stop but he didn’t listen. He opened my blindfold and I came across the cruelest and the coldest eyes I have ever seen. He was familiar that’s what I was sure of. But I was scared to ask more.

I saw him go away leaving me alone in the dark prison with my baby. At that time, I wished I should’ve told Alex truth because there might be a possibility that I might not live enough to run away from here. I lay down on the cold floor and closed my eyes.

I heard growling sound from my belly. I put my hand on my belly and whispered, “Don’t worry. Momma is fine. I am fine….”

While I was there dreading from the suffering, Alex was suffering too. After ‘small talk’ he decided to skip school. He couldn’t bear staying away from me.

He was always a mysterious guy who never reveals his emotions. He was thinking about how we both met each other. When I first met him, he had the habit to cut himself and he used to cry himself to sleep every night. I noticed cut marks on his wrists and asked him about it. First few months he was a jerk but slowly he came around.

One night he came to my house when it was raining terribly. I climbed in my room through my window. I thought it was some kind of joke but I saw his hands full of blood. I saw he had cut his wrists really bad. I bandaged him and allowed him to sleep in my room that night. He was drunk.

“I think I have fallen in love with you Astoria,” He said before he felt unconscious and he began sleeping.

Next day he didn’t remembered anything and he went to school like nothing happened. He refused to even see me. I was mad and did a mad thing. When he was in cafeteria eating his lunch I went to him and he stood up to leave. Before any warning I kissed him. I expected him to be mad at me but instead he kissed me back.

“So what happened to your cockiness?” I asked with a smile once we pulled apart.

“Shut up and kiss me,” he said before he leaned in again.

I just giggled and from that day we came into a relationship. He still used to laugh on his foolishness.

His best friend Ryan came and said, “I know what it feels to break up with someone whom you used to love?”

“You know Ryan,” he said. “It sucks when you know you have to let go but you can’t because you are still waiting for the impossible to happen. It’s all her fault.”

“Hey,” he defended me. “Don’t say that. She should have felt bad too.”

“She didn’t even cry,” Alex said.

“Listen to me Alex,” He said. “Just because her eyes don’t tear, doesn’t mean her heart doesn’t cry.”

“Whatever,” he said emotionlessly. “I don’t care for her anymore.”

“Liar,” Ryan said and left.

He was sitting there registering everything Ryan had just said. Trying to find out where there was fault in his role in giving love and providing security to Astoria. Charlie. School’s most intelligent boy came running to him and said, “ALEX!”

“What?” He replied angrily.

“I just saw a guy pushing Astoria in a car and taking her somewhere!” Charlie said as he was out of breath.

This was enough for Alex. He got up and ran towards the place where he had just left me broken. He saw the car no. in which I was being kidnapped. He ran to nearest telephone booth and dialed 911. Not before long they picked up, “Hello, this is 911. What’s your emergency?”

“Hello!” he exclaimed. “My girlfriend is just kidnapped. I need help. Please I know the car number.”

“Okay we will try to trace them. Can you tell me your friend’s phone number and car number?”

After providing them with all the information they needed, they hung up and he went to home.

This was the most horrible experience to him. He had an intuition that I am not so far. I am near him. He is just not looking clearly.

“Hey!” his brother Harrison greeted him. “I heard about Astoria, I am sorry that she is kidnapped and just after your breakup, it must be horrible.”

“Yeah it is,” he said before something struck in his mind. “How do you know about that?”

“Ryan told me,” he said in duh tone.

“Yeah, right,” Alex muttered in and went to his room. This was the worst feeling ever. Nothing could ever compare to the feeling of loosing someone whom you love. He took out his pen and paper and started writing down his feeling.

You held my hands when I was drowning in the sea of sorrow,

We used to be together like there was no tomorrow.

Why did you left me when I needed you the most

And I also know you are too paying the cost

But this doesn’t give me the answer I want

This is one thing which will always haunt

Though out the my life and yours too

Because we both knew,

I love you”

His eyes filled with tears as he finished his poem. “It was my entire fault,” he whispered as he got up. He opened his drawer and grabbed a cutter. He closed his eyes and imagined my smiling face and he kept the cutter on his wrist. He whispered, “I love you Astoria.”

He was about to slash his wrist when his phone started to ring. He groaned and looked at the caller id. It was Ryan. He wondered what Ryan needed now. He picked the phone up.

“What?” He asked.

“I just wanted to make sure that you are doing okay,” Ryan said in concerned voice.

“I am doing great,” Alex said sarcastically. “Of course I am sad. My hope for living was kidnapped less than an hour ago. And you are asking how I am doing.”

“WHAT?” he asked in surprised tone. “When did that happen?”

“You didn’t know?” Alex asked.

“No?”

“Ry, I’ll call you back” Alex said.

“But…” Alex didn’t heard what he said and hung up the phone.

He ran downstairs to confront his brother Harrison, who was in his room playing video games.

“Harry, we need to talk,” He shouted on his brother.

“What?” he said.

“Where is Astoria?” Alex asked through gritted teeth.

“How do I know? She is kidnapped. Ask her kidnapper,” he said and pushed Alex out of his room and shut the door on his face.

“I was asking kidnapper only,” he muttered to himself.

Alex ran back to his room and started thinking of ways to save me from Harrison. Suddenly, he heard bang voice from his floor. He tapped his foot back down. The voice mimicked him. He tapped his foot thrice o the floor and that bang sound mimicked. He put his head on the floor and whispered with tears in his eyes, “Astoria?”

I spent like 1 hour lying down on the floor not knowing what to do. I tried to pick up myself up. Then I realized my hands were not bind tight enough and I freed my hand easily.

I stood up and started looking here and there just to find any sign which could help me understand where I am. There was no light in the room. I tried to walk here and there so that I might find the door but everything went in vain.

When I had nothing left, I stood on a box and tried to examine any hidden way out of this den through roof. As I tried to stand up, my head hit the roof. I started to rub my head. But I heard a tap from the roof. I understood that someone was hearing me. I mimicked that noise.

I again heard tap, this time 3 times. I mimicked its actions. Soon I heard a voice that I was longing to hear.

“Astoria,” I heard Alex whispered.

My eyes filled with tears. “Oh, Alex,” I whispered back and started to cry.

“Hey, hey sweetie,” He cooed me. “Stop crying. Your baby will get scared. I am coming to get you.”

I just cried with happiness and sorrow both together. At that point I realized that I didn’t want to lie to him. I wanted to spend my rest of life with him. I wanted to stay in his arms forever.

I saw the door opening and Alex immediately came in and hugged me. We both didn’t say anything. We just cried and cherish each other’s company. I couldn’t ask for more.

“That is it,” Alex said. “I am not leaving you and we are going to run away. I am sorry; it was my brother who kidnapped you.”

I just shooked my head and kissed him. He kissed me back as his hands traveled to my waists. We kissed each other like no tomorrow.

I pulled apart and we began to run. Alex said we immediately needed to go to police to that I can tell what had happened. I agreed and we began running.

Because I was expecting I felt tired. Alex just held my hand and asked me to stop running and look at him. We were near the park so he took me inside and we both sat on the bench.

“Astoria I am sorry for my brother,” Alex apologized for the hundredth time.

“It’s okay,” I said.

“This is it,” he said. “Will you, Astoria Mistrade, marry me? I cannot wait. Let’s have our vows here so that we can never ever separate. Do you agree? We can call Ryan here”

I literally cried on those words and said, “In every language, Oui, si, haan, and yes!!!”

Alex called Ryan and as he arrived we both stood up and looked at each other’s eyes with full of hope and excitement for tomorrow.

“Dear all, we are gathered her to witness the….” Ryan began. I was too busy thinking that from now on I will be Astoria Travis.

“Do you, Alexander Travis, take, Astoria Mistrade as your wife?” Ryan asked.

“I do,” Alex said looking at me.

“And do you, Astoria Mistrade, take Alexander Travis as your husband?” Ryan asked me.

“I do,” I replied.

“Now repeat after me,” Ryan began saying and Alex followed, “I, Alexander Travis, take you, Astoria Mistrade to be my wife to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part. One life, one soul, one purpose”

My eyes were filled with tears as he finished. It was my turn. I closed my eyes and began, “I, Astoria Mistrade, take you, Alexander Travis to be my husband to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part. One life, one soul, one purpose.”

“Now I pronounce you man and wife and you may kiss the bride,” Ryan finished.

We both leaned on and had the most passionate kiss I have ever received. I took a deep breath and prepared myself to tell him the truth.

“Alex,” I began. “I need you to tell you about something.”

“Go on,” He said.

“Actually……” I was about to tell him when I heard a sound of gun firing. Next thing I knew was that Alex falls on the ground. I saw blood coming out of the place where he was shot near his heart. My heart sank. I immediately started crying. Ryan ran to call ambulance

“Shhhhh,” Alex cooed me. “It’s okay I am here.”

“Alex I never told you this but you the father of my baby,” I said crying like a maniac.

“Really?” he said struggling to stay conscious. “Astoria, my lovely wife, name her Annie for me please?”

I nodded my head and said, “Don’t leave me please.”

“I am not going anywhere. Promise me that you will take care of our daughter and tell her how his dad was best dad in the world. I love you,” he said and closed his eyes.

And that was it. He didn’t even make it till ambulance. He left me. He went to heaven from where he sees us now.

The one who shoot him was his brother Harrison who was sent to jail after I gave my statement as witness.

I named my daughter Annie, just like Alex wanted me too. I was Astoria Travis and I never remarried. He was my husband and I never ever thought of anyone other than him.

After that day I completed my studies, went to college and then I became a writer. Toady was supposed to be my 10 years marriage anniversary and also 10 years of Alex’s death. A day hasn’t gone by when I haven’t missed him.

Annie Margaret Travis is 9 years old now. Annie is just like her dad. She has blue eyes along with beach blonde hair just like Alex.

Right now I am standing nearby Alex’s grave. And Annie is putting her favorite flowers, daisies on his grave.  I can bet he must be smiling on us right now.

I sat down in front of it and tears came out of my brown eyes. Annie is coming near to me. I wonder what she wants.

She just asked me, “Why are you crying mom? It is because daddy lives in heaven? Don’t cry.”

I am just nodding my head.

She is giving me her handkerchief to wash my tears and is asking, “Are you okay mom?”

What can I say now? I can only say, “I am fine…..”


© Copyright 2018 suzanne J. Bonnes. All rights reserved.

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