The Cure for Cancer

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic


The cure is discovered at last. Now what?

Submitted: February 28, 2018

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Submitted: February 28, 2018

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The Cure for Cancer

 

The year is 2117, and scientists have at last found the cure for cancer. It comes in the form of a plant named Marsula, which was discovered by explorers on Mars who brought it back to Earth and performed rigorous tests. Explorers were able to go because scientists have discovered that, once every thirty years for a few months, Mars warms up enough that the land becomes safe for human exploration.

 

But the drug isn’t yet available to the public. Why? In order to determine that, one must first take a look at the band of explorers that discovered the wondrous plant.

 

The explorers all hail from various Israeli-Palestinian states.

 

The country Israel, already tiny, long ago split into multiple smaller states and was divided peacefully and fairly among the Jews and their Palestinian neighbors.

None of these states get along anymore though, and the exploratory task force was created to remedy that.

The Israeli and Palestinian states had split further into many more different states because they could never agree on very much for very long.

 

For example, there is an Israel-state called Aporkula devoted to Jews who are mandated by law to eat pork on all days but their rest day, the Sabbath. The bordering Israel-state Studsraeli decided to split off after the civil war of 2073, which was a defining war waged over the fashion customs of Aporkulants on designated fast days.

 

And then there are the Palestinian-states. It should suffice to say that they get along no better than their Israeli-state neighbors. They squabble over many issues, but most have something to do with the catastrophic split-up of the official Palestinian lacrosse team back in ’48. That group was kicking Israeli-state ass until its best player Mohammed Mohammed Mohammed III defected to the dark side and became a spokesman for a women’s water polo team in United States-Mexico. 

 

Speaking of which, upon the discovery that the Marsula plant can cure cancer, United States-Mexico’s Prime Minister Jose Menendez gives an official statement via his own spokesman. “Maravilloso! It is with great delight that the United States-Mexicans welcome this stunning development. We look forward to eradification! Yes, once and for all mi amigos.”

 

The prime minister of South England, Melinda Peacenik Ayabmuk in Chief, is especially proud and excited at the discovery that Marsula can cure cancer.

It was her suggestion that the Israeli-Palestinians work together to form an exploratory task force on Mars. Her hope was that whatever they discovered would lead to greater cooperation between the numerous states.

 

Sadly, despite the tremendous advancements in VR over the past 100 years, reality proves to be far more complicated than Ayabmuk or her allies ever imagined.

 

The research trials that proved the legitimacy of Marsula’s cancer killing effects occurred in the China-Japan state due to the Israeli-Palestinian decision to do the testing in a politically neutral area. It seemed like the ideal plan to avoid unnecessary tension.

 

But now China-Japan’s king, seeing an opening, has his soldiers seize the plant and keep it secure from outsiders as soon as he hears of its cancer killing effects.

He then declares pre-emptive war on any country that dares try to cultivate the plant without the monarch’s direct permission.

 

Not long after, Russia and China-Japan wage war over the actions of a homeless man who had snuck across the border. He had spotted a variant of the plant on display at a café and assumed it was cocaine. It wasn’t long before he managed to smuggle it to Mother Russia. 

 

China-Japan wins this war in a hurry and destroys every last trace of the plant existing in Russia.

 

North England, part of the Eurasian Union unlike its southern counterpart, attempts to use diplomatic means to get China-Japan to give up the plant. It sends over ten cancer-stricken patients to China-Japan along with translators. The idea is to spur pity and perhaps goodwill.

 

Unfortunately, the move backfires.

 

The king has the patients jailed and held hostage in return for unrealistic diplomatic demands, such as the official recognition of the state’s fallen Emperor as a demigod and the request for a one world government headed by the king.

Adding insult to injury, the king wants more. First, all other nations must make table tennis their national sport, stream it on live television (for the king’s personal entertainment), give up bread, and pick up foot-binding.

 

The relatives of the cancer-stricken patients being held in China-Japan’s jail cells collect enough signatures to force the leaders of the free world to reconsider their initial recalcitrance. Ultimately, the rest of the world’s nation states decide to give in to the China-Japan king’s ludicrous demands.

 

When the king finally receives the message, however, it is too late. He has had the Marsula plant destroyed, and all remnants of it are gone from Earth for good.

It will take another exploratory task force, which won’t be available for a good thirty years, to sample more of the wonderful plant.

 

What exactly happened?

 

The king knew that his power and influence depended on the strength and well being of various lobbying factions. Acupuncture lobbyists were among those who pushed the hardest for the removal of the plant.

 

In fact, they were heard screaming to Western diplomats as the foreigners left the king’s court,

 

“You no eat plant! Acupuncture cure cancer!”

 

 Well, there’s always 2147.

 


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