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The way through the Big Heavy.

Submitted: March 07, 2018

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Submitted: March 07, 2018





Heavy hands and Heavy feet,

No numbness, no pain.

Eyes towards the ceiling,

Then down to earth again.


An overwhelming Heavy feeling,

Just the breathing all the same.

I have to get up,

But I do not know if I dare to again.


The same routine with some difference,

Desperately wanting change.

But too young to know the difference,

It's all inside your head,

This heavy numbing pain.


Overtaking my entire being,

Yet I am Loved still the same.

Fighting thoughts and feelings,

That come up over again.


After six years of trying,

To keep it all inside.

Overwhelming feelings,

Never run, they never hide.


I have faced the demons,

Though they were not my own.

For some bruises keep bleeding,

Long after the skin has changed it's colour tone.


Sanity is not the question,

For what I face is insane.

No pill, no medication,

Can take away this constant and deliberate pain.


People look at me in their sad and sullen way,

Looking for words that they do no mean.

They do not want to do something,

Because honestly they do not understand.


They do not see the depth of my depression,

They refuse to see the cuts on my hands.

I am blamed for defending myself

And threatened with prison if it happens again.


So I stay away from Home as long as I can,

But the demon waits at home,

Shuffling about, crying out in pain.

There is no arguing, there is no bargaining.

How can I be the same?


Suicide runs through my mind,

I cry out in anger and rage;

"This is my Life,

I will not end it,

So do your worst,

And when your done, I will get up again."


I choose not to run from my pain but to face it,

To release all my anger and pent up rage.

I am not sure if I can continue down this road,

Because I cannot see the end of this path.


People do not get it,

I have found none who seek to understand.

For there are no words to describe,

The betrayal you feel when your enemies are your family

And your friends cannot see the plans.


It finally ended one day,

When the old man passed away.

He ran the entire night before,

His Spirit ran to Heavens doors.

He paused before he left,

As if wondering if he were allowed in.


Many came, to say goodbyes.

But all I could muster,

Was a Loved hate.

I do not question why,

At times I'd rather forget.

I was there when he passed

And I was there day to day.


Yet no one listening to my silent cries,

No help did come.

Only in the end a last goodbye.

This sickness ran it's course,

And I was left behind,

To deal with the aftermath and my depression.

When my Da finally died.


I cannot tell you how we prayed.

What remains is God's Grace.

It carried me through the worst

And it kept me alive.


Even when I could not see in front of me,

A Light still shined.

What came to shake me built me instead.

I have no words to describe,

The mess I had to face

And the risks I had to take.

Condemnation that came from family and friends,

Who did not understand, even when the sickness ends.


Sometimes all you can do is wait,

Push through and survive.

It will be difficult and hard,

But you have what is in you to come out alive.


Push on through the storms,

Laugh at the wind and rain.

Find your joy in the storms,

Always carry on and don't forget to pray.

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