TAKE CARE, MOM

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Contently Deranged Travelers


Neo has been sexually abused by her father . She tries to escape his grasp and enter into a new era. But she still suffers from the consequences as she is diagnosed with DEPENDENT PERSONALITY
DISORDER. will she overcome her disorder and step into the new era or responsibility?

Submitted: March 10, 2018

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Submitted: March 10, 2018

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TAKE CARE, MOM My eyes wander off to the stale walls, painted with faint shades of blue and narrowed down with several feverish colour of the pleasant spring, the rectangular shaped wooden table, probably with coffee, sits in front of me with a bowl full of hard candies on it, the vertical windows let out a sigh of relief of fresh air now and then but for the most part of the session they remain calm. My eyes shut down at the movement of the wind across my hair slashing it into unchartered territory. My ears unfurl at the hideous voice of the shrink ensconced on the sofa right in front of me, seemingly paying attention to my rather obsolete observation. “Can we focus?” she questions me while shifting her hands fixated on her chest from being placed on her lady like legs. Her unevenly coloured hair fall down to her ears, they proliferate her black envious eyes. “Umm..okay. So as I was saying, I love my mom basically because she gave me a new life. And um..” I speak while nervously twitching my fingers, my legs correspond with the hefty movement. “If it weren’t for her, I would have been dead or else tortured for life. Plus she gives me whatever I want and takes really good care of me. I can’t think of anything else to love her for. And I can’t live without her.” I conclude my so-so disposition thinking of outsmarting the shrink and getting back to my mother. “Okay, so what would you do if she didn’t come back for you?” “What kind of silly question is that? She will always be there for me.” I feast my eyes on the watch in my left wrist hoping for the next 16 seconds..wait now 15 seconds to be over. The clock above her head makes a noise stipulating the necessarily understood situation that my time’s up and I can go back to my mother. Merely thinking about her makes my heart race, the more I think about her the more I love her. She was there for me when the world had turned on me. I can still smell the scent of her rose fragrance, her deep blue eyes seeded into her flawless face, her body though not so perfect but for the most reasons, the best curves through my head. I anxiously look at the clock which has skipped many seconds indicating that my mom’s late. This has never happened before. She was the most meticulous person that I had known, the thought of her being late so as to abandon me scares me. I can’t control the anger growing inside me; it is like a vampire fetus, the growling and the screeching in my head find their way out of the closed quarters, I raise my hands in order to calm them but the severity of the situation has completely and furiously taken over my brain. I do things without even thinking for a slight second. The enormous hands collapse at my chest nulling me down and forcing me to stop, they lower me down to the floor forcing me to cocoon myself. The doors behind me close, my head is exploding with many painful and tortuous thoughts, I can picture my dad standing in front of me with his stick in one hand and a knife in other. The venomous image is coming near me kneeling me down even further, the man is lowering his equipment and approaching me. I scream and scream until the disgusting image of my past wanders off to the farthest place. But then a strange light appears, feather like touch embraces me and the fear of being captivated truncates into mere pieces of the past; that time has gone. “MOM!!” my heart aches at how close I and my mom are, she has come to protect me from the inner demons. This is what she does best, protect me. “Where the hell were you? You were late by I guess 30 seconds. You never do that mom. You should never do that, my dad..he he was…” I continue to speak and try to expound my nightmare but she already knows. “I know, honey! Don’t you worry! I am here now and I promise I will never leave you alone, never.” My mom and I share a unique symbiotic relationship. I am the daughter that she had wished for and she is the protector that every survivor needs.

I am Neo Jane. I am a 17 years old not-so typical teen sprouting at a profuse rate. I am a survivor of child abuse and hence suffer from DEPENDENT PERSONALITY DISORDER. I am not afraid to be honest and totally afraid to be alone. I love my mom because she is my protector. You might think of me as an overly hyped teenager but no, that’s not the case. What I suffer from is a clinically acknowledged disease and it isn’t getting better, at least not for the past 1 year. So I am going to tell you about how it all began.

CHAPTER 1

PAST The walls of the closed quarters creek danger, the sound of heavy footsteps approach my ears, even from a very long distance my brain is impotent; it can’t censor the thoughts circling my head right now. A huge shadow appears on the creepy walls, I leap over to the table beside me. Even in the dark room, the sense of fear and bereavement can be seen out in the open. “What the hell are you hiding from, neo?” the cracked voice of his, reaches my ear loud and clear. This is the sound that he makes while waiting for me to reply, to agree with his reasons for something terrible. The killer vibes coming from his guts reaches my entire body covering it with spikes of fear. “Nothing dad, absolutely nothing. I am just sitting quietly, trying to figure this sum out.” I say while pointing him to the center of the room, a bulb hanging from the roof barely illuminates the area below it. The room is rather big if it is seen in broad daylight, a large sofa is arranged at the very right corner, opposite of which is a small bed. The entire room is covered in stains of red which have bruised up to be black. Nothing special! “Bullshit! A 16 year old doesn’t have sums to do. You are just wasting my precious time, go to sleep. You don’t need to use the bulb. Do you know how much it costs me?” he speaks while approaching me with his beefy hands, a strike lands on my face paralyzing me for a mere second. My whole cover is blown, he then takes out his belt and furiously hits me with rhythmic schemes. Left hand. Right leg. Right hand. Left leg. This is how it usually goes but then a severely unexpected blow lands on my face, clashing me against the wooden edge of the bed. I hurt my face really bad this time. But I have never seen him so angry. Has something happened? Suddenly without even consulting with my physical self my heart feels sorry for this monster standing in front of me. I drive my sympathy for him away, hoping to withstand this terror, I stand and take my place. “I can’t do this anymore dad.” I shout at him. He scowls at me, then smiles back at me, he comes towards me with his open hands and tears open my clothes. I have never seen this form before. What is it? He takes out a hand and forces it against my body; he is twisting and touching places that had otherwise been prohibited to anyone other than myself. I scream with terror. Even if my body pounds freedom I let him take advantage of this tiny little frame, he shifts his hands into the rest of me, tearing every last ounce of courage that I had into granules of sand. “Now be a good girl and let daddy do his thing.” I snap out of it, there is no way I can get out of this mess if I don’t fight him back. “Why are you doing this dad? I have never seen you like this. I know I have not been the girl you wanted me to be but you can’t tear out my clothes, there is some sense of privacy. You are sexually harassing me..” He tilts his head devilishly and reaches out for my head and shoves his against his body. He forces me to imbibe his dirty odor. I swear to god that I have never been so humiliated, he never lets me hug him but now this! “Yeah, Neo have this. This is sexual harassment! What are you going to do about it?” Tears fall on the ground drop by drop, and with every passing minute my head aches and my heart hurts. My mouth is sore, my hands are now tied to the bed edges, my bare body is exposed to the atmosphere and I let it absorb it, absorb every piece of me so that I can die. I can die at last. I pull my mouth away and ask him, “ Dad, can I be over with this?” He leers at me and observes my entire body with scrutiny. “Yes, you are no good. You may get dressed. We will continue tomorrow!” I take my dress from the floor but he reaches out for my hand and slaps it against his body, he forces me to wave it. “I can’t do this anymore, dad. Please let us be over. I don’t like this game.” He takes my hand and places it harder on the area, forcing me to cry yet again. “You will do as I say or I will kill you!” He shrieks happily with joy but then comes back to himself. I take my hands away from the area and place it across my bare chest, I sit down, crossing my legs so as to make him unable to reach me. My bare hands and sore body react angrily when his body collapses on me. “I won’t do this anymore!” I say while pushing him away from me. I take his coat and cover myself in it. He captures me and smiles. He lifts me up and places me on the bed. He kisses me goodnight. “You may sleep now and you cam keep my coat.” He closes the gates of horror.

The next morning, he stays still until he sees me all dressed up, he approached me with his beefy hands and lands another strike on me. “Now, why are you dressed? Did I tell you to dress? And why the hell have you brushed your teeth or even combed your hair or even woken up?” He has always been like this, commanding my every move. If he says right. I go right. If he says dance, I dance. “I am sorry! I will go undo my hair and undress in my room.” He closes the curtain behind him darkening the room once again. He shoves down his clothes and looks at me to do the same. “Now let me handle your punishment.” “But!” I say softly. He comes near me and points me to do as he commands. I know there is no point in begging him to stop. So I do it, he then explores the way through and I follow his lead. My body aches from all this. I move away from him, ignoring his natural temperament and getting myself into a lot of trouble. He picks up his belt and screams his lungs out, “Why the hell did you pull away? Did I tell you to? Didn’t I tell you that we will be playing? What are you 16 years old and already disobeying your father? Now come here and finish what you started.” He commands me but I shake my head continuously as if it were the only thing I knew to do. He picks up his belt and hits me really hard head to toe, bruising the entire existence of me. I sight a knife nearby, even if it is a butter knife, it can cause him to stop. I slide my hands across the table and get a grip of the knife and slice his finger off. He screams and allows himself to be open, he grips my hair with his other hand but I chop my hair, strands of hair fall on the ground like the rain falling from the sky. I take my clothes, put them on and run out of the house.

CHAPTER 2 PAST THE ESCAPE I am panting heavily until I crash into someone, it is my class teacher. She looks at me scanning the entire version of me. “What are you doing here? Are you not supposed to be sick? Why are you covered in bruises? Did something happen?” I mediate between two options: to tell her the truth or to run for my life. I choose the first one, my heart reaches out for my brain and for the first time in my entire life, they both agree on the same thing. I know what I have been through and it is totally wrong so I choose to confide into her. “My dad was um.. . sexually harassing me, abusing me and torturing me.” She is already holding my hand and heading towards the opposite direction, she dials few numbers on the phone and talks to the police about my dad. I give into her motherly command and follow her like a baby duck. “We are going to the police station and you are going to report everything.” I am totally scared of confronting the police, because what I suffered through lives inside me so I know the shame of it but if it gets out then every single person on the earth get an idea of how miserable my life has been. They will mock me and even torture me more, a girl raped by her own father. A disgrace to the family. I start clenching my fists and slowing my pace, she caresses my fingers to reassure me; I embrace her. We reach the police station, where a lot of black hooded criminals are surrounding the entire place. A swarm of cops are guiding a troop of thieves into one cell, in other words this is my personal hell. A familiar face approaches me from the back, the firm grip turns me around to face the horror of this scenario. My dad, a tall man with a smart body and a perfect accent steps into the station like he owns it. He shoves Misses Day off and hugs me as if he is literally content to see me. Misses Day takes my hand and moves me away from him. My jaws have dropped and I am afraid that I won’t be able to confess to his crimes if he is around, what if he just starts humiliating me in front of them? And what if these people join too? I look around me and everything is spinning in a haphazard motion. I am shaking, trembling and have fallen to the ground. “Wake up, Neo. He is gone!” my ma’am is sprinkling water on my face, trying relentlessly to wake me up from my own dilemma. “But! He..beat..me..” A lady cop appears on my left side, supporting me and placing a pillow against my back. She takes notes as I recount the crisis at hand. Misses Day stays by my side the entire time and comforts me as and when required, she even declares that I will staying with her while her lawyers will be preparing the adoption documents. “Neo, you can’t do this to me, I am your dad” “Sure you are my dad but you never became by dad!” CHAPTER 3 2 hours before the prologue It has been a year since that devastating event occurred, my dad is serving time while I am staying, well practically living with the Days. And I am a Day! “Neo come down, we are going to be late for school!” my new dad is yelling at me from the kitchen. My new room is really bigger than the last one, I have my own light bulb which enlightens the entire room, a tv, a mini fridge and obviously a bed but most surprisingly my own washroom. Ha! I am living adjacent to my brother’s nursery, he is constantly screaming and crying at night but otherwise he is good company. I wear my hair into a pony, tie up my shoe laces, carry my back pack and run down the stairs into the area. My father is waiting for me at the end of the table, tossing milk with corn flakes and strawberries. My mom is preparing her school report and I as I draw near her she scowls at me. I know that look, she wants me to rehearse the rules while we are in public. It has been a year since that tragic crisis had happened and since then I have been clinically diagnosed with DPD, it sounds pretty cool but is pretty harsh. At first it was really hard for me as I couldn’t stay away from my mom for even a second, I needed more care than her little son. She didn’t hesitate at all, she kept her promise and helped me get better. And when I first got into the school, it was really arduous, everyone laughed at me and spread rumours about me, they knew what I had been through and tormented me about it. It was a really bad time but overtime the rumours stopped and I became as normal as any other student. There was this one boy in particular who bugged me a lot, Leo. He abode by his stupid rule of keeping me engaged and busy so I don’t get all sad and needy. So enough about my past! “Yeah I remember. You will meet me after every period and you won’t be late. You will be overseeing my every task and I can call you anytime. I can’t bug the teacher about your whereabouts and I have to stay as normal as possible. Now can you give me a bear hug?” After her daily examination of my improvements, I nail my hands against hers and we walk hand in hand towards the car. I can’t let go of her hand because if I did I am afraid my dad will snatch it and kill me for putting him in misery. She understands my gesture well enough. She has been the most amazing and understanding mother ever and every time that I had a breakdown she would comfort me, the soothing voice coming out of her mouth lingers through my body healing every damned particle inside of me. At school, Leo materializes out of thin air by my side, he is already carrying my stuff into my locker. He glances at me with his sea blue eyes that are bathing in his flawless face and tall body. He has a reputation for being trouble and carrying trouble with him, he is like Caesar except he is the older brother of trouble. “When are you going to stop following me? You are distracting me.” I speak indecisively, my hands are curling against my thighs, a nervous act, my legs are trembling with fear and I am shaking entirely. It has never been easy to talk to a boy after what has happened and to be honest I didn’t even talk to Mr. day for like 6 months because I was afraid that he would gulp me down just like my dad. And being with Leo brings about a weird sense of happiness but my head hurts while stating the obvious fact that he just wants to get in my pants and earn some sort of deranged reputation for being miraculous. “I am not following you, I am just staying by your side because we are friends.” He looks at me with those same eyes except now they have become darker and deeper connoting the depth of his words. I smirk and he lets out a huge laugh as if me smiling is like some kind of joke. “What the hell dude? I have to go.” I met my mom after every period as she had promised me. I sometimes regret the part where I become utterly needy for this specific human being. It’s like she is not only my savior but my ticket to a livelihood. The way she smiles, talks and takes care of me reminds me of how I wanted to be, she is just someone I admire the most. The ocean of feelings are taking me over, the vehemence of this circumstantial episode drives me to be the best person that I can be.

SHE IS LATE BY 30 SECONDS. SHE HAS NOT PICKED ME UP FROM MY DAILY APPOINTMENT. The power that her being late holds over me is excruciating. She has never driven me so crazy. The later she gets the madder my demons become, they lashing out at me. She, like an angel of hope, swaps to my side and comforts me. “Why were you late mom? I was worried about you. My demons were..attacking me.”

CHAPTER 4 MALIGNANCY “Let’s go home” she says while picking up my stuff, greeting the shrink and closing the door gracelessly behind her. She moves with a different rhythm which is totally ironic as to how she used to walk. Her vibe is really killing off any happy cells still left in my body, her smile has faded into a glimpse of sadness. Her eyes are sore from crying and her cheeks are still wet. “What has happened?” I nudge her a several times until the hard shell covering her true desires breaks open, she convulses into a pieces of meteorites sent directly into my heart, she is crying and laughing. She is going crazy. Have I driven her to madness? I am crying because she is crying, because she is acting like she is not supposed to. She is the adult, she is supposed to take care of me, be there for me. “I have cancer. And I can’t spend every waking moment thinking about how it will affect you. Will you cry? Will you kill yourself? Will you live? What will you do? To this point I had been taking decisions for you. I had been taking care of you like a baby, but guess what you are not a baby anymore, Neo. You are for god’s sake 17 years old. You are a young lady now. When I was your age, I used to clean my house, take care of my mom, cook for everyone in the family and clean everyone’s shit. And now that I am twice your age I am doing the same thing over and over again. I am taking care of you and your whiny talks. Do you know how much trouble it took me to adopt you? Or how much my husband and I fought over this? Or how many sleepless nights I spent while taking care of you? Or how much money has been spent to keep your father at bay? Do you know? I have cancer for god sakes and scream at me for being late. Well guess what? I will be late. This cancer is going to kill me and then will you die too and do you even know about your real mom? What happened to her?” She screams and screams until her lungs are out of air and her hair is degraded, her whole body is shaking and she is on the ground. She is literally sitting on the ground crying about me being a failure. I didn’t even know her name, she was an oblivion to me. Yes, dad had mentioned her once or twice and yes, I might remember her presence but not her existence. “You killed her. You did something stupid and your dad killed your mom while she trying to protect you!” “I didn’t not kill her.” But then the heavy block on my head is released with a spasm of ghostly memories. I did kill her, I killed my mom. I had stolen my dad’s credit card and spent enormously on absurd things and my mom took the blame on her, she revolted against my father but at last she died. I had totally forgotten about it maybe because I had tried to forget it. I sprint towards the only bridge that will sanction my request to end this terrible bridge of lies that I had created for myself. Thinking that a selfish person like me could be loved let one be taken care of. The wide red coloured, perfectly architected bridge is what stands between me and death, the water flowing through it, trespassing into unknown regions, gives me a leap into faith and I take it. I stand on the tip of the bridge, a leg protruded towards the direction of demise and other standing still on the rough edge, hands flying around to keep me balanced. A vigorous whiff in my head makes everything clear. I drop the balanced leg into the air and climb into the sea of demise, my body is washed away along with the current to the direction of god, I can swim but don’t, I don’t fight the urge to survive. I fall deep into the water, my vision is foggy , my hair is flowing everywhere like veins of my body, the uncanny noise in my head has gone silent and for everyone’s sake, I am finally dead. The cool breeze shines upon my body illuminating the darkness inside of me, revealing the truth into the sea, forever bound by its trust. “Wake up, wake up!” someone is shaking me robustly, overruling my death wish. Strong palms cup my face in their warmth and a benign lips cross against mine, my chest responds immediately by letting out breath. I am un-dead. My vision is resurfacing and I can see everything clearly now. Leo is stooping beside me, holding my hand dearly hoping for me to wake up and when I do, he hugs me tightly and ironically I don’t feel suffocated but I do feel heartened. “Leo, what are you doing here?” “I followed you from your therapy. I wanted to ask you out and let you know that you can depend on me and I will definitely take care of you and be the pillar that you always deserved.” “What the hell?” I try to regain my posture and set my body straight, I stand up arduously, I let out a huge sigh as my chest hurts from the drowning. “There is no time for me to explain but just come with me now to the hospital. Your mom needs you!” he is already dragging me across the bridge and into his car, the sun has set finally letting me know that I have another day to try and die. But the reverent waves which gave me company during my demise bid me goodbye as if I weren’t not to return to them. Their unwelcoming discontents me, I lay a hand on my head and veer my head against the window and close my eyes.

The next I know is am sitting beside my mom, she has been handcuffed with various pipes and her entire radiant body has been turned into a dump of paleness, her smile has faded and only what remains truly of her is her soul. And I am afraid that that will be gone soon too. “Alright you are here!” she fakes a smile on my face, rubbing her hands against mine and even if they have been dried out completely and the roughness is tangible, my heart melts and my hands reciprocate her action. I am already crying against her chest, she is succoring me with her hands. “Mom, you hated me, didn’t you?” “No, I never did. I just wanted you to forget me before I died so that it lessens your pain.” She is already trying to shift her position, I push her down and adjust her pillow. “I just didn’t want you to know that I had been diagnosed with cancer since the last two years. There was no way that I could have survived. So I never told you, I wanted you to be able to depend on me and go on taking care of me. You have already been through enough, dear. You go live your life, this is the end for me.” “You know what, none of this matters. I am alright now and all I want to do now is be there for you always. And even if these are the final..” my whole body is revolting against me because of my infidelity, its begging for answers that I don’t have yet. I can’t spend her last moments worrying about why she lied to me, I have to be there for her, even if it means growing up from my dependency.

CHAPTER 5 EPILOGUE The austerity of her demise will stay with me till I die but what will stay with me for eternity is her soul, her every loving and carefree soul. The few glitches that we might have suffered here and there will lead us nowhere if we don’t endeavor to make them never happen again. The obscurity that my future holds is yet to be seen but what I know for sure is that I am not dependent anymore because the basic principle of me being dependent on these two wonderful women was that I was not strong enough to face my life myself, but now I have been through everything life has to offer at this age and guess what I have succeeded. Being dependent is like being rid of my own soul and rights. It’s like rain falling to places but asking clouds for where to fall. The whole situation becomes an adversity because the truth is that we are born to live out a certain purpose with a certified time limit and mom has done that, she has saved me from myself. My entire body relaxes as her does too, with her muscles failing and her organs weakening mine become stronger and more confident as if they have found the courage to keep me alive. As she decimates into the afterlife my soul becomes louder and more visible, it is now my time. Looking at the weak body finally decomposing into shreds of sadness, dismantles me from the inside but I control myself and contain myself in my shell. Her entire existence was for the purpose of me being getting better and now that I am finally recovering she is gone. Yes it will be hard to live without her, to stay with her void but her soul will be with me. I take a leap outside of the sadness and into my future. Leo is waiting for me, standing against the walls of the hospital sipping on a cup of coffee, he smiles at me. I take his hand and entangle my fingers with his, the worries that had hovered over our heads have dissolved into shadows of the past. “I just wanted to let you know that I am a strong, independent woman and I don’t need a man to take care of me.” “I am..” he looks confused, the worried eyebrows settle as I land my lips against his and whisper into his ears. “I meant to say that I am ready to go out with you!”

Even if her body has left the planet for good, her soul still remains sheltered inside of me and her demise might have torn me apart but it has also made me stronger and more independent. The cavity formed by the non-ending repugnance of my life has been occupied by the everlasting soul of my lost ones. The sincerity in my eyes can’t be seen for the fact remains that I am yet to be discovered.


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