last in translation

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

trying to get help

Submitted: March 14, 2018

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Submitted: March 14, 2018



I can't shake this feeling, I have an empty stomach no emotions except for deep sadness. Not even sure it's sadness but an uncertain feeling of total stupidity towards what I have done with my life and my actions moving to China. I had to keep going out, I don't know why my brain didn't stop me. I never have those gut feelings of if something is bad for you or you doing something bad. It never happens, and it has fucked my life up over and over again. It seems like it would never learn, I have been living this life for so long I don't even know how to get out of it. I fucked up in China I should of known it would have happend, I seem to find the people who I know are just going to fuck everything up for me or is it I do it to them?

I basically feel I lost my daughter and I know it's my actions I can see it. I just feel like crying all the time. I didn't even feel this depressed in Durban, I guess I had security. And here all I feel is alone. It makes me so depressed I have thought about ending myself, it's so selfish but I feel the days are dragging here because someone out there does not want me to succeed. I am such a bad person and I felt like moving to China would change things but it slowly made it worse. It was all my fault and I can't seem to get back on the right path. I need help but everyone is walking by because they have there own shit to deal with, why should they help me? I am the black cloud that will consume them with my all natural power of controlling and manipulating people. I am a puppet master and everoney is my puppet. How do I change how badly does my life need to get fucked up before I see or a revalation happens and things start going right. Every other South African seems to be happy and making money except me! I feel less than a failure and I honestly think anyone would say you actually feeling sorry for myself, but how? Tell me how? How does an addict change, was I and addict or did I never let go of the past and it's consuming my eceruday. I just need the answers because no one is answering it for me.

I want to change I thought throwing myself away from the crowds who I was toxic with would help but it didn't, I am in another country doing the exact same shit! Just here no one has my back or is able to lift me up when I feel down. Maybe this is all karma riding up on me. It has finally found me and is eating away bit by bit. This has to be the shittiest pieces of writing ever, but I just needed something to help relieve some pressure. I am so lost sitting into this hotel room listening to the extraction fan about to burst into tears all alone! I feel tired more tired than in SA, I don't want to be depressed I don't want to be a fuck up. I want my daughter back I don't want her to not have a real dad. Even though I am certain it would break her knowing who I really am, I am a user I am an addict with no purpose, someone save me please before it ends me for good. I don't even know if these are my real feelings sitting here alone in my hotel room writing this on my phone, because I sold my laptop for one more great party before I left Durban. What do I need or what is it that life wants me to do? Answer me! Just answer me please.

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