A LETTER FROM YOUR SCHOOL BOARD CHAIRMAN

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: March 15, 2018

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Submitted: March 15, 2018

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Subject: A letter from your school board Chairman
 
I’ve always thought about how to make a difference in these small class C communities that are slowly dying off right before our eyes.  It’s seems hopeless, but I see the beer mug half full, not half empty.  I’m referring more to the issues of our sports teams that can barely field a basketball or football team and can’t seem to be competitive.  What I’m getting at is the fact that I’m fucking sick to death of watching us get our asses handed to us every year.  I Can’t fucking take it anymore.  My family can’t do it alone, as Hillary Clinton would tell us in her heavily plagiarized nonsense book, “It takes a Village.”  Did I read that book you ask?  Fuck no, nobody did.  But she’s right, it takes a full community effort.  I know people will say that sports aren’t everything, most kids won’t get a scholarship for sports or make a living at it, I get that part.  All I’m saying is this, if you have a boy in football and basketball or a girl in volleyball and basketball two thirds of your weekends will be spent watching sports.  Do you like watching your hometown team get beat every year like they’re the fucking retarded MDA Telethon Jerry’s Kids? I sure the fuck don’t.  People have told me that studies show that kids who participate in extracurricular activities like music, speech and drama, and FFA for example do better after high school with college and subsequently with their careers.  Excuse me asshole?  Who in the fuck cares!!  I don’t know one person that has actually gone to those events by the way.  Do they build gymnasiums and bleachers and football fields for those events?  Do they have $8,000 dollar scoreboards?  Didn’t fucking think so.  Thats  always my reply anyway.  Some of these ideas take a longer term commitment, a sacrifice, some of my solutions we could get started on right away or at least by the next board meeting.  I’ll try and cover them all.
First one I’ll address is music.  If your school student numbers are down and you have a school band, then they probably play pep band at games.  If they’re like our high school band in my home town they probably sound so fucking terrible that parents just cringe and look at each other after the first song and say “”What fucking song was that even suppose to be?”  I told this elderly lady sitting next to me  who I sometimes visit with and who loves going to our basketball and football games,  I said this to her “Judith, Jesus fucking Christ, why doesn’t this fucking gay music teacher just give these retarded kids recorders and just have them play three blind mice over and over.  At least we’d know what goddamn song it was.”  She’s damn near 80 years old and she just blurted out  “I know, it’s just fucking pathetic.”  If you don’t know what a recorder is, it’s a plastic musical instrument that looks kind of like a plastic clarinet.  It can only play three notes.  First graders always play three blind mice at the Christmas programs with it. Here’s a little trivia for you, do you know why they play three blind mice with a recorder?  Because the goddamn thing can only play three fucking notes!  I looked it up, it’s about a 15,000 year old musical instrument made from hollowed out animal bones.  Pre dates the Clovis spear point if that gives you any idea of how fucking retarded it is to still be teaching kids to play a song with it!!  But it might sound better than our band, go figure!  I started with music first because I’ve always  wondered how much money a tuba costs?  Holy fuck man, it’s scrap value is probably a grand!!  How about baritone saxophones, trombones, and that one weird instrument that looks like a curved trumpet.  My point?  It all looks fucking expensive to me.  And did you know you have to actually pay a goddamn accredited music teacher for the whole school year, what’s the cost of that? We’re paying someone with a college degree to stand up in front of this band that sounds like a pod of fucking mating humpback whales!  Christ all fucking mighty, I mean I’m not trying to sound insensitive here, but let’s use our fucking heads  and some common sense.  Let’s fire this goddamn music teacher and sell these fucking instruments, no one can play the goddamn things anyway.  We could role that extra money into an updated, high tech, weight room and replace music period with strength training period.  That’s my first suggestion.
Number two is something called cross country.  I had to google this one.  Sounded like a Nike shoe to me, but it’s not.  What it is is a sport played at the exact same time as football.  Try and process that last sentence.  It’s a school sponsored extracurricular sport where kids head to a meet, outside of a town, and these kids just take off running across the fucking pastures I guess.  Do people go and watch?  Fuck no you don’t watch it, within a minute or two they just fucking disappear into a coulee and you don’t even see them for at least 15 to 20 minutes until they return.  My goddamn heads about ready to explode right now on part two so I’m going to rap up this “sport” quick.  If we’re short on kids for the football team and your athletic enough to take off running down a coulee for no fucking good reason then I’ve got bad news for you, cross country has been canceled forever and your now trading in your little shorts and your pair of little fucking pink panties for a helmet and shoulder pads. Jesus Christ, think about it.
Number three.  Now I’m not going to hack on the speech and drama club because I was just recently made aware of its existence.  We’re just going to have the two janitors come in for some overtime on Sunday and remove any trace of any fucking existence of whatever it is these goddamn homos WERE doing on the schools dime with the schools van.  You want to play dress up and talk to each other like a bunch of fucking freaky cross dressers and transvestites then you can do it on your own goddamn time and your own fucking dime.  My God, I don’t know if people in the community actually realize that this extracurricular event WAS  sponsored by the fucking school!  I’ve got to stop here for a second and just deep breath into a paper bag.  Fucking Jesus H Christ on two popsicle sticks, I’ve got blurred vision right now!  Where is the system of checks and balances?
Number four. I’ll tread lightly on FFA only because I farm now for a living.  Look, if your lucky enough to fit into the category of Future Farmers of America then you shouldn’t need me to tell you that your not getting any of this fucking schools money to travel on our schools bus to go to an FFA meet, I guess they’re called a meet, to talk about,  touch, massage, fist, fuck or in any other way molest a  goddamn farm animal on school time and on the schools money.  WOW!  Just be glad you might inherit a farm someday and for Christ Sake remember, Jesus is watching you, do not be fucking with farm animals when your parents are gone for the weekend and your pants just accidentally slipped down.  Jesus knows that no one can get that drunk, not even you, you little filthy fucking pervert.
Those are my more immediate solutions to try and start bringing some pride back to this school.  This next one is going to take time, money and some dedication.  I don’t know exactly how many proactive and dedicated families we’ll need, maybe 15, a little less a little more maybe?  I’ve pondered adoption, but it’s way to goddamn slow and you really don’t know to any degree of accuracy what your going to be stuck with.  But just stay with me here, how does Foster Care sound to you?  I know what your thinking right now, your thinking “Fuck You Abar, I’m not going to sign up to bring a bunch of fucking fetal alcohol Indian children from the Rez into my home just so they can steal all my shit, drink all my booze and then take off with the family car back to the reservation.  All this misery just so we can hopefully get a couple good basketball players and maybe develop a couple football players.”  Your right, but here’s the hook, we don’t get Indian kids and we don’t have to use Foster Care!!  I’ve laid out the steps to save a shitload of money for this school.  This next solution takes that money and spends it wisely.  You see, schools send kids to Washington DC for something called Close Up every year.  The kids raise money also.  What does the public school or the community get out of the deal?  Not a fucking thing, complete waste of time and money.  What our community could do is take all this money and the money we save canceling activities that just may lead to gayness, and take a bunch of dedicated families and head out to let’s just say Minneapolis or Chicago?  How about Denver?  I know your catching on now and it’s fucking exciting isn’t it?  We don’t use foster care Indians with the hopes they can get us to the state championship silly, we use Negroes!!  Concerned and proactive families head out on the cruiser bus and infiltrate the boys and girls clubs in the inner cities!  We sign up for the big brother and big sister programs in the inner cities also!  We don’t need foster care, we’re certainly not going to adopt these goddamn negroes, we’re just going to borrow them for a couple years!  We can host a few basketball and football camps, get in good with the counselors, take them on field trips, maybe a day of fishing and then start making travel ball teams.  They’re not going to have a dad that’s going to miss them, we give their crack addicted Moms a nice monthly stipend and promise we’ll treat her kids real good, and then one day the cruiser bus just heads back home.  But now guess what?  Instead of this bus having just the concerned community members who really want to make a difference in their community and the lives of children, this cruiser bus is now also stuffed full of 14 to 17 year old negroe kids!!  Not just any negroe kids either, fuck that, we’ve got the best goddamn athletes the inner city had to offer!! Well that’s it for now.
One last thing I want to say for anyone who’s teetering on the fence about whether or not to commit, I want to tell you something.  I’m going to be driving this luxury cruiser bus, that means you get to bring all your booze, drugs of choice and an ice cream pale full of condoms so let’s go party like fucking rockstars and bring back some goddamn long overdue state championships!!!  Yeah, Baby!


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