I Want The Rain To Come

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Horror  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: March 15, 2018

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Submitted: March 15, 2018

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White. Everything is so white. It’s so inhuman to keep things so clean. Such a small, white room. Such a claustrophobic room. There’s a window, but it’s just out of reach to truly see the outside world. Oh the outside world. Full of joy and wonder. A boy with sweaty palms, choking on the right words to make a girl his. Newlyweds holding hands as they walk down the mall strip and lost in their own world. An elderly couple feeding the birds from a park bench, content with their life, with no regrets. A mom laughing while she flies through the air as her son and husband push her on the swings. Kids running after each other, enjoying life like there is no tomorrow.

But that’s just it; I’m looking through a window. A picture, a dream, a lie. Something that everyone has but I will never understand. Something so precious that I wasn’t allowed to touch. Something which escapes my grasp like grains of sand through a clenched fist. I tried so hard to hold on. I tried so hard, yet here I am, surrounded by white walls. Why are they so white? Why are they so pure when they have been stained by blood. They have seen more death than anywhere else. Come to think of it this whole place is full of lies. A nurse that comes in to say “you look wonderful today”. A Doctor that says “it’s nothing that can’t be treated”. A relative that says “Only one more week and they will let you out i promise. You’ll feel the rain again soon.”

My anxiety is me. It has taken over. It doesn’t let me talk to people, be near them, or look them in the eye. It doesn’t let me have friends, family, or a significant other. It makes my memories haunt me, torture me, cut me. It makes my skin rip as the blood  trickles down and escapes the pain. Now i have no blood, just drugs pumping through my veins. I am nothing but numb; not being able to feel anything. I see a hand move as it holds the doctor’s but it isn’t mine. A see a nurse check the reflexes in a pair of legs but they aren’t mine. A mom cries as she sees the scars that scream for help between all the confusion, but she isn’t mine.

I have no family. I have people related to me by blood but i have no family. A family is there for you and doesn’t look at you in fear. A family welcomes you with warm arms and not with cold shoulders. A family loves you unconditionally and doesn’t stop when you are “a walking mistake”. Sure they visit me from time to time, but it’s just to check if I’m still breathing, wishing they could just pull the plug. Maybe it’s because they just want the will, but I think they just can’t stand the guilt and seeing what they have done. But they are probably too ignorant to know they had a hand in the pain.

Maybe i should just do it. Maybe I should do what they all want. They could be happy but i’ll have the last laugh when they won’t see a single cent.

Oh but in the rain. I want the rain. I want it to wash away all my fears and my pain. Every happy moment I claim happened in the rain. My first true love, my first steps towards freedom, my first pure moment of solitude. It’s amazing how people hide in their homes from something so beautiful, something so forgiving. You fell and scraped your knee? The rain will wash away the pain and the memory of who pushed you. Scared and alone in a storm? The rain will wrap around you for comfort like a blanket from a loving mother. Can’t find a reason to smile? The rain will tickle your face till you burst out your giggles like a friend you could never have. The rain is my friend, my love, my everything. Yet here we are, separated by these walls stained with white, hiding the horrors they see.

No, enough is enough. I’m tired of the lies, I’m tired of not feeling loved, I’m tired of being bedridden in this god forsaken place. I throw the covers off and rip the cords pumping poison through my body. Balance, the key is balance. I’ll need to borrow these legs to get me to freedom. Steady now, try to balance on these foreign objects. Good.  Now one foot in front of the other. Don’t slip, take your time, but don’t waste it. Enough time was wasted here.

Walls. Use the walls. They have to have some use. Oh but their screaming. It burns my ears with their yelling but I have to make it… cold. I’m touching something cold. It’s the window! Yes! I push it open and let the rain fall on my face, but only a few drops hit me. The walls laugh; they are mocking me. I have to lean out more. I place my knees on the window sill and wave my hands outside. The rain kisses my hands but it’s not enough. I can still hear the walls laughing. They don’t think I can make it. Just a little farther. Just lean a little more. Lean, lean, le-

 


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