I held the barrel of the cold gun to the man’s balding head. The cold metal pressing into his skin causing discomfort to the older man as he glances fearfully up at me from his state on his knees
begging for his pathetic, useless life. This man expects to steal from me, and get away unpunished. Amusing. I sneer down at him and spit at his face in disgust. He looks up with a minute of equal
disgust and anger before it is whipped from his face and replaced with fear and a hole as a boom sounds through the alleyway painting it a beautiful crimson shade. Sounding like fireworks when in
reality it is a single gunshot. I turn to my two comrades standing at the entrance of the alley way. They both turn towards me with a tilted head I nod back at them before swaying my way to the two
masked males.“Well that’ll definitely teach people not to steal from you” The one in the Wolf masks asked me with an odd joy in his tone of voice.

Table of Contents

Chapter One

I held the barrel of the cold gun to the man’s balding head. The cold metal pressing into his skin causing discom... Read Chapter

Chapter 2

I ran my pale fingers across the map. Pointing to different places forming a plan within my mind. The room was quiet ... Read Chapter

Recent Comments


Sorry about the icomments I started on my phone and it didn't work out well.

First things first, the issues every writer has when they start.
Tenses, If you use to have something set in the past or rather if you use - ed everything after needs to follow. Some things can be fixed by changing it into dialogue but if you choose to use thoughts be careful. Readers are critical about them as most people don't think how they speak.

Also, there is paragraph length. The 3-5 sentences is a paragraph (your spacing is off while I mention paragraphs) thing kinda applies but kinda doesn't. Different thoughts need to broken up into its own paragraphs otherwise it becomes a jumbled mess.

Then there's dialouge, You write the same way you speak which doesnt happen here. Even when you get used to this, it's difficult to do properly while saying everything that needs to be said.
You also want to try to avoid using the same words too close together. Like how you use sigh and the rediculus amount of ands.

You also have way to many characters, (don't become kat) You want a couple characters to focus on, it makes it easier for the readers to understand what's going on. By throwing in so many at once it can drain them as they're brains have to take in so much infomation at once then they forget most of it. This chapter becomes a good reference to come back to if they do forget but they shouldn't have to do that.(this works better as a prolouge anyway since the actual hasn't started yet, it's just an introduction.)

It is also very wordy, you have a lot of things that just lengthen the chapter for no reason. You try to make it sound too smart or rather you try to hard at it. You may wanna cut it down a bit because it get's tedious fast. It doesn't help that you're missing commas. (And as everyone says if you don't have grammarly get it. It misses a lot but I finds a lot too.)

This catches my interest because my story falls into the same sub-genre. (But I don't put nearly as much detail (partial because I pay too much attention to them when I read among other things)

Fri, March 23rd, 2018 12:39am

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