Im scared of myself

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic


About a night and how I see myself.

Submitted: March 24, 2018

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Submitted: March 24, 2018

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It’s about 10:30pm I’m laying drowsy against my side, wrapped in blankets. I could already feel the pull of sleep on my body as I lay there looking at the door waiting for my boyfriend. I am content it was an average day and I was looking forward to tomorrow, as it was a Friday. My boyfriend creaks open the door; I always give him this fake cheesy smile. (Which he always makes jokes about) I gave him that cheesy smile as he walked in; it fell off my face as he said to his dog

“Come on go lay with fatty”

It felt like needles were shoved into my chest, I had never really liked my own body and I had before asked him not to say things like that to me. He seemed to notice my discomfort, and I expected him to apologies what I got instead was another jab in my chest.

 “Well it’s a boyfriends job to tell you when you are getting fat”

At this point he realized his dog wanted to go outside, so he left without a word to take her out. He left me there so over think his words to simmer in my own self hate and deep hurt. I felt tears swelling in my eyes as I rolled as close to the wall as possible. I brought me knees against my chest and curl deeper into myself. When my boyfriend finally climbs into bed he tries to reach for me, I pull away. I press my forehead against the cold wall. He tries again; I just shrug him off of me.

 “Are you still mad?” he asks annoyed

 “What do you expect?” I reply softly

I just wanted him to tell me i'm beautiful and that he is sorry and wrap him arms around me and make my feel not so alone. But once again his word cut into me.

 “Well you called my ex girlfriends fat so.”

So… so what?! I deserve to be told he thinks I am fat and ugly?

He always makes fun of other woman’s weight even though I don't think look fat; I always defend the unknown woman pointing out something I think is beautiful.

 His favorite word is ‘Pudgy’ it means

A few day prior he called me pudgy and in anger I accused him of dating a girl more pudgy or more fat than me, his ex girlfriend.


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