Adventure Dude Episode 4 VEGAN WARFARE

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This is by far my FAVORITE episode, it's about Vegans and a corrupt slaughterhouse owner having an all out war! If you enjoy topical humor, or just want to relax and enjoy a lovely, funny, creative
story, please read, and enjoy!!

Submitted: March 24, 2018

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Submitted: March 24, 2018

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Episode 4: No beef bruh

 

Int-Day

Wizard dude walks into Tim’s room

 

Wizard dude

Dude, dude, Tim, you gotta see this

 

Wizard dude starts poking Tim’s face

 

Tim

What? What’s up dude?

 

Wizard dude

You gotta see this man

 

Tim

See what? It’s 4am dude, fuck off

 

Wizard dude

It’s a cow dude!

 

Tim

What? Like, an actual cow?

 

Wizard dude

Yea, like, in the middle of the city dude

 

Tim

That’s so dope, I want to see it

 

Wizard dude

Let’s go check it out man

 

Tim

Okay let me get my coat

 

Tim and Wizard dude leave the apartment and run to see the cow, they run across a couple streets, and come to a stop, and a big beef cow is grazing in someone’s lawn

 

Tim

No waay!

 

Wizard dude

I knooooow

 

Tim

Is it the homeowners cow?

 

Wizard dude

No, I asked, her already

 

Tim

Oh, wait, you asked at 4am?

 

Wizard dude

Of course not, I asked at 2am

 

Tim

That’s so messed up dude

 

Wizard dude

No it wasn’t, she was still up watching T.V

 

Tim

Oh, you got lucky then, you gotta stop doing that man

 

Wizard dude

I’m sorrryyy, I just love cows dude, when I saw it I lost all control of my actions

 

Tim

Oh, well, is she gonna leave it there?

 

Wizard dude

No, she said she was gonna call the slaughterhouse, it escaped from there, they even posted some posters saying “Missing cow” and their number along with it

 

Tim

Oh no! We can’t let them kill this cow! That’s awful!

 

Wizard dude

I don’t see the issue, we had steak yesterday dude, also, Cow farts are bad for the environment

 

Tim

That’s nonsense

 

Wizard dude

Oh sure, don’t listen to the all knowing wizard

 

Tim

Whatever, so, what can we do to save this cow?

 

Wizard dude

We could teleport it to somewhere with a lot of nature

 

Tim

Oh, like where?

 

Wizard dude

There is a giant pasture in Adventure Land, we could take it there

 

Tim

Oh that sounds lovely! Let’s do it!

 

Tim and Wizard dude teleport to ADVENTURE LAND

 

Tim

Oh my! What a lovely pasture!

 

Wizard dude

Yea, and there are a lot of other cows here, so it will have some friends

 

A police hover car pulls up with its light flashing

 

Wizard dude

Oh crap

 

Tim

What’s wrong?

 

The car lands, and two cops get out

 

Cop 1

What do you think you’re doing?!

 

Tim

We were just---

 

Wizard dude covers Tim’s mouth

 

Wizard dude

Nothing officer, we were just admiring the lovely cows

 

Cop 2

Oh yea? Then explain how this cow got here then

 

Wizard dude

This cow? Wasn’t it always here?

 

Cop 1

No, because the population of cows was at 100,000, now it’s at 100,001

 

Tim

Maybe another cow had a baby?

 

Cop 2

No, you brought this here cow with you, bringing cows into the field is illegal

 

Cop 1

We’re gonna have to place you under arrest gents

 

Tim

Wait what?!

 

Wizard dude

Ugh, come on Tim

 

Tim and Wizard dude teleport back to the normal world with the cow

 

Tim

What the hell was that?

 

Wizard dude

There can only be 100,000 cows in Adventure Land, that’s the law there

 

Tim

Why?

 

Wizard dude

Cause cow farts almost destroyed the world, there were over a million cows in that field, and they were all pooping and farting, people were dying

 

Tim

Oh crap dude, what happened to the other cows?

 

Wizard dude

Sir McRonalds had them all killed and made into cheap crappy hamburgers, making the population super fat and unhealthy, and they all died of diabetes, and were shot into the sun

 

Tim

Oh, that’s aweful

 

Wizard dude

It was actually kinda funny, they were all so fat and full of gas, that they popped when they got to hot

 

Tim

Haha, that does sound kinda funny

 

Wizard dude

Yea haha, well, what are we gonna do with this cow now?

 

Tim

Maybe we could take it to another place here?

 

Wizard dude

Oh oh! I know, let's take it to India

 

Tim

Yea! Nobody will kill it there! They worship cows there

 

Wizard dude

Yea! Let’s go!

 

Tim and Wizard dude teleport to India

 

Tim

Oh god, the smell

 

Wizard dude

It’s so crowded, what the hell man

 

Tim

We can’t leave the cow here man, let’s take it back

 

Wizard dude

Agreed

 

Wizard dude and Tim teleport back, and like 30 Indians were brought back with them, and they all look around, smile, then run off

 

Tim

Oh crap, we just brought like 30 people with us

 

Wizard dude

Might as well leave them here, India needs more wiggle room

 

Tim

Haha, you’re so bad man

 

Wizard dude

We could take it to Portland, people worship cows there too

 

Tim

Oregon is a weird place

 

Wizard dude

Let’s goo!

 

Wizard dude and Tim teleport to Milwaki

 

Wizard dude

This doesn’t look like Portland

 

Tim

It smells like weed

 

Wizard dude

The people aren’t dressed like gay strippers either

 

Tim

I haven’t seen a single vegan shop

 

Random stranger

You guys want some Xanax?

 

Tim and Wizard dude

Oooh, we’re in Milwaki

 

Tim and Wizard dude teleport to Portland

 

Wizard dude and Tim teleported next do two dudes with mohawks holding hands

 

Wizard dude

Excuse me, gay couple

 

Gay man

Excuse me? Just because we look like gays doesn’t mean we identify as such

 

Wizard dude

But you’re holding hands

 

Gay man

Straight people can hold hands too you know

 

Wizard dude

Are you gay or not?

 

Gay man 2

Why yes we are

 

Tim

Aww, how progressive

 

Wizard dude

We’re here on progressive business

 

One of the gay men squint their eyes and leans in

 

Gay man 1

How progressive are we talking about

 

Wizard dude

We have a cow from a slaughterhouse

 

Gay man 2

Oh my!

 

Gay man 1

I'll make a call… Hello? Steve, we have a code beef

 

Man on phone

Blablablalalala!

 

Gay man 1

Yea, it’s a fatty, i’m next to the voodoo doughnuts and the strip club

 

Gay man 1 hangs up

 

Gay man 1

They’ll be here in a moment

 

The sewer opens up, and 4 men with face paint come out, and 2 ladies

 

Vegan Bull

We are the vegans, we heard you are here to save a cow, I am Vegan Bull, we are glad that you decided to join the cause

 

Wizard dude

Yes, it is an honor to finally meet the tribe

 

Vegan Megan

My name is Vegan Megan, we must depart, the before the straight white males notice our presence

 

Tim

Hey, me and Wizard dude are both straight males, and we’re not ignorant, we’re very open minded and progressive

 

Vegan Bull

Haha, silly man, being white and straight doesn’t make you a straight white male, they are a tribe too, just like us, we are right on the border of their territory, anything past the male strip club is off limit, and they are slowly pushing the borders, soon, we will all be pushed underground

 

Tim

Oh shit, well, we should hurry then

 

Vegan Megan looks at a dude with a short haircut, beard, sunglasses and a beer looks at her

 

White male

Whatcha lookin at bruh?

 

More white males join in

 

White males talking at once

Watcha lookin at bruh? You got a problem? Wanna throw hands bruh? Whats goin on?

 

Vegan Megan

We should go now Vegan Bull

 

Vegan Bull

Agreed, let us depart quickly

 

They all start heading down the street, and they head towards a building, they open the door, and the building is full of chickens, cows, monkeys, and many other animals

 

Vegan Bull

These are creatures we have saved from animal testing facilities, slaughterhouses, and McDonald’s basements, you have done us a great favor

 

Tim

So, is this it?

 

Vegan Bull

No, we must take them to the safe haven on the other side of Oregon, but first, we must party, would you like to stay?

 

Wizard dude

Did you say party?!

 

Vegan Megan

Yes, it will be splendid

 

Wizard dude

Oh mah gawd i wanna partay so bad, Tim, do youh mind!?

 

The lights turn off, and colored lights turn on, and an amazing display goes on, and the EDM music starts, a voice on the speakers says “Bring out the Vedic Soma!” and everyone starts drinking it, and Wizard Dude and Tim start hallucinating, and the mixture of music makes them trip super bad, and they party all night, until passing out

 

Morning time comes, and they both wake up at the same time

 

Wizard dude

Oh mah gawd, that was the bestest partay

 

Tim

Wow, that was hella dope

 

Vegan Bull

Hahaha! That was quite the party indeed my friends, now, let us bring the cows to the safe haven

 

Meanwhile, at the slaughter house

 

A man is on the telephone, but we can only see his arm, he says “uhum, uhum… sounds good, thanks for letting us know, have a nice day”

 

Big boss

Looks like they found the cow, the vegans have it in their captivity now

 

Little boss

Should I call… him

 

Big boss

Not yet, let’s send out the apprentice first

 

Little boss

Sounds good, I’ll call him

 

A man inside a house is doing pull ups (Like Will Smith in I Am Legend but with one arm), the other arm is robotic, you can’t see the front of him, he stops doing pullups and answers the phone, and in a deep voice says “Yes? Haha, I’m on it.”

 

We go back to Tim and Wizard dude

 

Vegan Bull

The animals are in the truck, close it up guys

 

Vegan Megan

Okay, let’s close it up guys!

 

They close the van, and they start taking off, Tim and Wizard dude get in a Van with some of the other Vegans, all of them armed with guns, some with pistols, and others with semi-automatics

 

Tim

Isn’t that a bit overkill?

 

Vegan Duncan

Vegan Bull thinks that the slaughterhouse is going to try to stop us again, and they WILL use brutal force, they even killed some fellow Vegans last year, it was a dark year

 

Tim

What the hell? You serious? Over some animals?

 

Vegan Bean

We too are animals, why must we hold ourselves above other animals? If another species started mass-producing humans, wouldn’t you like for some of that species to save your life? That is what we do! We stand up for fellow living beings

 

Wizard dude wipes some tears from his eyes

 

Wizard dude

*sniffle* that was beautiful man, I love you guys

 

Everyone in the van smiles

 

We pan off to a truck holding more Vegans, one in the back has binoculars, and they see a black car racing up

 

Vegan Warrior

Vegan Bull, they are coming

 

Vegan Bull

You know what to do

 

The Vegan Warrior pulls out a sniper, he zooms in on the driver, and shoots the wheel, the car spins out and stops

 

Vegan Warrior

The car has been stopped Vegan Bull, but I feel another presence in the distance

 

Vegan Bull

I feel it too, it is a strong presence

 

Vegan Warrior

Do you think it is the Hunter?

 

Vegan Bull

No, it is not that strong, but similar, it has bad intentions

 

Wizard dude

I can feel it too

 

Tim

How strong is it?

 

Wizard dude

Well, depends on if I use magic or not, I mean, he’s like an ant to me, but I don’t want to use magic on him

 

Tim

Can’t you just teleport us to where we need to go?

 

Wizard dude

Duude, Magic is so hard to use, i'll use it if we need to, I only use it casually in front of you because I chose you to be my apprentice someday

 

Tim

Oh, I guess that makes sense

 

Scene cuts to Vegan Warrior

 

Vegan warrior

I see another person coming up

 

Vegan Bull

It’s him, I can sense it, you know what to do

 

Vegan Warrior tries shooting the tires of the motorcycle, but the Apprentice swerves out of the way multiple times, and blocks one of the bullets with his arm, then he speeds up

 

Vegan Warrior

I can’t hit him, he’s too badass!

 

Vegan Warrior puts down his sniper rifle, then he gets into a fighting stance, the Apprentice pulls up in his motorcycle, then he jumps off the motorcycle onto the Van, they brawl for a while, but the Apprentice is only using his flesh arm to block and punch, then, he grabs Vegan Warrior with his robot arm, and lifts him up, he holds him above the road

 

Apprentice

Pull up next to the Truck if you value your friends life

 

Vegan Driver

What should I do Vegan Bull?

 

Vegan Bull

Do as he says, we can’t lose another Vegan, all we can do is make it hard for him to get us

 

Wizard dude

I think he’s gonna jump on the trailer, i’m gonna climb up there

 

Vegan Bull

Good luck friend

 

Wizard dude climbs on top of the trailer, the Apprentice climbs on top and shoots the tires of the truck, making it come to a stop, they exchange glances, they get into fighting stances, Wizard dude approaches, and they start throwing punches with one arm, then, the Apprentice throws punch with the metal arm, wizard dude blocks it, but wizard dude’s arm was as hard as metal too!

 

Apprentice

So, you have a metal arm too?

 

Wizard dude

Sorta

 

Wizard dude punches the Apprentice in the face (with his normal hand), then picks him up with the metal arm, and throws him off the trailer

 

Wizard dude

Got him!

 

Shows the Apprentice holding onto the edge of the trailer with his metal arm, he flings himself up, and knocks wizard dude off the edge, he looks to see him hit the ground, but he disappeared

 

Apprentice

Where the hell did he go?

 

The apprentice looks around the trailer, but Wizard dude was nowhere to be found

 

The apprentice dangles himself out the window and breaks the door with his robot arm

 

Tim

Oh shit

 

Apprentice

Stop the Truck

 

The apprentice pulls out a pistol, Vegan Bull stops the truck

 

Vegan Bull

Damn it!

 

Tim punches the Apprentice, they throw some punches, Vegan Bull tries to throw in a punch, but the Apprentice does a spin kick, knocking him out cold, Tim punches the Apprentice’s nose, he staggers, Tim throws a kick towards his face, Apprentice blocks it with his arm, stops staggering, and roundhouse kicks Tim in the temple, knocking him out cold

 

Tim wakes up in the dirt, the Apprentice hid them behind a hill, he took out his phone and called wizard dude didn’t answer

 

Tim

Ahh come on dude, pick up the phone!

 

Wizard dude is sitting inside the trailer, criss cross, wearing ninja attire, with a pistol in a holster oh his leg, a sword on his back, and 6 ninja stars on his belt

 

The apprentice brings the trailer into the slaughterhouse, he gets out the front and opens the trailer, the cows all walk out of it, and go into a room, it’s now empty, the Apprentice looks around in suspicion, suddenly, Wizard dude punches him really hard in the face, he gets knocked over, he tries to get up, but Wizard dude kicks him across the face, the apprentice gets knocked out, and Wizard dude ties him up and puts him in the back of the trailer, then locking it he looks around, and sees 5 armed guards, with machine guns, one of them sees Wizard dude, he points and shoots, but Wizard dude disappears, the guard puts down his gun and looks around, Wizard dude falls from the ceiling and him and the guard exchange punches, Wizard dude beats him with an elbow to the face.

 

Guard 2

Hey! Stop!

 

Wizard dude looks at the guard and runs into a blind spot

 

Guard 2

Shit, we have an intruder on floor two!

 

One of the other guards turns on an alarm, the other three guards run to see where he went, but they don’t see him in the dead end where he was

 

Guard 2

Where the hell is this guy?!

 

Wizard dude shows up behind one of the guards, but he wasn’t sneaky enough, the guard pulls out a knife, and they fight.

 

Another guard tries to line up Wizard dude with his gun, Wizard dude uses the other guard to block the bullets when he fires, Wizard dude throws the body aside and pulls out his pistol, he shoots the other guard in the face, his body falls over

 

Guard 2

Hey, tell the big boss we have an intruder, i'll hold him off

 

Wizard dude and Guard 2 have an epic but quick fight, Wizard dude takes him down, and chases the last guard

 

Guard 3

Holy shit dude, is this really happening?!

 

Guard 3 runs up the stairs, Wizard dude hot on his trail, but can't shoot because of the turns, the last guard runs up to the boss’s doors, he opens them and locks them

 

Big boss

Is there a problem?

 

Last guard

Sir, we have an intruder, he’s taken out the apprentice, and killed some other guards

 

Big boss

Fine, call him…

 

Last guard

He won’t be pleased

 

Big boss

I don’t care, he works for us now

 

Last guard

I’m on it sir!

 

The guard clicks on a green button, it lights up, and someone walks into the room

 

???

How may I be of assistance? *begrudgingly*

 

Big boss

We need you to dispose of a certain someone in the building

 

Hunter smiles, he takes off his coat, he has power armor on, he puts his finger on his forehead, and a metallic mask covers his face

 

Hunter

Sounds like fun

 

He opens the door, and Wizard dude jumps backwards, Hunter puts out his hand, and a laser shoots out of it, Wizard dude ducks, and the lazer misses him, he runs on the wall and kicks at Hunter, he misses, Hunter shoots another lazer, almost hitting Wizard dude’s head, then Wizard dude runs away.

 

Hunter chases Wizard dude, he stops in an empty room, Wizard dude disappeared again, a ninja star falls in front of Hunter

 

Hunter

A ninja huh?

 

The star explodes, and Hunter gets blasted into the air, he lands on his feet

 

Hunter

No, more than that I assume

 

Hunter sees Wizard dude, he shoots a laser through him, but Wizard dude turns into smoke, a ninja star lands on Hunter, it explodes, Hunter falls to the ground

 

Hunter

Damn it, who are you!?

 

Wizard dude walks out of the shadows and pulls off his ninja mask

 

Wizard dude

It’s Britney bitch!

 

Hunter

My my, I never expected to brawl with a Wizard before

 

Wizard dude

I never expected to see you working for the man, Hunter

 

Hunter suddenly shoots a laser at Wizard dude, Wizard dude puts out his hand, and the laser disappears, and comes from somewhere else, Hunter jumps out of the way, barely missing it

 

Hunter disappears and reappears, a knife is thrown at Wizard dude, he slaps it midair, it falls to the ground, Wizard dude puts out his hand, and throws it back at Hunter, It cuts through his armor

 

Wizard dude

Dude, you’re not even close to my level

 

A laser hits Wizard dude’s back, another Hunter is behind him

 

Wizard dude

Oh my, making clones now huh?

 

Wizard dude splits into four different Wizard dudes, each one takes out a sword and charges at Hunter, they all fight Hunter’s clone, while the two real ones fight one on one, lasers and exploding ninja stars flying everywhere

 

Hunter

You’ve gotten rusty Wizard dude, or should I say, Tim

 

Wizard dude

DON’T EVER CALL ME BY MY NAME

 

Wizard dude throws out his hands, and the rooms disappears, they are now in an empty black room, with no floor, or roof

 

Wizard dude

You’ve pissed me off

 

Hunter

What is this?

 

Wizard dude

Psychedelic death!

 

Two ghosts appear out of the blue, and attack Hunter, he shoots one with a laser, Kamadhenu  appears and charges into Hunter, knocking him down, then, a constellation takes form, and takes Hunter and swallows him, then the black room disappears

 

Wizard dude

I hate my name, goddamnit

 

He runs into the big boss’s room

 

Big boss

Hey Wizard dude

 

Wizard dude

Who are you?

 

Big boss

Don’t you recognize me? From the Cowpocalypse in Adventure land?

 

Wizard dude

You… were you the boy I saved from the gas clouds?

 

Big boss

Yes, I was that boy

 

Wizard dude

Why are you breeding more cows? You know what their gas is capable of!

 

Big boss

Have you ever wondered why there are so many fat people recently? Even though they don’t eat to extremely different from the skinny people thirty years ago?

 

Wizard dude

Because of all of the fast foods, sodas, snacks, smoking, alcohol abuse, and medication they take?

 

Big boss

No, it’s because we're tampering with the beef, were making it so unhealthy, and so bad, it will eventually cause the population to die faster, the air to be toxic, the world to get to hot, we plan on decreasing the population by millions, maybe even a billion!

 

Wizard dude

You’re making the cows unhealthy on purpose? That’s so messed up!

 

Big boss

I don’t care, we’re so close to our goal, and your word isn’t worth anything, you’ll just be seen as another crazy preachy vegan

 

Wizard dude

I’ll just have to stop you here!

 

Big boss

I’d like to see you try!

 

Big boss throws out his hands, the room turns black, his chair turns into a throne, a giant sword appears at his side, he raises it magically, he swings his hand, and the sword follows the motion, Wizard dude summons four giant bulls, all with armor and weapons

 

Big boss

Come at me Tim!

 

Wizard dude

You’re DEAD

 

The bulls fight against Big boss, he hacks one to pieces, then the sword flies at Wizard dude, he backflips out of the way and points at Big boss, a meteor flies at him, crushing his throne, and the bulls, Big boss jumps away in time. Wizard dude pulls out his Katana, and Big boss takes his sword in hand, and they have an epic sword fight, eventually, Wizard dude kicks the sword out of his hand, It flies back to Big boss, but, Wizard dude cuts him in half brutally

 

Wizard dude

AAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!

 

Wizard dude tears off his shirt and screams, his face covered in blood

 

Wizard dude

I’M LIKE A GOD BITCH!

 

The newspapers show the toxic materials being fed to the cows, it shows Wizard dude in the papers suing the industry and winning a billion dollars, and Wizard dude dedicating it all to the health industry, and he opens up a giant vegetarian store, and a giant concert place called V.P (Vegan Party)

 

Vegan Bull

You have done us a great honor Wizard dude, you are by far the greatest warrior that will ever be witnessed

 

Wizard dude cries and smiles

 

Wizard dude

Ohmahgawdimsohappy

 

Tim

How did you do it Wizard dude?

 

Wizard dude

I killed Big boss and his goons, did you know Big boss was a Wizard?

 

Tim

Isn’t killing a Wizard like, a galaxian crime?

 

Wizard dude

Yea, but what’s the galaxy gonna do? Declare war on me?

 

Tim

Haha, I guess, i’m just glad you saved the Earth from a Cowpocalypse

 

Wizard dude

Yea, and the damage being done to the obese is already being fixed

 

Int-Business room- Ronald Mcdonalds, Carl's Junior Mascot, the Burger King and the Wendy’s mascot all sit in a dim lit room, with a projector on the wall, reading “Prices of beef skyrocket as one man depicts the horrors of Big Boss’s beef’s horrible practices

 

Ronald Mcdonalds

Gentleman, and ladies, THIS MEANS WAR!!

 

End of episode















 


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