Please Hold Me

I normally don't say this out loud

I'm too scared to seem like a baby

However I got you to be interested in me

I can't ruin it by being needy

I don't know if I'm being sensible or a coward

By not saying this to your face

But right now I'm not having a great day

And I wish you could hold me

My past memories continue to weigh down on me

I've committed a lot of sins and mistakes

Your expectations, spoken or otherwise, terrify me

I keep fearing the day I'll let you down

My days haven't been the best

And coping with that is hard

There are so many demands made of me

That I'm struggling, and even reluctant, to fulfill

And yet as I leave you be,

and act as if it's all no big deal

A part of me that I don't want to show

Wishes that you'd understand nonetheless

And hold me in your arms

It would be so much easier if I didn't have to ask you

If you could just know what I wanted better than I did

And you could cuddle me and share your warmth

And tell me that you know I'm hurting

You could ask me what I'm struggling with

And help sort out the chaos in my head

You could tell me that you understand

And that you'll always love me nonetheless

I'm so weak and so needy

That I need you to try so hard to get me to share

But to expect you to read my mind and come to my rescue

Is asinine beyond compare

But impossible though it may be

I can't help but long for the day

That you give me just that

Heck, maybe you already have

It could be a romantic fantasy like in the movies

Or something that I actually went through

But my heart warms at the tales of women

Who came and tended to their man, because they just knew

I hide a lot of things under the surface

I've experienced enough pain to know 

That it's often the smart thing to do

Instead of throwing the weight of your problems on everyone around you

I can't appear to be so entitled

To expect others to care for my myriad needs

And yet I feel so weak and so stupid

When I realize that I've failed to make myself free

And so this is my bitter compromise

That even when I really want to unload my heart to you

I keep my mouth shut and soldier on

Because I refuse to accept that I'm such a weak-hearted fool

At least if you could read my mind

It wasn't I who put you on the spot

It wasn't I who debased both your dignity and mine

By forcing you to pick up my baggage

If you just knew and came to my aid anyway

Then I could not be held responsible for the hurt

That trying to help me would bring you

Even if you struggled enough to resent me

You'd know that you brought the challenge on yourself

But a mind reader you are not

You won't understand my pain unless I tell you

And so I'll keep quiet and tell you nothing

So that you're free and only burdened by your own troubles

But even though I know I'm a sinful fool

I want your warmth nonetheless

I want it way more often than I get it

I wish you could hold me so much more

I wish I could tell you whenever I was hurting

I wish I could tell you whenever I was scared

I wish you could hold me all the while and protect me

Until you made sure that it was all going to be okay

It would be so beautiful if neither of us cared

Whether you had to hold me for less than an hour

Or for as many days as it took to protect me

Protect me from my own demons and my own pain

Protect me from the struggles and chaos inside

Until it all went away

It would be so beautiful if I could do the same

To hold you whenever you were hurting

To warm you up and sort out your baggage

To protect you as you protected me

Because you made me strong enough

To help you deal with your own pain

But am I really strong enough

To repay you for whatever help you've already given me

Do I really have it in me to return

Even a fraction of the warmth you've shared with me?

The truth is, I can't be sure

And on my darker days,

I believe the answer is a definitive no

I'm not good enough

Even for the insufficient warmth you already have shared with me

Let alone how much warmth I truly want from you

And therefore, my pride will protect you

Protect you from the chaos within me

I will never allow you to know

Just how much, and how often, I wish you embraced me

I know my wish will never go away

It will lie buried beneath my lies, masks, and perhaps even coldness

I was raised with enough shame and harshness

To cling on to my pride for dear life

I won't stoop so low as to burden you

I won't stoop so low as to make you feel like I desperately need you

I won't let you think I'm weak

Even if you end up hating the false me I'm showing to you

It's better than loving the real me I've sealed away

Because hate allows you to leave

It allows you to remain free

But love will only tie you down

And you deserve better than the pathetic man I truly am underneath

And so I will pay the price for sealing away my wish

Even if that price is losing you altogether

Because it's more than my pride can take

To withstand the shame of standing before you

I will never indulge the dream of mine

To just fall apart in front of you and lay bare my heart

And to beg for your warmth and love

As I cry out

"Please hold me"