I normally don't say this out loud
I'm too scared to seem like a baby
However I got you to be interested in me
I can't ruin it by being needy
I don't know if I'm being sensible or a coward
By not saying this to your face
But right now I'm not having a great day
And I wish you could hold me
My past memories continue to weigh down on me
I've committed a lot of sins and mistakes
Your expectations, spoken or otherwise, terrify me
I keep fearing the day I'll let you down
My days haven't been the best
And coping with that is hard
There are so many demands made of me
That I'm struggling, and even reluctant, to fulfill
And yet as I leave you be,
and act as if it's all no big deal
A part of me that I don't want to show
Wishes that you'd understand nonetheless
And hold me in your arms
It would be so much easier if I didn't have to ask you
If you could just know what I wanted better than I did
And you could cuddle me and share your warmth
And tell me that you know I'm hurting
You could ask me what I'm struggling with
And help sort out the chaos in my head
You could tell me that you understand
And that you'll always love me nonetheless
I'm so weak and so needy
That I need you to try so hard to get me to share
But to expect you to read my mind and come to my rescue
Is asinine beyond compare
But impossible though it may be
I can't help but long for the day
That you give me just that
Heck, maybe you already have
It could be a romantic fantasy like in the movies
Or something that I actually went through
But my heart warms at the tales of women
Who came and tended to their man, because they just knew
I hide a lot of things under the surface
I've experienced enough pain to know
That it's often the smart thing to do
Instead of throwing the weight of your problems on everyone around you
I can't appear to be so entitled
To expect others to care for my myriad needs
And yet I feel so weak and so stupid
When I realize that I've failed to make myself free
And so this is my bitter compromise
That even when I really want to unload my heart to you
I keep my mouth shut and soldier on
Because I refuse to accept that I'm such a weak-hearted fool
At least if you could read my mind
It wasn't I who put you on the spot
It wasn't I who debased both your dignity and mine
By forcing you to pick up my baggage
If you just knew and came to my aid anyway
Then I could not be held responsible for the hurt
That trying to help me would bring you
Even if you struggled enough to resent me
You'd know that you brought the challenge on yourself
But a mind reader you are not
You won't understand my pain unless I tell you
And so I'll keep quiet and tell you nothing
So that you're free and only burdened by your own troubles
But even though I know I'm a sinful fool
I want your warmth nonetheless
I want it way more often than I get it
I wish you could hold me so much more
I wish I could tell you whenever I was hurting
I wish I could tell you whenever I was scared
I wish you could hold me all the while and protect me
Until you made sure that it was all going to be okay
It would be so beautiful if neither of us cared
Whether you had to hold me for less than an hour
Or for as many days as it took to protect me
Protect me from my own demons and my own pain
Protect me from the struggles and chaos inside
Until it all went away
It would be so beautiful if I could do the same
To hold you whenever you were hurting
To warm you up and sort out your baggage
To protect you as you protected me
Because you made me strong enough
To help you deal with your own pain
But am I really strong enough
To repay you for whatever help you've already given me
Do I really have it in me to return
Even a fraction of the warmth you've shared with me?
The truth is, I can't be sure
And on my darker days,
I believe the answer is a definitive no
I'm not good enough
Even for the insufficient warmth you already have shared with me
Let alone how much warmth I truly want from you
And therefore, my pride will protect you
Protect you from the chaos within me
I will never allow you to know
Just how much, and how often, I wish you embraced me
I know my wish will never go away
It will lie buried beneath my lies, masks, and perhaps even coldness
I was raised with enough shame and harshness
To cling on to my pride for dear life
I won't stoop so low as to burden you
I won't stoop so low as to make you feel like I desperately need you
I won't let you think I'm weak
Even if you end up hating the false me I'm showing to you
It's better than loving the real me I've sealed away
Because hate allows you to leave
It allows you to remain free
But love will only tie you down
And you deserve better than the pathetic man I truly am underneath
And so I will pay the price for sealing away my wish
Even if that price is losing you altogether
Because it's more than my pride can take
To withstand the shame of standing before you
I will never indulge the dream of mine
To just fall apart in front of you and lay bare my heart
And to beg for your warmth and love
As I cry out
"Please hold me"
Submitted: March 26, 2018
© Copyright 2023 Pulak Km. All rights reserved.
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