What Did I Do

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

A coming of age in a very young life bio

Submitted: March 28, 2018

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Submitted: March 28, 2018



It always amazes me that some people do nothing to improve their lives and still get by in whatever they choose to do. Alas, I am not one of them sad to say, or is it I ask? The day I came into this world there has been nothing but heartache and misery. My parents were alcoholic along with being mental and physical abusers since as long as I can remember. I also know that this may be a long introduction to this true bio but the background of my young life must be set firm for understanding and only people who have been through what I have will understand. I will warn everyone this is not for the faint of heart. It sounds like I feel sorry for myself and that is where they make the mistake of prejudging someone who had to survive my kind of life. I want no pity as this has made me the hardhearted person that I am today even though I am not proud of it. Many years ago at an early age my aunt told me when I was three days old my mother took me and threw on my grandmothers bed and told her "take this son-of-a-bitch I do not want him" It was with my grandmother that I spent my younger years and had somewhat peace and protection from my parents. Always being shuffled between households until I was around fourteen years of age that I was finally set free but by then the damage had taken hold of me. I do not remember even once being told I was loved by my parents or held in a loving way. It was at this age of fourteen that I was thrown out of the house where we lived and I had nowhere to go as my grandmother was well on in years and being at that young age I had come to know what I thought was being grownup. Oh how wrong I was in this foolish idea, so wrong indeed. Living on the "street" had taught me survival skills that was not normal for someone so young. At times, very few times my father would let me stay for a couple of days at his house, (I can not say home as it wasn't a home like normal families have) but the abuse kept coming and I could not do anything about it or say anything because I would be beat with fists, sticks, or whatever was handy not to mention that my father was three times my size. I remember once my brother and two sisters were playing baseball on the front lawn and my brother accidentally hit my oldest sister in the head with the baseball bat. Now mind you I was not playing but talking to one of my uncles that had parked on the street in front of the house where we were at and my sister started screaming from her injury. My father came out running and took his fist and knocked me around ten feet backwards. My uncle told Richard, my father that I was talking to him and I did nothing wrong. My father then spoke up and said "the bastard needed it anyhow" I believe that then and there I made my mind up that enough is enough and left and did not go back for three years. I then made a terrible mistake and found drinking would sooth my pains and heartache but was I wrong. The drinking did not help that much so I got into using drugs and anything else to validate the mental pain. As a few years went by I grew into a physical size about the same as my father and when I saw him he was surprised at my growth. His demeanor changed when he saw that I could not be intimidated by his size any longer. I was still an outcast from the so-called family I had but by then I did not care and with my fathers health I could have easily takn him on if I had too. There was never a time where I laid my hands on dad but oh how I wanted too. There was something inside of me that knew that it would have been wrong too. I had grown into, you may say, a heathen but in my heart I knew that there is a difference between right and wrong and if I had taken my anger out on him it would have accomplished nothing. The Scriptures states in Exodus 20"12 being one of the ten commandments, "Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee" I have to respect that I was brought into this world but that does not mean that I have to bow down in front of them and let them beat me to "death" and a thank you goes to my
grandmother for trying to raise me the correct way. I watched my grandmother take her last breath of life in the hospital and years later I watched my father take his last breath of life also. He passed away in 1979 on Easter morning at 1:30 AM. I spoke with my mom that year and told her that I forgave them of my being abused mentally and physically and she told me, (of course) "we did not do anything" Well I cannot change the past but the problem is that I relive it everyday of my life. It is pure Hell to go to bed at night and wake the next morning to have it start over again over and over in my head. I no longer drink or use drugs to cope but often think I may start again praying that it never happens. It has been twenty-five years since I have done anything such as drink and drug but the pain was not there for a few years even though it was temporarily gone when I did. I pass my time now devoted to the passionate causes of animals who are abused and mistreated as I can feel their pain as I have lived through it. I am withdrawn now from society and mankind alike. I want to be around no one or nothing except the pets in my life as they do what Nature instills in them to survivve. I give them love and they give love in return asking, like me, for nothing more. I am now a broken down crippled old man at the age of sixty-two and my life is walking a thin line with my health
but I really do not care as there may be peace leaving this Earth. No. I am not going to do anything stupid like taking my own life but it seems that whatever pain I have caused others in that past should be paid for in full. I could go into countless other details on my childhood but it would serve no purpose. It is my wish that I could help younger people but even if I could speak with them, in my heart with my lack of faith in mankind, I do not
believe they would not understand as the pain they feel would override the subject if they are dealing with like circumstances. All I can do is pray that maybe a mom or dad will read this and think hard about themselves and their children if home life is as miserable as mine was. I will close now and somehow go on living, if you want to call it living and hope for a better tomorrow. May peace find you with Grace and Mercy from the Lord God above.

(Image Credit to Wikipedia)


© Copyright 2018 Roy James. All rights reserved.

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