Life and death

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: April 04, 2018

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Submitted: April 04, 2018

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Life; flowers blooming in spring, rain pouring in winter, sun beaming down with such tremendous amount of light in summer, the moon following every child, laughter filling up the empty space, tears streaming down numerous faces, anger raging out like a storm, pain and love, connection and isolation, peace and war....Life changing from good to bad, from bad to tolerable, from tolerable to exciting, and every which way that follows...life evolving into greatness, regressing in order to progress, progressing in order to digress....life a funny thing I and no one else seems to understand nor ask for, but yet we try, and try and try again each day never knowing what’s going to occur...life a gift we can’t return and don’t always appreciate or love

 

Death; taking a puff from a cigarette hoping that maybe just maybe this one will kill me, driving recklessly praying that someone will not be paying attention and end the misery....death something we cry for rather it be begging for the pain to stop, begging for that beautiful, sweet , peace of eternal sleep or pleading for it to not be true....Death turning into something desired so desperately, accepting and yearning for or something feared with every bone in one’s body...Death a black void of nothingness, a twisted humorous response... “I’ll rest when I am dead”.... an inevitable end, which many seek to prolong, an idea so innate yet for some it’s fearful to others it’s comforting and to a few a truth that just is....

 

Me; a human being, a woman, a child, a confusing, complex thing....Me, I, who am I? I welcomed death...I begged for it...I did everything with the hope it would lead to my tragic downfall....not wanting to live through the pain or the love...not wanting to be beamed down upon by the sun....wanting to be numb...wanting to see nothing more than pitch black till the end of time....wanting to die...not afraid to die....please kill me now...so afraid to live because dying is beautiful....dying is completing the circle...I did not chose to be born but I will chose to die...Please death touch my lips with your bewitching, fragile, icy cold trembling perfectly manicured hand....please death grace me with this pleasure of turning my lush pink lips that our full of life to a dark bruised color, turn my warm radiating body into a freezing pale lifeless vessel....but wait do it slowly let those around me watch because maybe just maybe they will finally hear my screams, they will finally see me drowning, they will finally realize the pain I feel is real....day after day....hour after hour....minute after minute....seconds after seconds and so on I beg you to bless me with such a gift....I try to speed up the process time after time and yet I am left screaming, crying , cursing your name because you won’t give me the pleasure of a peaceful rest.... I am angry .... I am frustrated.... I am full of bitterness and disdain.... I am hurt .... I am human .... I am me and I am depressed....

 

Okay fine you win.... I will no longer sit here and beg for mercy ... I will no longer sit here and wallow instead I will live instead I will flourish beyond belief...But wait I will keep this desperation.... this hope.... this comforting thought of when I have failed in every way possible when life has become too much... when I can say I’ve tried once more and that was the last time... I am done .... I am as good as dead and I deserve the splendors you have to offer me...when I have decided this is it....this is really the time I will take my own life without any ounce of regret or looking back...I will keep it as if it was an emergency $20 bill in the back of my phone....I will hold on to it like it’s my get out of jail card...it will not be something I want or feel the need to get on my knees and plead for but it will be my back up plan ... I won’t let go because I am not scared of you death ... I am scared of living 

 

Fine I’ll let go...I am me, a child that has so much to learn....a person that has so much to offer the world because if I am not here it will alter other people’s life....I want to live...I want to experience each emotion as it bursts out of me into something grand .... into something beautiful ... into a lesson that needs to be taught... a moment that needs to be lived ... a tragedy that needs to be experience.... a life that needs to be lived... I will live for me and for those who can’t .... I will live for the sole purpose of living and experiencing the bitter sweetness of every loss and gain.... for every tear and laugh .... I will reflect the sun light that beams in the summer.... I will blossom like the flowers in the spring and I will live by the moons that guide me safely along this enticing disaster I call my life.... I won’t shrink down tentatively in the corner ... instead I will be brave and strong and take up room with a definitive demeanor ... I will leave my mark on this world and this world will leave its mark on me ....I will be happy, I will be sad, I will be every emotion and I will succeed and I will fail but I will be grateful because I am not begging for the graceful touch of death or keeping it as my safety net.... I am not depress

 

I feel sad....a sadness I haven’t felt in awhile .... I can’t go back.... I can’t be depressed again.... I can’t fall under the alluring hand of death... what is happening ... no this is not happening.... denial... fear of losing of what I gained ... fear of admitting that  life is unexpected .... fear of admitting that being depress or burnt out doesn’t mean I will spiral out of control and once again be surviving instead of living... that I will be crying out of pure rage because death won’t take me.... wait it’s okay ... I just need help... denial won’t cure the disease it will just perpetuate it...I am struggling ... life is about struggle... but that doesn’t mean I am back to being that girl running down dark hallways to only come to a dead end ... to be backed into the place where to walls kiss ever so gently and slide down with my back slowly, oh so slowly, defeated, crying while gasping for air to see the thing that I was running from come closer and closer until I can see with blurry vision, after blinking streaming tears out of my eyes, the boots of a girl who looks just like me but it can’t be me...why would I run from me? I am not this girl anymore ... I am struggling , but I am not running ... I am fighting ... and it’s okay to feel depress... it’s okay ... I think .... I think... I need help and love from those I trust more than my own gut....life is hard ... but I will not welcome death nor will I fear it .... I will welcome life.... I won’t fear life .... but I don’t want immortality ... I want the precious gift I never asked for to be filled with ups and downs.... I want to be filled with hope and vulnerability ... I want to struggle ... I want to survive .... I want to live a life of substance but most importantly I want to always try to live my truth...but right now I need help....help from those I trust for the purpose of being able to live rather than begging on bruised knees for the merciful kiss of death.  

 


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