heaven's angel

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: April 16, 2018

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Submitted: April 16, 2018

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Heaven Angel

 

Wednesday 14th September, 2016 
I stand looking down at six foot feet hole in the ground as my life flashes in front of my eyes as i being to wonder if i was to die tomorrow would i be happy with the life i have lived and if not what could i have done to make it better. The wind blows my hair out of my face and the tears come thrashing down my face, i  lift my head and that's when i sees it, the dark brown coffin... My family carrying him over to us to lay him to rest and i take a deep breath with the feeling that my life was over.

Thursday 8th September 2016
When i woke up this morning i never expect my day to go this way, in face i never thought my life could be destroyed in a matter of seconds, that my heart could be ripped out of my chest over and over again and the pain only gets worse as reality becomes clearer all because of one phone call. That damn phone call..


I glance out my bedroom window as the rain crashes against it, i tilt my head as i watch it thinking that today could be a good day. Thinking for the first time in the past six months i don't feel depressed and i don't feel the urge to kill myself. I turn my head and try to listen into my mothers conversation as i can hear the serious tone in her voice and i know something is wrong. Who would phone her at half seven in the morning. I shake my head and try to distract myself knowing i need to finish getting myself ready for school. My mother walks through my bedroom door as i stand in front of my chest of drawers fixing my tie, i lift my head to look at her and see the tears in her eyes. 
"Mum What's wrong? Is it Grandad?" I ask her automatically thinking it would be about him, why wouldn't it be he is getting old. 
"Amelia, you should sit down"I scowl over at her not wanting to do what she tells me "No it's not" She shakes her head and me and walks closer to me "It's your Uncle Joseph.... He died this morning" 
I look at her and shake my head not willing to believe it's true, how could it be? I feel my mouth open in shock and i try to contain my emotions but i feel the lump in my throat beginning to form. 
"I've got to phone your Grunny are you okay?" I faintly hear her say 
"No, I'm not"  I shake my head at her but the shock couldn't allow me to accept the information and instead i stand there staring into space wondering to myself how can this be true? As soon as my mother leaves my room a grab a hold of my chest of drawers and feel myself collapse to the ground and the tears start flowing out of my eyes uncontrollably. I howl in silence not willing to let on to my family the pain i was feeling as i clutch onto my chest. The one person who believed in me in life is gone, The one person who always made sure i was okay and always put in effort was dead. The one person i always felt happy to see and he was taken away from me. How is that fair? 

Thursday 13th September, 2016 
I sit in my aunts house in the dining room with my hands wrapped round a cup of tea, I can feel the sadness written all over my face and i try so hard not to show the pain i am feeling, to try hide all the tears i have cried but one look at my puffy face and you could see i was anything but okay. I wake up each morning and nothing feels the same. Every time something bad happens in my life i feel that piece of me getting taken away, a part of my happiness and part of my soul and it happened long before he left. I thought it would get easier, that each day i would wake up and i would feel a little better but i was wrong, it only felt like it was getting worse like the sadness in me was only growing stronger.

 
" Are you okay dear?" I hear my mother say as she approaches the table
"Yes I'm fine" I lie to her, the truth was i wasn't fine but i knew i had to place a smile on my face just like every other day and pray that people would believed me. Some times they see the pain in your eyes and they know you aren't fine, they notice it is only an act but are afraid to ask what the real answer is because they know all the pain and emotions we hide inside will come out and they won't be able to stop it so instead they pretend that you are fine. 
I watch as my Aunt Sarah walks over to the kitchen table where i was sat and grabs a hold of me pulling me up onto my feet and she wraps her arms around my body hugging me, i hug her back and let out a quiet sigh knowing this was what i needed. 
"I'm so sorry sweetheart" She whispers into my ear 
"It's not your fault" I remind her and it wasn't, she isn't the reason why my uncle isn't here. He had a heart attack and no one could have prevented it, he was gone before we knew it. I try to hide my emotions from her but i can feel it all coming up into my throat, i close my eyes hoping the tears would go away because in my mind i had to be strong for her. She lost her husband, the love of her life and i knew if i broke then she would too. 

Wednesday 14th September, 2016 
I sit in the funeral directors with my family by myself, i look out at the coffin as i wear my Liverpool football top just like my uncle wanted, the whole room was like a sea of red and he would of loved it. But i know i'm not ready to say good bye not yet, i don't think i'll ever be ready. 


"Thank you ladies and Gentleman for being here today" Robert the funeral director announces to us all and i can hear the sobs coming from every direction of me as he speaks of memories of my uncle. From when he was a wee lad to when he was auld and grey.


Just before the men stand up to take the flowers away to the hearse i look at the coffin and tilt my head. How am i meant to say goodbye? How am i meant to go on with my life now that you are gone? How am i meant to cope not having you around? How do i go on knowing i will never see you again? Every time i hear my name i think of you because you chose it. Not only did i lose my uncle but i lost my father figure, You treated me like your own when my own father walked out. When i was sick which was a lot you would cuddle me and tell me everything was going to be okay even if you knew it wasn't.... When you died it felt like i had nothing left, you protected me from things i couldn't protect myself from and now i'm left with nothing but pain.... and i wish i could go back in time and change things. 
We stand by the hearse and walk up to the grave, i look at the hole and my heart sinks inside of me. It's so difficult trying not to jump in and join you, it's hard to say goodbye. When i look around me there is a hundred people gathered together their faces as wet as a swimming pool and not one person can bare the pain. No one can live with the fact that when we walk through your front door we will no longer hear the insults "Here's Pishy", not a single word. We won't get cuddles, we won't get to see you and it's impossible not to think about you without crying and it hurts. 

 28th December, 2016 
I wish i died yesterday.... A part of me wishes that when i had that asthma attack and collapsed in the hospital that as i gasped for air that my heart would stop beating but it didn't. I wished i would die here in the hospital because then perhaps all the pain i would feel inside would go away, I wouldn't have to wake each day and fake a smile or pretend everything's okay when my life is in pieces. When ever it feels like i get a remote piece of happiness it dies or walks out just like everything else i love. 


"Amelia, Are you alright?" My friends messages me feeling concerned "You've been so different lately are you sure you are okay?" 
I want to tell her the truth but i can't. I can't tell her that i've practically tied the noose around my neck and that all i need to do is jump, she would think i was being crazy but i just want it all to go away... the pain, the guilt.
"I don't know what is going on but i'm worried. What can i do?" She asks me wanting to help but i shake my head at my phone 
"There is nothing you can say or do to help, it's not going to be okay" I reply to her not hiding the truth 
"It will overtime "She attempts to reassure me but i know it won't be. 
"No it won't, My uncle died. My grandad is dying from cancer and each Saturday i watch him fade away into a black hole that he will never come back from. My health is a mess and i every time i think i have control of it i get proven that i don't. My life is a mess and as each day goes by the more pain i feel inside" I express my feelings to her, i close my eyes and lean my head back on the pillows and take a deep breath in 

2nd January, 2017 
I look out my bedroom window with my notebook in hand and look up to the sky, i tilt my head and let out a sigh. Today was meant to be your birthday, you should have been here with us but you're not. You were taken away from us too soon and now we have to watch Grandad die in front of our eyes. What did we do to deserve this pain? What did i do wrong? There is so much i wish i said to you when i had the chance but i never did and it is one of the biggest regrets in life, there is so much things i wish i could have done different and who knows maybe if i did them you would still be around. I wrote you a poem and i know it isn't very good but it was all that i felt i could do for you. 

"The days are often long, 

Now that you're not with us. 

The days are often long, 

Knowing you can't be with us. 

The memories we've shared, 

Will never disappear, 

We will hold them in our hearts.

You were loved dearly, 

By everyone who knew you. 

You protected those you loved, 

Even if it hurt you. 

Now you are safe within in the stars, 

Watching us from above, 

But i can't help but miss you

And all your love

You're Watching every movement,

Laughing along wae us,

I wish I could see ye

One mare time.

Just tae say goodbye.

To tell ye how much I miss ye

Ti hug ye one mare time

Some days I barely saw ye

Some weeks and months went past,

I will never forgive meself for hardly seeing ye.

Ye never know which day

Will be yer last.

I’ll hold ye close within me heart,

Yell never fade awa,

Just ken yer family loves ye

And think of ye each day”


© Copyright 2020 AnnieBirnie. All rights reserved.

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