my father

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: April 20, 2018

A A A | A A A

Submitted: April 20, 2018

A A A

A A A


The distance between is something only time can heal 

Yet even after 17 years the pain is oh so real 

I wake up everyday 

hoping that you found Error I’m pushing me away 

We yelled we fought and I tried to replace your influence 

But little did I know a fathers love had a distance 

That there is a point when a daughter becomes the enemy; the reason behind every one of your mistakes 

The longing of close human contact filled me leading me to do anything possible to gain the recognition of pride in the cold, distant eyes of my father

I pulled away sheltering myself in the darkest loneliest corner I could find 

 childhood dreams dwindled until the only thing left to dream about was any hint of light in my otherwise clouding depression 

Vulnerable, insecure, fragile the now preteen became a shell of the person she once was and in the blink of an eye she no longer existed

After years of bitterness and rejection our relationship became non existent 

Slowly the the caring image of my father transformed, blurring until your face became nothing but a distant stranger passing me on the street. 

Rainy days and mindless rambling formed insignificant chatter filling the otherwise   deafening silence

A decade passes; along with it my feelings of anger and resentment are wiped away by the love and hope instilled into me by my pseudo family leaving behind the black empty hole where the love for u should be

The pain of giving up consumes me and out of the blue u give me a sliver of hope 

I almost grab on wanting to clench so hard to the longing for ur pride and acknowledgement but I pull away sheltering and clinging to that darkness that protected me for so long 

Fear grips into my heart creating walls that have since been destroyed so long ago. I build with reckless persistence forgetting the hope and love from others that I have felt for the past years

My naive mind had an all or nothing mentality In my resistance to your trickery I blocked out every piece of love flowing into my now hardened and fortified heart. My intimate and relationships that have kept me alive for so long disintegrating right before my eyes mixing until they become nothing but a mass of emotions and memories. 

I freeze realizing if I go any further if I build my walls any thicker if I protect myself anymore the relationships I ripped from my life will be unrepairable. I watch my life crumble and see in the midst of the madness my soul mate and my sisters and my brothers standing protecting me from the chaos that comes with new hope for u. 

I make a decision to build my walls not with anger but with love to protect myself not with a mask but with friendships and never ending faith in the one true Christ. I Continue building and renewing strength in friends and family so when u fail me when I give in and allow myself to believe your deception and you disappoint and fail I won’t  I have a safety net ready to catch me and hold me up to bring me back to who I once was and who I am meant to be 

Your power to wound me has run out my fear for you has disappeared until it is so small that it is nothing but a distant childhood memory. No longer is my father my dad but you will always be my father. I may not be your princess but I am at least in the court. I may not be the daughter you wanted. The one you look at and be proud but I am proud of me. 

 


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