The Bond family is a small one, with only Alease and Gregory and their two sons, twins Leo and Donte. They have spent much time moving from town to town in an attempt to be safe and happy. Now they
have finally settled down in a large house in the country, undisturbed by others on the outside. Though they have found a new happiness here and settled in for a personal record of two months, the
boys must now face a trial of their own. Will their parents and their past aid the children, or only go so far as to make this ghoulish nightmare they've woken into too hard to handle?

Table of Contents

How it all began

The morning started with the crowing of a rooster's morning song, awakening the Bond household's youngest occupants, Leon and Donte. Th... Read Chapter

One Bond Broken

This day began not with the tune of a rooster, but with the buzz of the morning intercom. Donte was the first to wake up on the bunk be... Read Chapter

Something Lost Something Gained

Leon was sitting inside Zane's office, his head tilted to the side while he snored lightly. Binding his arms to his sides was a straigh... Read Chapter

Bonds Long Forgotten

Leo was on his knees in his new bedroom, his eyes wide and fixated on the girl who was just moments ago a friendly dog resting her head... Read Chapter

A Night To Remember

Leo's first morning in his new home was a quiet one, the beams of the rising sun peering in through the blinds to reveal dancing s... Read Chapter

Sacrifices Must Be Made

The local hospital was booming with business today as countless patients hurried in after what news was reporting as a terror attack. M... Read Chapter

Recent Comments

P3anut

I finally got around to reading this! I have a couple things, but a lot of it might be more nit-picky than anything. Overall, it's mostly comments geared towards making your writing stronger and more fluid.

In the beginning, you used a line to describe the boys when they were waiting for their breakfast - "hungry little angels". Personally, I'm not sure that that's the strongest phrase to use there. A reason for that is simply I don't associate angels with eating. I may be alone in that thinking, but a more universal hunger comparison could be with animals. Then again, that's just my personal thinking.

Paragraph breaks. I'm glad your writing isn't just a single big block of text, but your paragraph breaking is a little inconsistent, and you don't have paragraph breaks where you need them. A mnemonic device to remember where to place a paragraph break is TiP ToP (Ti - Time, P - Place, To - Topic, and P - Person). You need to start a new paragraph every time a different character is speaking.

This one is a little nit-picky, but the lines about the pillow fight. Little kids can be really dramatic. Since the pillow fight is already described as a war, Donte could've easily just told the story using big words he barely knows and been super dramatic with it. Dramatic little kids is something easy to play with. Again, this is probably a little nit-picky, but it would've melded the relationships between the characters more and would've made the deaths that much more impactful.

Your descriptions are okay. A good description of a character should allude to their development in some way, and the description shouldn't feel like a long drag. Don't stress yourself with the specific shades and such. When you described Alease, it felt dragged out and didn't allude to her character enough. Her and Gregory's abilities came out of nowhere, so you could've used the descriptions to allude to those abilities. To introduce Alease, you could've been like "The boys bounced into the kitchen but fell silent at the sight of the blonde-haired woman, their mother Alease, at the stove. When Alease turned to them, she watched them with smiling silver eyes." To allude to her abilities, you could've had the cup of tea be too hot and her hold the cup for too-short of a time for the steam to dissipate. You could also have constant discoloration on her fingers because her hands are always super cold.

The fight in the front yard was very dramatic - almost too much. It was also a little confusing because the abilities came out of nowhere. The missile was too much. If this was visual, I could understand the use of the missile a little more. The missile also had me wondering how the ice-encasing protected Leon but the thick glacial armor didn't protect Alease.

Your dialogue is a little awkward too. Most of the characters sound the same; their dialogue needs to be stylized and needs to fit their age. The transition to the conversation about the playground fight was awkward because the parent would've already known about the fight; schools typically call the parents when a kid gets into a fight. The conversation in the office felt really awkward too. It was rushed. I'm not entirely sure if that scene was necessary because it partially answers some of the questions you shouldn't answer yet.

Overall, the story is still interesting. There's the curiosity behind why the Bond family moves around a lot and why they have powers. As someone who read the original, I see the great difference in your writing, and I'm excited to see your work grow even greater.

Fri, June 8th, 2018 3:38pm

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