REJECTION

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: April 22, 2018

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Submitted: April 22, 2018

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Dear family and friends,

If you are reading this I am probably dead. I am sorry to have to say this but I am in fact dead because I couldn’t take what I was feeling. It was too hard to cope with everything that I was feeling. I wrote some of you some letters, those of you that don’t get a letter means that I didn’t want to take the time to write you one because why should I write a letter to someone that who didn’t give a crap about me when I was alive and now that I’m dead you actually care no that is so totally hypocritical. So here are some letters that may be addressed to multiple people, so just please read your letter and then pass it on to the next person on the list. The list would go my dad and Grandpa Smith, my siblings: Trisha, Cassie and Sean.

Dear dad and Grandpa Smith,

I’m sorry you have to read this, but I couldn’t tell you guys something about what was going on with me because I didn’t want to you more than I already did. It was nothing you guys did. In fact, you guys supported me through everything. What was going on with me has more to do with me my feelings I kept on bottling up inside. The feelings I am talking about has to do with my self-esteem issues, the fact that I didn’t have many friends throughout my life hurt me even more and the fact I couldn’t talk to you guys about it hurt me the most. Telling you guys would have just hurt you guys and that is what I didn’t want to happen.

Dear Trisha, Cassie and Sean,

Well I don’t know what to say to you guys. Besides the fact you all caused this because you all only cared about yourself. If you actually cared about me you would have recognized the signs that I was suicidal and then told someone about it, but you didn’t care enough to even notice the signs; so this is your entire fault. Especially you Trisha you could care less if I was dead or alive. Now that I’m dead Trisha you could continue getting all the attention over the fact that you popped out 2 children because you are so stupid.

Sincerely,

Your invisible daughter, granddaughter, and sister.  

This was a letter Kaitlyn Smith wrote to her family and boyfriend before she killed herself on August 1st 2017. She had no other choice but to kill herself because she had so much pain inside of her that she didn’t want to feel anymore. This is a story about how Kaitlyn’s suicidal thoughts all started.

It all started when she and her family moved to this little town called Franklin Grove. She thought it would be easier to make friends living in a small town, but that wasn’t the case. When she started her new school in August it was hard for her to talk to people. She was a very shy person to begin with and it just got worse over the school year went on. The reason I say it got worse for Kate because she was picked on every single day and that just made her pull back even more. Kate at the time didn’t know she had trust issue, but today she does know that. She realized that being picked on in middle school made it hard for her to trust people in high school. Kate didn’t have the greatest high school experience. I say this because every time Kate tried to talk to someone she would just get ignored. The only people that didn’t ignore her when she talked to them were her friend Harley and her teachers. She preferred to talk to her teachers because they didn’t pick on her or even ignore. By the time she graduated she only had one close friend and that was Harley. She felt like she didn’t belong all through high school. She also felt like she was different from the other students. That is why most of her high school years she had self-harming and suicidal thoughts. Another thing that made her have these thoughts was when her family got on her nerves. So you can probably tell that her high school years were terrible.

Her family didn’t make it easy for her either all they kept saying just try and start talking to some people. Kaitlyn thought to herself how can I talk to people when I can’t even trust people because of all the shit that I have been through. So all Kaitlyn did was focused on her studies throughout her high school career, but that still didn’t help with her thoughts because her family caused a lot of her thoughts. Her family just would yell at her constantly whenever she did something wrong.

When Kaitlyn was a senior in high school she applied to colleges and found one that she really liked and she finally got the letter saying she got in. Kaitlyn was so excited to be going away to college to get away from her family.

When she reached college it wasn’t any better. She heard people laughing at her behind her back. So she just pulled away and focused on her classes, until she joined the organization called Intervarsity Christian Fellowship. That didn’t work out because when her phone went off one time they started laughing, so she just stopped going to that. It was getting harder and harder for her to make friends. She told her family about how hard it was to make friends, but all they said was to join an organization. She thought to herself “what the fuck.” She expected them to do more, for example, she expected them to help her out a little bit, but no they can’t do shit to help her. Then things got even worse for her because her sister Sandy got pregnant twice and that is when she felt ignored by her family. So those thoughts just got even worse for her. She didn’t know what to do about it. In fact, one semester it got so bad that she contacted her high school teacher because she needed someone to talk to and that the only person she thought of.

Then things changed and the thoughts went away until she went back to school, but she didn’t want to go to counseling again. She didn’t start going to counseling until late second semester when the police forced her to go talk to someone. So she did go talk someone and he recommended to her to continue counseling throughout the summer. So she looked up some counselors near her hometown and called them and made an appointment. She only went to two appointments because her family was too busy to take her to talk to someone so she can deal with her own issues. Kaitlyn just kept thinking that her family probably thinks that she has no issues, which is probably why they said they were too busy to take her to counseling. Kaitlyn also couldn’t get out of her head the fact that her family’s issues are way more important than her issues.

One year later, she was at that place where she wanted to self-harm and even die. Now Kate found someone she can trust to talk about this. To handle this throughout the summer of 2015 she is going to counseling because someone recommended that she go to counseling throughout the summer, so she can get the help she needs. The only thing she isn’t going to do is tell her mom or grandma about going to counseling because they might ask questions. She did tell her aunt about everything because if she is in town she will be taking me to counseling.

On July 21st 2015 things started to get really bad because Kaitlyn flipped out on her mom and grandma because they wouldn’t take her to the college in town. She said things she regrets now, but she did say sorry for the things she said out of anger. Then she just walked up and got a cabs phone and called them for a ride. It cost her $53, but she really needed to do this to succeed in college. She thought to herself that maybe her family doesn’t want her to succeed; maybe they just want her to depend on them forever so they can get all the sympathy possible. Everything was fine the next day, no fights at all just talking like normal people.
The next day, on July 22nd 2015 Kaitlyn’s dad texted her grandma saying they need to be out by September 1st 2015. So things started to get heated up for a little bit, but that wasn’t Kaitlyn’s fault. Kaitlyn’s dad was just tired of her grandma saying she is done raising kids and she is done with everyone in that house. Her dad and her other grandma and grandpa came up with that decision, Kaitlyn had nothing to do with that decision, but yet everything is her fault according to her mom and grandma.
Then on July 23rd 2015 things started to get rough again. Kaitlyn’s sister and dad called the sheriff because her grandma would let Kaitlyn’s sister in the house to get her stuff out of the basement. Kaitlyn got blamed for what her sister did. They told her that this is your fault, if Kaitlyn wouldn’t have called her father and told him everything that was said none of this would have happened, but Kaitlyn just needed someone to talk to since she can’t count on her mom and grandma. So Kaitlyn just grabbed all of her shit and started to walk, didn’t know where she was going until she hit the arcade/ ice cream shop. So she went in there and sat down and started to get more in depth of her story she was writing.

In spring 2016 Kate ended up getting hospitalized because of her suicidal ideations. She told the wrong person about her thoughts and he called the cops on her and they came and took her to the hospital. When Kate got to the hospital they recommended that she go to a psychiatric hospital to get the help she needed. While she was hospitalized for an entire week she journaled all day and every day. Here are some of Kate’s journals while she was hospitalized:  All of her journals will be written as they are written in the journal itself.

 

 

 

April 28th 2016

Well it turns out I’m a threat to myself to where the hospital felt like I should be transferred to a different hospital to get help. I finally arrived at the hospital at 2am, but I did fall asleep before I left to go to another hospital and while I was going to the new hospital. Now I am just sitting here watching the price is right and writing down everything that happened in the last 12 hours or so. I just wish I had my phone to text Zack and talk to him about all of this, but I don’t have my phone so I can’t do that. I can make phone calls so; I guess that is a good thing. I really want to go home and just relax at home, but the doctors think that I am not safe when I am at home. I guess I can start writing a short story while I’m here, writing always did help me cope with this. Here is the thing I don’t know what to write about. When I finally figure out what to write about then I will start writing. Should I call my family and tell them what is going or should I keep them in the dark about this whole thing. Well maybe I should call them because when I finally get out of this hell hole I am going to need a ride home. It is now 1:55pm and I still haven’t called my family to tell them what is going on with me. I am not sure if I am going to call them today or not. I can’t take this anymore; I want to go home NOW!!! Looks like I will be missing class on Saturday and on Monday, which makes me so pissed because then I can’t turn my homework that is due. I just wish I can go home today or tomorrow but I guess I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go home today because I just arrived at 2am. This is going to suck because of school and everything else that is happening in my life.

April 29th 2016

Another day has begun. This morning I am watching Law and order: SVU and writing at the same time. Well just got done eating breakfast. I wish I can go home, but I know that isn’t going to happen today. Maybe today I will actually sit down and write a short story, since I in fact don’t have anything better to do. So bored right now. I can’t even figure out what to write about that is how bored I am. It is now 12:38pm and I just finished eating lunch. I haven’t been doing much because of my knee being messed up, not that I have much to do anyway because I am in fact in this hell hole.

 

 

April 30th 2016

Another day in the hospital. Aren’t doing much again just journaling and watching television. My cousin, grandpa, and sister are supposed to come up at 2-3pm.

Well it is quiet time now. So I am just sitting in my room waiting for the hour to be up, so I can ask to take a shower because I just found out I could by reading the papers in my folder. I’ve been here since Thursday and it is Saturday and I didn’t know they had showering facilities. So at 4pm I am going to ask to take a shower and brush my teeth. I’m not sure how long I have until I can take a shower because there is no clock.

May 1st 2016

Well it is 10:22am and I just got done with a goals group. My goals are simple: short-term goals are learning to cope with the thoughts in my head when I get out of here. My long-term goal is to finish school and graduate next May. Then after that I plan on getting a job at a daycare and work for the rest of my life. I probably will have to seek counseling after I graduate too, so I don’t end up back in the hospital again.

At another group time talking about coping strategies. These groups are really helping me deal with my issues because it is teaching me ways to help me deal with my thoughts. Looks like I didn’t get to go to church today because I am in the hospital.

It is now 3:12pm and it is quiet time once again. I hate this part of the day because it is so boring.

Kate was finally released from the hospital on May 4th 2016 she was fine all of that summer plus all of the next school year, including both fall and spring semesters.

Then when summer 2017 rolled around things started to get hard for her because she was struggling to find a job and people were rejecting her from left to right. So she made a plan and a date to kill herself off of this planet to go and be with God.

Her plan for August 1st 2017 was to take a steak knife from her night stand that she has been hiding for a little less than a year and start cutting her wrists, her thighs and every other part of her body until she bleeds to death. She thought this was the best way to go out of this world because having holes in her body will release all of the pain inside of her and when she goes to be with God she will no longer have that emotional pain inside of her anymore. She is free of the pain that many people in her life had caused her to feel.

 


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