the man in my wall

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Fantasy  |  House: Booksie Classic

one of the most common topics " self esteem "

I had to break the routine, it is unbearable, to wake up go to school have the same day again and again and again. But that wasn’t easy to do. I preferred the exiled life, where I can stay away from people as much as I can. 
‘’ you have to come out of your shell a little bit and start to meet new people’’ says my mom all the time 
But she has no idea how hard it is. To meet people, to leave the best impression you can leave, to have them like you. Why should we try this hard? I don’t know. 
It always consumes me, but everybody says that I can gain experience when I meet more people, even if I fail to gain their respect or trust. I wanted to change all of that because it keeps getting worse day by day, and I am gaining no experience, the only thing I end up with is a great deal of embarrassment and awkwardness.
Sometimes I feel like I want to live alone, I don’t know if that’s because of the negativity that is always around, or is it because how dull my life is.
It is really annoying how they look at me, every single person thinks they know me; it’s too hard to get accepted. 
That’s not what I’m here to tell you thou, I actually wanted to tell you about that person, he is always there, it bothers me but I can’t complain, when I tell my family about his presence and how it is annoying they pressure me to like him. Seriously I have no idea why they like him, or even why they want me to accept him. But I don’t care how much they push me to be nice to him, there is no way I’m going to accept him. First of all the way he looks is just bizarre. His eyes are so hollow they can haunt your dreams, and the rest of his face is just the same. From his nose to his mouth, the figure that he puts forth is just bizarre. Yet that is not the worst thing, what bothers me the most is his constant presence, he has somehow found a way to make a passage to my bedroom wall, so whenever I look he is there, I never talked to him before, most of the time I try to ignore his presence.
I was able to forget how he looked, and erase his fearsome gaze from my dreams. Not on my own did I do that, she helped me. She was like the complete opposite of him, when I saw her standing there that night I knew that angels had the power to erase devils just by existing. I so wanted to talk to her, but I knew how important she was to me, so our first time talking must be as special as she is to me.
Sometimes I felt like I wanted to give her my life, my soul, the core of my existence. The people at school didn’t accept me so I rejected their existence. I could see no one but she, the light that came out from her was blinding anyway, even if I wanted to see them I wouldn’t be able to.
When I got back home I realized that I was pushing our meeting back because I was afraid I would mess it up. However I couldn’t tell my mother about her, it felt so awkward, so I had to face that on my own. Going back to my room I knew what I was going to see.
Honestly I don’t know whether he is a person or not, but on entering the room I was surprised to find him crying however no expressions appeared on his face, his tears covered his face but he showed no emotion.
I have no idea why I did that but suddenly I asked him “what’s wrong?”
His answer made me furious.
“It is because you won’t talk to her” he said
Honestly what angered me wasn’t that he was talking to me about something personal, but I knew that I had to talk to her and that pissed me off, I hated that he was right. 
But I didn’t, I couldn’t get myself together the other day, I was so ready to die that day. I knew that he was waiting back home, and he was going to tell me how much of a failure I’m.
When I reached my room I took a quick look at him, he was looking at me as if he knew that I was going to look at him today.
“Yeah, I failed and I am going to continue to be a failure for the rest of my life. So don’t bother telling me how much I suck because I don’t care, I want to be a failure forever” I told him
“You really think that you are a failure? Do you take no credit in going there every day with the resolve of talking to her, one time you are going to, trust me you just need to try harder instead of worrying about her reaction. Look at me, I come here every day even thou I know how much you hate that, but even when I cry, I never say that I failed to gain your acceptance”
His words made perfect sense, I had to go and try one more time. 
She was standing alone waiting for the bus, it was raining yet she had no umbrella, but I had one.
“This is it” I said to myself.
I saw it happen a million time on anime and movies.
Right now I should go and shield her from the rain and tell her that I shall shield her forever from any bad thought that shall befall her. 
I ran quickly towards her, and then I realized that this is the moment when the bus comes in the movie and ruins the great meeting. I didn’t want that to happen so I ran faster, I thought I was going to fall because of how wet the ground was, but even that didn’t happen. I finally reached her and I put the umbrella over her head. 
When I looked at her I was astonished, her gaze was even more demonic than that man in my wall.
“Go away loser I don’t want to be seen around an idiot like you” she said.
I didn’t know how to react, I didn’t even say a thing, and the great meeting was ruined before it even started. I am pretty sure that I was unable to speak back then. But I was thinking. Why should this be a great meeting if she is a horrible person? In fact this unfortunate morning is just suitable for our meeting. I stood there holding my umbrella and minutes later I realized that she was gone and I was soaked. The day was like living a nightmare, they all made fun of me because I tried to be nice to her. And a guy who liked her even punched me in the stomach. But all I was thinking about was why?
She wasn’t worth going through all of that, why did I go and try talking to her? And then I remembered that he was the one that did that. He knew that I would fail so he forced me to do that. 
On my way home all I could think of was how much I hated him. I went to my room instantly. I wanted to kill him if possible. 
But he looked even more gruesome, his teeth, his frown. I took a step back and he looked at me as if he wanted me to yell at him, like he wanted recognition even if I was going to blame him.
I ignored him and slept on the bed.
I woke up at midnight not remembering a thing due to the routine I think, midway to the fridge I remembered the hell I’m living at the moment.
 So I stopped for a moment and I went back to my room to check if he was still there. 
As I entered the room I heard him speak. 
“You can hate me forever, you can blame me for every fault that is yours, and you can claim that you think everyone sucks, but deep inside you know that they are perfectly natural and you are the one that can’t keep up, you hate that you can’t prove your existence, but you don’t want to change. You can’t find a way can you? You will always hate me because you seek their acceptance not mine, you see me as a devil and you see them as angels because you want to, but do you want to know the truth?
You will never gain their acceptance if you can’t at least accept yourself” 
When I reached my bedroom wall I couldn’t find him. But he said enough for me to understand what needs to be done.
This time the routine was easily broken, at the prom everybody looked very happy and they even made a wall poster with their names on, and I noticed my name was missing, so I grabbed a marker and I stood on the stage and I wrote my name on it. 
Everybody looked surprised but this time I really didn’t care because I was taking actions, I didn’t just say that I didn’t care. 
I even started to dance when I noticed that cameras were filming the party. And finally when they were awarding us with our titles I won they gave me a title for my courage. Which I learned later was a bet that if I showed up they would give me the title.
I don’t know who that guy was, but his words changed my life. 
My parents hanged a mirror on the wall where he usually used to be. It is weird but it felt like I never looked at one, turns out I don’t look that bad after all.

Submitted: April 23, 2018

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