Drown In Negativity

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic


Felt important to me to put this up with no editing

Submitted: April 29, 2018

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Submitted: April 29, 2018

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It’s heating up, but the ice isn’t melting,

Frozen in place, but the clock keeps ticking.

Time’s running out, now, it’s almost judgement day,

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, it’s time to face it.

 

Told you to make this the dose die on,

You fucked up, when you stopped using.

Know your ass won’t make that mistake twice,

Don’t try to leave again, next time I won’t be this nice.

See your death date above your head, with my shinigami eyes,

Flood your mind with suicide, I’m trynna make sure you die.

You’re feeling trapped, now, the walls keep closing in,

Shower as much as you like, you can’t wash away your sin.

Thirtieth day of the fourth month, it’s gonna be all over,

Come to the light, my child, it’s time to crossover.

 

Is this really it for me, did I run out of time,

Need a referee, do I have a timeout left?

Am I really about to take my last breath,

There’s so many things that I’ve left unsaid.

Wanna cry, but the tears just won’t come out,

Four and half years, been suffering from this affliction,

Been hiding in the shadows, ashamed of how I feel.

It’s a secret, I can’t tell anyone, can’t risk a squeal,

Can’t be weak right now, I’m a man, I’ve gotta be strong.

 

North, south, east and west, ain’t nobody there,

In your darkest moment, you’re all alone.

I’m the only one, who's ever been here for you,

But you won’t cross over, you won’t let me win.

No playstation, nigga this is ain’t no game,

Made you suffer in silence, flood you with shame.

No one really loves you, no one really cares,

When you need it, no one will open their ears.

 

I hide behind a pen name, cause no one wants to hear me,

See the real me, and that’s when it all falls apart.

Seasons they change, but I always stay the same,

My problems rest on me, there’s no one else to blame.

Immune system is failing, stress level is in the stratosphere,

I feel a familiar sickness, washing over me like a tsunami.

Won’t you please give me a minute of your time, I just wanna talk,

Open up my mouth, but you just turn and walk away from me.

 

I made sure no one would ever love you,

Keep breaking you heart, shatter it like glass.

Your classes, I’ll make sure that you won’t pass,

My only goal is to destroy you, doesn’t matter how long it takes.

You’re tied around my finger, like a shoelace,

Got you in my vice grip, and I’m not gonna let go.

You don’t free will, I’m running this show,

Now do as I say, and write your last memo.

 

At twenty one, I feel my life is over,

Nothing will be the same, when it all comes out.

About to drop a tactical nuke on this life,

On my neck, I feel the cold steel of a knife.

Heartbreak after heartbreak, I feel nothing but pain,

Even in my dreams, I can’t escape this feeling.

Muscle fibers keep me up at night, I hear their cries,

Push myself past my limits, just trynna to survive.

Do everything I can, but it’s just not enough,

I’m not made for this, I’m just not that tough.

 

I make you change colors like a mood ring,

Unstable, I’m making you walk that tightrope.

Pressure’s intense, like a fire house, hold it in,

Keep having those outbursts, get closer to the edge.

I’m always right behind you, I’m your shadow,

Can you feel my hands wrap around your throat?

Feel your sins crawling up your back yet,

I’m getting to you, you’re starting to sweat.

 

I just wanna make my momma proud of me,

I’ve been fucking up, I know I’ve been a bad son.

Always talk about doing better, but I keep getting worse,

Swear to God, I think that my DNA is cursed.

I just wanna make my sister proud of me,

I’ve been fucking up, I know I’ve been a bad brother.

Toxic like a tide pod, everything I do just ain’t enough,

Never follow through, go ahead, just call my bluff.

I just wanna make my friends proud of me,

I’ve been fucking up, I know I’ve been a bad friend.

Make everyone laugh, I don’t want y’all to feel any pain,

Good vibes only, just wanna free y’all from your chains.

Ain’t want no one to feel the way that I feel,

Try to spread positivity, while I drown in negativity.

 

I see the trauma, through your soul’s windows,

Stress sickness, coughing up your lungs.

There’s a growing feeling, you just wanna be done,

Living life, for you, yeah it’s never been fun.

Drink me in, don’t stop ‘til you pass out,

Keep smoking, ‘til your blood turns to nicotine.

Keep slashing your skin, ‘til there’s no more space,

I feel you slowing down, can’t finish this race.

 

Emotional support friend, but I don’t get that back,

I’ve got yours, but it feels like no one’s got mine.

Pennies always found on tails, think that’s a sign,

Never had any luck, so I had to make my own.

Tired now, I just wanna sleep all the time,

Always stimulated, though, so I can never sleep.

Temptation online, it keeps luring me away,

Hours pass, and I ain’t get my work done.

Legacy of failure, that’s what I leave behind,

I’d give up everything, if I could just press rewind.

Too old for this shit, now, I gotta get on some meds,

If I keep walking this path, I’m gonna end up dead.

 

Time’s up now, judgement day has arrived,

There’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

 


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