Now, Look Here (Publicistics) — Part Three

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: We, The Silly People

Chapter 13 (v.1) - Are you ready for the elections?

Submitted: May 06, 2018

Reads: 15

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Submitted: May 06, 2018

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ARE YOU READY FOR THE ELECTIONS?


As can be seen, there again come elections, how you say in English, and we still don't know what this word means. Although it isn't that we have not heard one Latin word with a bit intimate use, namely ... erection! Well, will somebody say, but there is nothing in common between both words, and he will be wrong, because every logopedist will tell you that the sounds 'r' and 'l' are pretty similar and often interchangeable. And you know that the English (as well also the Americans), instead of to strain their tongue making it to reverberate for the 'r', just draw it a bit deeper in the throat and pronounce something very near to that sound like in the word 'girl', because it is easy in this way for them. So that these two words are like twins, in the sense that both mean some 'heaving'. For it is really so, because what are the elections, if not some elevation of eminent political figures on the high arena called Parliament? Or, putting it in simple words: The people make the election, and the politicians get the 'erection'! That is how it is, because the politicians know well where is the 'honey', and it is always good to be near to the barrel with it, or to the state pie.
Yet let we leave the chosen people in peace and think about what we can do for the 'lifters' or electors, because the choice is not at all an easy thing. Some nations have even proverbs for such cases, where the Germans (as well also the Austrians) say: Wer die Wahl hat, hat die Qual, what in English means that 'the choice is a torment'. And this torment was known to the people already since Roman times, for the reason that the word 'quality' in English (as well also in Australian, right?) comes from the same torment (to obtain good quality). But, torment or not, the people must choose, so that somebody must help them in this. And exactly this is our task now — to help the people, offering them some simple algorithms for choosing.

1. Algorithm of the wife

It consists in this, that two or three days before the elections the husband asks his wife for whom she is going to vote. As far as in our situation there are usually two leading parties, then after she names the one party he simply chooses ... the other one! This rule is known already from Roman times and usually gives very good results in cases of electoral torments of various character. For single living men, naturally, there are not problems to ask their girl friend (or favorite feminine colleague), so that this nearly solves the problem for the masculine half of the population.

2. Algorithm of the husband

It, for its part, is based on the natural orientation of the man, expressed in the most masculine in him. In the election day, when the husband gets from the bed, washes himself, breakfasts, and becomes dressed, for to go out to vote, his wife simply looks at him attentively, in order to find out ... in which direction of his trousers he has put his masculine part! In this way she now knows whether she must vote for the left-wing or the right-wing parties, and if occasionally sees that it stand by him in the middle, then she votes for the most powerful centrist party. For unmarried women there are no problems to spend the night before the elections with their beloved man, or, if this in the moment is difficult to be done (for some physiological or other reasons), then to call him in the morning by the phone and ask him about this with the inherent for their sex coquetry. Even if this surprises in some extent the man, then this surprise will be only pleasant for him.

3. Algorithm of the home pet

This algorithm can be applied with little dogs, kitties, hamsters, or with a small child which still crawls on the ground. On small pieces of paper are written the initials of 5-6 parties, between which one is in doubt for which one to vote, then they are rolled in small balls and put in the middle of the room, or on a small rug. After this you retreat a bit away, in order not to disturb the natural curiosity of the pet, but watch it carefully, and when it begins to play with some of the balls you take it from the pet, unfold it, and read what you have written on it. In this way your choice is done for you in an objective and impartial way, though it is necessary, of course, to approach the matter fair, not to allure the 'independent voter' with paper pieces where earlier was wrapped something tasty for it (or him or her). If you occasionally have neither little crawling child, nor animal pet, then you just make a visit to some of your friends who have it, and you can be sure that you will spend an interesting and pleasant meeting with them.

4. Algorithm of the gentleman

As it is known, the gentleman usually defends the weakest party (because the strongest has no need of defence), and in this way he makes his contribution to the creation of more just social order. The weakest party in this case are such parties that have no chances to reach the first place, but at the same time they have interesting platforms or leaders. For this reason the gentleman rejects the first 2-3 leading political powers and votes for some between the weaker ones (eventually using one of the other methods of choice), so that even if his party will not enter the Parliament he remains with a clear conscience that he has done the right thing.

5. Algorithm of the flock

It is directly opposite to the previous method and consists in this, that is voted for those who will win the elections, according to some preliminary examination of public opinion. In this way the elector is sure that he has not wasted his vote and has made full use of his right of voting, but if he still has some doubts about the exact political power from the first three possible then he can apply also some other from the given here algorithms. This is a very good strategy for our country because it unites the population, instead of disuniting it.

6. Algorithm of the proportional choice

It consist in the following: on a cardboard circle with diameter about 25 cm are painted circular sectors with different width, but proportionally to the preliminary prognoses for the parties in the elections. These sectors may be coloured with felt pens or colour pencils, and in the middle of the circle is made a hole (preferably with some sharp tubule) and with the use of a nail inserted in this hole the circle is fixed to the door of the room. This is the electoral target, and in addition to it is needed also some small dart, but if you have not such thing you can make yourself easy one using a bigger needle and passing though its eye a long thread about half to one meter, so that the needle was able to fly straight ahead. You can exercise yourself for days with this target, but in order to have more independent choice is necessary to learn to rotate it, and when you retreat at about two meters, only then to throw the dart. In the day of elections it remains to you to do the final and decisive throw. This algorithm not only alleviates your choice, but also turns it into an interesting and pleasant activity.

7. Algorithm of the enigmatic

This algorithm is based on deciphering of the hidden meaning of some (seemingly unrelated with the elections) texts like, for example: your horoscope from the day preceding the elections in the preferred by you newspaper; some liked by you culinary recipe about something tasty; some publication on the sports page of the newspaper; interesting (or on the contrary, annoying) advertisement; 13th (or first, or last) page of the book that you read; and so on. Then you begin to read the text letter by letter, trying to get the initials of 5-6 parties between which you hesitate. These letters is hardly to expect to go exactly one after the other, and for that reason you write on a piece of paper the minimal distance between the first and the last letter of each of the parties, for which this became possible to happen. If occasionally you can not succeed to get some initials, then try in reversed order, or read every second letter only (or third, etc.). With enough perseverance and patience it is impossible not to succeed to read sometime something, what the mere fate has predestined as your choice, and in addition to this your time will pass interesting and meaningful.

Well, this is all, dear readers, choose the preferred by you method, or some combination of the given here, and go boldly to vote, without the usual torments and sufferings to whom to give your vote. And if you feel yourself capable, then why not to invent some own algorithm? Take care only that it was sufficiently easy for applying, objective and independent from your moods in the given moment, so that you will not regret later that have lifted not the right politician, not the proper political power which was necessary to be lifted. And don't forget also that if you will not lift the leaders on the high arena, there is nobody else to do this, so that: help at least those people!

April 1999

 

 

 


 

 

 


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