The Valley of the Tools Episode 3

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Rob and Dana are caught together by Dana's husband Matt, which sets off a chain of events that affects McKenzie and Kevin's relationship, Whitney and Hannah's relationship, and Rob and his
half-brother Clay's relationship after he gets released from a year in prison.

Submitted: May 12, 2018

A A A | A A A

Submitted: May 12, 2018









“Number 2: never let 'em know your next move. Don't you know Bad Boys move in silence and violence? Take it from your highness, I done squeezed mad clips at these cats for they bricks and chips”

  • Christopher Wallace


(We start with a shot of the Los Angeles skyline, as the music from R. Kelly’s “Trapped In The Closet” plays. The words “THE VALLEY OF THE TOOLS” appear emblazoned across the skyline. Then the camera backs up into a bedroom, as the music continues to play. We see Rob sprawled out on the bed, sleeping. Another Rob then peaks his head out from under the bed, and addresses the camera)


ROB: (VO, singing) Eight o’clock in the mornin’, and the rays from the sun wakes me. I shoot up, thinking maybe someone drugged me. Then, a voice calls out from the bathroom-


(Dana comes out, wearing pajamas)


DANA: (Singing) I didn’t think you’d wake up so soon.


ROB: (Singing) Dana, why are we even here? Last thing I remember is we went out for a beer?


DANA: Yes, then we came back- (Dana sits down next to Rob) and made sweet love.


ROB: Dana, I’d love to stay longer, but here’s the rub. I don’t feel comfortable staying in you and your husband’s house-


ROB: (VO) Then Dana put her slender finger to my mouth.


DANA: Baby, don’t worry, he’s still on his business trip. (Removes her finger) Trust me, if he was comin’ early, he’d surely give me a tip.


ROB: (VO) But then things then got real, as we heard a car arriving in the driveway! We both got up, Dana checked the window, and said-


DANA: Hide RIGHT away!

ROB: I knew this would happen! You should’ve listened to me!


(Dana walks over to Rob)


DANA: You can scold me later, but you need to hide right nooooow!


ROB: Why don’t I just go out the window?!


DANA: Sounds great, but we’re on the fifth floor.


ROB: Why the hell do you have five goddamn floors in this houuuuse!?


DANA: We’re very rich, now, hurry, hide, and don’t grooouse!


ROB: Where do I hide?


DANA: Under the beeed-


ROB: Why not the closet? Instead?


DANA: Because there’s a shit ton of Cleveland Show Merch in theeeere!


ROB: Shit. Fine, put me under the bed.


ROB: (VO) I hide under the bed, as Matt walks up the stairs. Dana gets on the bed, as Matt walks through the dooooor.


(Matt puts down his suitcase)


MATT: (Singing) Honey, every day, I missed you more and more.


(Dana hops in Matt’s arms)


DANA: I made some pancakes downstairs, they’re for me and you!

MATT: How’d you know I was coming?


DANA: I-I just knew.


ROB: (VO) Matt’s confused, but quickly gets turned ooooon, that’s when Dana & Matt start fucking for what seems like so long. (As Dana and Matt start fucking, we pan down to Rob hiding under the bed) And each thrust they give, it hits me on my nogon! (Dana and Matt start thrusting even harder, and faster) And they just keep goin’, and they just keep goin’, until I couldn’t take it! I said-




ROB: And at this point, Dana could no longer fake it!

(Matt stops)


MATT: What the hell was thaaaaat?


DANA: Oh, please, don’t do anything rash, Matt!

ROB: (VO) Matt gets up, and puts his dick away! And then says-


MATT: I’m gonna find who you’re hiding, if it takes me all goddamn day!

ROB: (VO) And all I’m thinking now is, please don’t check under the bed! And to my amazement, he checks behind the dresser, as if a grown-ass man could fit behind a dresser! Then he goes over and he looks to the ground! He’s just now piecing together what’s been going on with his wife! At this point, I feel it prudent to take out my switch knife! He approaches the bed! He kneels down to the bed! He reaches under the bed! And he touches my fuckin’ head!

(Rob emerges from under the bed, pointing his switch knife at Matt. We fade to black for a moment)




(Fade up, the music restarts, as Rob and Matt engage in a stand-off, with Dana watching from the bed)


ROB: Now, listen, man, I don’t want to hurt no-one, you know? But all this scandalous shit could surely end my show.


MATT: I should’ve known, all the times you stepped out, on the phone. Did you give him his show just because he was down to bone?


DANA: No, of course not!

ROB: That’s truly ridiculous!

DANA: Why would you say that?


ROB: That’s the absolute antithesis! Of what’s going on, be fair!


MATT: The fuck do you want?


ROB: I want a guarantee my show’ll be spared.


MATT: You stupid asshole, what makes you think I care? If your show survives or not, it’s neither here, nor there!


ROB: If you save the show, I won’t see Dana ever again!


ROB: (VO) But then the strangest thing happens, Matt’s phone begins to ring! He ignores the call, smiles, and says-


MATT: Here’s the thing. Dana, you’ve been treating my home like a brothel, and I’ve had enough! If I want my home to be a brothel, then I would bring handcuffs!


(Matt takes out a pair of handcuffs)


ROB: That’s kinky as fuck!

DANA: Matt, what are you trying to say?


MATT: I had someone OVER HERE yesterday! (Matt sends a text) And guess what? They’re on their way!

ROB: Is it Rupert Murdoch? Because I SWEAR I can explain!

MATT: No, Robert, this has nothing do with you, buddy!


ROB: If you don’t give me answers soon, then I’m gonna STAB somebody!

ROB: (VO) Dana puts her hand on Rob’s shoulder and says-


DANA: Are you kidding?! Don’t do that!


ROB: You’re right, I’m sorry, for a second, I went mad.


ROB: (VO) We’re all standing there, and we hear a knock at the door! And Matt says-


MATT: This is the moment you’ve all been waiting for!

ROB: (VO) We all stand there, for what seems like a while, and then Matt smiles, he opens the door, and I can’t believe, it’s Miles!


(Miles is standing there, dumbfounded, as we fade to black)




(Fade up, as the music restarts. Matt leads Miles into the room, as Rob and Dana stare at the two)


ROB: (VO) Well. Here we are, the four of us. Dumbfounded, I stare at Miles in particular.


ROB: Let me get this straight. Or, should I say “gay”.


MILES: (Singing) Fuck yourself!

ROB: (VO) And then I said-


ROB: Okay! You and Miles were sleeping together, and so were weeeee!


MILES: Yeah, that’s right, I met him through the guy from Logo TV.


ROB: I can’t believe this, this doesn’t make sense. What are the odds that we both couldn’t control our penises?


MILES: I’d say pretty high?


(Dana sits on the bed, her arms crossed)


DANA: Matt, I can’t believe you lied! Now I’m left to imagine all the guys you’ve been inside.


MATT: Oh, Dana, nice try. With all your club popping, lying, said you were shopping, and now you’re in our home, and you’re calling ME wrong?


DANA: Okay, you busted me. And that much, I agree. You caught me cheating. But this is a little extreme!


MATT: Dana, you are my wife! Sleeping behind my back! I come home, and you’ve got him under the bed, how EXTREME is that?!


(Miles walks over)


MILES: Listen, I met Matt through Chris, and one thing I know is this! I didn’t know you were married until I saw the exec list!

ROB: But you couldn’t help yourself?


MILES: Rob, go to Hell! You couldn’t help yourself either, in case you couldn’t tell!


ROB: I need to leave!

DANA: No, Rob, stay and help, please!

ROB: What the fuck do you mean?


DANA: We need marriage counseling!

ROB: Dana, I’m only licensed in one thing, and that’s trampoline construction! And even that I printed off a website after almost NO instruction!

ROB: (VO) I head toward the door, but Dana grips me on the shoulder! I turn around, and scream-


ROB: I shouldn’t have fucked so much older!

ROB: (VO) Dana gasps, and says-


DANA: How dare you!


MATT: Are you gonna fix our marriage, or what?


ROB: Quite frankly, Matt, when it comes to your marriage, I don’t give a fuck! I have one priority, and that’s to call Whitney! We need to keep this from FOX! So we can save The Box!

MILES: THE BOX IS DEAD! Can’t you fucking tell? But the love between Matt & I will last until we’re in Hell!

DANA: That’s where you’re going soon! You two fucking goons!


ROB: (VO) I stab the bedside table, and say-




ROB: (VO) So I sigh, and call Whitney’s home. And what do you know? Another woman picks up the phone.


(Fade to black)




(We fade up on Rob speeding down the highway, looking preoccupied)


ROB: (VO) Now I’m dashing home, doing eighty-five, taking up three lanes, fire in my eyes! I’m worried as hell, consumed with thoughts- (Rapid succession of shots including Rob meeting Whitney, Rob reading the article that Whitney wrote that brought his career down, Rob pointing a knife at Matt, Rob having sex with Dana, and finally, Rob pointing a knife at himself) What if Whitney’s box brings down The Box? What will the media say? If they find out today? What if it’s Whitney & McKenzie together, being gay? I’m so distracted, I’m slow to brake! (Rob slams on the brakes) And I rear-end a truck! The damage is not too bad, but I still say-


ROB: Fuck!


ROB: (VO) So, I get out, and I apologize! But guess who comes out of the truck? I can’t believe my eyes!


(Kevin comes out, wearing his pilot’s uniform and holding a cigarette in his hand)


ROB: Hey there, man, I’m really sorry- oh my god, haven’t I met you at a party?


KEVIN: (Singing) Yeah, you’re my girlfriend’s boss! I remember you! Why the hell did you not brake, my dude?


ROB: I’m sorry, bro, I’m real distracted. Stress about the show, here’s my insurance.


ROB: (VO) I hand him my insurance, and he hands me his, and then he says-


KEVIN: You use All State?


ROB: Yeah, what’s wrong with that?


KEVIN: Nothing, man. I just use State Farm.


ROB: Why are you shitting on me-?


KEVIN: I didn’t mean any harm!

ROB: (VO) So we glare at each other, and get back in our cars. I drive off, feels like I drive very far. I arrive at Whitney’s house, ready to go ballistic. I go through the front door, prepared for some bullshit! I see Whitney there, she’s straightening her hair. She asks-


WHITNEY: (Singing) What are you doing here!?


ROB: Whitney I called your number, and some other woman picked up the phoooone! We can’t afford a scandal that could potentially bring down our shoooow!


WHITNEY: Rob, don’t you remember my mom & dad are now living at my home?


ROB: Oh.


ROB: (VO) And that’s all I could say was “oh”. And as my concern went, I said-


ROB: I thought the woman sounded ignorant.


WHITNEY: You’re right, she does. But now her and my dad went to Walmart, they took a bus.


ROB: I’m sorry about the confusion, I’ve just had a crazy morning, and I feel like I’m losin’ it.


WHITNEY: It’s alright.


ROB: No, it’s not.


WHITNEY: It’s alright!

ROB: No it’s not!

WHITNEY: Rob, take a shower, you smell like shit!


ROB: (VO) I smelled myself, and said-


ROB: I haven’t even had my morning cigarette. Can I use your shower?


WHITNEY: Yeah, that’s fine.


ROB: (VO) So I took out my wallet and phone and placed them on the counter. I went to the bathroom, stripped, and got in that shower. Meanwhile, Whitney sits down to watch TV, she’s watching CNN and they’re talking about Bill Cosby! The newscaster says-


NEWSCASTER: Raping people was his hobby! And now he’s going away, for at most ten years, right now he’s eighty years old, so his heart will probably fold.


ROB: (VO) And then Hannah comes in, she walks into the kitchen, takes a Fresca out the fridge, opens it up and sighs, asks Whitney-


HANNAH: (Singing) Why is Rob’s ride outside?


WHITNEY: He showed up, he’s taking a shower. It’s a long story, he should be gone within an hour!


ROB: (VO) But then I realize, as I’m being sprayed with water, that my phone is on the counter, Dana could text real soon, and then I’d be good as chowder. So I quickly turn off the water, and I exit the shower, but then I slip on the floor, go down like a ton of bricks! And then I say to myself-


ROB: Holy shit!

ROB: (VO) But meanwhile, in the living room, guess who texts me, who?! It’s Dana, she says “Please hear me out, boo! Matt might go to the press! Unless you make a deal with him, what happens is anyone’s guess!”


ROB: (VO) I limp outside! Wearing a towel! But it’s too late! Whitney’s face looks foul! She stares at me, holds up my phone for all to see!




(Fade to black)




(Fade up on Rob, Whitney and Hannah in a stand-off in Whitney’s living room)


ROB: Whitney, I can explain-


WHITNEY: Bitch, I tarnished your name! I gave you a second chance, and this is what you made of it?!


ROB: How’d you not know we slept together!? (Robt takes out his knife) Let’s cut the bullshit!


HANNAH: Are you threatening us!?


ROB: No, I just did it for the pun.


ROB: (VO) I put the knife back in my pocket, and suddenly I felt very dumb.


ROB: Listen, I’m sorry! I can’t control my D! I thought it was a one-time thing, but I can’t control my ding-a-ling!


WHITNEY: Matt is going to the press, so we’re just done, I guess!


ROB: No way, no how! I caught him playing foul! He revealed to us that he had a gay affair! Guess who it was with?


HANNAH: Thomas Middleditch?!


ROB: No, but that’s a great guess right there! It was with Miles, our venerated director!


WHITNEY: Of fucking course, he couldn’t resist his nectar.


ROB: I could hold that over him, threaten to ruin him, if he comes out with our affair, then we’d both despair.


WHITNEY: That sounds like a plan. Go ahead and text that to him.


ROB: (VO) So I got on my phone, and I texted him the ultimatum. Matt quickly texts back, offering a meeting! I say-


ROB: He wants to meet in an hour or two, and I think he’d want you there, too.


WHITNEY: Oh, shit, I forgot that I had a hair appointment! It’s supposed to be right about now, but I lost track of time because of your bullshit!

HANNAH: Oh, right, that hair appointment!


ROB: (VO) Suddenly, Hannah looks panicked.


WHITNEY: What’s wrong, Hannah?


HANNAH: Nothing, I just forgot something.


ROB: (VO) We hear a knock at the door. Whitney says-


WHITNEY: What’s going on?


HANNAH: I swear, I don’t knoooow!

ROB: I swear I’m gonna kill whoever’s behind this door!


WHITNEY: The fuck? No, you’re not!

ROB: You’re right, I keep over-reacting a lot.


ROB: (VO) The knock comes again! Whitney says-




VOICE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR: (Singing) Who the fuck talks like this!? Hannah and I just made an appointment!!


ROB: Wait, I recognize that voice!


ROB: (VO) Who it is, you’ll find out very soon! As I reached for the doorknob, Hannah’s heart continues to throb! And we’ll find out very soon! What Hannah’s hiding from her sun & moon! We open the door! And guess who’s standing there it’s June!


(We see June standing at the door, holding a binder reading “Acting Career Starter Kit” and a purse. Rob and Whitney look shocked, as Hannah holds her head in her hands. Fade to black)




(Fade up. Rob, Hannah and Whitney are starting at June as she stands in the doorway)


WHITNEY: What the hell is this? Why are you keeping this a secret from me? Are you with Rob’s publicist?


HANNAH: Hell no! She’s just providing me assistance.


ROB: With what?


HANNAH: I’m trying to get into acting again! But you’re so against it, Whitney, I was afraid you’d bring it to an end!

WHITNEY: Honey, I want, whatever you want, if you want to be an actress, you didn’t have to hire this cunt.


JUNE: (Singing) Wow, that’s really harsh!

ROB: What’d she do to deserve that?


WHITNEY: She’s your publicist, so I don’t trust this bitch.


JUNE: Fair enough.


WHITNEY: I can get you on the show, you don’t have to just be a writer, you know? I want what makes you happy.


JUNE: Well, I guess, I should go now.


ROB: (VO) June tries to leave, but I grab her by the shoulder.


ROB: June, don’t go! We have a PR crisis! I need you right here, to get your advice, sis!

ROB: (VO) June looks at me. Says-


JUNE: I need to put away my purse! Then I’ll help you lift this curse!

ROB: (VO) June then walks away, but her purse strap gets caught on the door hinge! That’s when she starts to cringe! Turns around, says-




ROB: (VO) Her purse drops to the ground, what tumbles is out, is a fucking dildo!


(Whitney, Hannah, and Rob stand there, shocked, as June sits down on the floor, and cradles her own face. Fade to black)




(Fade up on Whitney, Hannah, Rob and June staring at the dildo. June puts the dildo in her purse, quickly)





JUNE: That’s no bullshit, this was my fault! I’m sorry Hannah, but can we lock this in a vault?


WHITNEY: You were planning on anally penetrating my girlfriend!? The fuck am I supposed to forget that? Your delusions know no end!


JUNE: I should go now.


WHITNEY: Rob, please fire her!

ROB: I will not, Whitney, we need her now more than ever!

ROB: (VO) Whitney scoffs. Hannah lies down. June and I leave, and we drive to my part of town. We enter my house, and we sit down and grouse, about all the shit, that lately we’ve been around. We lay out a plan of attack, some way to figure things out. I finally light my first cigarette of the day! After an hour or two, something gets in the way. I hear a knock at the door. I say-


ROB: Oh, hell no! I am so tired of strangers coming to my do’.


ROB: (VO) But I get up, I slowly open the door, it’s my half-brother Clay, he got out of prison today. He says-


CLAY: (Singing) What up?


ROB: (VO) I say-


ROB: Hey!


CLAY: I just got out. And I’m gonna live a brand new life! Not gonna do drugs no more, or stab nobody with no knife!

JUNE: Are you gonna learn proper English?


ROB: Clay, this is my publicist June.


ROB: (VO) Clay glares at her as he closes the door, and says-


CLAY: Good afternoon. Now listen, Rob, I need a place to stay so I can get back on my feet!


ROB: Fine, you can stay here a while, I’ll fix you something to eat.


ROB: (VO) So then I go into the kitchen, then I realize, there’s something I’m forgettin’!


ROB: Oh, shit, I’m late for my meeting with Matt!


ROB: (VO) Clay turns around, and asks-


CLAY: Who the hell is that?


ROB: (VO) Then, meanwhile, outside, Matt pulls up in his truck. He steps out of that bitch, looking angry as fuck. Meanwhile, back inside, Rob and Clay are goofing around! Clay asks-


CLAY: Can I try on your hat?


(Narrator Rob, in a pristine white suit, positions himself between Rob and Clay, while smoking a cigar)


ROB: Without of a hint of a frown, he’s finally beginning to put his guard down.


(Narrator Rob disappears)


ROB: Go ahead, my man, I know for the Lakers, you’re the biggest fan.


ROB: (VO) Rob hands him the Lakers hat, and he puts it on his head-


CLAY: Kiddin’ me, man? Wouldn’t be caught in this dead! You know I prefer the Celtics instead!


ROB: (VO) They start laughin’ and slappin’ backs, while just outside, Matt approaches, on the attack. As Clay tries on Rob’s jacket, he reaches his trembling hand towards the door! And Clay has no EARTHLY idea what is in stoooore! And he opens the door, he busts open the door, and takes out a gun, and shoots Clay to the floor! Floor!


(Narrator Rob walks out as Clay languishes on the floor, and Rob and June look on in horror)


ROB: Matt thought Clay was meeeeeeee!


(Fade to black)




(Fade up, Rob grabs Matt’s collar)


ROB: (VO) I grab his collar, as his gun tumbles to the ground! And I say-


ROB: What the FUCK do you think you’re doing coming around?!


MATT: I’m sorry, man, he was wearing your hat and your coat! I lost control, can I maybe just say it was a joke?!


JUNE: Joke my ass! I’m leaving this place before y’all break any more glass!




ROB: (VO) Then Clay got up, with a slight wound on his neck!


CLAY: I can deal wit’ this, just let me use the bathroom for a sec.


ROB: (VO) So he went to the bathroom, bandaged himself up, it was amazing! June said-


JUNE: I’m leaving! You motherfuckers are crazy!


ROB (VO) June leaves, and I turn to Matt. I grab him by his collar and say-


ROB: If you don’t leave, I’m gonna kill you like THAT!


ROB: (VO) He looks nervous as hell as he replies-


MATT: I’m sorry for doing this, man, I lost my head. I hope we can still meet later and resolve this peacefully instead.


ROB: We’ll talk about that later! Just get the hell out of here!

ROB: (VO) Matt leaves, and Clay wants to get something clear.


CLAY: What is going on? Why’d that man want me killed?


ROB: He didn’t want you killed, he wanted me. Luckily, he’s not a very good shot, as you can see.


ROB: (VO) Then meanwhile, at Whitney’s home, she’s hopin’ to solve a brewing problem by hitting up McKenzie Park on the phone! (Whitney is in her home office, on her cell phone. Cut to McKenzie smoking a cigarette in her kitchen) McKenzie answers, and promptly says-


MCKENZIE: (Singing) Hello?


WHITNEY: Hello, McKenzie, how the hell you been, girl?




WHITNEY: I’ve had to deal with problems, mostly to do with men, girl-




WHITNEY: But also Hannah wants to be on the show, do you think you could share the spotlight?


MCKENZIE: Hannah wants to be an actress? Yeah, that sounds fine. Honestly, Whitney, I have bigger problems than that at this time.


ROB: (VO) Whitney said-


WHITNEY: What do you mean?


MCKENZIE: Nothing!


ROB: (VO) McKenzie hung up the phone, and poured a herself a glass of Jim Beam! She said-


MCKENZIE: Hair of the dog!

ROB: (VO) And gave it a great big gulp! She toked on her cigarette, and then heard a car pulling up out front!  (Cut to outside, Kevin is getting out of his truck) Kevin is walking up to the front door, with a bad feeling in his gut. He opens the door, and McKenzie runs up all nervous and says-


MCKENZIE: You’re home awfully early, huh?


KEVIN: Yeah, I can explain. In the cabin, there was some pain. Kanye West was screaming “pizza gate” and we had to ground the flight at John Wayne.


MCKENZIE: Well, I made some pears, and I put that shit upstairs, you should go eat those pears, because they could go bad at any moment.


KEVIN: Wait a moment. Why are you acting strange?


MCKENZIE: I’m not, but we should go upstairs and play some games! How’s Gatan sound? Or we could smoke on the roof? We could go into the attic, and hang out for a minute or two!

ROB: (VO) Kevin looks at McKenzie like she’s lost her mind, he walks into the kitchen, McKenzie is afraid of what he might find. (Cut to narrator Rob in the pantry, smoking a cigar while watching this unfold) He looks into the fridge and says-


KEVIN: Why are you shakin’ and worrying? And pick up that cigarette- (He gestures to the cigarette perched on the counter) I don’t want this house burnin’.


MCKENZIE: Why don’t we open the window? And let a nice breeze in? And then go upstairs and have sex? Instead of here, with the smoke, chokin’ and wheezin’?


ROB: (VO) Kevin’s getting pissed off now, and starts closing in!


KEVIN: McKenzie Leandra Park, give me one goddamn reason! Why you keep trying to get me to go the hell upstairs?! I know something’s up, and I’m gonna find this man’s underwear!


ROB: (VO) McKenzie starts crying, as Kevin checks under the sink, and failing that, he walks over to the closet, and peeks. He sees nothing, but then he sees something that messes with his head. He walks over, he sees a half-empty barrel of peanuts, chocolate and bread. Now this shit is really starting to cross the line! Rob feels the barrel, and realizes, McKenzie is allergic to pine! He looks over and sees the fridge is jutting out from the wall! McKenzie stands in front of the fridge, as Kevin approaches, ready to brawl. He says-


KEVIN: Move.




KEVIN: Move!



ROB: (VO) SHE MOVES! And then, he approaches the fridge, now he’s moving the fridge, he’s looking behind the fridge- (Narrator Rob pops out of the pantry with a cigar in hand, and faces the camera, as the action pauses) now, pause the movie, because what I’m about to say to y’all, is so damn worrisome, not only is there a man behind the fridge, but that man, is a little person!


(“Person” echoes as, Rob returns to the pantry, and a well-dressed, black little person emerges from behind the fridge. Fade to black)




(Fade up)


ROB: (VO) The little person dashes past Kevin, headed for the doggy door, Kevin yells-


KEVIN: Freeze!


ROB: (VO) And grabs him, and sits his ass on the floor! McKenzie cries-




KEVIN: The fuck you mean?!


LITTLE PERSON: Dude, you’re not a cop!


MCKENZIE: Yeah, why’d you say “freeze”?!


KEVIN: McKenzie, the fuck did you meet this slob?!


MCKENZIE: I’m sorry, Kevin, I met him last night at a club, I was getting drunk with my friends, and I made this enormous flub!

KEVIN: I wouldn’t say enormous-


LITTLE PERSON: Oh, fuck you, dude!


KEVIN: What the fuck is your name!?


LITTLE PERSON: it’s Carter, and I can explain!


ROB: (VO) As Carter explained, Whitney called back, and McKenzie pocket-answered the phone, Kevin took out a taser, McKenzie screamed, and Whitney wondered what the hell was going on! Meanwhile, Kevin pointed the taser at the little person’s neck! And he said-


KEVIN: Motherfucker, I DEMAND RESPECT! You can’t just come up in here and home-wreck!

CARTER: I didn’t know your girl had a boyfriend, I swear to you, my dude! Now please put that taser away, I don’t mean to be rude!

KEVIN: Well, you WERE rude when you put your tiny penis in my girlfriend!


CARTER: Hey, man, I’m a midget, but that doesn’t mean you have to offend, I’m actually quite well-endowed, and she can attest to that!


ROB: (VO) Kevin slaps him across the face, and McKenzie says-


MCKENZIE: Come on, dude, you deserved that.








CARTER: That’s actually quite a long time-


ROB: (VO) Kevin brandishes his taser! And points it, and says-





ROB: (VO) Then, suddenly, Rob and Clay bust in, Clay holding a gun, and says-


ROB: You put the taser down!


(They all look shocked. Fade to black)




(Fade up on Rob standing behind Clay, as he points his weapon at Kevin, McKenzie, and Carter)


ROB: (VO) So, they’re all in a standoff, tension is running high, McKenzie thinking about last night’s handjob, and Clay notices a dog running by. He says-


CLAY: That shit can’t distract me!


KEVIN: Step back, G! What the fuck is going on with you two?


ROB: I’m sorry, he just got loose! Clay, don’t hurt anybody, you just got out of jail, we can resolve this peacefully, like with the Iran Deal.


CLAY: Well, then call me Trump! Because I don’t trust these hoes!

MCKENZIE: Misogynistic!


KEVIN: I have to agree with that, though. Look, you have nothing to do with what’s going on-


MCKENZIE: How do you even know about it!?


ROB: Whitney heard it all on the phone, and told me to show up about it. If scandals like this come out, The Box is over! So we need to talk this shit over!


ROB: (VO) Then I look over, and I noticed the midget version of Donald Glover, and I say-


ROB: Hey man, don’t I know ya?


CARTER: Me? I don’t know, maybe we met a long time ago. You might know me, or maybe you don’t.


KEVIN: How could you forget that guy?




ROB: Kevin, you can’t hurt him, you’ve got to let him go, you’re in a rage right now, but trust me, you’ll ruin the show.


KEVIN: I don’t give a FUCK about the show!

MCKENZIE: That’s my CAREER, you know! If you love me, you’ll leave him unharmed!

KEVIN: I do love you! But I DEMAND to know what’s going on!

ROB: (VO) Then, something insane happens, something you won’t believe, Carter takes a few dinner mints out his sleeve! He says-


CARTER: Sorry, I have low blood sugar! I need something in my system!

ROB: (VO) Then I realized something, I can’t believe I missed him!

ROB: That’s where I know you from, I recognize those mints! You’re the guy who owns Lothario’s, up on 86th!


KEVIN: What the hell is that!?


MCKENZIE: It’s the restaurant where Luther works.


CLAY: Rob, let me KILL all these fuckin’ jerks!

ROB: No! You psychopath! Put that gun down!

ROB: (VO) Rob forcibly lowers Clay’s gun, and he stands there with a frown!

CARTER: Yeah, I’m Luther’s boss, who the hell cares?


ROB: Carter’s one more loose end, imagine what the news will blare! There’s a “The Box” sex ring, and Rob is still a player!







ROB: (To Carter) CAN’T YOU SEE?! Your selfish actions here may have ruined all our lives!


CARTER: Like you haven’t slept with people’s wives!

ROB: What do you mean?


CARTER: Bitch, I know you slept with McKenzie in ’17!


(Kevin, McKenzie, Clay and Rob look shocked. Kevin looks at Rob, with angry eyes, as we fade to black)




(Fade up. We open on Dana pacing around her house, frantically)


ROB: (VO) Meanwhile, over at Dana’s place, her head is so frayed with nervousness, that she’s starting to pace…Whitney walks up to the door, and gives it a firm knock. Dana runs to the door, and looks through the peephole, nervous as fuck. She sees it’s just Whitney, she gulps, and opens the door. She says-


DANA: Can I help you, Whitney?


WHITNEY: Do you know why I’m here?


ROB: (VO) She walks into Dana’s house, Dana closes the door, and says-


DANA: I know, I fear.


WHITNEY: So, I guess Matt knows.


DANA: Did he tell you, though?


WHITNEY: No, of course not, Dana, him and I aren’t bros.


DANA: I’m sorry, I’m just very paranoid-


ROB: (VO) Dana sits on the couch, and says-


DANA: A scandal is what I’d like to avoid.


WHITNEY: Can The Box be saved?


DANA: Can MY box be saved?


ROB: (VO) Whitney laughs, and says-


WHITNEY: Good point, girl, but there’s one thing I have to say. You need to stop seeing Rob at once! If you don’t do that, Dana, then the show could be ended by this dunce!


DANA: I don’t know if I can do that-


WHITNEY: You can have until the end of the month! But on May 1st, this shit needs to be severed! If my career goes down over this, I will distrust you forever!

DANA: Well, that wouldn’t matter because we wouldn’t work with each other-


WHITNEY: Oh, you think you’re clever?


DANA: I can’t leave Rob right now, okay!? It’s not that simple, you see, now will you please get out of my way!?


WHITNEY: Dana, you can’t do this, use your head!


ROB: (VO) Then Whitney looked over, and noticed a barrel of peanuts, chocolate and bread!


DANA: Leave me alone.


WHITNEY: Can I use your bathroom?


DANA: Fine, it’s in the next room.


ROB: (VO) So, Whitney gets up, and walks into the bathroom, and she closes the door, and she feels a sense of gloom. She sits right on that can, and then she notices something in the trash can! Something that she can’t understand! She reaches into the trash can, gets some gross, sticky shit on her hand, but reaches further into the trash can, and what does she pull out with her hand? She tries to read it, she tries her best, she can’t believe, it’s a positive pregnancy test!

(Whitney looks shocked, as we fade to black. We fade up as Whitney enters Dana’s living room, as she sulks on the couch)




ROB: (VO) Whitney enters, as Dana sulks on the couch, Whitney says-


WHITNEY: I finally know what this is all about. You and Rob have made a little Rob-ling.


ROB: (VO) Dana shoots up, and points her finger and shouts-


DANA: Either stop being a bitch or you need to get out!


WHITNEY: What are you gonna do about it?


DANA: You mean Rob & I’s child?




DANA: There’s no way I’m gonna let another Rob in the wild.


WHITNEY: The world certainly doesn’t need that.


DANA: Yeah, and my plan in fact, is to head down to My Choice Medical, and get this baby whacked.


WHITNEY: Oh my God, the way you said that was so crass!

DANA: Sure, when I say it, but when Michelle Wolf does, everybody laughs!

WHITNEY: A lot of people didn’t-


DANA: That’s because they’re pussies!

WHITNEY: I guess…but listen, your loyalty has been put to the test. I think you have a lot of reasons not to end The Box, now that secrets upon secrets could take down your role at FOX.


ROB: (VO) Then Whitney starts to leave, and Dana sits down, she rubs her arm, and she wears a frown. Meanwhile, Rob is driving Clay in his car! Rob is smoking a cigarette, and says-


ROB: Man, I need this, my friend, that motherfucker Kevin nearly kicked my ass!

CLAY: Dude, you slept with his chick a week after they met each other in class!

ROB: They weren’t official yet!

CLAY: But you got her wet! He’s gonna imagine that every time she’s in his bed!

ROB: Do you think they’ll stay together?


CLAY: Not forever. She’s hot as hell, but her lying smile doesn’t sell.


ROB: Oh, and what about yours?


CLAY: Man, what you mean, my cuz?


ROB: You can’t be pointin’ guns, you’re gonna attract the fuzz! You just got out, you can’t go back again!


CLAY: I would never have been in the pen, if it wasn’t for the two of them!

ROB: Who do you mean?


CLAY: Alec and Tara ratted on me! Ryan’s dumbass friends, back in 2017!


ROB: Ryan has a lot of dumbass friends, you’re gonna have to be more specific!


CLAY: I don’t remember their last names, but I know they moved to the Pacific, they could be anywhere in this city, those fucking limp dicks.


ROB: (VO) Then, they arrived at the diner, where they were to meet Miles & Matt! I got out of the car, and said-


ROB: I’ll be right back. You just stay right here, and I’ll call you if I need you.


CLAY: Alright, man, I got you. Buy me a pie, would you?


ROB: No.


ROB: (VO) Rob walks towards the diner, and he walks through the door, he looks around the diner, and sees who he’s looking for. It’s Matt and it’s Miles, sitting in a booth, he walks over and says-


ROB: I demand to hear the truth.


ROB: (VO) He tokes on his cigarette, as a woman walks over- (The woman is Tara Conner, wearing a waitress uniform) and says-


TARA: (Singing) Sorry, no smoking indoors, my friends.


ROB: But I need to look intimidating!

TARA: Sorry, sir, I have other tables to be waiting.


ROB: (VO) Rob puts out the cigarette in a huff, as the waitress takes out her pad, and says-


TARA: What can I get for you?


ROB: I’ll have a coffee, with Bailey’s.


MATT: I’ll have a Mai Thai, and-


MILES: So will I.


ROB: You guys are going full throttle gay, huh?


TARA: Will that be all for ya?


ROB: Yes.


ROB: (VO) Matt and Miles nod, and the waitress walks away, Rob says-


ROB: My God, I didn’t know you were gay.


MILES: Me? Or him?


ROB: Obviously Matt, my God, you’re dim.


MATT: I still love my wife, I’m just confused right now, why do you think I shot your brother with that “pow, pow, POW”?


ROB: Don’t do onomatopoeia, you fucking prick! Just agree to stay silent, and I’ll never see Dana again.


MILES: But we’re in LOVE!

ROB: Bitch, love is dead! And for that matter, you two should never again sleep in the same bed!

MATT: This is blackmail!

ROB: Well, you have it on me too! It’s M.A.D, so let’s respect that, my dude!

ROB: (VO) Then the waitress comes back over, their drinks in her hands, she puts them down, and says-


TARA: Anything else I can get for you, my friends?


ROB: (VO) I look at Tara, think she look familiar, so I ask her-


ROB: Is there somewhere where I know ya?


TARA: I don’t think so, I just moved to California.


ROB: Hmm. Okay, you can go now.


ROB: (VO) Tara squints, with an annoyed brow. I turn back to Matt and Miles, and say-


(Tara walks away)


ROB: Miles, if you want to keep your job, you’ll leave him now.


MILES: Okay.


MATT: Are you crazy?


MILES: Money is important to me! More important than a gay fling!

ROB: (VO) Matt starts tearing up, and says-


MATT: Well, if that’s how you feel, then I suppose I agree.


ROB: (VO) Meanwhile, Clay’s on the phone in the car, gathering intel from one of his friends from behind bars.


CLAY: Do you know where that bitch Tara works? And her fucking boyfriend jerk?


(Cut to a big looking dude on a prison phone)


INSIDE MAN: (Singing) Yeah, man, I did the math, sucked a guard’s dick for some info and a half-


CLAY: What?


INSIDE MAN: I got you what you need, they work at this place on Culver called Ronnie’s!


ROB: (VO) Clay looked at the diner sign! It glowed “RONNIE’S” bright! He said-


CLAY: Oh, shit that’s right! That’s where I AM tonight!

ROB: (VO) Then cut to inside! Tara sets the check down! I ask-


ROB: Why do you think I’m paying for them?


TARA: I’m sorry, I’ll take the check back down-


ROB: (VO) Then before she can blink, Rob starts to think, and there’s something he becomes aware of, he says-


ROB: I remember where I know you from! (Tara freezes, and Rob points at her nametag) You’re TARA!


TARA: Okay? Who the hell are you!?


ROB: I’m Rob Altmire, and I have some questions- (Rob stands up) for you!

ROB: (VO) Tara screams, and yells-




ROB: (VO) As everyone in the diner heads for the doors! (Cut to a shot of narrator Rob spinning around on a bar stool with a cigar in his mouth, looking surprised) Matt and Miles follow suit, saying-




ROB: (VO) Then Alec comes out of the back, he sees something he can’t believe. Rob Altmire confronting his girlfriend! He walks over to them with his apron on and says-


ALEC: (Singing) Back off, friend!

ROB: I just want to talk!


TARA: Asshole, we’re talking!


ROB: Do you guys know Ryan?!


ALEC: Donahue? Yes, we met him at SUNY classes!


ROB: (VO) Then, Clay runs in and says-


CLAY: I’ll kill all THREE of you knucklehead asses!

(They all look shocked to see him, as he puts his jacket down. Fade to black)




(Fade up on Rob, Clay, Tara, and Alec in their standoff in Ronnie’s)


ROB: (VO) As Clay stands there threateningly, Rob says-


ROB: Wait, why did you say “all three”?


CLAY: What you mean?


ROB: You said you’d kill “all three”, and that includes me!


CLAY: I don’t think I did.


ALEC: Dude, you definitely did.


CLAY: Shut the hell up, kid!


ROB: Okay, let’s get down to business!


CLAY: Here’s the business, you two fuckers landed me in prison!

TARA: Dude, won’t you listen!? You landed YOURSELF in prison!

CLAY: I’ll KILL you, bitch!

ROB: Clay, you’re not killing anyone! Now, tell me what happened before Clay’s rage boner cums.




CLAY: Fuck that, man, let me kill these bitches!

ROB: You psycho motherfucker, let me talk to you.


ROB: (VO) I take Clay to the side, and say-


ROB: Have you lost your mind? Because I don’t know how long I can protect you. If you keep threatening our nephew’s friends, I’ll have no choice but to deck you.


CLAY: Fine, man, I just want to ask them some questions.


ROB: Clay, you just did a year. If you kill these two, you’ll be doing 25 to life, living in a constant state of fear. Waiting for the next Neo-Nazi to stuff his tattooed dick up your asshole, so if I were you, I’d stop making this such a fucking hassle!


CLAY: Alright, man, fine.


ROB: (VO) Clay and I walk over, and Rob takes out a cigarette, lights it, blows smoke, and says-


ROB: My, oh, my. Miss, uh-?


TARA: Conner.


ALEC: Washburn.


ROB: Ms. Conner, and Mr. Washburn, if you please, regale us with the story of how you and Clay came to meet.


TARA: Way back in January 2017, I was with- (Flashback to January 12, 2017. Alec, Tara, Michael, Ryan and Oleander in Alec and Tara’s apartment. They have cleared out space for their instruments, Alec is behind the drumset, Ryan is at the lead vocals, Tara & Oleander are holding guitars, and Michael has bass) my band at SUNY, we were in my apartment, practicing for the Battle of the Bands later that month, when all of a sudden, at the door, we heard a knock. I put down my guitar, went to the door, looked through the peephole, and saw a man, he was drunker than a skunk as evidenced by the canned wine in his hand!


(Cut back to 2018 Rob)

ROB: Canned wine?


TARA: That’s right.


ROB: (VO) Clay shrugs, and says-


CLAY: That shit’s good.


(Cut back to 2017)


TARA: (VO) So, I said-


TARA: Who is it?


CLAY: Ryan, it’s me! It’s your favorite uncle Clay, remember, we met when you were three!


TARA: (VO) I looked back at Ryan, and he said-


RYAN: (Singing) What the hell are you doing here?!


CLAY: I need some money, and-


RYAN: No, I figured that, but how the hell did you get this address?


CLAY: Kim told me you lived at University Inn, so I went there, and Blaine told me looking here was best!


TARA: (VO) We all shook our heads, and Ryan said-


RYAN: If you’re asking me for money, you must be desperate. I’m sorry, Clay, but I have nothing to offer you, so keep on questin’.


TARA: (VO) But Clay got really agitated, and wouldn’t leave us alone, banging on the door, threatening to pull out his chrome. At that point, Alec and I decided to call the police on the phone, even though Ryan told us to just leave it alone! The police came, and they put Clay in handcuffs, and found a gram of a controlled substance in the pocket of his jam-jams!


(Cut back 2017)


ROB: What was the substance?


CLAY: Man it was some cocaine, less than 500 miligrams, so they threw me in jail for one year on a rainy April day.


ROB: (VO) I put out my cigarette, and put my head against the wall. I look over at Clay and say-


ROB: That’s not their damn fault!

ROB: (VO) Then Clay loses his temper, and I’m forced to whip out my knife! And I say-


ROB: They didn’t do anything wrong, and we’re going to stay out of these people’s lives!


(Cut to Whitney at her computer in her house)

ROB: (VO) Meanwhile, Whitney is trying desperately to get in touch with me! She goes onto my Facebook, and sees that I’ve checked in at Ronnie’s! Upon further thought, that probably wasn’t a great idea! But regardless, she drives over with the greatest speed! She bursts through the door, just as Clay and I are about to trade blows! She comes in, we freeze! We look over at her, and she says-


WHITNEY: Rob, Dana’s pregnant with your baby!!!


(Rob’s jaw drops, and he sits down, as Clay puts his fists down, and looks confused. Alec and Tara shake their heads, and roll their eyes, as we fade to black)




(We fade up on Rob, Clay, Alec, Tara and Whitney in Ronnie’s diner)


ROB: (VO) I’m just sitting there, in disbelief. I look up at Whitney and ask-


ROB: Do Matt and Miles know?




ROB: (VO) And I’m relieved. I stand up, and point to Clay.


ROB: Whitney, do me a favor and drive him home, and don’t let him leave, okay?


CLAY: But I wanna go to the clubs tonight!

ROB: Not if you wanna live in my house!


CLAY: This is some bullshit!

ROB: Now, don’t you grouse! Or you won’t get dessert tomorrow night, after dinner!


WHITNEY: Let’s go.


CLAY: Rob, don’t forget, I’m a natural born sinner.


ROB: (VO) Whitney and Clay leave, Rob turns to Alec and Tara and says-


ROB: I can guarantee your safety. Sorry again for my dumbass half-brother, he’s the worst.


ALEC: I’ve seen you on TV before, you’re kind of obnoxious, but you seem okay at first.


ROB: …You’re welcome?


ROB: (VO) And then I leave. I call Dana up, and ask for a neutral location for us to meet. We meet at Lothario’s, and get a table, and the place is busy as hell. I say-


ROB: Can I feel your stomach?


DANA: Dude, you need to chill!

ROB: I’m sorry, I don’t how to act. I never wanted to have a baby, and I’m nervous, as a matter of fact.


DANA: Rob, I can’t keep it. I have a husband and a family. I know this is LA, but I can’t afford to have two or three.


ROB: There’s no reason to have a third, but I want to know one thing. I need to know that this is really what you want to do, and that you’re not bluffing.


DANA: It’s my decision, and my decision alone. It’s four weeks along, and this isn’t Iowa, so we’re gold.


ROB: Okay, I can pay for it, you don’t even have to ask.


DANA: I wasn’t planning on it, I have money leftover from my kid’s college fund for this task.


ROB: Are you kidding? What discount clinic are you using?


DANA: I’m going to My Choice Medical on Pico, and I find it amusing, that you think a high-powered FOX executive has to use a back alley!

ROB: I’m not saying that, I just want to help you! I did this to you, so I feel like I owe you!


DANA: Trust me, it’s best you stay away, and you know it. Christ’s sake, if I wanted that much attention for my abortion, I’d have it paid for by Michael Cohen.


ROB: Fair enough.


DANA: I also think it’s best, if we don’t see each other again, since we’ve been blessed, to deflect media attention, away from our romance. We shouldn’t try our luck any more than we already have, man.


ROB: Are you serious?


DANA: Yes.


ROB: (VO) My heart broke into pieces. I said-


ROB: So that’s it?


DANA: I’m afraid so. It was fun while it lasted.


ROB: (VO) I sit there, in a state of melancholy. I had told Matt the same thing, but even I didn’t believe me. Then Luther came over, in his waiter’s outfit. He said-


LUTHER: Rob! How are you?


ROB: Oh shit. I forgot, Lothario’s is where you work.


LUTHER: Yes, indeed. It’s cool, actually, McKenzie and my boss are at table three!


(Pan over to McKenzie and Carter sitting at a nearby table)


ROB: (VO) I look over, and there they are. It looks like they’re breaking up, or at least I hope they are.


ROB: I wonder what they’re talking about over there.


LUTHER: I assume she’s applying for a job?


ROB: She has a job! Ugh, they’re a disgusting pair.


LUTHER: Well, a’ight then, can I get you guys something to drink?


ROB: I’m not hungry anymore, I think.


ROB: (VO) I stand up, slip Luther a hundred-dollar bill, look him in the eyes and say-


ROB: I was never here.


ROB: (VO) I walk away, and Dana says-


DANA: Yeah, I’ll have a beer. Wait, never mind, I should probably wait on that.


ROB: (VO) I walk over to McKenzie and Carter’s table, and I say-


ROB: Well, if it isn’t Cane and Abel.


CARTER: Have you ever read that story?


ROB: You two better be breaking up before me.


MCKENZIE: Actually-


ROB: (VO) Then, Kevin comes over! He sits down on the chair! And I say-


ROB: Oh. Wait, what’s happening here?


MCKENZIE: We’re planning a three-way. And if it’s okay-


ROB: If it’s okay, what?!

KEVIN: We wanted you involved, perhaps this Tuesday?


(Rob grows a smile, and bows his head. We zoom out, and fade to black)



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