The Tour du Turnip

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

This is a little news article from the future about a strange tradition in future France.

Submitted: May 13, 2018

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Submitted: May 13, 2018



Tour du Turnip


Spring means many things. The return of the birds and the blossoming of the flowers. The end of winter and its cold, snow, and ice. Longer hours of sunlight during the days. Packing away our winter clothes and getting out our warm weather gear. There are also countless local festivals and traditions practiced all over the world.

However, the towns of Marsalous and Bruele in the beautiful, rural interior of France are home to one of the world’s most unique springtime traditions. This tradition is, in part, a quirk of autogenous, spontaneous cloning; an early and outlawed technique for cloning in which a sample of a person’s DNA was transferred into a turnip. This would result in a genetically identical clone of the subject that was a nearly perfect copy, except for a slight turnippiness. One of the turnippy qualities was that the clone would develop into adulthood quickly but also “rot” in roughly about a year. The other notable quality of this type of cloning was that shortly before this expiration the clone would drop a “potato,” or a piece of its body, that would grow into the next clone.

  You might be wondering what the connection between the two towns of Marsalous and Bruele and A.S.C. (autogenous, spontaneous cloning) is supposed to be. To explain this, you have to know a little bit about Lance Armstrong, who was an athlete that was famous for his legitimate athletic accomplishments as well as his penchant for cheating. He had reached an age where he soon could no longer participate in his favorite sport, the Tour du France. This was a large bicycle race that took part across France. This was before they annexed Belgium, the Netherlands, and several other countries you’ve probably never heard of. The official story is that Lance knew he would have to stop participating in this sport because of his age. He thought that if he cloned himself, his clone could participate in the Tour du France. Long story short, this is why there are still clones of Lance Armstrong that practice for an event that no longer exists.

  Every year the current, fully grown clone will expire somewhere between Marsalous and Bruele sometime between early March and late April. During this time the residents of each town participate in a contest to be the first to find the expired clone. It is considered a point of pride as well as good luck to be the one to find the Lance corpse. This good luck is thought to confer blessings on the one who finds the corpse, as well as their municipality. This is known as the “Tour du Turnip.”

  Emil Ghulspect, the former mayor of Bruele, met us at a small café in the hill district of the city. The hill district is a quaint neighborhood that seems right out of the 2040’s. There are only two skyscrapers in the whole of the district. The café is adorned with old-school advertisements for the Tour du France and iconography of Lance, as well as turnips.

  Emil claims that, “The tour is very important around here. Everything, including the schools, makes everything about the tour.” 

  One of the strangest things to an outsider is the fact that, while everything else has become very much about turnips, you cannot find any restaurant that serves a single dish that contains even a speck of turnip.

  Emil explained that, “Because of the type of clone medium used, turnips are considered to be sacred and nearly holy here.”

  “This actually almost ruined the economy of Bruele, which was previously based on growing the world’s most delicious turnips,” said Michele Trebache, a local historian who lives in his mother’s cellar and certainly smells like you are imagining him to smell. He added that, “The idea of growing turnips to be consumed became sacrilege. However, farmers still grow turnips but will not sell them for fear they’d become someone’s dinner.”

  One point of contention between the two rival towns is which town the original turnip was from. This is despite the truth being that, most likely, the turnip was grown in America where the illegal procedure took place.

  Davis Davisgrue, a local farmer from Marsalous, claims it was his family farm that grew the sacred turnip. “Every time one of our residents finds the corpse, I can feel in my heart it happened because the turnip is trying to return home.”

  As silly as it may all seem, the festivals surrounding the Tour du Turnip bring many tourist dollars into the region every year. In fact, tourism is the number one industry in the area.

  In Marsalous, the taboo against eating turnips is completely reversed. It’s considered a sacrament to consume turnips. In fact, there is a local superstition that if one consumes enough turnips they can live forever. Perhaps, ironically, this overconsumption of turnips may be why Marsalous is the only area in the whole planet where many residents experience a potentially fatal allergy to turnips. Science is unsure if the connection is because of some causation or if it’s just one of life’s cruel little funny ironies.

  Another irony is that turnips of quality will not grow in the soil around Marsalous. Timothy Archegrieger Tomapoloustein the Third, a local farmer, says, “You can grow anything here but turnips.”

  A few years ago, an end-time cult formed in Marsalous felt that the turnips leaving was a sign that the Lance was angry with everyone and would end the world soon. As you might notice, no such thing has happened as of yet. However, you will also notice that turnips do not grow there.

  Science claims this is simply because the soil has been exhausted of the nutrients needed to grow turnips. Sadly, the only crop known to replenish the proper nutrients is soy, which has been banned globally (except in Texas, a state in America and a hotbed of hippie-dippy mentalities, as everyone knows) because it was proven to cause tumors in aardvarks that ruin their flavor.

  Marsalous is the world’s number one importer of turnips. In fact, no other place in the world even comes close to importing as many turnips. There are even small countries that have treaties with Marsalous, promising to sell them the first 90% of their turnip crops before anyone else. This is the main reason why the Haitian mauve turnip costs so much – which is really sad because they’re really the world’s best turnip according to salad aficionados. Honestly, they’re the only turnip I personally like.

The Tour du Turnip is just another one of the wonderful and wacky eccentricities of our world. If you’re planning to experience this rich, cultural tradition, please plan early and make reservations months in advance. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck in some crappy hostel like this author, trying to write while some cow grazes on some fried turnip slices in the upper bunk. Jesus Chrimpanzee, they’re spilling crumbs on my writing tablet!

© Copyright 2018 Robert Owen. All rights reserved.

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