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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Nightmares and Psychopaths


The Beginning

Chapter 4 (v.1) - Non-Relevant The Journal

Submitted: May 29, 2018

Reads: 114

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Submitted: May 29, 2018

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How many times have you hit bottom only to relapse and hit bottom all over again?

- Before it was something like every week few times, now is with a progress like few times in month. Which means from 3 up to 4-5 times max.


In my practice, men often call me only when they’re being charged with an illegal sexual offense. Could that happen to you?

Yeah it could happen, that's why I started reading this book right now at 4:00 A.M., before few hours I was a victim of a strong relapse.

Do you want a high bottom or a low bottom?

- A low bottom is signified by events such as being arrested when soliciting a prostitute and going to jail on porn charges.

- A high bottom is when you hit bottom without having major legal consequences.

I am in high bottom, I have not been arrested, No Prostitutes, whores. I am a student, I don't have job, wife and I am 18 Years old.

What would it take for you to hit bottom?

- Being in stressed, angry, ignored, alone. Having too much on me. Watching how everything goes and I am still nowhere!




Oh god I fail, I don't know which time is it… but I fail and fail, I thought that I more powerful than my addiction but this addiction this time tried to trick me. First, making me look the erotic bar image… then more images from that type then it went further striptis pornstars..  and one moment it went FUCKING VERRY VERRRY SICK CONDOM WITH CUM…

I am not sick, I have an addiction and it eating me inside it has' t been long since.


It has been a while it started this month around 13.12.2017 and now 20.12.2017 it came back… one thought drove one more and one more



Thought

+

One more


+

One more

+


One More

+

One More

(…+….+….+…)

It's my sexual compulsion it's as bad as all other addiction…

Like Drugs
Like Alcohol



And All other bad habits which destroy my well being, I promised to stop but the compulsion aka Mr. Addiction got me once today in the morning, I had the power to stop it, but the second fight… I just could't stop it… It was FUCKING Damn good.


Mr. Addiction: You Need Me
Mr. Addiction: You gonna like it
Mr. Addiction: Give a try
Mr. Addiction: After all you need something sex or jerking off?
Mr. Addiction: Haha haha you couldn't talk today with a girl… better take me… MY PILL - START JERKING OFF

Mr. Addiction: She asked you about your age you said 18… then you asked her she said 16… you said "Wow "…  she looked at you in a strange way and THE END - Hahahahahaha just TAKE THE PILL


Mr. Addiction: It's dick… IT'S NEW … IT'S SPECIAL… IT'S ONE OF YOUR FAVOURITES

Mr. Addiction: I know that you like asses… just relax..  go and touch your dick and start stroking it.


Mr. Addiction: You are like your fathere! WEAKKKK MINDED

Mr. Addiction: Your addiction started in early age and it will continue.

Mr. Addiction: TO BE CONTINUED

Mr. Addiction: You said that you won't leave a story with "To Be Continued" ever.

Mr. Addiction: YOU ALWAYS CHANGE DIRECTION
Mr. Addiction: You are not serious

Mr. Addiction: You don't have the guts to face the whole thing

Mr. Addiction: You will be alone forever…

NO GIRLFRIEND
NO FRIENDS
..

ALONE



AT LEAST BE WITH ME…


YOU WON'T LOSE ANYTHING.


Mr. Addiction: You can't talk to the public, you get upset easy… you say one thing but you go other direction.


1. What would you say to it?

DeYtH: Fuck off leave me alone.. I want better life


2. What questions would you ask?

DeYtH: How can I remove you?
How to stop you?
Why I always I get to you?





DeYtH: Who are you?

Mr. Addiction: The bottom of all your failures, (when you fail… you get stressed you want to relax I am here.)


DeYtH: Why do you want me to act this particular way?”

Mr. Addiction: Because you fail again and again … you don't follow your goals.





It really sucks it sounds like I won't go very far. Another failure just follow me up, right in my home.




I won't give up listen to my teacher failure is not easy to be avoided here. Addiction always finds way to trick you.




I won't lie:

I have progress:



I have made it too few before they were plenty. I mean in week I was jerking off like 3-4 times.
...

I didn't saw it as a damage, but something like mistake = That's what books of (Masturbating is Good For You) say.

Say: It happens, it's normal…





I really didn't found at that time solution.






But the truth is that in the end Mr. Addiction, found a way to trick me.

First , Mr.Addiction…made a dream fulfilled with prostitutes… and going all directions of making you on.

Mr. Addiction: You are weak
Mr. Addiction: Do It Come on
Mr. Addiction: Just do that

DeYtH: Noooooo

Mr. Addiction: Just that
DeYtH: Okay, but once
Mr. Addiction:



….

The Story follows up to fighting to stop doing this sick things but Mr. Addiction, by using silence beats me up in his game he always knows the answers.


Mr. Addiction: Okay… now look at this video this people are having sex.

DeYtH: It's sick

Mr. Addiction: It always has been difficult to adapt change and TO DON'T CARE WHAT ALL OTHERS PEOPLE ARE THINKING.

Mr. Addiction: Two years have been you said when you grow other you won't stop masturbating you will even double and tripple the whole count.


Mr. Addiction: It have been 2 years since you removed your friends by reasons which were stupid.


DeYtH: So you are my friend?
Mr. Addiction: Yes
DeYtH: BULLSHIT, bitch leave off

Mr. Addiction: What you need is desire and image that's what makes you on.

DeYtH: You are sick, because OF


YOU I COULDN'T MEND MY FRIENDSHIPS
I COULDN'T GET BETTER LIFE
EVERYTHING  SINCE YOU BECAME PART OF MY LIFE  HAS WENT IN DIRECTION COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.




DeYtH: Every day with you living makes damages  in my life.

DeYtH: BECAUUUSEEE OF YOU PEOPLE SEE ME AS SICK PERSON, BECAUSE YOU MY MIND IS LIKE ON DRUGS.

Mr. Addiction: LOW YOUR VOICE!



BUT YOU LIKE IT?


Mr. Addiction: I am right!

Mr. Addiction: No Need to answer my question

DeYtH: I feel like a JUNKIE, blur vision…




Mr. Addiction: But you like it?

DeYtH: I like it and I hate it … liking sonethng like this will cost real damage, no need for such savage decision.


Mr. Addiction: No Need to fuck with me… don't listen to this professor dick. You can do it… as much as you want.


DeYtH: No

Mr. Addiction: Why?…  because of him?



- He won't find as far as you do it private

DeYtH: You are sick and you need medicine

Mr. Addiction: No, you are sick.. I am a part of you.

DeYtH: NoooooooOOO… THAT'S LIE

IF YOU WERE ME, THEN WHY YOU WANT TO DESTROY ME?

Mr. Addiction: That's your true self- you are an addict and I can give you the supply.


DeYtH: I don't want your suply, I am me… and I will remove


Mr. Addiction: You can't let's bet in that… mainly because you are weak… weakness can't destroy a virus.


Mr. Addiction: Even if you cut yourself… bash yourself… slap… kick yourself… I WILL BE THERE….



SLAYING YOURSELF IS THE ONLY DECISION.




DeYtH: I feel like slaying myself, mainly because of you… You made me to think about that… an addict can't  see the right way.


Mr. Addiction: You are weak… and I am here to destroy you mentally.

DeYtH: Why you want me to do that.

Mr. Addiction: Lookacha you… you can't keep your promises, you are not sure, you are worried, no friends, YOU DON'T HAVE NOTHING WHICH COULD IMPROVE YOUR SOCIAL STYLE.

Mr. Addiction: You see yourself as a genius, but you you ain't genius.


DeYtH: What can I do about that?

Mr. Addiction: Try random things, try something to keep you out of stress.


"Albert Einstein: in order to solve a problem, you can’t use the same thinking that got you into the problem."


….


1. How did your sexually  compulsive behavior started?

- It started from my early age by playing a game on my father's laptop.
At first it was just normal looking game with a girl and man then after few rounds it was treasure… but with time it started making my mind weaker…

- Rejection is little depressive that's why if I do something with a girl ( I mean chat), it's rare + most cases I convince a friend to do it and I have fun in watching how he fails. But stIll getting rejected it's like Blip 20%


When it get 100% '- I start jerking off


You are kinda right, It started with my father's porn. He had on his laptop songs which were fulfilled with pornographic material - IT'S ONE REAL BIG DAMAGE

 How old are you now, and how long have you been doing the same or different sexually compulsive behaviors?

- Now I am 18 Years old, it has been since 10-11 years old kiddo. Just made a  mistake = finding this videos and it ruin all my conception of understanding normal life… IT FEELS GOOD THAT'S HOW ALL STARTED.

When you were a child, did you play doctor? Did your compulsive behavior start with the girl next door? Or the boy next door?

- Yeah, it was some kinda game in which doctor or a plumber who is going to fix some kinda a problem which is having one  woman aka girl. And then he falls … and then it comes choices, there are few scenes…

How did you learn about sex? That is, how was sex introduced to you? Did you have “the talk” (about sex) with your parents or with another authority figure

- It happen at home, they started terrorizing me with shit few years it was like a chain… each year each mouth we talk about it, somewhere in the middle or probably before that came in place this game… it really made me on..  I was with a friend… and I felt like I wanted to push the button one more… time… one more time… then I started doing a research… and one moment I got the tools… but I wasn't really sure - Until it came the book about masturbating which really fuck my mind… - SUCH UGLY AWFUL CONCEPT WHICH DESTROY PERCEPTION AND EVERYTHING ALIVE.


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