Glass Trees

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic


It has never felt this good to love a person, it has never felt this right. But it's so wrong and we both know it. It was as if time stood still when I was with her, like the rest of the world just
disappeared into thin air. I wished they would really disappear. Then we would be able to love an live as we wanted to. Without everyone's expectations dragging us down to its deepest roots and
leaving our love out in the cold to be blown away with all the dead autumn leaves. What would happen when I eventually return for good? When it was actually possible for us to build a life
together? There is no way it could work out without letting down all our friends and family. I only want everyone to be happy. I want you to be happy and I want everyone else to be happy for us. Me
and you. Maybe we should just stop before it all uncontrollably shatters into pieces...

Submitted: May 30, 2018

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Submitted: May 30, 2018

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It’s a deep soul splitting sadness.  For I know the tragic ending…

 

It’s not yet winter, barely autumn, but I’m shivering.  The thin white blanket wrapped around my legs not helping much.  To my right on my bedside table I lit a cherry scented candle, the glow of the yellowish flame flickering against my grey pillows every now and then distracting me from my writing.  I was hoping it would make the room look a bit warmer. But it didn’t.  It;s a realy crappy day outside.  I'm not even going to bother opening my curtains. No sun, no wind, no birds, no sound. Just some clouds slowly drifting across the sky over the trees .  Trees that were starting to lose their leaves, just like I was losing my mind. They were spiralling downward a few at a time, every now and then. Then a car would drive past and crumble them into a thousand little useless pieces. So fragile with such a temporary beauty.  You got mad at me again this morning for not answering your texts, but only because you were worried.  You knew that digging up the past was haunting me and you only wanted to help. 

My coffee cup is empty again.  I like coffee, and I like drinking out of my glass cups.  It reminds me of the early mornings you and I sat outside as the sun rose over the snowy hills almost blinding our still sleep filled eyes.  We just sat there, not uttering a single word, but saying so much.  To that extent that I no longer felt the need or the want to talk to anyone else.  When we went to bed the silence became comforting, in knowing that when we wake up the other would still be there next to you.  Even if you didn’t hear them, you’d feel them. 

 

I need to concentrate on my work.  We talk constantly over the phone, but it’s not the same.  I need to hold you, feel your face gently pressing against mine and as you close your eyes I wrap my arms tighter around your body. Just letting all your sorrow and hurt sink deeper and deeper into my bones, making you feel loved and wanted again. You deserve love. It’s a rare thing such an innocent human being.  It’s like you are a see through glass canvas. Life is constantly throwing dark colors of paint at you, trying to create the ugliest picture.  Black and grey everywhere. But I can wipe it right off.  Revealing the most beautiful abstract piece of art that ever existed.  Consisting of all the brightest colors you could think of, but so simlpy and orderly constructed.  You were easy to look at.  It was the fact that most people could not wipe that glass canvas clean, and see the pure perfection and raw human behind the ugly colours, that astonished me the most.  And it was also what caused you the most undeserving pain. Now pain is something I understand fairly all too well.  I could carry all my sorrows along with all of yours.  It’s not ideal but it’s necessary, you don’t deserve any of it.

The grey clouds outside my window grew into thick heavy cotton balls hovering lower in a mere few minutes.  The stillness of this morning is nowhere to be found.  With the wind howling around the corners of my small apartment I pull the blanket a bit closer to my pounding chest.  My heart was racing.  I could feel the storm churning. Not outside, with the thunder getting closer and closer, but inside me already too close.  I’m getting up, I need more coffee.  This storm has been waiting to happen for too long.  It’s been caged up for a longer time than it should have been. And I know it’s going to rain the next time I see you.  The wind yanking deeply rooted trees out from where they were planted for years… and the icy cold rain bringing only bitterness to whomever got caught in it.  Whomever being you.  With no rain coat, no umbrella, no shelter.   It was going to be my storm shattering your glass canvas.  But when the sun comes out again I will do my best to pick up all of the pieces, and put them back where they belong.  Even it means that I have to hold them there with my bare hands, the glass cutting into my fingers and the blood streaming down my arms for the rest of my life.   

I don’t have the words. 

Its so hard being over 400k far from you.  The distance is killing me.  Devouring me from the inside like the flesh eating monster it is.  I have so much important things to attend to over here but all I can think about is driving home as fast as I can, pulling up in your driveway… Then you’ll come running out the front door, not waiting for me to properly get out of my car, and fall into my arms.  Right where you belong, where you will stay for the next few days.  Until I have to leave, again.  The longing and suffering sprouting from its roots for the thousandth time.  I’m so sorry, sorry I that I have to abandon you all the time.  Keeping you at knife point and playing Russian roulette with myself.  I know it’ll get better. It has to.


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