Pain

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic


Been writing this for about a month after a painful breakup. Enjoy

Submitted: May 30, 2018

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Submitted: May 30, 2018

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I feel like I'm moving on, but I'm not sure
I tell myself to put aside the petty thoughts and be mature, but that fear stays in my heart
The terrifying truth that someday I will see you with another
Someone who makes you feel more special and wanted than I ever could
My misguided words and actions only deepening that rift
The connection I thought we shared, severed
Not knowing how I can stay in your life without burning up inside
Not knowing if I can be out of it and not hate the person in the mirror more than I already do
I can't be sure if my feelings were ill-placed, if I was just another guy to you
It sounds terrible but that's what my mind conjures up when I lay awake in the dark 
Those that know the reason all say I'm better off without you
I want to believe them but a big part of me wishes that my future is with you
My two minds battle as I write this: one saying that all this is true and the other enraged that my fingers even dare to type these words
All I know is that my feelings for you felt genuine
I will miss the conversations, the mutual anxiety for the other's safety, the attempts at watching anything, that little squeeze of the hand on the way home
Most of all, I'll miss being able to hold you close to me, the smell of your hair lingering on my shoulder, your voice, your laugh, your kindness
What felt like your love
I was starting to love you
But I feel that knowing your feelings still would not save me from this pain
Seeing you again burns me up inside, more intense than anything I can remember
Legs weak, heart racing because I don't know if your feelings still linger like mine do
Feeling broken but knowing that the wounds are superficial and dwelling on it will only give the pain more reason to stay
Mind swimming through what has happened and what could have happened, hoping and praying to whatever god will listen that somehow this pain will be gone soon
Knowing that moving on is my only choice but I lack the strength 
Hands shaking as I type this, looking in your direction, feeding my eyes but killing my heart
Tears held back with fragile masculinity, that I know will evaporate when I try to forget your face again
Shivering, shaking, shameful feelings
Maturity and rationality pushes me to move on, feelings and adolescent attachment holding me back
Now seeing you happy with him brings back those feelings I try to put down
Every day since then I’ve tried whatever I could to quench the burning in my soul for you
I tell myself to hate you for doing this to me
But it can never be, I care for you too much
Shivering with the cold both outside and in, eyes red from the tears that never fall
Whatever deity is listening, take it away
Take the pain away

 


© Copyright 2018 Dale Craig. All rights reserved.

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