A Heart That Doesn't Bleed

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic

Our minds progress everyday by obtaining new information from new experiences we encounter.

Wake up in the morning for that breath of fresh air outside thinking about how did I get this far? I would've never imagined seeing such a beautiful side of life through these eyes of mine. To say my struggles didn't mold me into the man i am today would be similar to me forgetting where I came from. Through those hard times I knew what it was like to have a true friend, and I found love in places no one would've ever expected. I've seen horrors as a kid that would've made a grown man weep for it all to stop. However, in those times of danger I couldn't freeze because it was time to be real in order to see the next day. Sitting by a window pane when I was only nine years old wondering will there ever be peace was a question that stuck on my mind for years. My 9th birthday party was one that I'll never forget for the simple fact that that happened to be the last time I felt what an actual family was as I can recall the love my mother and brothers had for each other. Who would've thought only a few days later we'd all be ripped apart from each other, and shipped hundreds of miles away without a clue as to what was happening. Two of my siblings and I out of the seven were grouped together at our grandma's house whome I've only seen once in my life before that. A couple weeks into living there my grandmother pulled me to the side to tell me that I wouldn't be seeing my mother for a very long time. At the time I just nodded but in my mind I was burning as the pain inside of me grew a little more. After our talk I stood by the kitchen looking over at two of my brothers conflicted on if I should share what I just heard in the other room, but the pain in my heart would've only felt as if it were about to explode if I seen them cry afterwards. About a month later my grandmother announced we were going to be relocating to a new state with her pretty soon. Before I left I was facing my last day of summer camp down here in Florida, so I told my counselor. Her and another woman asked me to stay after for a few minutes, but what they did next made me tear up as they prayed and cried over me for guidance and protection on this long journey. What touched me the most is I've never said a word about my personal life, but my counselor said she felt as if something was calling for her to do that for me. After that day I wondered if I would be able to see the rest of my brothers before our departure onto something different. Sadly that didn't happen as it was moving day without a clue as to when we would come back. All I could do was look out the window of the back seat of the car hope for the best when we get there. From there it was good bye Florida and hello Georgia. In my hand I held the last gift my mother would have given me for a very long time which was a CD player. With that I stayed to myself in my own world hoping and wishing for better days to come our way soon.

I felt how hard it was to be taken away from the ones you love the most, but that only awakened an element we all possess which happens to be faith. A road of faith lead me to believe that everything I had hoped and wished for would one day come true. I only wanted to be able to laugh with my mother and brothers again in a home away from every kind of terror known to man. Upon our arrival to Georgia, we settled in the new house in a county called Macon. It was like stepping foot into a new world where it wasn't much noise, and the people in the neighborhood were all friendly. It was still the middle of summer, so my grandmother enrolled us into another summer camp where I would meet an artist that told me he seen something special in my work. There's just something about art that fascinates me, and shines light on a side of me that only wanted to create something beautiful not only for my eyes, but for my mother as well. My first piece of art was created through the art of wood burning where I traced a drawing from a picture and burned it into the wood. After it was complete I kept the piece in the top of my closet in hopes that my mother would one day gaze upon its perfection with her eyes, and take it with her to remember me by. It wasn't long until the new school year kicked off, and this was an uneasy feeling as not only did I have a new school, but I was in a whole new setting where the operation was a bit different. My new fourth grade teachers loved me as I turned out to be one of the nicest students in all their classes. I couldn't help but come to school and smile everyday from ear to ear getting to be around some of the kids that went to the same summer camp as me. I had one close friend named Trey, who was artistic as well. We liked a lot of the same things as we would spend most of our time after school playing video games, and watching VCR movies with the rest of our friends. At times we would exchange CDs with each other to listen to during a game of monopoly. He was a very unique individual as he had eleven toes, but I treated it like an advantage over the rest of us with only ten. We made a pact to remain the best of friends forever, and from that moment on I was no longer in doubt that love was real. Later in the school year Christmas was approaching us. I thought it'd be just like Halloween and thanksgiving where I spent those holidays crying in my room for the simple reason that I would rather be spending that time with my mother and brothers. On the last day of school before Christmas break one of my teachers gave me a gift, as to say thank you for being such a good student. Often times she would refer to me as the son she never had. Later that day I came home to a surprise as my mother was waiting in the living room for us to get home from after care. The look on my face was priceless as I ran to hug her with every bit of strength I had in me. For once in a very long time I felt as though everything was about to be alright, and I could finally be truly happy. She brought with her gifts for me and my brothers. I recieved a picture of two of my other brothers, and an art set along with two DVDs that I'll never forget. A lot of people never understood why I would get emotional when watching those two movies. See my mother say and watched both of those movies by my side at least once everyday when she was up there. Two weeks later after coming home from after care, I walked in the house feeling like something had been taken away from me. I searched and searched but I couldn't find my mother, so I assumed she just went out with my uncle somewhere. Waiting on her returned I played both of the DVDs "Mickey's Once Upon A Christmas" and "Mickey's Twice Upon A. Christmas". My uncle walked in to ask me if I was going to eat dinner then he notified me that she had gone back to Florida. My heart dropped and from there all I wanted to do was continue watching the movies over again until she walked through that door in hopes that he was somehow lying. However, reality kicked back in when I saw one specific part in the movie where Mickey had lost all his hope in trying to find a gift for Minnie Mouse due to the fact that he had very little in his pocket, yet he worked very hard every day but the pay didn't match. He sold the only thing he had left in order to make sure Minnie was the happiest mouse alive by giving up something that meant a lot to him. His will to make a sacrifice in order to make their time together special, reminded me of the same way my mom sacrificed pretty much everything she had to make sure we spent Christmas with her. Had I been in her position I would've done the same by giving my all in order to bring a bit of light to my kids. I wasn't sure if she would return, but I knew one day I'd be able to work towards seeing her the same way she traveled hundreds of miles by driving to see us. Much like a harmonica's power to shed some light on just about any dark situation, I decided to pick up the flute as another hobby in hopes that I would one day play for my mothers and brothers.

A gift from the heart is cherished and true, and a present is best when love is given too. As I neared the last few days of the school year, there was something my grandmother told me that left me blank for the remaining time I was there. She told me my other grandmother agreed to take care of us back in Florida, which left me confused as to why we couldn't continue living here? What I felt in my heart when we were first taken away had returned as I wondered would there be anyone to love us? The trip back to Florida was long, and I feared what might've lied ahead of us. Upon our arrival back to Florida what I seen out the window looked nothing like my other grandmother's house as it turned out to be a foster care. I turned to look at my brothers watching them cry for answers as to why we were here. All we got were good byes and a place on the floor to sit with the rest of the kids watching tv. They said we'd only be there two weeks tops then we'd be placed with our grandmother in Florida. A couple months had gone by and still no answer. You know what hurt the most was watching all the other kids go off to see their parent or guardian every Saturday, and to look around the foster care to notice only me and my brothers were there. For a long time I thought no one would ever come get us. A new school year approached us as and that's when I seen the system's ugly side when they decided to hold me back a grade since I didn't complete my fourth grade year in Florida. I was miserable day in and day out. Watching new kids come and go every few weeks or so, I began hoping that maybe someone would just swing by the foster care and adopt us. I just wanted the feeling of a real home again. I wanted a simple hug, or maybe even just someone to be there by my side no matter what. I would've settled for just about anything willing to show just a little compassion for another human being that had been up and down many roads in search of something real. I guess in a way someone had heard our cries as it turned out my grandmother actually did come to pick us up months later. I sat on her living room couch wondering how long will this last before its time for them to ship us off somewhere else like animals that didn't belong anywhere. Something in me wanted to disappear, but something else stronger in me kept me striving to be the best that I could be during my time there no matter how long I had. I was glad to had been placed in the correct grade where I'd soon become a safety patrol. There was a Washington DC trip scheduled for all safety patrols, but I couldn't afford to go, so I let the principal know. I offered to give up my safety patrol position to someone that could actually afford to go, I wouldn't want to hold onto something that I couldn't fully take advantage of while I had it. Later that day Dr. Cartridge called my grandma when I went to the store, and notified her that my trip had been fully paid on behalf of my student conduct. I couldn't thank her enough as I wanted to hug everyone that took part in making this happen for me. I enjoyed the whole trip up there, and to be alongside some of the best set of friends I'd ever grow to know was a big turn around for this journey I've been traveling. It's amazing becuase everyone in that hotel room turned out to be related to me. Graduation approached us, I recieved 13 awards and certificates. Even the presidents award signed by president Bush himself. Looking out in the crowd left with a blank smile as I didn't see anyone for me in the audience. However, I was just happy to have made it this far.

I learned that if we care for each other our dreams can come true. Even though each trial seemed greater than the last I couldn't give up because I tried so hard to make the best out of every situation. I was extremely happy have completed the fifth grade, and what lied ahead was an adventure I was willing to take head on. After living with my grandmother for a few years, there was a court order in place for my mother to regain custody of all her children. This made me happy, but to hear the people around me talk down on my mom saying she wouldn't ever be able to take care of us only made me question if the love here was real. The beginning of 7th grade year was moving day for my brothers and I into our new home with our mother. Everything I had imagined was becoming our reality as we were a big happy family once more with a new addition to the family, a cute baby brother. The love was back in our home, and the future looked brighter. However, by the time my eighth grade year came around things took a turn for the worse as my mother put on this "get it how you live" mentality which left us struggling to find the peace. Once the love in the home ran out, I began looking for love else where. I played recreational football and was recommended the the coach of Suncoast to play for their team, and bring my wits to their school. I accepted without any hesitation, yet something had a hold of me as it didn't seem like much considering now I've been spending most of my time with other kids from broken homes in the streets. They swayed me over with words I wanted hear such as "family", "love", and "us". So instead of coming straight home after school I wanted to stay out and hang with my friends. I felt as if I belonged on the streets as my mother would kick me out the house becuase of the stress she had on her mind. Money seemed to be a real issue, or so I thought. Even then I still graduated middle school, but I didn't show up to my graduation for the simple fact that my mother said she wouldn't go. Just like my football banquet where everyone's parents walked them down the aisle as their names were called, there I stood alone with a rose in my hand but no parent to walk me down. My coach sped up to walk by my side, and he turned to me saying I shouldn't let anything like this bring me down I just have to be stronger than everyone else. That game I made three sacs and scored one touchdown. It would've meant a lot to have someone cheering me on, but the fire burning inside of me to make the best out of this night was strong. My hopes and all my wishes for something better left me feeling alone after a while. However, my will to carry on was far greater than the will to give up. You know it might not seem like much to others, but it meant a lot to me when my friends would stay outside all night with me whenever I would be kicked out. Those nights were always the coldest, and I had nowhere else to go, but the love from them made me feel warm enough to hold back all my tears and roll up my sleeves. I knew right from wrong, but sometimes I wish i could have passed that same wisdom onto my friends out on those streets where most of them died shortly from the ruthless acts they would commit in the dark. I guess it's true what they say, what's done in the dark will always come to the light. I can't count the number of days I'd go hungry, and only have school lunch to look forward to once I got to high school. It didn't bother me much after a while once I met another set of amazing friends that all have remarkable talents. Man what I wouldn't give to go back and relive those days again. During my freshman year of high school I met a woman that changed everything in me for the better. She brought out a side of me I never knew existed, what I felt was love and happiness both pure and true. She gave me a gift that could be given by the rich or the poor, it was a gift of the heart which meant the most to me. Her heart made of pure energy which is far more valuable than any amount of gold. I express in my daily poetry, my love and appreciation for her even though we're not together anymore. What she gave me were the best years of my life, and a new way of living as we tackled any and every problem together because she cared that much. Would I like to be apart of her life again? Very much so. The love between us wasn't just unconditional, it was real. I love who I am today, and with every breath I take I'm still growing up. 

Submitted: May 31, 2018

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