The Valley of the Tools Episode 5

Reads: 99  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Whitney, during intense filming for The Box, has to deal with constant complaints and demands from her live-in parents, Hannah takes the insults of the other contestants on The Box personally, and
Rob can’t decide whether his attraction to Bonnie is real or not, as he re-enters the dating scene after Dana's abortion

Submitted: May 30, 2018

A A A | A A A

Submitted: May 30, 2018









“Save yourself the trouble. You can count on me to split, I’ll never clean my room. I’ll just move when I get sick of it”

  • Noam Swain


(Cut to a shot of a speculum lying in a steel bowl on a counter. A gloved hand enters the shot, and retrieves the speculum. Zoom out to reveal a doctor wielding the speculum in a hospital room, wearing a doctor’s mask. Behind him is the blurry image of Dana with her feet in stirrups, flanked by two nurses)


DOCTOR: Ready?


NURSE: Ready, Freddy.


(The Doctor sighs, and walks over to Dana, who is clearly sedated)


DOCTOR: Opening. (The doctor uses the speculum to open Dana’s vagina) Local anesthetic.


NURSE: Yes, Doctor.


(The nurse hands the Doctor a needle, and he anesthetizes the cervix. The doctor puts the needle aside)


DOCTOR: Tenaculum?


NURSE: Yes, Doctor.


(The Nurse hands the Doctor the tenaculum, which he then inserts into the vagina, to hold the cervix in place. Cut to Dana’s face during all this)


DANA: Uuuughh…Rob…Rob, you son of a bitch…


(Cut to Rob sitting next to Miles and Whitney on the set of The Box. They’re watching monitors depicting the contestants in the box structure)


MILES: You checked a lot of boxes here, Whitney, white, lesbian white, black, Muslim-


WHITNEY: It wasn’t a “box-checking” approach, they were just the best contestants we could find.


MILES: I’m just saying, if we want them to cat fight later, it’ll seem more racial now, and that’s no good.


WHITNEY: They don’t need to fight!

MILES: This is a reality show!

(Rob gets a text from Dana. He picks it up, and it reads, simply, “It’s done”. Rob puts his phone away, and his visage is grim. The sound of Miles & Whitney bickering is muffled, as Rob is deep in thought. But eventually, Whitney snaps him out of it)




(Rob looks over)


ROB: Uh, yes? Yeah? What’s up?


WHITNEY: What do you think?


ROB: About what?


WHITNEY: Should the contestants fight? Like, physically? Slapping, and pushing?


ROB: I mean…it would show that women can be just as manly as men.


WHITNEY: But see, that’s my point, we’re conforming to masculine-driven concepts of strength, rather than celebrating feminine concepts of strength.


MILES: People like conflict. Those four are getting along like old ladies on a boat, floating away from the Titanic.


WHITNEY: We can have conflict without cat fights. We might as well get a mud put in here if we’re going to go for that male gaze bullshit.


MILES: Good idea.


WHITNEY: Not a serious proposal!

ROB: Hey, guys, can I take off early?


WHITNEY: Why? We have to prep the girls for their talking head interviews.


ROB: I just…don’t feel great.


WHITNEY: Rob. (Whitney leans over) This isn’t still about Dana, is it?


ROB: …Not exactly.


WHITNEY: Is this about-? (Rob nods) Oh. Okay, go ahead.


ROB: Thanks.


(Rob gets up)


MILES: How are you gonna spend your day off?


(Rob puts on his sunglasses)


ROB: Tell the clubs I’m comin’ tonight.


(Rob flashes a bright smile. Cut to Rob sitting in his bed, wearing a wife beater and sweatpants, smoking a cigarette while using his laptop, which is hooked up to his TV. He is searching through Porn Hub for Bonnie Backlash videos. He happens upon one entitled “The Giles Zone, Episode 1: Giles the Pussy Slayer”. He presses play, puts his cigarette in a nearby ash tray, and pulls down his pants. The TV shows Anthony Stewart Head, dressed as Giles from Buffy The Vampire Slayer, walking into a shoddily put-together school library set, with his head buried in a book labeled “69 Forbidden Spells”)


GILES: Buffy, I was just looking for some spells that could slay the- (He looks up to see Backlash Bonnie, dressed in a low-cut shirt, and short skirt, sitting on the table, wearing a red wig) oh, Willow. I didn’t expect you to be here.


BONNIE: I just needed help with my dark arts skills, Mr. Giles. That’s why I’m staying late.


(Bonnie spreads her legs, and Giles sweats)


GILES: That’s quite an outfit. (Giles clears his throat) What was I talking about?


BONNIE: Come on, just help me.


GILES: Uh, what area of the dark arts is it?


BONNIE: It’s a potion. All I need is the dick of an Englishman for it to be complete.


(Giles takes off his glasses, clearly aroused)


GILES: Oh, I see. I could perhaps, assist with that.


(Giles approaches Bonnie, and we cut to Rob masturbating while tearing up)




(Cut to Rob with a whiskey in his hand, sitting across from his publicist June. Rob takes a sip)


JUNE: …Rob, you can’t stay away from work for too long before people start speculating that you’re dying, or having a nervous breakdown.


ROB: What if both things are true?


JUNE: Rob.


ROB: Do you know when something is real, and when it’s just, lust?


JUNE: I’m incapable of love, Rob, I’m a publicist. I know that no one is who they say they are. Because there’s always someone like me behind them.


ROB: I’m infatuated with Bonnie. But I know I can’t cross that line, because then, well, I’d be sleeping with someone who works for me again.


JUNE: Plus, you may just be trying to rebound from, you-know-who.


ROB: Yeah, I can’t really tell. Bonnie has big breasts.


JUNE: …Are you gonna elaborate on that, or?


ROB: No, I think I’ll stop there.


JUNE: …How about this, Robert? Download Tinder and see who you can find.


ROB: I think I still have it. (Rob takes out his phone) I’ll see if I can find any classy hoes.


JUNE: What are you, exactly?


ROB: I’m a classy hoe too, I’ll admit it!


(Cut to McKenzie and Miles walking down the hallway at FOX studios)


MCKENZIE: …You know, I already talked to them a little bit during rehearsal yesterday.


MILES: Yeah, but we want you to REALLY get to know them. Bond like sisters. There’ll be refreshments, help yourself.


MCKENZIE: I will, partially because you poured out all the water coolers into the street today, for, some reason!

MILES: Yeah, well, if Flint can’t get clean water, why should we? It was a, political statement, just shut up and go in there. (Miles and McKenzie stop at Hannah Delaney’s dressing room) See you later.


MCKENZIE: Bye. (McKenzie walks into the dressing room, and sees Hannah, with two other girls, a young Muslim girl in a hijab, and a young black girl with braided hair) Hi, my darlings! Good to see you guys again!


(McKenzie closes the door)


HANNAH: Hi, Kenzie! You remember Sidra and Judy?


MCKENZIE: Of course, how could I forget?


(McKenzie hugs Sidra, and then Judy)


JUDY: Good to see you, girl.


SIDRA: You want some water?


(McKenzie relinquishes her embrace of Judy)


MCKENZIE: Oh my God, yes! I feel like I just smoked weed in the Mojave Desert and then blew Mad Max.


(Sidra hands a water bottle to McKenzie, and grabs one herself)


SIDRA: I, uh, I know what you mean…


JUDY: I don’t.


(Judy and Hannah grab waters as well, and they all take sips)


HANNAH: So, how’d you guys get into acting?


SIDRA: Acting? Isn’t this un-scripted?


HANNAH: If you call getting notes shouted at you through a walkie-talkie “un-scripted”.


MCKENZIE: God, I’m a little dizzy.


(Cut to a brief shot of a teddy bear with a camera lens installed in its eye, tightening its focus. Cut back to the contestants)


JUDY: I’m a model, so I’m used to getting shouted at.


SIDRA: I call my parents twice a day, so I am also used to this.


HANNAH: My parents hate me toooo-


(Hannah passes out, as do McKenzie, Judy and Sidra. Cut to the four of them waking up in the Box. There is a glass box on a pedestal in the middle of the room with a key in it. A letter sits next to the pedestal, and a door resides on the other side of the room. McKenzie rises into a seated position, rubbing her head)


MCKENZIE: What, the fuck?


(Sidra sits up as well)


SIDRA: What happened?


(Hannah sits up)


HANNAH: Did you guys, drug us? Really? In a feminist reality show, you drugged us, and dragged our limp bodies into a cage?


(Judy sits up)


MILES: (Over a nearby walkie talkie) It’s called The Box, honey.


(McKenzie grabs the walkie talkie)


MCKENZIE: It’s called “this undermines the fundamental concept of this show”!


WHITNEY: (Over the walkie talkie) I’m sorry, it was the only way to get the cool shot of you guys waking up.


SIDRA: Which is now not useable because we complained about all this.


MILES: (Over the walkie talkie) You’re right, let’s take it from the top.



MILES: Fine, then we’ll do some sound editing. Now, pick up the letter.


(They shrug, and get up, as the numerous cameras on the walls zoom in on them)


HANNAH: What’s this letter?


(Hannah picks up the letter, opens it, and finds a thumb drive, and a note that reads “Plug into pedestal”. Hannah puts the thumb drive into the pedestal’s USB port, and a video of Backlash Bonnie appears on the pedestal’s screen. She is wearing the Jigsaw mask, and has significant cleavage)


BONNIE: (Low voice) Do you wanna play a game?


(They scream)


MCKENZIE: It’s Jigsaw with cleavage, make it stop!


(Bonnie takes off the mask)


BONNIE: I’m just kidding, gals. Or am I? You’ll find out. Welcome to The Box. You have one mission tonight. Get. Out. Of. This. Box. It’ll require FIERCE dedication, FIERECE cooperation, and a heaping helping of girl power. Which also happens to be the name of my new line of panty hose that is coming out this summer, do check it out, y’all. (Hannah rolls her eyes) Your objective for this room is to unlock that case, retrieve the key, and unlock the door to the next room. The Judges will then vote on who was the least helpful in each room, and that person will be eliminated. Whatever badass bitch makes it to out of The Box with her dignity intact, and her foot non-severed-


SIDRA: What?


BONNIE: Will receive a very special, very non-monetary prize. Good luck!

(Bonnie blows a kiss, and the screen goes dark)


HANNAH: Okay, so we just need to figure out how to open that box, let’s look around.


(Hannah, Sidra, McKenzie, and Judy spread out and start looking around on the ground. Cut to Miles, Whitney and Rob)


MILES: I’m bored.


WHITNEY: It just started!


MILES: This is TV, Whitney, every second counts!


ROB: He’s right, I can feel the eyes gravitating back to the smart phones right now.


(Cut to McKenzie and Hannah feeling a protuberance on the wall)


HANNAH: This is odd, this doesn’t belong here.


MCKENZIE: Yeah, it’s as out of place as that lump I found on my breast a few months ago. (Hannah looks at McKenzie) I cut it off myself, it was fine.


HANNAH: I’m glad you’re okay.


MCKENZIE: Aww, you’re such a sweetheart.


MILES: (On walkie talkie) Excuse me, ladies, we’re gonna need a little more drama!


HANNAH: What do you mean?


MCKENZIE: I got it, Miles! (McKenzie pushes Hannah) This is MY discovery, bitch!


(McKenzie elbows the protuberance, and a little door opens, revealing a jar full of red wine, and a letter)


MILES: (On walkie talkie) That’s the ticket, baby!


(Hannah looks shocked)


HANNAH: Why did you-?


MCKENZIE: Quiet, hoe, and read this. (McKenzie picks up the letter) You can read, right?


(Hannah scoffs, and grabs the letter, and opens it)


HANNAH: It says…fuck, it’s in cursive, I WAS NEVER TAUGHT CURSIVE, GUYS! (To McKenzie) Read it, please?

(Cut to Miles, Whitney and Rob. Rob is looking at his phone)


MILES: See? It’s so much more engaging!


WHITNEY: I don’t know. What do you think, Rob?


(Five second pass as Whitney & Miles stare at Rob while he uses his phone)


ROB: …Fo’ sho’.  (Cut to Whitney pressing B7 on a vending machine in the break room. Rob walks in, wearing sunglasses) What ya gettin’?


(Some Sour Patch Kids dispense)


WHITNEY: I have a sugar craving. Don’t tell Hannah.


(Whitney grabs the bag)


ROB: As a man who has literally never resisted a craving, you can rest assured I will not.


(Whitney opens the bag and eats a few)


WHITNEY: What’s with the sunglasses?


ROB: I did a lot of heavy drinking last night, and-


WHITNEY: The lights?


ROB: No, I think I may have drank myself blind, but I’m not sure yet. Can you guide me to the vending machine?

(Whitney gets a call. She looks at it and the caller ID reads “Her”)


WHITNEY: Shit, I have to take this. (Whitney answers the phone, as Rob feels his way to the vending machine) Mom, what is it?


(Cut to Liz Stone sitting on Whitney’s couch, as Jerome sits by her. Their sweating through their shirts)


LIZ: Whitney, I swear to God, girl, you need to pick up some foot fans for me and your daddy, because the swamp ass around here good enough to go VIRAL!


JEROME: Tell her we filmed the sweat stains and we gonna post that shit to YouTube!


LIZ: It’s gonna get a thousand likes, I swear-


WHITNEY: (On the phone) Guys-


LIZ: Them sweat stains look like Gandhi and I swear a creature of the black lagoon is fixin’ to creep outta your daddy’s shorts-




LIZ: I’m just sayin’, the swamp ass is historic.


WHITNEY: Guys, I’m not flush with money right now, can’t you deal with it?


LIZ: Now, why can’t you ever do somethin’ nice for your parents, why we always gotta beg?


JEROME: Every time!


LIZ: I swear, girl!

(Cut to Whitney. Rob is now eating a Twix behind her)


WHITNEY: Guys, I’ll think about it! I’ll think about it! Christ!


(Whitney hangs up)


ROB: Is your mom being a bitch?


(Whitney turns to Rob)


WHITNEY: No, because that’s a dehumanizing term.


ROB: Fine. She’s being an asshole, but, like, in a female way.


WHITNEY: …Her and my dad just demand things all goddamn day. “I want food!” “I want a hot tub!” “Why can’t we have a trampoline?!” “I hereby demand an investigation into my political enemies”!


ROB: That last one was Trump-


WHITNEY: It’s just so, inconsiderate!


ROB: Well, parents suck. Nobody can help it.


WHITNEY: She lives in my house, Rob.


ROB: At least you’re getting attention from them. I was the product of my mom’s extramarital fair, so my stepdad resents me to this day. Well, actually, he’s losing his goddamn mind, so hopefully he’s forgotten me.


(Awkward silence)


WHITNEY: Is this about Dana?


(Rob swallows the last bit of his Twix)


ROB: …No. It’s nothing.


(Rob walks out of the room. Whitney sighs, and walks out of the room too. Cut to Whitney walking down the hall. Hannah walks up to her)


WHITNEY: Whoa, what the hell are you doing out of The Box?


HANNAH: McKenzie had to go outside to smoke, so they let us out the side door to take a break.


WHITNEY: I always knew reality shows were fake, but, going behind the curtain just makes me sad.


HANNAH: I feel sad for McKenzie’s lungs. She’s gonna look forty in a couple years if she keeps sucking those things down.


WHITNEY: Wait, are you concerned for her lungs or her looks?


HANNAH: Anyway, I just got this bill- (Hannah pulls out a bill) for all the cable channels we pay for, and I thought, I don’t watch any of this shit. Let’s cancel our cable, and just use our Netflix and Hulu subscriptions. Maybe throw in an HBO Go account, and a tasteful Amazon Video. Since we’re a progressive lesbian couple that makes financial decisions together, I figured I’d ask you first before I did it.


WHITNEY: Yeah, that sounds fine. I stopped watching Criminals Minds after I realized, thirteen seasons in, that it’s a terrible show.


HANNAH: Cool. Because I already cancelled it.

(Hannah shrugs)


WHITNEY: Good thing I said “yes” then. (Hannah kisses Whitney on the mouth and walks away. Whitney gets a text from her mom, reading “EMERGENCY- COME NOW”) Shit.


(Whitney runs outside to see McKenzie smoking a cigarette while talking to Noel)


NOEL: And that’s just the epilogue to my life story!


MCKENZIE: Oh my Gosh, do go on!


(Whitney turns to them)


WHITNEY: McKenzie, you might as well smoke the rest of that pack, because my mom texted me there’s an emergency and I have no idea how long this will take.


MCKENZIE: Sounds good to me, hope your mom’s okay.


WHITNEY: I don’t. (To Noel) Intern, you should probably be doing something besides standing out here taking a “not smoke” break.


NOEL: I’m sorry, Ms. Stone, I just wanted to better “get to know” everyone, I think camaraderie is a really invaluable thing towards the goal of an effective workplace, because if you think about it, people don’t-


WHITNEY: I’m leaving, bye! (Whitney goes to the parking lot, and gets in her car, and drives away. Cut to Whitney opening the door to her house, to see Liz and Jerome sitting on the couch, looking at a “Malfunction” message on the TV) Christ, what is the problem!?


LIZ: Christ ain’t got nothin’ to do with this, girl.


JEROME: Why don’t the cable work?


(Whitney sighs)


WHITNEY: Oh dear God, THIS was the emergency?


(Whitney walks further into the living room, and puts her purse down on the coffee table)


LIZ: We wanna watch FOX News, Whitney! Obama sent a sneaky spy to KILL Trump!


WHITNEY: That’s not- that’s not even the lie that people are saying!


JEROME: I heard it on Facebook, Whit.


WHITNEY: The cable doesn’t work because we cancelled it, okay?!


(Jerome stands up)




LIZ: We’re gonna miss our stories, Whitney!


WHITNEY: THAT’S NOT MY PROBLEM! We have Netflix and Hulu! Watch those? Or, hell, if you get bored, why don’t you- (Whitney digs through her purse, takes out her wallet, and places it to the side, and pulls out a Chinese finger trap) play with this?!


(Whitney throws it to them, and storms out of the house, with her purse. Liz and Jerome both stare at the wallet she left behind, and then look at one another. Cut to Rob sitting at a coffee shop, on his phone. A young woman with curly hair, large framed glasses, and a dress, walks over to him)




(Rob stands up)


ROB: Yes, you must be Samantha.


SAMANTHA: That’s right, nice to meet you.


(Samantha extends her hand)


ROB: The pleasure is all mine. (Rob shakes Samantha’s hand, and the two sit down) Samantha, huh? You don’t seem like a “Samantha” to me.


SAMANTHA: What do you mean?


ROB: I feel like you’re just one of those people who don’t look like whatever their name is. You look more like an “Emma”. Can I call you Emma, actually?


SAMANTHA: Alright, goodbye.


(Samantha stands up, prepping to leave)


ROB: What?


(Cut to Rob at a nice restaurant, listening to a young girl, late teens, early twenties, talk. The girl is wearing a Twenty-One Pilots t-shirt)


YOUNG GIRL: So, yeah, basically, I posted the “you played yourself” meme, and left that group chat instantly. Yeah. That’s when I first stood up to my dad.


ROB: How heroic, let me ask you something, how old were you when Princess Diana passed away?


YOUNG GIRL: Which Disney Princess was she? (Rob looks around) What?


ROB: Sorry, I’m just afraid I’m gonna be arrested. (Cut to Rob sitting next to a blonde girl wearing a Star Wars shirt, in a crowded theatre, while they watch “Solo: A Star Wars Story”. He is whispering to her) You know, I never thought Han Solo was all that attractive, I know I’m not supposed to, but I have a good sense of what is considered to be “male attractiveness”, and he just looks boring. As hell.


BLONDE GIRL: (Annoyed) Right.


ROB: People have told me I should be a model, mostly due to my rugged good looks, and, honestly, Rachel, I don’t think Han has that-


RACHEL: Okay, could you-?


ROB: I think he’s prissier than people think. You know?


RACHEL: Dude, I just went on this date because no one would go see “Solo” with me, okay? So, have the common decency to shut up!


(Cut to Rob walking on the beach with a goth chick, wearing a veil, stockings, netting, riddled with piercings, and heavy eye shadow. She’s smoking a clove cigarette while Rob smokes a regular cigarette)


GOTH CHICK: You’re cute, you know that?


ROB: Thank you.


GOTH CHICK: I’d like to put you on my mantle, just above a crackling fireplace- (She imitates the sound of the crackling fireplace) so I could just STARE at you, knowing you could never leave.


ROB: Should I, uh, should I expect this to happen, Lisa?


LISA: No, no, my boy, purely hypothetical. But a girl can dream.


ROB: Did you just call me “your boy”?


(Lisa stops dead in her tracks, turns and grabs Rob’s shoulder)


LISA: Why? Is that too soon?


(Cut to Rob on the set of The Box, wearing sunglasses while sitting next to Whitney and Miles, and observing the monitors that peer into The Box set)


MILES: I’m just saying, there’s no reason, they can’t handle ninety degrees in there.


WHITNEY: There is a LAW that says that, though. National Labor Relations might have something to say about it.


MILES: This is FOX, we operate on the edges of the law, baby.


WHITNEY: Miles, this isn’t skid row filmmaking anymore, we’re not hiring strung out prostitutes to play hula girls in Shark Attack 4D.


MILES: Goddamn, that’s a great idea, can I use that?


WHITNEY: Rob, back me up here. (Silence) …Rob? (Silence. Whitney shoves Rob awake) ROB!

ROB: Agh! Sorry. What’d I miss?


WHITNEY: I thought you were hungover, are you sleeping?


ROB: I’m both. Listen, I agree with Miles, we should hire the prostitutes.


MILES: Thank you!

WHITNEY: How’d the Tinder dates go?


ROB: Horribly. Everything’s terrible. The only good thing about them is they were an excuse to get blackout.


WHITNEY: I’m sorry to hear that.


ROB: Me too. (Rob holds up his phone) This psycho goth chick who I went out with last night is texting me every fifteen minutes. “I enjoyed last night”, “did you enjoy last night”, “I talked to all my snake friends and they said they would’ve enjoyed last night if they were in your shoes”. Constant shit like that.


WHITNEY: Well, instead of bitching, you could be productive and help us make decisions.


ROB: I already made my opinion clear. The rest you can take up with my publicist. I need a smoke.


(Rob gets up and walks away, and Whitney puts her head in her hands)


MILES: He’s a natural, Stone.


(Cut to Rob walking past a storage closet, with a cigarette behind his ear, as Bonnie pokes her head out of the closet door)


BONNIE: Rob, could you, uh…give me a hand?


ROB: …Sure. (Rob walks in and Bonnie closes the door behind him. They’re in a large storage closet, filled with props) What do you need?


BONNIE: You see that, uh, rubber chicken on the shelf? I can’t reach it, I want you to grab it for me.


ROB: Which shelf?


BONNIE: And I don’t want to hear arguments, either.


ROB: Why do you need a-


BONNIE: I just want a little prop humor to liven up the atmosphere, those four saggy cunt hags are going to send boners into retreat with their preachiness, don’t you think?


ROB: Do rubber chickens make men hard?


BONNIE: You assume I know how to make men hard, huh?


ROB: You were a porn star!


(Rob quickly reaches for the chicken, and Bonnie grabs his waist and starts kissing his neck from behind. Bonnie turns him around, and Rob looks shocked)


ROB: Oh my God. Someone’s coming onto ME in the workplace?



(Bonnie and Rob start enthusiastically making out. Bonnie throws Rob against the wall, and begins unbuttoning his shirt, as they continue to make out. Cut to Luther standing around the water cooler, talking to Hannah in the break room, as they sip on cups of water)


HANNAH: Miles is taking this in a direction it doesn’t need to go. McKenzie is the sweetest person alive, but even she’s been lacerating me with her silver tongue.


LUTHER: Be careful about saying shit like that around here.


HANNAH: Why? Because the pervert director will want to film it? Or Rob will want to fuck it?


LUTHER: …Yeah.


HANNAH: Whatever.


LUTHER: At least you live with the producer. Rob made me quit my job, and now I’m barely scraping by. I come here even when I don’t have anything to shoot, just for the free food.


(Luther takes a finger sandwich from a nearby tray and eats it)


HANNAH: Sorry to hear that. I gotta go back into The Box, though. Wish me luck.


LUTHER: I wish us all good luck.


(Hannah walks out of the break room through the front entrance, but Luther exits through the side entrance. He looks down the hallway and notices Rob and Bonnie exiting the prop closet, their hair and clothes disheveled. Luther quickly ducks into the break room, and peers from behind the corner, as Bonnie quickly walks away from Rob, and Rob reluctantly walks away from her, towards the break room. Luther quickly pulls his head back into the break room, and braces as Rob walks by the break room, cheerily whistling. Luther begins to look thoughtful. Cut to Hannah, McKenzie, Judy and Sidra watching Bonnie speak on a TV screen in Room 2 of The Box’s confines. The ground is made up of soil, and there are a group of plants growing, as grow lights are suspended over them. A pile of shovels resides in the corner, a pile of books in the other)


BONNIE: There was a three-way tie for elimination in the last room, which means none of you were eliminated. But the stakes are higher in this room, girls. At the root of one of these plants is the key to the next room. They are all different plants, but one of them is critically endangered. If you pull up this plant, you will be automatically eliminated.


HANNAH: Is this legal-


BONNIE: There are shovels in the corner for your digging, and botany books in the others for your digging on some knowledge. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go take a shower.


(Bonnie walks off screen, and the TV turns off)


HANNAH: Are they allowed to-?


(McKenzie, Judy and Sidra pounce for the botany books, causing Hannah to quickly pounce for one herself. After Sidra and Judy get one, McKenzie and Hannah grab the same book)


MCKENZIE: No, girl, give it up.


HANNAH: Kenzie, we can just share-


(Sidra and Judy start reading up)


MCKENZIE: No, we’re in competition!


HANNAH: McKenzie, we’ll still have to fight over the key, but if we keep bickering, Judy and Sidra are gonna-




MCKENZIE: HAND OVER THE BOOK, YOU’RE GETTING “WHORE” ALL OVER IT!! (Hannah gasps) Oh, what? Are you gonna call your girlfriend to get me fired?


(Hannah lets go of the book)


HANNAH: Yeah, I might just tell on you. Stupid bitch. (Hannah walks to the corner and grabs a shovel, then moseys over to a plant) Keep reading, chode-smokers, because I’m gonna take the proactive route.


(Hannah starts digging under the plant, and an alarm goes off, triggering Bonnie to appear on the TV)


BONNIE: WHOA, queen! You uprooted the endangered Texas Wild Rice plant! Not only are you eliminated, but you might have broken the law!

(Hannah throws down the shovel in anger)



(Cut to Rob, Whitney and Miles in their chairs, watching the monitors. Miles appears delighted, and laughing)


MILES: Now THAT’S fantastic television!


(Hannah walks over to Whitney)


HANNAH: Can I talk to you?


(Whitney looks at Hannah. Cut to Whitney sitting on the desk in her office, while Hannah sits in a chair facing her)


WHITNEY: I’m sorry it happened, but-


HANNAH: McKenzie hurt my feelings in there.


WHITNEY: Hannah, you need thick skin in this industry.


HANNAH: No! NO! Whitney, no! Don’t talk to me like you’re talking to a difficult actress, WE’RE talking!




HANNAH: McKenzie hurt my feelings. Why? Because Miles told her to. Is this what you want? Is this the feminist reality show you’ve always dreamed of?


(Hannah gets up and leaves the office. Whitney looks down, solemnly. Cut to Hannah reading her Nook in the corner of her dressing room. McKenzie walks in. Hannah looks up)




HANNAH: Oh, if it isn’t Queen Cool of the, mean brigade. What, did you get eliminated?


MCKENZIE: Yeah, I did. Hannah, that stuff I said in there about Whitney, that was dumb. I got too into character, and it made me forget how much of an angel you are to me.


(Hannah puts down her Nook)


HANNAH: I understand it was for show, but yeah, you took it a bit too far. I accept-


(Miles walks in with a camera man, shooting footage)


MILES: Ah, the grand confrontation begins, GO!

MCKENZIE: Oh. (McKenzie clears her throat, and points at Hannah) FUCKING SJANK!

(McKenzie goes over and slaps Hannah, Hannah then gets up and pushes her. The two begin cat-fighting on the ground, as Miles’ camera man films)





(Hannah slaps McKenzie)



(McKenzie pulls Hannah’s hair)





(Whitney comes in)




MILES: SHH! Whitney, this is GOOD!


(The camera man stops filming)


MILES: What are ya-?


(McKenzie stops fighting, and stands up with her hands up)


MCKENZIE: Oh my Gosh, I’m sorry, I don’t know what got into me.


(Hannah sits there, stunned, as she stares at McKenzie. Cut to Noel putting pressure on the scratch marks on Hannah’s face, Hannah’s dressing room. He dips a rag in some anti-septic and dabs Hannah’s wounds with it)


NOEL: When I was a kid, I split my lip upon while I was breaking into my principal’s house-


HANNAH: Why’d you-?


NOEL: I wanted to be his friend. I hadn’t learned yet that’s not the way to do it. But learning is what life is all about, people try to act like they know everything, and that learning stops at thirty, but I don’t believe it for a second, learning is a constantly evolving process, I just graduated from High School, and even I know that there are different avenues and methods by which we learn, and to explore those-


HANNAH: I would love to see what you’re like on cocaine.


NOEL: Not huge on drugs, but I totally respect them-


HANNAH: Just, tend to my wounds and be quiet, please? I need peace right now.


NOEL: Can I ask you something?


HANNAH: Did you not hear-?


NOEL: Why isn’t Whitney doing this?


HANNAH: I don’t know, she’s, busy, I guess.


NOEL: Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to do it, it’s just, last I saw her she was just in her office, on her computer.


HANNAH: What was she doing?


NOEL: She was signing an online petition about those kids being separated from their parents at the border. I really hope that petition works, by the way, it’s a terrible thing.


HANNAH: I don’t know. I guess she’s not here because, well, she didn’t really want me on set to begin with.


NOEL: What do you mean?


HANNAH: She didn’t want me to be an actress, she wanted me to be a journalist like her. Or at the very least a writer for this “unscripted” show.


NOEL: So, she resents you?


HANNAH: …Maybe. I don’t know.


NOEL: Well, I don’t want to overstep my bounds, I’ve only been here for a week or two, but anybody who doesn’t put their personal beliefs aside and support their partner’s dreams unconditionally would not get the “Noel Masterson Seal of Approval”.


HANNAH: …Huh. (Cut to “talking head” style interview with Hannah, sitting in front of a potted plant) Whitney thinks she can squeeze me out of this show and use Miles’ depravity as an excuse, I say “screw that”. I’m not going anywhere, bitch. Best get used to it. Especially since I live with you. (Cut to Hannah approaching Whitney near set, with cameras rolling, and Miles following, positively elated) HEY, STONE!

WHITNEY: What the hell is going on?


HANNAH: I’m an actress, whether you like it OR NOT! And I’m not going anywhere.


WHITNEY: Hannah, don’t do this on cam- you’re just playing into Miles’ game!

HANNAH: It’s better than playing into YOUR game! The game of Life, specifically, because I have to be a journalist, no, I have to be a writer! How about I suggest that shit now!? How about YOU become the hooker you always truly were INSIDE!?


(Noel jumps out and blows an air-horn several times)




WHITNEY: I’m REALLY not playing this game, but as a quick aside- and, don’t use this, Miles.


MILES: Oh, I promise.


(Miles smiles devilishly)


WHITNEY: You really suck at expressing what you really want, and maybe if you had done a better job at it before, we wouldn’t be in this situation.


(After an awkward silence, Noel gives the bull horn a squeak)


NOEL: Savage?


(Hannah pushes Whitney)




(The two start slap-fighting, as the cameras film, and Miles salivates with pleasure. Rob walks over too)


ROB: Holy shit, THIS should be the reality show!


MILES: RIGHT?! The show has REVEALED itself to us!

(The cast and crew surround Hannah and Whitney fighting, but Whitney finally pushes Hannah away, and stands up)


WHITNEY: You know what?! No! ENOUGH! SHUT THE CAMERAS OFF OR I’LL MAKE SURE ROSEANNE BARR WOULDN’T HIRE YOU!! (The camera men reluctantly put their cameras down, as the uproar subsides) What are we doing? Look at us! We got this show with one mission in mind; make quality entertainment with a feminist perspective. None of the pandering bullshit, sexist stereotypes, cat fights and male gaze nonsense that pollutes the airwaves. But that’s EXACTLY what we’ve become here. And it’s frankly pathetic. People believe in us, and we’re letting them down. Let’s rise above, huh? Let’s defy the naysayers. Let’s kick Miles Grothman in the balls until they fall off. (Miles furrows his brow) And then let’s get to work making history.


(Everybody starts applauding, except for Miles)


MILES: But not about that part with my balls, right?


HANNAH: I’m sorry, Whitney.


WHITNEY: …Me too.


(Hannah and Whitney hug. As the applause dies down, Judy emerges from The Box, flanked by camera men, holding the bloody pulp of a black ponytail)


JUDY: I have prevailed. Behold my trophy; RIPPED from the scalp of my vanquished foe!


(Everyone looks shocked. Bonnie pushes a giant cake into the shot, as the cameras turn towards her)


BONNIE: (Nervously) Also, congratulations, you get this, as your prize.


(Luther pops out of the cake, shirtless, and flexes)


LUTHER: Did somebody order- oh, holy shit.


(Cut to Rob smoking a cigarette outside the building, as night falls on Los Angeles. Bonnie walks out of the building, and remotely unlocks her car)


ROB: Wait, Bonnie!


(Bonnie turns to Rob)




(Rob takes a step towards her)


ROB: When can I see you again?


(Bonnie squints her eyes)


BONNIE: Uh, tomorrow? At work?


ROB: Right, but, in an intimate, sense? Do you want to go out?


BONNIE: Rob, I’m gonna stop you there. I don’t, date. I haven’t in a long time, and I don’t plan on changing that. I’m sorry you got the wrong impression.


ROB: …You’re sorry I got the wrong impression when you let me inside you?


BONNIE: Yes. I am sorry about that.


(Bonnie gets in her car, and drives away, leaving Rob disheartened. Cut to Rob sitting at home, drinking a cup of whiskey while he watches Marc Brown deliver the local news for ABC 7)


MARC BROWN: A representative for the Kim Government has arrived in New York to meet with U.S. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, in an attempt to salvage a June 12th summit between Kim and President Trump, that was cancelled by the President last week. Pompeo is reportedly looking for assurances that the meeting will not end with Trump and Kim literally strangling each other. In other news, film producer Harvey Weinstein was indicted on rape charges today, dealing a much-needed distraction from Morgan Freeman’s impressive, yet inferior, bid to be the world’s creepiest human being. Roseanne Bar, just hours after being fired by ABC, has blamed the use of Ambien for her racist comment comparing former Obama adviser Valerie Jarret to an “ape”. Harvard researchers are now looking to determine whether a spike in Ambien purchases around the 2016 Election may have been responsible for electing Trump in the first place. This is ABC News.


ROB: I don’t want the real news, this shit is depressing! (Rob changes it to Access Hollywood) There, that’s the good shit, where they might talk about ME! MUAAHAHAHA!


(Clay comes in)


CLAY: Dude, what are you doing?


ROB: Shhh!


(Cut to Natalie Morales, hosting the show in studio)


NATALIE: It has been a busy day here at Access, we have just learned from an anonymous tip, that Robert Altmire, and Bonnie Backlash have a SECRET romance!

ROB: Holy shit.


CLAY: Dude, really? I’ve been wanking to her for years, good on you!


(Clay runs over and holds up his hand)


ROB: No, dude, this is bad, she’s gonna think I called that in!

NATALIE: Thing have apparently gotten hot on the set of his upcoming reality show for FOX, and the clothes apparently, came off, between the disgraced reality show star and the porn star turned TV host.


(Rob mutes the TV)


CLAY: Wait, so you didn’t hit that?


(Rob looks at Clay)


ROB: No, dude, I did, and it was amazing! (Rob high fives Clay) But, she made it clear that it was a one-time thing. I have to get ahead of this. (Rob picks up his phone, but Bonnie calls him. He answers) Damnit, you didn’t let me get ahead of this!

BONNIE: (On the phone) Did YOU leak this!?


ROB: No, I swear! Someone must’ve seen us.


BONNIE: Who would hate you that much- oh, why am I even asking that? There are COUNTLESS people who hate you that much.


ROB: There’s no proof, it’s all innuendo, let’s just put out a joint statement denying it.


BONNIE: Fine. Have your publicist text mine. Goodbye.


(Bonnie hangs up, and Rob throws his cell phone on the table)


ROB: …Goddamnit.


CLAY: Dude, are you sure you want to deny it? I mean, look at her!

(Rob looks at the picture of Bonnie Backlash they’re showing on Access)


ROB: She is beautiful. But, I could lose my job for having sex with an employee.


CLAY: At least let ME fuck her!

ROB: She’s involved in that decision-making process, Clay.


CLAY: …I know.


(Rob takes out his phone and starts texting)


ROB: I just need to tell June to draft a statement.


(A crashing noise is heard out front)


CLAY: What the fuck?


(Rob and Clay hurriedly get up, and rush towards the front door. They open it, and see Lisa getting out of her ’97 Camry with rage in her eyes)






(Lisa marches toward Rob and Clay)




ROB: Lisa, we aren’t-


(Lisa stops at his stoop)




(Lisa tears up)


CLAY: Listen, BITCH- (Clay steps up to her) get the fuck out or expect a world of-


(Lisa knocks Clay out clean with one massive punch. She then pulls out a knife)


ROB: Oh, fuck.


(Rob runs inside, and tries to close the door, but Lisa gets her foot in the way. Rob panics as Lisa chases him with a knife. He jumps on the couch, as Lisa makes stabbing motions at him, ripping up parts of the couch in the process)


LISA: COME GET YOUR REWARD, FUCKFACE! (Rob jumps off the couch, and Lisa pursues. Rob pushes a chair in front of her, and she trips over it. Rob buys time to bolt into his bedroom, as Lisa struggles to get up) EXPLOITING MY BODY SIZE FOR PERSONAL GAIN, HUH, ASSHOLE!?


(Rob darts into the bathroom and locks the door behind him. He then backs up and opens a drawer to find a viable weapon. He takes out a toothbrush with a sharpened point)


ROB: Thank God for Clay’s days in the pen.


(Lisa rams against the door)




(Rob picks up his phone and dials “911”)


ROB: That sounds great, how does 9pm sound?


LISA: That works for me.


(Lisa rams the door with her body again, as Rob puts the phone to his ear)


911 DISPATCHER: 911, what’s your emergency?


ROB: (Whispering) There’s a psycho bitch, I mean, unstable person, at my house at 2302 Stradella Road, please hurry, and maybe bring a wooden stake.


(Rob hangs up)




(Lisa breaks through the door and Rob points his shiv at her)


ROB: LISA! Don’t do this! I just called the police! I live in a rich neighborhood, so they’ll be here REAL fast. Plus, they know me and they like me. SO, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!


LISA: Heh. You really think you can escape your fate, huh? Typical human arrogance.


(Lisa shakes her head, and leaves. Cut to Lisa walking out the door, past Clay’s passed out body. She tosses her knife in the bushes and runs into the dark. Cut to Rob standing in his bathroom. He drops the shiv, and sits on a nearby stool, exhausted. Cut to Whitney filling in an adult coloring book in her office, when she gets a text notification. She checks it, and sees “Wells Fargo Suspicious Account Activity Alert- $580 in the last five hours!” Whitney hurriedly takes out her wallet, and checks to see there’s no credit card in there. She slams the wallet down)


WHITNEY: …Those black lung fucks.


(Cut to Whitney storming into the house, seeing Jerome and Liz sitting in the couch, their feet being soothed by foot fans, and a bottle of Johnny Walker Red gracing the coffee table, as they watch Sean Hannity on FOX News)


SEAN HANNITY: It’s amazing, people are racist to Donald Trump all the time, but Roseanne compares one black person to an ape, and gets fired? Sounds like double standards to my ears. Coming up, did President Obama order ABC to fire Roseanne? And why did Jeff Sessions recuse himself from the decision to fire Roseanne? Stay with us.


(Whitney bursts in and shuts off the TV)


JEROME: Damn, honey, what are you-?




LIZ: Hon, you refused to do even-




JEROME: Now, hold on, don’t talk to your mother like that, she pushed you out her vagina-hole and brought you into this world-


(Whitney grabs Jerome’s wallet and pulls out her credit card)


WHITNEY: You selfish, immature people. How did I manage to be successful with you two thugs at the wheel?


(Whitney goes over to the fridge. Jerome stands up)


JEROME: Apologize to us, young lady! (Whitney takes out a bottle of Vodka and starts pouring it down the sink) NO!


(Liz stands up)


LIZ: Whitney, listen to reason! How am I gonna get to sleep now? Ambien turns ya racist, can’t do that!

(Whitney finishes pouring out the vodka, and grabs a bottle of rum and starts pouring it down the drain)


WHITNEY: You wanna throw my money down the drain, why don’t we force the metaphor?!


(Whitney finishes pouring the rum. Whitney walks over to the Johnny Walker Red, but Liz grabs it)




WHITNEY: Mom, my money bought that shit, so that shit is MINE.


LIZ: I WON’T LET YOU, YOU’LL HAVE TO KILL ME FIRST! You hear this? She’s gonna KILL her own mother!




(Whitney grabs the foot fans, and smashes them against the floor)



LIZ: You’re a monster!

JEROME: Why the hell didn’t you just return all this stuff, instead of destroying it?!


(Whitney pauses for a second and thinks)


WHITNEY: …Because, fuck you guys.


(Whitney storms into her bathroom)



(Cut to Whitney drawing a bath, getting undressed, and slipping into it. Cut to Hannah walking in to the house, to see the destruction that has been wrought, as Jerome and Liz sit on the couch, aggravated)


HANNAH: What the hell happened here?!


(Jerome stands up)


JEROME: Hannah, honey, we bought some things, and Hannah destroyed them, like a deranged lunatic.


(Liz stands up)


LIZ: We’re honestly worried about her.


JEROME: Yes, she’s been very prone to anger, and violence.


HANNAH: Where’s she now?


JEROME: In her bathroom. I’m serious, Hannah, you should consider getting her evaluated, a screw has come loose, and she’s off the rails.


LIZ: Probably something to deal with those unladylike books she been pokin’ her pretty little head in!

JEROME: She’s unhinged, you gotta do something.


HANNAH: Huh. (Hannah nods for a second, and then slaps Jerome across the face. Lisa gasps) I’ll talk to her.


(Hannah walks away, leaving Jerome and Liz stunned. Cut to Whitney in the tub. A faint knock is heard at the door)


WHITNEY: Hannah?


HANNAH: It’s me.


WHITNEY: Come in.


(Hannah comes in and closes the door behind her)


HANNAH: I just slapped your dad.


(Whitney chuckles)


WHITNEY: You’re not the first, and you won’t be the last. The first was at the West Virginia Gravy Boat Cotillion in ’83, for the record.


HANNAH: Do you mind? (Whitney nods, and Hannah undresses, and joins her in the bathtub) I’m sorry I overreacted today.


WHITNEY: Don’t, it’s in the past. Honestly, you’re right, I wasn’t thrilled about you acting. I think you have a real knack for writing, but, I’m going to support you in whatever you do. One hundred percent.


HANNAH: …Thank you. But, what about those two out there? Gonna support them?


WHITNEY: They’re my parents. But I’m not entitled to let them live with me, and honestly, I can’t do it anymore.


HANNAH: You’re gonna kick them out?


WHITNEY: They’re kicking themselves out. I mean, they forced me to pour rum down the sink today, I could’ve drank that shit if it weren’t for them! (Hannah smirks, and she leans over and kisses Whitney. Then, Whitney’s phone, on the stone tile floor, vibrates, displaying Rob’s name) Hand me that? (Hannah nods and picks up the phone. She hands it to Whitney) Hello?


(Cut to Rob sitting in his living room, on the phone, pouring himself a cup of whiskey, while Clay rests on a nearby chair with a slab of meat on his forehead, still passed out)


ROB: Whitney?


WHITNEY: (On the phone) Yes?


ROB: You know that conversation we had the other day? About my parents?


WHITNEY: …I guess-


ROB: Well, you were right. It was about Dana.


WHITNEY: Rob, I’m not sure I-


ROB: I’ve felt, rejected. My whole life. And now… (Rob tears up) now, I can’t help but think one of my sperms got a second chance for me, only to be snuffed out.


WHITNEY: I know. But, Rob, people love you. Even after everything, people loved your shows, and they’re gonna love you behind the camera too.


ROB: Just not love me ever enough to be close to me. Or if they are, they’ll be too close. Like, within stabbing distance.


WHITNEY: What happened?


(Rob takes a deep breath, and wipes away a few of his tears)


ROB: …I’ll tell you later. I have to go.


(Rob hangs up, takes out a pack of cigarettes, pulls one out, puts it in his mouth, and lights it, only to start crying. He puts his head in his hands, as he sobs. We gradually pull in on Clay’s face, as he begins to wake up, and looks with surprise and discomfort, at Rob as he cries. Cut to black)



© Copyright 2019 NEONETWORK. All rights reserved.

Add Your Comments: