Illusions.

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: May 31, 2018

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Submitted: May 31, 2018

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« I’m sorry, I just feel unmotivated about our relationship »

I've never learned the best way to deal with a breakup. I don’t know if it’s actually possible to completely get over someone. My brain doesn’t get the concept of moving on. Maybe it’s because I get too emotionally attached to people. I feel like whenever someone comes into my life, I offer them a piece of my soul as a welcome gift. The size of that piece varies from person to person. But I know that I gave one hell of a piece to the unmotivated guy.

The timing of his decision is a bit funny. I got terribly sick and I’m passing my finals, yet here he is, sharing his “unmotivation”. I am not blaming him though, I know the feeling of being trapped in a relationship and not knowing your way out. But maybe I’m just shocked, since I was under the illusion that everything was going well and that we were a perfect couple.

Sigmund Freud once said “Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces”. Well.. Maybe I didn't quite get to the acceptance part. I was so in denial that I ignored all the signs and didn't realize that he has been thinking about breaking it up for at least 3 weeks.

I always got him an excuse, I don’t know why. As cliché as this may sound, I saw him as an angel. And in my eyes he was always too innocent and sweet that even when he does a bad thing I just always find a way to forgive him. Could that be the reason behind this break up? Could this confirm my theory that a relationship cannot survive without game-playing? Because I kind of threw all the rules behind me. I let myself wide open, and I stopped playing and messing around. I didn’t have the famous back-up plan. It was just me and him. I was ready to fight for him, against everyone. I loved him, and I love him still.

While trying to find the reason behind his decison, a memory crossed my mind. 3 weeks ago, I had my first and hopefully last “get drunk experience”, at his place, and I shared things that shouldn’t be shared. And I’m thinking, could that be the thing that freaked him out? I never wanted to share that with him. Not now at least. But damn it alcohol! Do you always have to mess things up?

I don’t want to believe that that’s true. He’s too mature to judge me for something that wasn’t my fault. Isn’t he? Well I’d like to believe that he is. It can be just another illusion, I know. But I want to stick with this one.

Maybe this is how my defense mechanism works. Maybe I need these illusions to disguise the emptiness and anger within. I am well aware now that they will do nothing but mentally destroy me, as nothing can be more painful than the death of an illusion.

One thing I know for sure is that I have to change my ways. I have to try to sober up and face reality, with its horrific ugliness, and mesmerizing beauty.  Maybe he did me a favor, maybe this was my wake up call. I’m 21, and I should act like it. Explore life and most importantly explore myself. It has been a while since I started feeling that this relationship was making me too dependent and that I was somehow loosing my individuality. Perhaps putting an end to it will put me back on track. At least that's what I would like to believe .


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