I'm mad.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic


On the spot short essay, expressing my thoughts as they flew through my mind.

Submitted: June 02, 2018

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Submitted: June 02, 2018

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I’m mad.

Why? How did it happen? When?

All I know is, my stepdad is drunk again which means there’s a certain tension in the house. He’s not violent. He’s not abusive. He’s just drunk. Again. And again. And again.

He’s sad and angry. I thought I was. Nah, I’m not mad, I am disappointed though. He said he wouldn’t do it again. My mom tries to believe him but she can’t deceive herself and she definitely can’t deceive me. I feel it in my body, it’s flowing through my blood reaching the core of my bones every single time. It makes me sick. I feel like throwing up.

The moment has passed…I think. No, still here. Dammit. I want it gone. I want it gone so much, it’s distracting me. I was supposed to be studying right now. I can’t focus on the material, I wish I could. It’s a tough oral exam I have to take tomorrow. I hope I don’t fail. If I do my mom is going to be disappointed again. I can’t tell her why I can’t concentrate. It would break her, she already thinks she is a bad mother for taking my brother and me to this tiny village. She is not a bad mom, in fact, she’s a great one. An exceptional one. Always took care of me and my older brother, especially when they broke up with my dad. I miss him. He’s around. Sometimes. He…I love him but I don’t get him. He hasn’t had a job for the past 10 and so years. It’s not fair to my mom, she deserves the money. She used to work two jobs while he did none. Fool. He let an amazing woman past him. That’s in the past. I’m trying to figure out why I’m mad right now. Ah, my stepdad. He can be a great guy but he’s too good friends with alcohol. At least he started to realize it again. He used to be sober but my mom doesn’t have a job anymore. She runs a small store, doesn’t get the most business. So he pays for mostly everything. I get it. He’s constantly stressed, each month is a battle for itself but it still pisses me off so much when he drinks. It’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to my mom. I wonder what will happen earlier, him stopping or them getting a divorce. I don’t want them to get a divorce. They love each other so much but I can’t handle it anymore. It’s too much. Been going on for too long.

I’m not mad.

How come? Why the sudden change of heart? Is it because I realized it’s not easy for him or because it’s just not worth it anymore. Hmm?

I still feel a little sick. The feeling of puking hasn’t gone completely away. Maybe soon. I hope soon. It better be soon. I need to learn 3 years of world literature. That’s approximately 250 pages. I’m going to fail this so hard tomorrow. Excuse? No, I said I wouldn’t procrastinate. Well, me writing this is basically procrastinating. I’ll stop. Just a few lines though. Until this song finishes. God, I love Kaleo so much. Modern blues. Amazing. Hopefully, I’ll get to see them in the summer.

Three minutes left. What can I write in three minutes? I guess just babble to pass the time, my superpower. Hah. Not the best thing to be good at. Just wastes time.

I do feel a little better. Hopefully, I’ll be able to concentrate now. And the finishing lines of the song. That guitar is just…

 


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