Vampire woes

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic


An absurd telling of a classic tale. Or "If you make it dumb, they will read it." MoonYu



Cover by Created by 0melapics - Freepik.com

Submitted: June 02, 2018

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Submitted: June 02, 2018

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In the inky blackness a form moved against the night sky. The low hanging fog drifted aside and quickly collapsed again in behind it. The form moved with quick, purposeful strides towards its destination. Up ahead was a lone cottage on the moors. A light shimmered in the darkness and the form stopped for moment to observe through the window before again moving up to the door and knocking.

Who is it?” Came a voice from inside.

Count Victor Dracule.” Victor responded and he could hear the locks being turned and the door opened flooding him in light.

Ah Count! How nice of you to join me this evening.” Dirk Austin said as he stood side to let the Count into his tiny abode. “But to be out on such a cold and damp night! Surely you will come down with a cold!”

No need to worry about me Dirk.” Victor smiled. Dirk admired Dracule's long canine teeth.

Wish I could get mine that white.” Dirk said to Victor, “You must use one of those whiting toothpastes.”

Ah.., yes.” Victor said and looked around. “Do I smell garlic?”

Yeah, but not fresh garlic I'm afraid. I love the stuff, but currently I out so I cracked open a garlic scented air fresher.” Dirk held up the plastic bulb of garlic and then took a long whiff of it. “Aaaaaaaaa.” He held it out to VictorDoom, but he politely declined.

No thank you. It disagrees with me.” He admitted and looked around for a chair to sit in. There was the one old recliner near the fireplace, but it was threadbare. The only other seat was a stool next to a rickety looking table with a steaming pot of something that smelled like cabbage on it. Dracule sighed and sat down on the stool. He could feel the poor craftsmanship through his butt.

Well, I wish you had called first.” Dirk said and flipped open his cellphone. He frowned at his recent calls log. All sex line calls. He wish they would leave him alone! They were eating up his minutes.

You get service out here?” Victor was impressed. His service was spotty at best on the moors.

Meh.” Dirk said and tossed his phone aside. “Hardly worth it. Only one that ever calls is Scotty McDonald and all he does is drone on and on about how everything I say is wrong. How a simple muck farmer like myself doesn't know shit about anything.”

He has a point Dirk. I read your review of his article on Plato, Socrates and other assholes in history.” Victor shifted in his seat. One of the nails was loose and kept pinching his ass.

And?” Dirk turned red faced. “He totally ripped off chapter 3 from Mad Libs 9!” Dirk went to his bookcase and took down two books. He opened each for Victor to inspect.

I'll be damn...” Victor used a finger on each hand to read back and forth between the two works. When he got to the bottom of the page he looked up at Dirk. “You put down Pwned as a noun?” Dirk flared again and snatched away the book.

That was Tommy Hildier being an ass at my last party!” Dirk frowned at the page. Two whole puzzles ruined!

I'm sorry to hear that Dirk. But I really hate to tell you I must eat and run.” Victor stood up and heard his pants rip as the cloth was caught on the nail. “Son of a Bitch!”

Yeah, I'm sorry too. Sorry I didn't invite you in for dinner for one.” Dirk sneered and opened the door to the night.

Oh but you did.” Victor said and suddenly the lights went out!

 

 

What just happened?” Victor exclaimed!

Blew another fuse. Damn old houses.” Dirk said and bumped into something that made him swear. “Give me a hand would you? Count?” But Count Victor Dracule was quiet. “Dracule? You trying to give me a hicky?” Dirk asked just before his expression changed as the teeth struck!

In the darkness, Dirk's lifeless body fell to the ground and Victor looked around for something to wipe his mouth with. Dirk had an awful aftertaste and he needed a drink to wash it away.

 

 

 

Phil” Dan Helsinger said by way of greeting.

M'crackin.” Von Fronkestein replied and they both smiled. “What's up dude?”

Another killing.” Helsinger said and picked up a jar with a brain inside it. “Anyone I know?” He joked.

Only if you remember Jerry.” Fronkestein said and went back to warming up his machine.

Doesn't ring a bell.” Helsinger said and put the brain back down, “So how goes the experiment?” He looked at the body strapped to the gurney. It was horrific looking.

Another failure I'm afraid. I tried everything, but Marvin just keeps ruining everything shortly after I bring him back.” Fronkestein looked tired, but flicked the on switch again. Huge bolts of electricity jumped from the coils to the lifeless body of Marvin. Slowly Marvin's eyes opened and Fronkestein turned the power off. “Marvin!” He shouted into Marvin's ear. “What does Marvin want?”

Marvin want to dance!” Marvin bellowed and began trying to do the worm. Fronkestein sighed and hit the power button again. This time Marvin's eyes slowly closed as the huge bolts struck him.

Could have been worse.” Fronkestein told Helsinger, “Last time he tried to sing.” The thought of it made Helsinger shudder.

Maybe you should start fresh, you know with a better looking body.” He said trying to be helpful.

Hmmmm.” Fronkestein said mostly to himself. He was lost in thought. “Wonder if I can get him on a reality show...”

Fronkestein!” Helsinger raised his voice to snap Fronkestein back to the present.

Oh yes? Sorry!” Fronkestein apologized.

While I love your experiments, I have another dead body that has been completely drained of blood and money.” Helsinger told him.

Sounds like a Vampire.” Fronkestein said.

A what?” Helsinger asked, He hadn't paid attention in Monster class.

A Vampire. A bloodsucker.” Fronkestein tried to explain, but Helsinger wasn't getting it. “The undead. Ah.., the Damned!”

No need to swear.” Helsinger said and picked up another jar. “What's this?”

Pickles.” Fronkestein said and opened the lid and took one out and bit into it.

Disgusting.” Helsinger said, “So what is a Vampire again?” Fronkestein stopped mid chew and just stared at Helsinger. “What?” said under the glare as Fronkestein made a show out of slowly finishing the pickle before answering.

Maybe you should ask Lord Lupus.” Fronkestein offered in a terse tone. “Now if you will excuse me, I'm busy.” And he threw the switches again as the electricity crackled and spat as it hit Marvin's body. Slowly his eyes opened again.

What does Marvin want?” Fronkestein shouted into his ear again.

Marvin want new long distance carrier!” Marvin bellowed.

Fuck me.” Fronkestein said to himself and began beating Marvin with a cane.

Marvin very interested in extended protection warranty!” Marvin screamed and Fronkestein sighed as he gave up on the cane and fired the machine up again.

Fucking cheap gear!” Fronkestein exclaimed.

Who did you order it from?” Helsinger asked. Fronkestein picked a magazine off a table and tossed it to Helsinger. Helsinger read the title. Mad Scientist Monthly. Circled on the back page was an add for Crazy Cronk's Discount Lab Equipment. “You trusted an ad in this rag?” Helsinger shook his head and wrote down an internet address. “Try Honest Hyaon's House of Horrors. You can get some great deals on over stocks and discontinued equipment there.” Fronkestein took the address and looked at it. PuppiesandRainbows.net. He folded it and put it in his pocket.

Thanks. Now I suggest you go and ask Lupus about your murders.” Fronkestein opened the door and waited for Helsinger to get the hint.

Lupus is the murder?” Helsinger was confused, “But he seems so nice. I mean minus the wet dog smell.” Fronkestein bit the inside of his mouth before answering.

No. he is not the murder. You will want to talk to Lord Lupus about the murders though. He should be able to explain to you,” Fronkestein paused briefly, “Or not.” He added with a sigh, “What Vampires are.” Fronkestein again tried to motion Helsinger out the door.

Marvin want family plan!” Came from behind them as Helsinger finally made his way to the door.

Have you tried fire?” Helsinger asked as he exited. Fronkestein slammed the door in Helsinger's face before he answer to the door.

No.”

Marvin want!”

Shut the fuck up already!” Screamed Fronkestein and he threw the switch again to no avail.

 

 

 

Count Dracule rose from his coffin and step out of it onto a pile of laundry. He stood there with one foot still in his coffin and one of the pile of his clean clothes and pursed his lips.

Frederick!” He hollared into the air.

Yeah?” Came the distant reply.

Get your ass in here Frederick!” Victor commanded.

My show's on.” came back again from a distance. Victor stepped back into his coffin and then out the other side and looked at the dirty footprint right on top of his favorite cloak. He was already not feeling well. Dirk Austin had eaten way too much cabbage lately and that always gave Dracule the worst gas. It wouldn't have been so bad, but in an inclosed coffin, it was magnified.

He reached down and picked up his cloak. He held it between two fingers like it was a dead skunk or something and went to find The Frederick. He found Frederick curled up under a blanket watching T.V. He tossed the cloak in front of him, but Frederick never flinched.

Notice something wrong?” Dracule said a menacing voice.

Yeah, you're talking during my show.” Frederick replied and sighed as a commercial came on. He finally looked down at the cloak and sighed again. “You know I just washed that!”

And if you had put it away properly, I wouldn't have stepped on it!” Dracule Exclaimed. His eyes turned a fiery red and wisps of steam came off his head.

Then you should get a maid or something.” Frederick said and dropped the cloak back to the floor, “I'm your gardener.”

I don't need a gardener!” Victor boomed! His shape began to change. Horns sprouted from his head and his skin began to turn black.

Then you should have bitten a butler.” Frederick said and turned the volume up as his show came back on. “Or a wife.” He added and Dracule stopped his transformation and thought for a moment.

A wife?” He wondered, “Huh?” He left Frederick sitting there and went in search of something to wear for tonight.

 

 

 

Lord Lupus.” Helsinger extended his hand, but Lupus looked at it like it was a week old dead fish.

Yes. Fronkestein told me you would be by Dan Helsinger.” Lupus kept his hands close to his face and seemed slightly offended for some reason. “Something wrong?”

No. Sorry.” Lupus looked unnerved, “I just...” He tried to find the right words.

Ah, never mind.” Helsinger interrupted, “I need to learn what I can about, eh, Vampires?”

Vampires!” Lupus suddenly looked relieved. “Oh thank God! I thought you were here about the Werewolf sightings.

Werewolf?” Helsinger asked and sat down on a comfortable looking chair. “Do you smell wet dog?”

I ah, no. No wet dogs here!” Lupus said nervously. “No Werewolves either!”

Is there a window open or something?” Helsinger looked around the home and shrugged, “Strange.”

Oh yes! This home is plenty strange!” Lupus said in a too hurried voice, wringing his hands. “Oh the stories these wall could tell!” He stopped and got a worried look on his face again, “Not that there is anyone walled in them I assure you!” Helsinger wasn't listening, but was thumbing through a pet supply catalog.

You sure you don't have a dog? There are a bunch of dog toys circled in this.” Helsinger held up the open page. On it were several circled items including one circled several times. “Why would someone want to buy their dog a doggie sex toy?” Helsinger shook his head. Some people were more perverted than him. Not many, but when he came across them he felt left out somehow.

No!” Lupus snatched the catalog away and shoved it into a trash can. “No, someone has.., been..., ah..., leaving that on my doorstep..., Yeah that's it!” Lupus's face brightened, but he still had to wipe the sweat from his brow.

Anyway Lupus, is your hair getting longer?” Helsinger peered closer at Lupus's face and Lupus took a step back and Helsinger started again, “Anyway, what can you tell me about, ah...” He couldn't think of the word again.

Vampires?” Lupus offered.

Yeah right!” Helsinger started feeling around himself, patting his pockets, “I really should write that down.”

Here.” Lupus handed Helsinger a large old moldy book. Helsinger didn't like it one bit. No one said there would be reading. Lupus could see Helsinger's expression and sighed and took the book back. He then opened a cabinet and took out a comic book and handed that to Helsinger. Helsinger smiled.

Now that's more like it!” He grabbed the comic book and flipped the pages, “What's with the neck biting? Some kind of pervert?” Lupus sighed again and thought about just saying yes to every question from here on out, but he tried again.

Vampires need to drink human blood several times a year or they will pass away. They bite the neck due to the blood flow there.” Lupus told Helsinger, but Helsinger was frowning, “Problem?” Lupus asked.

I was just hoping it was something perverted. I'm getting tired of the goat porn.” He flipped through the comic again and set on the table. “Well thanks for the help. I guess.” He looked around again and sniffed. “You sure you don't have a dog?”

 

Still not a new Chapter

 

Helsinger left Lupus's place and kicked at the empty dog food containers that littered the ground. “Another waste of time.” He said to himself. Somewhere behind him he could hear a dog howling. “Bitch.” He said again to himself and had a thought. It was late, but his friend Vakirauta always seemed to be up late while working at the Egyptian museum nearby. He would also have some great coffee brewing and Helsinger could use a cup right now if only for the aroma to get rid of the god awful dog smell.

Helsinger arrived at the museum and tried the door. It was locked as usual. So instead he stepped through the broken glass that the door had been made of. Someone really should fix that. He thought. He went to the stairs and headed for the sub basement where Vakirauta was always to be found tinkering with this or that.

Yo bitch.” Helsinger said by way of greeting. Vakirauta was dressed in his normal Pharaoh’s outfit and sitting on a throne of gold.

Greetings and salutations dickhead.” Vakirauta smiled as he said it, “Have you come to bow before my might finally?”

Some other time Vak.” Helsinger kicked at the pile of rags on the floor. There were more rags hanging out of the sarcophagus to the left. “Cleaning crew still on strike?”

I'm afraid they won't be coming back.” Vakirauta said and pushed a well worn pair of cheap shoes to the side slowly hoping Helsinger wouldn't notice.

Yeah, whatever. Coffee ready?” Helsinger could smell the delicious heavenly scent of the finest Ethiopian coffee.

Help yourself.” Vakirauta waved his scepter towards the pot in the corner, “Mind the bones on the floor.” Helsinger stepped carefully over the bones that had a security guard's uniform on it.

Oh man! That hits the spot!” Helsinger inhaled more of the steam coming from his cup. He took his coffee and a second cup and stepped over the bones again. He could see several over piles of bones around the lab. “Hard to get good help these days.”

You have no idea.” Vakirauta said and took the other cup Helsinger had brought with him. “To immorality.” Vakirauta said and sipped his coffee.

Anyway Vak. I got a case I'm working on. Fronkestein thinks I got a vampire on the loose.” Helsinger smelled his coffee again and closed his eyes. It was almost as good as whiskey some days. Not many, but on occasion.

A vampire? Here?” Vakirauta looked confused. “I thought they lived in Romania or something.”

Doesn't mean they have to stay there.” Helsinger said and Vakirauta nodded. “So what do you know about them?”

Not that much.” Vakirauta admitted, “Just the usual, good with the ladies, sharp dressers, well sharp clothes, but they can't dress themselves for shit.”

Why not?” Helsinger asked.

Something about mirrors. Anywhoooo, they have a thing for blood.” Vakirauta frowned and looked at the pile of bones by the window, “Why waste all that flesh?” He said mostly to himself.

Thanks Vaki, but can you direct me to someone that knows where I can find a Vampire? I really need to get going on this case.” Helsinger looked down at his smartphone. He had three thousand emails. All of them penis enlargement ads from a company called Spoonman's House of Boners. He sighed and began deleting the emails, but more kept pouring in. “You sign up for a free trial and boom. They never let you go.”

You think that is bad, I get emails from Cronk's Cadaver Catering services and Uptem's Retired Monsters Retirement fund constantly. I can't even surf the net anymore looking for goats.” Vakirauta slumped in his throne. “I miss goats.”

Ahhh, yeah. Goats.” Helsinger blushed and looked everywhere except at Vakirauta. “I really need to be going now, so if you have a name....?” He still refused to look directly at Vakirauta.

Try Lupus.” Vakirauta said and sighed as he put his tablet down again. “One goat! Is that too much to ask?” Helsinger finally looked back at Vakirauta.

I just came from Lupus's place.” Helsinger told him.

Yeah, I should have guessed. The wet dog smell.” They both nodded and Vakirauta thought some more. “Ever meet Dracule? He might know something.”

 

 

 

Helsinger left the museum and headed out towards Count Dracule's castle. The ground was damp from a passing shower and the air had a chill to it now that the sun had gone down. Not that Helsinger noticed. He was preoccupied with the Chinese finger trap stuck to his fingers. “Stupid trick.” He muttered to himself as he took the shortcut through the cemetery.

Need a hand?” A small voice called out from the darkness and Helsinger stopped unable to locate the source of the question.

Huh?” He asked.

You seem to have a problem. Might I help you solve it?” The voice inquired, but again it was everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

Helsinger closed one eye and looked around quickly before opening it again and then did a little hop to the left before doing a small step to the right. “Come again?” He asked the night.

Oh sorry, forgot I was still immaterial.” The voice said as a dark form grew in size before him.

Hey Drew Lane!” Helsinger tried to hold his hand out to shake Lane's, but the finger trap made that a futile motion. But Lane smiled, its teeth glowing a faint pale red in the clearing night air.

Allow me.” It said and a whoosh of air and a blur of motion forced Helsinger to take a step back, but to regain his balance he put his arms out and was amazed. His fingers were free of the trap! Sort of.

Thanks man.” Helsinger replied as he tried in vain to remove the two half's of the trap off his fingers now that his hands were free. “Anyway, how's things? Haven't seen you like forever.”

Oh, I've been here, mostly haunting people's dreams. Its a job, you know?” Lane said as it began to lose its solid body. “Not that there is a lot of money in haunting anymore.”

Helsinger nodded like he understood, but he was actually still pulling at the remains of the trap. He started to say something else to hide his efforts, but movement caught his eye. “Hey is that John Keys?”

Drew Lane never turned, but somehow its face reversed and back again. “Yes, he has been sulking around this place ever since Charan was expelled.

Really let himself go.” Helsinger pointed out.

No, he's always sulked. Its just his thing.” Lane explained, but its voice began to drift away as the form faded. “Got to go now, people to scare, place to be, you understand.”

Not really.” Helsinger retorted, but Lane was gone again. With a sigh as he tried pulling the left half of the trap off using his teeth, Helsinger set out again towards the castle. He paused to wave at John Keys, but Keys just ignored him.

 

Back at the Castle, Victor was trying hard to impress Cleo, but was failing badly. It didn't help that Frederick was in one of his moods and refused to cook the menu Victor had set out. So at the moment they were sharing small talk around a course of mostly cold french fries from Uptem's Up yours Burgers as they still delivered.

As Victor slowly swirled his fry through the congealed blood his had tried dipping them in to make them more palatable, Cleo just sat there staring at him. It took a few moments before Victor noticed and asked her if there was a problem.

I was just wondering who dresses you.” Cleo said as she swept one of her snakes out of her eyes. Victor paused as he thought about what she had just said, but he had small piece of the delivery driver stuck under his fang and he kept cutting his tongue trying to work it out.

Did I miss a button again?” Victor wondered as he searched his shirt for free button hole.

No, its just everything is not quite right.” Cleo replied as she fed the snake that wouldn't leave her alone a cold french fry. Only instead of bribing it to go away, it attracted the rest of the snakes that covered her head.

Yeah, I got a problem with mirrors and Frederick refuses to help.” Victor explained as he finally gave up and reached in with his fingers to remove the earring stuck to his fang. “I miss when only pirates wore these damn things.” He said, but mostly just to himself.

Listen Dracule, thank you for the meal, but I really must get going. I need to wash my snakes tonight.” Cleo lied.

Victor wanted to protest, but sat there not knowing what to say next.

Master, Dan Helsinger is here to see you.” Frederick shouted from his sofa. He hooked a thumb at Helsinger to inform him which way to the dinning room.

Well show him in!” Victor shouted over his shoulder as he helped Cleo put on her cloak. The snakes made pulling the hood up a pain, but they got it right just as Helsinger walked in.

Yo Cleo.” He said as he tried to tip his hat to Cleo before he remembered that he doesn't wear a hat. “How's your sister?”

Ravenous as usual.” Cleo said without turning to say goodbye to Victor. She quickly disappeared into the night while Victor and Helsinger stood there watching her form until it vanished.

Great ass.” Victor said with a trace of regret in his voice.

Thanks.” Helsinger answered and ran his hands over his butt.

Huh?” Dracule blinked several times until he realized what Helsinger had just said. “Oh No! No, no, no.” He shuddered as he walked back towards the den.

Women problems huh?” Helsinger asked, following Victor into the den and helping himself to some wine. “Wow, lots of iron in this vintage.”

Listen Dan, I think I know why you are here.” Victor said as he prepared to fight the much large man.

Did Fronkestein call you? I really could use some help with something called...” Helsinger paused and ran his hands over his coat and checked his pockets. “Where did I write that down?” Victor eyed Helsinger with suspicion, but reached out and grabbed Helsinger's left arm and twisted it lightly so Helsinger could read the writing on his left hand. “Ah yes, Vampires.”

Victor thought briefly before he spoke. “I will tell you about vampires if you tell me how to impress women.”

Deal.” Helsinger said with a grin.

Right, vampires don't exist. Dracule told him. There is one Vampire and only one vampire and most of the folklore around him is made up by people he hasn't killed.”

Folklore?” Helsinger winced, he had hoped for a simple two or three word answer. Like They are monsters.

First, garlic doesn't repel the Vampire, he just doesn't like it much. Gives him really bad gas. Two sunlight will not kill the Vampire, he just burns easily and prefers to sleep in. And let's face it, daytime TV blows. And the cross is just crap. The Vampire use to be a Christian too. It wasn't until later in his life that he questioned his religion. Just didn't vibe with killing people for their blood you know.”

For their blood? Euuuu!” Helsinger made a face before refilling his glass. “I like this wine. Lots of body.”

Glad you like him, it.” Dracule corrected himself quickly, but Helsinger missed it. “Anyway, is there anything else I can you with?”

No. I'm thinking this chasing down the killer is best left to the police anyway. I mean what's an accountant going to do even if he catches up to the killer?” Helsinger admitted. “Do his taxes?”

You do taxes?” Victor was impressed, but remembered something. “Our deal first Helsinger. How can I impress women?”

Shit, that's simple.” Helsinger said and leaned in close to Victor. Dracule leaned in to hear this secret that had eluded him for so long. “Tell them you're rich.”

 

 

Thank God it's over!


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