Suicider

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Science Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic


The origin story of the antihero Suicider

Submitted: June 03, 2018

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Submitted: June 03, 2018

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I am now 25 years old. That is 7 years older than I intended to ever be but I guess it can't be helped. Then again, 7 years ago I never would have thought that my days would be spent hunting down criminals. It's funny how sometimes life just plays the sickest joke it can think of on you and then just leaves you alone to pick up the rubble. I still keep that photo of Gabriel in my pocket and I don't think I'll ever let go of it. Don't get me wrong, I tried getting over him but I don't think I'll ever be able to do that after what he did. Even this suit I wear only serves as a reminder of what I had lost only because I was too stupid to appreciate the things in life that truly had value. Even though I made a lot of progress in the last few years, I'm not sure I'll be able to take of this mask yet.

I think it's funny how, even in death, I still wanted to look presentable. I'm not really sure what made me want to dawn a all white suit, I guess I just wanted to look good for the one person who still cared about me. Now that I think about it he did always love a man in a suit but his opinion probably changed after seeing me with my wrists cut up the way they were. It really was a shame, the sleeves of that beautiful white suit colored red by the blood coming out of my hands. I could have just done it dressed in a regular shirt and pants but that suit just drew me to it for some reason. It was most likely my subconcious, reminding me of that time we walked down the street next to the shop where I bought it. I couldn't remember at the time, but I remember it as clearly as ever now. Gabriel telling me how amazing I would look in the pearl white suit and how it was practically made for me. I also remember my promise to him that I would one day, just for his enjoyment, wear the suit. In a way I did fulfill my promise, just not the way anyone expected.

Maybe you know what it feels like to lose a loved one, maybe you even know what it feels like to have the only person you care about taken from you by someone else and maybe you even know the feeling of pure hatered towards the person who took them from you. I want you to think for a second and tell me, what would you do if you had to look at the face of the one that killed the only person you ever truly loved all the time? Would you try to ignore it? Would you even be able to ignore it? Maybe you would try to remove it from your life somehow or even destroy it. What would you do if that face was your own? I asked myself that question as well, however, I came up with my answer quite quickly. Imagine looking in the mirror and seeing the worst monster your mind could conjur up. After all, you did just kill the only person for whom you would still consider staying alve.

My first instinct was to destroy that face and make sure no one ever saw it again. Simply cutting it off wouldn't be enough of course, it would have to be destroyed completely, leaving no trace behind. I already had the knife in my hand and I was ready to do what had to be done but then I remembered. I remembered how much Gabriel loved that face, how he would always smile when he saw it and how passionately he would kiss those lips, as if they were a forbidden fruit. I simply couldn't destroy something he cared so much about and so I decided to do something else. Sewing a mask on my head seemed like the only logical solution in those moments of madness and so I did it. With every stitch that pierced my neck I remembered one of Gabriel's smiles and how I would never have a chance to see it again. Once all the stitches were complete and the mask was attached to my head I was finally freed of that wretched creature that haunted me in every mirror, photograph and memory of myself.

I wore that suit and mask for so long they almost became a part of me and in a sense they were. They were my way of both hiding from and reminding myself of how I was so weak and afraid that I decided to hurt Gabriel, the man I loved so much, in such a terrible way. I can only imagine what he felt when he found me in that bathtub but it must have been a lot like what I felt when I woke up to find him having taken my place. It's still impossible for me to fathom how much he must have loved me. A love so strong that it broke past the boundaries of reality itself and let him exchange his own life for mine, giving me this second chance that, at the time, I only saw as a curse. Then again, can you really blame me, after all, the only reason I hadn't done it sooner was Gabriel's love that always made me feel like there was still something good coming my way. Losing him was the most painful moment of my life but still, it made me realize how selfish I was to think that I had a right to do what I did without even considering what it would do to him. 

In a way, all of this makes perfect sense. The punishment has to fit the crime and so, for taking away the only person that he loved from Gabriel, I too was stripped of any chance of being with him. My fellow heroes frequently ask me why I call myelf Suicider and it's pretty simple. Since the day Gabriel gave his life in order to save mine, I have only wished for my own death so that we could at least be united in the afterlife. That wish has obviously been made unattainable now that I am stuck in this immortal body, cursed forever to roam this world of the living while longing only for the world of the dead. 

By now you're probably asking yourself why I chose to become a hero and I don't blame you for it. I ask myself that very often and I really don't know. It was most likely my encounter with Survivor that drove me to this path. Before I met him, I was fueled by rage and hatered, emotions that I felt towards myself but tried to redirect at those who I, at the time, held responsible for making me do what I did. There is no other way to put it, I was going to hurt someone because I wasn't able to come to terms with my own actions. I was lucky that Survivor was there and stopped me but not only did he stop me, he helped me work on my problems and it's thanks to him that I was able to pull off that mask from my head and face the monsters in the mirror that I had created. In Survivor I saw someone who was running away from death, but also someone who would risk death catching up with him if it meant saving someone else from it. Back then I thought that if he was Survivor, then I had to be Suicider and so I kept the name to remind me of who I used to be. 

Maybe someday we'll meet under different circumstances and have a conversation about how things used to be, maybe I'll even have found work by then and started living a normal life but untill then I'll just keep dealing with everything the way I know best and that's by trying to become someone both Gabriel and Survivor could be proud of. I hope that the next time we see each other you won't be greeting me as Sucider but as Marcus, but untill I then, I want to thank you for listening to my story and helping me overcome so many obstacles over these past seven years doctor, sadly this will have to be farewell for some time because there is something I have to do now and I don't think I'll be able to see you again before that is done. I wish you a good day and the best of luck untill our next meeting.


© Copyright 2018 Albert Rauman. All rights reserved.

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