Journal 23- 1995

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic


Thought that have been running through my head.

Submitted: June 05, 2018

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Submitted: June 05, 2018

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is this gonna work?

it's 01:54, on a Tuesday morning. Ah, so many thoughts right know. I don't know how to start this.

It was, I think a month before my birthday, so I decided that I was going to record by writing my 23th spring, summer and winter ( don't think about snow, here it's only rain). And here I am, four month late. I feel like crying, but I won't do it. I'm supposed to be bilingual, but I know my English is pretty basic just like my general knowledge.

I just need to write (?) type (?) I always do it on paper but today I don't feel like coming out of bed. Where to start? If you think: Oh it's just another boring journal about young feeling blah blah. You're right. Doesn't my grammar sucks? I had an stomach ache just a few minutes back. I guess it's from so much stress or just I eat to much junk food. Just to say, I had garlic bread from Papa Jonhs for breakfast. My head hurts so much, I don't often have headaches, that why I'm complaining a lot today.

Is this going anywhere? I don't think so haha.

I just want to cry. I miss my father a lot. he left tjis past friday. It just have been three days. How you call it when you miss someone so much but you don't want them back in your life? 'cause that's what I'm feeling right now. He's such a coward. "You shouldn't be talking like that about your father". I know... but is the ducking truth. He's such a liar. He hurts us so much. He won't clean the mess he has done. He will be playing on his cell phone all day in front of a tv. Say in that old couch, that disgusting couch, where he and my cat are slept. He badmouth us in front of his "friends". He's the only victim on this tragedy. He's not to blame even tough he, himself said that he was doing wrong to us.

Doesn't is supposed that people change because of love? doesn't it supposed that if you love someone you don't want to hurt them?

Those childhood memories are stabbing my peace. The ones to easily remember, like that time when you got into the house pretty late at night, and you had those Barney's dolls and the Barbie' s snickers with candicandies inside them. I touched out of curiosity but I couldn't guess what they where because it was too dark. Also rugrats tooth brushes on their reptar holder. That time when mom and I went to meet you at the border line when I was, dunno, 3 years old?, but I perfectly remember mocking you, and showing you off that I've learned speak English when I was just babbling myself. Thank you Dad for paying my English classes seventeen years later. Damn it, get back stupid tears. Just right know the autocorrect changed tears for years. That's adding wood to the fire.

I miss him so much but I know It's better this way. And don't think that I'm talking about my self. I'm talking about him. I want him to be happy. I want him to get his health, mentally and physically speaking, back.

I don't know why you think I'm mad at you, I mean, I am but I don't hate you and the worse part it's that you think I do.

It hurts.

I want to play monopoly with you again, have a plushies fight with you, play Mario kart with you, going to the movies with you, traveling on those buses with second floor, playing marbles with you, watching you play with our cat.

I miss you and I don't want you back. But I hate this feeling of not wanting you back. You're not dead but why does it feel just like that?

I'm going to get another headache because of crying. I feel calmer now.

05-06-2018/ 02:44


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