It's okay to not be okay

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic


Everyone has a story to tell and hardships going on in their life. Fears they must face. Here's my story

Submitted: June 05, 2018

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Submitted: June 05, 2018

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I believe everyone has a story to tell we all have hardships going on in our lives. Weather or not we have to face our fears and it will be hard. No matter what that fear may be Spiders, Clowns, being alone, or the most common one Death or dying. My biggest fear as a child losing my Mom. My Mother was diagnosed with stage three Lung Cancer back in 2005. I stood right next to her in the Hospital when the doctor came in and told her she had a tumor the size of a softball in her lung. So if your like me you understand how it feels to lose a loved one. I'm reaching out to you to let you know that you are not alone. An it's okay to not be okay. Here's my story. 

Growing up as a child your supposed to be outside playing with your friendsand enjoying your youth. unfortunately my story does notstart out that way. My life as a child was pure Hell because i had a very sick Mother. I didn't care about going out with my friends or even going to School. All I wanted to do was be by my Mom's side as she was going through her Chemo and Radiation treatments. Every treatment I was right there with her. She was my Mother, My bestfriend. My God she was a great women, Strong, always there for her kids. Her smile would make everyone in the room smile 

As time went on and I seen her getting sicker and sicker it hurt me so bad to where I took that hurt and turned it into something much more worse. I swollowed my hurt and turned it into Anger, Rage, and pure frustration. I was mad as hell to see my own Mother go through pain soo much pain and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. 

Around Christmas time she was pale, losing weight, and didn't look like herself. As my family opened their Christmas gifts she told us all that this will be her last Christmas. When those words came out her mouth my own mouth dropped and I felt my blood boil. I said why do you have to say stuff like that? I stood up and stormed to my bedroom. I got so mad at her saying that to us. She came in as I was holding my face in my hands crying and asks me if I was okay. I said okay? Am i okay? No mom I'm not okay why did you say that? She said Tammra I said what I said because I'm not gonna be here much longer I was trying to let you know myself just in case you wake up and find me not breathing. I told her i didn't want to hear about her dying because it hurts me. 

I was honestly in denial about her dying or having a terminal illness I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare and I couldn't because it was real! 

A few days later she was so weak she struggled to walk she would be off balance. i would have to help her walk to the bathroom. First it was how weak she had gotten then she struggled to breath on her own. She explained to me it was hard for her to breath. I said let's go to the hospital she told me no I said why? She told me she was scared.

My brother Chris showed up for a visit to see my mom I told him what was going on. Christ then walked into our mom's room to make her go to the hospital. As we were driving to the hospital my mom had the side of her head resting on the back window trying to get air into her lungs.

She was rushed into the ER and had a big oxygen mask on her faceto help her breath at this time she was only breathing 20 percent on her own, Once she got into her own room things went from bad to worse.

Mom's breathing kept dropping so she was shipped to the 4th floor in Kingston hospital the 4th floor was the ICU. The doctors only brought her back into the room first and had my family wait in the waiting room. Even though we were waiting for 20mins or so it felt like we were waiting for hours. The Doctor came into the waiting room and walked me back to see my mom before he let me in the room he asked if I watched any ER shows. I said yeah why? He then say's this may be hard for you to see it's very graphic your Mom has a tube down her throat to keep her breathing because she can't breath on her own. I said ''okay I just wanna see her'' I walked into her room to find her laying in the bed still as can be with a blue tube down her throat and a machine next to her helping her to stay alive. Talking about losing your mind in a matter of seconds I sure did. 

My mom wasn't awake she was in a medical induced coma she was in this state for 14 days most of the time I stayed at the hospital with her. I was exhausted because of the lack of sleep and I was emotionally drained. My Father came to see mom and once his visit was over i went home with him to catch up on some sleep and to shower.

The next Morning as I got up it was May 23rd 2010 the phone rings I answer it on the other end of the phone was a nurse from the hospital telling me to bring my family to the Hospital ASAP because your mom does not have much more time left. I dropped the phone and started yelling for my dad he runs towards my voice and asks me what's wrong. I tried to talk but I couldn't only sounds came out of my mouth like someone trying to whistle. He grabbed my shoulders and say's WHAT? I said in one breath as I got myself together the nurse called mom doesn't have much time we need to get to the hospital NOW! 

My whole family ran out of the house all seven of us running towards the cars to get to the hospital that is 30mins from where we lived. 

Once we arrived I ran like hell up four flights of stairs into my moms room to say goodbye but it was to late she was gone. I held her life-less body and gave her a kidd on her fourhead and I broke I cried, i screamed, and i started throwing anything I could get my hands on. 

Losing my mom was the scariest thing Iv'e been through my worst fear came true and still to this day i struggle with her passing. i lost her when I was 18 years old I'm now 26 years old and a Mom of two beautiful boys. When someone say's to you that time heal I hate to say it but time doesn't heal you will never ever forget. Just remember it's okay to not be okay but don't let your fears take control over you try to over come them. Now you know my story just know and keep in mind that you are not alone. 


© Copyright 2018 Tammra Kozlowski. All rights reserved.

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