The Life of an Actual, Real-Live, Legitimate, Totally True, Authentic, Genuine Gay Teen

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic


This is my personal story of being gay and a teenager. I hope you enjoy, and that it gives you some insight on what it's like to be a gay teenager. *TW: I do mention self-harm and depression

Submitted: June 07, 2018

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Submitted: June 07, 2018

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My story is a pretty happy one compared to others. I haven’t had backlash for coming out. The closest thing to it was freshman year when a group of guys drove past me walking to the community center. They rolled down their windows and yelled “f***ing dyke” at me. Although I highly doubt that was due to my sexuality because at that point in time, I wasn’t fully out. It did hit me kind of hard though. I mean, I didn’t know who the kids where and they certainly didn’t know me. I began to feel unsafe, I still do. Anyways my story I guess starts way back in middle school. I didn’t know what gay was until about 6th grade. Then skip ahead to 7th grade. It was the first day of the third trimester. In science, we switched seats every trimester, so that’s exactly what we did. I remember sitting down at my spot and looking over to my group mates. There was this girl, let’s call her Kelli, and I honestly was blown away by her. The rest of that trimester was just basically me not knowing what was going on. I was so confused and to be honest, I hated myself. I was fine with gay people, I just didn’t want to be gay. I looked up gay tests and watched videos. Always looking for that thing that automatically made me gay. But the thing I was looking for didn’t exist. I know that now. There isn’t some checklist you can check off to see if you’re queer, but at the time, it frustrated me. I just wanted an answer. The confusion continued on until maybe the somewhat into 8th grade. I realized that I was gay then, although I fully didn’t accept it. I then decided to start coming out. That lead to another online search. How to come out. Was I supposed to just say it, write a letter? I also wondered when you are supposed to come out.  How did I know if I was ready to come out? It was the same process as when I was trying to figure out if I was gay. The same need and absolute desire to find that checklist, but it was the same as before. There isn’t a set thing that tells you that you are ready to come out. Only you know deep inside of yourself. I remember I watched this video that said does it scare you to come out? Or be out? The first person I came out to was my mom. I knew that both my parents would fully accept me because they were both very vocal of their support to the LGBT+ community. That didn’t make me any less nervous though. I am naturally a very nervous and worrisome person, so coming out just amplified it. I called my mother up to my room saying I needed to tell her something. She sat down next to me on my bed. I couldn't look her in the eyes. I kept trying to say those simple two words. I began crying and finally choked out the words. All this time, my mom was so worried and kept telling me it was okay. After I finally said I’m gay, she told me that she and my father would love me no matter what, and that their main concern was that I was happy and comfortable in myself. It felt so good that she said what she said although I knew she would say that. I was happy with that result, but I decided to come out to a friend. I didn’t know how any of my friends would react. So to be safe, the first friend I came out to was one who had moved to a different state a little over a year ago. I texted her ‘text me back when you have a chance!’ The first few friends I came out to I did this exact thing and I realize now it was not the best word choice. Most of my friends thought something was seriously wrong so yeah. Anywho, my friend told me that if it makes me happy, that’s all that matters. She also told me to know that she was my friend and would be supportive of me no matter what. After that my life was pretty uneventful for the next couple of months. Then one day at school, one of my friends was talking about trans rights. By him saying that, I knew he’d probably be cool with my sexuality. I came out to him, and he came out to me. I assumed that my mom told my dad about me being gay, but when I asked her about it, she said she hadn’t told him. Later that day, my dad was in the basement watching something. I went downstairs and sat next to him. I told him I needed to tell him something and kept saying “I’m… I…” I buried my head in his chest while my breathing rate lg increased dramatically. I finally said “I like girls.” He said it was cool. I stayed next to him with my head in his chest for a little while, and then I went back to my room. That was about late January, early February. Then it was summer break before freshman year. Towards the end of summer, I decided to come out to all my friends. At least, the ones that I had their contact info. I texted them all thesaurus thing. Text me back when you have a chance! And then of course, I’m gay. Some said cool. Others asked if I was joking. But they all had a positive response. A few days later, I decided to tell Kelli of whom I had become friends with. I texted her the same thing I did to all my other friends. After I texted her ‘I’m gay’, she didn't respond for a couple of hours. Her response is one I’ll never forget. ‘Sorry for the late response, I haven't had a chance to text you back without being rude to my family. I’m kinda at a loss for words right now so if I say anything stupid please know I do not mean it that way. Thank you for telling me. It probably wasn't very easy for you but I admire you so much for telling me. You’re always saying if there was one thing you could change about yourself it would be how much you worry and the time you spend being nervous but right now youre probably the bravest person I know. I have to go again, but that’s great! I’m so proud of you! And if ANYONE gives you shit, call me and I’ll help you beat them up… okay maybe not physically… but, I got you!’ As you can imagine, it was very emotional and I did cry. It felt so good to come out to her. Like I was finally showing her the real me. I didn’t have to hide anymore. Throughout the next few months and into the start of the school year, I asked Kelli to hang out multiple times. We’d hung out before, so nothing was really different. Although every time I asked her, she said she had something else. I began to grow quite paranoid at this. I couldn't handle it anymore, so I told my mother. She thought it was because I came out to her, and she was no longer comfortable around me. This just set my anxiety off. I had to ask her what was going on. There was, however, a conflict with that. You see, I hate to come off as clingy or needy. To the point where it interferes with my daily life. I rarely hang out with people because I hate asking them to hang out. I think I am a nuisance if they say they have something going on. Even if that thing is totally legitimate. That being that, I’ll always ask my friends if they have any plans coming up so I can guage who can and cannot hang out. Anyways, I decided to ask Kelli what was going on. I asked her (not to the liking of my exploding heart), and she told me she had family issues going on. That eased my anxiety a little, but I still had a fear that she was lying to me. One of my many social related fears; everyone secretly hates me. So that issue was ‘resolved’. Now this was a very emotional time in my life. I’ll give you a little background. Looking back on it, I realize I had depression. It started around the time I was figuring out I was gay. I also played a team sport that caused my confidence to drop significantly. I always sat out for the other girls to play my position. Not because I did anything wrong, but because I wasn’t as good as them. I joined the high school team eight grade. I was the only eight grader on the team, so it was a little hard. The coach told me I’d have a set up on the other girls next year. Next year came around and low and behold, the other girl got a spot on varsity immediately without giving me a chance. I had to be absolutely perfect, or the coaches wouldn’t even give me a shot. That mentality has stayed with me to this day. Now I bet you can imagine how this messed with my confidence. I was gay and ‘wrong’ and I wasn’t good enough for the one thing I had worked on for nine years. I remember in eighth grade, all I did was distance myself my my friends. I didn’t ask them to every hang out. I talked not that often. I always put on a fake smile. And then I would go home and cry. I would cry so hard my body would violently shake. I would cry for at least an hour, just balling my eyes out. But I never made a sound. I would hold my breath as I cried so no would hear me and know I was crying. You see, I didn’t want someone to ask if I was okay. I couldn’t handle that. I couldn't talk about my feelings. I still can’t. I didn’t want to die, no. But I wasn’t completely against the idea either. I remember I thought so many times how much easier it would be to die. I remember standing in the shower crying while I held a razor in my hand telling myself not to do it over and over again while an inner voice kept telling me, just do it. Just cut yourself. You deserve it. But I didn’t ever give in. I think the reason for that was my mother. I couldn’t every do that to her. I finally realized my problem in ninth grade. Around winter break. Breaks were always the worst time for my depression as I was always left alone in my head. I told my mom I wanted to go see a therapist, and so I did. I’ve seen two. The first one wanted me to be able to recognize my feelings and they talked about payment options a lot. With me. A minor. So I left them. Then I went to see another therapist in the summer between ninth and tenth grade. I went to them because of gender confusion, not depresion. I left them too. Therapy didn’t really help me. It was probably due to my unwillingness of sharing my true feelings. I am much better now though. It took a while and it was a long road, but I’m here now. And I keep getting better. Ninth grade was definitely a time. I was stuck between being out to my friends while still not being completely out. I wasn’t comfortable with that yet. Then tenth grade rolled around. I became more comfortable I with myself, and I started being able to show my true colors so to speak. I am able to finally make gay jokes! The struggles I have now are just ‘normal’ ones. Worrying about grades, socializing, dating? (haven’t quite gotten there yet). I’ve found happiness again for the most part. There are still sometimes that I’m sad, but hey, that’s life. I’ve learned to accept and love my inner self. I guess that's where you have to start. Acceptance of yourself. That’s what makes you you. And hopefully, no one will take it from you. Don’t let yourself be that person. I think the funny part of realizing that you aren’t straight or cis is looking back and seeing how obvious it was. I mean, I used to chase girls that I found cute (although I didn’t realize that at the time) around at recess and tackle them. I always would find this strange attraction towards girls which I thought it met I wanted to be their friend. It makes you laugh and mentally slap yourself for how prominent you showed your queerness and didn’t realize it. Being gay is hard. You live in constant fear that someone will hate you for who you love. You just want everyone to like you. You don’t want to disappoint people too. You are scared walking home alone. You hide your face in the school hallway. You don’t want to get hurt, and people like you get killed because of who they are. And then you'll get angry at the world. Why me? Why do people hate me? What did I ever do to deserve this? Why? But you have to keep reminding yourself that it doesn’t matter what others think. You have to tell yourself that constantly. You tell yourself that that until you start to believe it. Until the idea solidates in your mind, and it  will take a while. Friendships will be hard. You’ll start to look at everyone differently, as if through clearer eyes. You’ll fall in love with your best friend. But you won't tell them because deep down you know that they don't feel the same. That doesn't stop you from hoping though. Hoping that one day, you’ll finally get together. That there will be some magical event. That they’ll realize their feelings for you. But that won't happen, and never will. Hope can be a very dangerous thing if broken. Relationships will be hard as well. You’ll fall for more straight people than you can count. Coming out is a whole other problem. When you first figure out that you’re gay, you’ll hate yourself. You might be fine with others being gay, but definitely not you. You’ll bury your feelings deep inside yourself. You’ll lock them up for no one to see. Not even yourself. The feelings will resurface, and you’ll try to find a cure. A way to fix yourself. But you have to realize that you can’t do that. You can’t fix yourself because there is nothing wrong with you.

 


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