Fretter The Early Years

Reads: 78  | Likes: 1  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

More Details
Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic


This is the beginning of my life and when depression started setting in. I'm documenting this for my children, because some things are just too difficult to vocalize out loud.

Submitted: June 09, 2018

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 09, 2018

A A A

A A A


My childhood was normal, average. My parents provided me with the necessities and a few extra things here and there. 
I was born in Royal Oak, Michigan on December 29th, 1980.  It's close to Detroit. I lived in Michigan till I was almost 9. My adoptive father was Coast Guard. We got transferred to St. Petersburg,  Florida in August 1989. The family never left Florida, lol. 
 
In the time between August 1989 to August 2000 my family and I traveled to Michigan to visit extended family.  Not every summer, not every Christmas we went. I went out to California to visit my aunt for the summer in 1997. She took me to Monterey Bay, San Francisco, And Lake Tahoe. She also took me to a huge science museum,  Great America theme park, a huge flea market,  Alcatraz, a jazz festival,  and a Dave Matthews Band concert.  I had a blast. 
 
While living in St. Petersburg during 1989 to 1999 I went to Busch Gardens,  Adventure Island, Sea World, Great Explorations,  Lowry Park Zoo, MOSI, Dali Museum and just about every beach from Fort de soto to caladesi island. And coco beach on the other coast.In the 1990's went to visit family in northern Alabama,  went to Opryland
 
From 2000 to now, I went with my brothers to visit a family friend for the summer in 2001 in New Jersey. We went to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island, got to see the Twin Towers in New York from the fairy ride around the Statue of Liberty.
 
Places I've lived. Several places in Michigan,  one place was on a military base. Moved to Florida. Within the last 29 years I lived in St.Petersburg, Clearwater, Holiday, Odessa,  Gulfport,  Brooksville. For a short time I lived with family friends on a military base in Sand Hook, NJ. Also lived in Marion Indiana with my ex, my sons father for about 5 years. Then moved back home to Florida.
 
Explanation of "adoption". 
My mother dated my birth father for about 2 years. She had just graduated high school when she became pregnant with me. He wanted an abortion,  even his dad offered to pay for it. She willingly went to an abortion clinic with him. But she was undecided. The doctor could see in the look on my moms face that she really did not want an abortion. The doctor did the ultrasound to make sure she was not too far along. The doctor told my mom and birth father, she was too far along to proceed with the abortion. My birth father later accused my mom of cheating, because of the timing. Eventually,  he walked away from me and mom. 
 
During her pregnancy with me,  she met my future adoptive father. He worked with my birth father and he knew mom was pregnant,  but he still chose to date mom. My adoptive father stayed for the next 24 or so years. I was born and a little over a month later he married my mom.  Years later, during the pregnancy with my brother Henry, mom found out she had a tilt to her uterus which makes it difficult to determine how far along she is in her pregnancies. Made it seem like she was farther along than what she really was. 
 
My soon to be adoptive father, adopted me when i was about 6 or 7 years old, soon my brother Henry came along after that. 
Now, i have 3 half brothers from my birth mom. And I found out I have 3 more half brothers from my birth father.  But I have never met my birth father or half brothers from him. I've talked to them but at this point in time they want nothing to do with me. 
 
Although, so far my life seems exciting, adventureous. I have a dark side, my depression. It slowly crept into my life at a young age. My mom was emotionally distant from me. She did what she could to ensure I was clean, fed and safe. But something was always missing. That mother-daughter bond, we didnt have that. It's more like  a love hate relationship. I knew my adoptive father was not my birth father since I was about 6 years old. I finally voiced I knew he was not my birth father when I was 7 years old, right before he adopted me. I played in my room alot by myself. I didn't have friends my own age. When we moved to Florida, I started to slip even deeper in my mind and very isolated. I went out when I had to like for school. I went outside because mom made me go outside. I tried to make friends, but they just did not understand why I was so sad all the time.
Keep in mind, in my teens years I only talked when I had to. My emotions started to get more and more intense during my teen years. I cried for days, weeks, months at a time. Mom tried to take me to therapists, psychologists and counselors, tried medication. Nothing worked. By this time I was in my mid-teens and had lost my best friemd, my great-grandmother. She died in the summer of 1996. This hit me pretty hard. I was already hurting because of the death of a family friend in the summer of 1993. He took his own life. I still grieve to this day for him and my great grand mother and few others I have lost to death. 
In the darkest time of my depression, in  my childhood and teen years I was suicidal. Most of the emotional hurt came from not knowing my birth father and always taking the blame for him leaving. Asking myself why did he leave, how could he walk away from is own child? I slipped further and further. But there was always something to stop me. I always thought about how my brothers would be sad without me. I thought alot about how my death would affect so many people. That gave me strenghth to keep fighting myself to stay alive.
By the time I reached adulthood, I was no longer suicidal. I beat that part of my depression. Life was full of distractions. 
 


© Copyright 2018 Fretter's rant. All rights reserved.

Add Your Comments: