Life of a Prince or hung like a Water Buffalo

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic


life before we are born,

Submitted: June 10, 2018

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Submitted: June 10, 2018

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Life of a Prince or hung like a Water Buffalo

John Michaels

 

I remember a lot of things…like the day President Kennedy was shot. My mom was crying and I didn’t understand why. Was only 5 at the time and didn’t really understand until I was older and could put everything into perspective…However  my most unique memory was my life before I was born…I know, certifiable  right? You think I’m crazy thinking this is an actual memory and not a fabricated one…Yet seems like only yesterday.

Believe it or not heaven is built in a serene park like atmosphere…buildings of all kinds scattered the landscape and everybody got a long with everybody…

We all were in our prime 20’s and never aging. You just become you…and yes, there is a God…he’s more like an overseer than an all mighty, although his presence centers on everybody’s existence. 

Another wonderful aspect is everybody is allowed to have a good time…uncontrolled…as if this is your grand bachelor party before being transferred to physical life, or P-Life as it’s affectionately known…although you aren’t aware of the transition, you’re just born…ugh!

There are men and women of course in heaven, but men befriended men and women stayed with women. No intermingling allowed… no sex…wasn’t even a thought as I remember, just kinship, friendship…party buddies.

 

I can only speak of course for myself, or men in heaven…before you are transferred to P-Life men can go into many of the buildings that are scattered throughout the landscape. Each building represents certain traits you can have, first come first serve, lots of standing in line if you want to find the best traits…every trait is different, like snowflakes, not one ever the same…if you were last in line or just didn’t show you might not receive the best trait…which was the case for me on this one particular day.

You didn’t have to stand in line to receive all traits; you were given them randomly if you didn’t arrive on time or at all. But some traits you wanted to stand in line for as I can remember. One in particular was VERY important, even in heaven… which brings me to the purpose of this story.

On this specific day I can recall VERY clearly, it was the day that men received their penis. Very Important day as I remember. Unfortunately a bunch of us were carousing around for what seemed like an eternity …drinking, smoking discussing universal thoughts when all of a sudden everybody got up to go to the Penitorium to pick out their, well you know, their ding-a-ling. Doors opened early and lines began to grow (sorry for the pun).

“Mike come on, let’s go its time” they collectively shouted as everybody hurried out the door like a mob rushing onto a football field. But I didn’t listen, or didn’t want to. I was happy right where I was thinking I would receive a fair penis if I didn’t go, was it that important?

However on this day ALL men it seemed were standing in line at this one place…except me. I remember anxiety and concern built up forcing me to rethink my decision not to go. The second I decided to go I jumped up from the thick carpeted floor tripping over the wine bottles that everybody consumed the night before and found myself running all the way to the Penitorium… just as God was shutting the doors. I remember arriving; panting out of breath and shouting “No, Wait” looking at two of the largest golden doors I had ever seen, even to this day, closed.

“I know where you have been my son” God said as he turned to look at me with a loving smile… gesturing with his left hand as if to say “Come on in”, I watched those massive golden doors effortlessly re-open, and with a sigh of relief I felt God put his arm around my shoulder as we walked in together.

Empty Penis shelves as far as the eye could see… “Choose” God said…but there was nothing to choose except for one. And it was hideous…horribly small, less than an inch long. I whimpered, cried and shook from head to toe…what did I do to myself I thought. God read my mind answering, “Because I know what you were doing my son”

“Please Lord, have mercy, don’t let me take that awful small penis”, for some reason I was beginning to understand my life would be over before it started.

“Let me just stay here in heaven, PLEASE” I begged, falling to my knee’s for mercy.

The lord thought for a moment.

“I will help you my son…”

Oh Thank God…

“You’re welcome” God replied with a slight grin.

“Sorry, didn’t mean it like that” was my quick reply bowing to the Lord

I was given two choices, one, I would have all the money and opportunities in the world and would want for nothing my entire 100 years of existence, but would only have a one-inch penis…

Two, I could have a 12 inch penis as a Water Buffalo in a place called Southeast Asia.

“These are my only alternatives?” I said to myself

Again the lord answered back (I hate when he does that) “Yes…Choose my son”

 

Without a millisecond of contemplation I chose “Water Buffalo” and instantly transitioned to physical life in South Vietnam with a healthy sized penis as a Water Buffalo…it wasn’t very long after that I stepped on a land mine and blew myself up. God does have a sense of humor…because the next thing I knew I was born a blond haired blue-eyed baby boy in an everyday average family with an averaged sized penis in a place called Orange County California…

God still talks to me from time to time, asking how I am with a little chuckle, “Hilarious” I would answer back with a little sarcastic tone that only two friends could understand and share…because in the end we all get what we need, but seldom what we want. 



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