Finding myself

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: June 13, 2018

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Submitted: June 13, 2018



When someone asks you to describe your childhood, most people think of happy times in their life like the time they went to an amusement park or at a family gathering. When I think about my childhood these are not necessarily the memories that come to mind but it’s all I can think of when I think of my younger years.


When I was about 4 years old I vaguely remember I was close friends with a girl from my church. I remember she would stay the night and we would stay up and play all night. However we did not play with dolls. We played with each other. It was certainly not a sleepover I would ever want my children to have.


I don’t remember how it all started but I can still picture bits and pieces as if I were standing right there. She would sleep in my bed and of course I was so young my parents never thought anything of it. Little did they know we were letting out our sinful pleasures as we touched and kissed. This was just the start of my abnormal story.  I never reached out for help like my parents always told me to. I ask myself over and over again why I never did and the only thing I can think of is because no matter how bad I knew it was I felt some sort of pleasure behind it. I feel I didn’t want the pleasure to just stop so I played along and just let everything happen.


I also remember a small picture in my head of me around the same age. I was at a burgerking with my father and some members of our church. Amongst them was a boy around my age which was the pastor's son.  I remember playing on the playscape and all of a sudden I start pulling my skirt down. This time my father saw me and pulled me right out of the playscape by my ear. I could tell he was furious. When we got home he told my mom. I don’t remember my moms reaction but I know I was definitely grounded.


Over the years my parents started having problems and eventually turned into divorce. Let’s go back a few years though. I was about seven when some of my family decided to move to Connecticut from Puerto Rico. We were raised together since we were born then they had to move. I was so excited for them to be back and was prepared to share my room with my cousins even though I already shared it with my younger sister.


When they finally moved in I couldn’t be happier. I love my cousins so much they are like my siblings. There were four of them, two boys and two girls. Kevin, Rachel, Nina, and Brandon. In that order from oldest to youngest as well. I fell between Rachel and nina, my sister between Nina and Brandon and my brother was the youngest of all. We are a big family.


My parents were also enjoying the company of my aunt and uncle as they would drink, listen to music, and party like they never had before. As they were partying I started to observe and I did happen to notice that my cousins had changed. They were a lot more mature than what I remembered. Not in a wise way but they knew so much more about sex than I did.


One night as we were holding a casual conversation Rachel brings up the fact that my parents and her parents went to the sex shop. Confused I asked what it was and she explained it was a store where they sold things that had to do with sex and she had an example to showcase as well. She went into her mother’s bag and pulled out a rainbow lollipop shaped like a male's genitals and said “Like this.” In that moment her mother walks in. A mix of vodka and lemonade coming out of her pores. All I could remember thinking was we are in deep crap. To my surprise all she did was laugh it up. It was then when I realized that my aunt was allowing this type of behavior so I just laughed along.


I would hear the loud vulgar music and my family laughing in the background as the night went on. I decided to come out my room and see what all the commotion was about when I saw they were laughing at my drunk mother who had just peed herself and was trying to shower. I didn’t think anything of it simply they were having too much fun.


As everyone was getting ready for bed I tucked myself and ready to sleep. I was awaken in the middle of the night to Kevins touch. When I wake up I see Rachel and Nina kissing. This was not my first rodeo and just at the age of seven that is surprising even to me. To my surprise my little sister was awake! She didn’t say a word just watched to see how I would react. I knew where this was going and felt a rush go through my body and pleasurable memories blur my morals. I play along as they kiss and touch my body. They started to touch my sister as well but by the look on her face she was not enjoying this at all. To my knowledge they never touched her again. On the other hand they were pleasuring me for years after that.


I was nine when my parents decided to get a divorce. This was difficult news for me as I was the oldest of my siblings and also daddys little girl. When he left I could feel my heart ripping out of my chest a stabbing pain that could not be healed. He left without a trace of where he went nor a number. I was unable to contact him for about a year. That year was hell and just when I was starting to get used to my father not being in the picture I start to miss him and ask my mom about him. My mother advised me to call my grandmother, his mom and see if she had any info or a number I could have to get in touch with him. And so I did.


A few days after Christmas had gone by and my grandmother was delighted to hear from me but was hesitant to give me my father's whereabouts or a number she told me she would have to ask him and call me back. When she called back she seemed excited and proceeded to give me his number. Overjoyed I dial the number. A rough edgy voice answered after a few rings and “Hey dad!” I exclaimed. My smile quickly turned into a frown when he said “Hey, where’s your mom. Let me talk to her.” I passed the phone to her and when she finished the call she looked at me and said “Your father will be here tomorrow.”


I felt like I was on cloud nine after a year of not seeing my father I would finally get to see him again and tell him how much I missed him. I wanted to give him a gift for Christmas but I didn’t want just any gift I wanted it to him to be delighted. I quickly gathered all of our pictures together. I remembered his favorite colors were red and blue so I pulled those colors out of my construction paper package and made him a scrapbook. I wrapped it up in cheap wrapping paper that had santa’s face on it and went to bed dreaming about the next day.


When I woke up the next day the first thing I did was call my dad but all I would get was the answering machine. It was ten o'clock when I gave up calling but to my surprise by eleven my father was at the door. I grabbed my gift and ran to the door. My smile went from ear to ear as I told him how much I missed him and how happy I was. He said hey and continued to walk in the door. I gave him my gift and said “Daddy I made this for you.” He grabbed it and set it down on the table and when he saw my mom he followed her to her room, closed the door and locked it. Leaving me out in the dark.


I laid in bed waiting for my dad to come out. I finally just fell asleep but was startled by moans in my moms room. I knew what pleasurable moans sounded like this was not that. I kept trying to open the door but it was locked. I grabbed a bobby pin and unlocked the door to find my mom with tears in her eyes as my dad was hitting her. In defense I yelled “DADDY STOP!” That’s when he left. I climbed in bed with my mom to try and comfort her and stayed the night with her. The next morning I woke up and went to the bathroom. I found my dads gift still wrapped on my dining room table. For a second I felt that broken heart stabbing pain feeling again. Later something clicked in my head and I realized I didn’t need him. I was filled with anger.  



The next year I was in fifth grade. I was a very developed child. I got my first period when I was 9 and had B cup breasts by the time I was 10. I started getting bad grades in school and getting detention. I now see that there was an explanation to all of that  However as you know I was far from being a normal child.


At that age I would spend all the time I could at my grandmas house, My mothers mom. I felt good there I was the princess because my siblings would never spend the night. To say less I was very spoiled by my grandparents. When I stayed the night I was always borrowing my grandma's phone to talk to friends or at least that’s what she thought. I would have the phone overnight so that meant late night calls.

I knew that Kevin was staying at my grandmothers house so I called and put on a fake voice she already knew it was me but passed along the phone anyway. Kevin and I had become VERY close, a little too close. Our conversations would often get steamy and I know this is wrong but I felt an ecstasy that I wouldn’t feel any other way. Meanwhile I was not the only one feeling this way. My mom had started a new relationship. He was our neighbor from down stairs. I liked the guy he was much younger than my mom so he was very fun. She was 30, he was about 22, and I was 11.


I had a close friend in school that and I told her I had a boyfriend and that I would talk to him at night. We would share details about how we would hear our moms sexual moans through the wall. Yep, She was that type of friend. Until one day I get pulled aside in class. “It has come to my attention that you have been telling a friend that you are pregnant.” I can still hear her voice in my head. Mrs. Donovan my fifth grade teacher had confronted me about a rumor that I started myself. Why I started it? I have no clue. I did knew it was wrong and that it was my fault but I felt betrayed for the first time by my best friend.  


When I got home my mother was waiting for me with an annoyed facial expression she asked what happened in school that day.  I kind of figured out that the teacher called her and explained everything. With panic in my voice and my eyes as wide as a saucer I replied “Nothing.” I can sense her angry presence and my dad which hadn’t been in the picture for a year arrived along with an agent of the Department of children and family services. At this point my heart was getting ready to pop out of my chest. I remember the agent asked me. “Why did you do it?” I answered “I don’t know.” My dad annoyed said “If he wasn’t here I would whoop your ass.” The agent just agreed with him because if he had a daughter he would have done the same thing. The agent dismissed the case. My father found out that I was calling Kevin at my grandmothers house and asked me if we talked about sex I caved and agreed. Let’s just say that was the end of whatever we had going on and  It was then when I learned that maybe talking wasn’t such a good idea.


Summer time came and my mother drops a bomb on us. We were moving to a different city. It was only the next city over but I was torn because that meant I had to switch schools. Starting middle school is hard as it is imagine starting a whole new school with different kids. With everything else going on I literally started growing grey hair from the stress. When we moved my mother decided it was time that her relationship also would take the next step. Her boyfriend moved in with us.  He was cool and I actually liked the school. I also liked the kids there. I fit in perfectly and felt like my life was finally changing for the better.


My birthday is in April and for my 13th birthday we had a party at my house. It was great I invited all my old friends and my new friends and we had a blast. I even snuck a boy that I always liked upstairs while everyone was having fun down stairs and had a make out session. I remember having so much fun that night. Little did I know that that year was gonna be the beginning to one of the hardest times in my life.


In October of my 13th year my mom is at work and this I remember perfectly, her boyfriend calls me into their room and says come here look at this. I watched monster trucks on tv and he says come here sit down. So I did. I then feel his hand touch my belly at this point I felt a little uncomfortable but stayed.  I then feel his touch over my breast. Shocked at that fact that I trusted him I run to the dinning room where I call one of my old friends and start explaining everything. He comes to me a few minutes later and asks me if I was ok. I said “Yes, I’m fine.” and proceeded to talk to my friend. I knew I could trust her with my secrets I had told her so many and she knew him so it was ok. She said “Maybe it was an accident?” and so I took that as the excuse and brushed it off.


His birthday is in November and for his birthday we had an epic party. We made jello shots and he convinced my mom to let me have two. He got so drunk and high off marijuana. At one point in the night I went upstairs and he stumbled out of the bathroom. Looked at me and said you know you’re special to me. Then he kissed me… on the lips while pinning me to the wall. I still had a buzz from sneaking some drinks but knew it was wrong and went back down stairs. The night continued normally.


A few days later I am doing the dishes in the kitchen my mom is in her room and he comes to “help” me. He comes up behind me and I can feel his boner on my ass. I got goosebumps and he noticed and quickly said “Wow, I give you goosebumps.” As he kissed my neck I noticed that on his birthday he wasn’t just drunk. He really wanted to pursue me.


In February of the next year I am doing laundry because I was getting my period so often and so heavily that I had no clean clothes. He comes down stairs to the basement where I was and states he is going to bathe our dog. He starts filling the sink and while that is going on he pulls me to the back side of the couch and starts kissing my neck, touching my left breast with his left hand, and pressing his boner on me. There goes that ecstasy again. He then takes a few step to where the dirty clothes is and takes his dick out. Starts masturbating until he climaxes. His fluids all over my belly. He takes a dirty shirt and wipes it off saying, “If your mom found this out she would kill me.”


© Copyright 2018 Yüri Shimai. All rights reserved.

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