I can't do this anymore

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic


I don't know if I can handle it anymore...

Submitted: June 13, 2018

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Submitted: June 13, 2018

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I can't live like this anymore. It's too much. I can't handle it. I've been out of class a lot lately. I just can't stay in a classroom with people I don't like. It feels like they're watching me. It feels like they're judging me all the time. Thinking to themselves, "He's just a piece of shit. He doesn't deserve anything."

I'm scared. I'm scared of not being good enough. Scared of what people think of me. Scared of looking like shit. Scared of death. Scared of being rejected. Scared of being someone that looks like a failure. Scared of what will happen if I don't do things right. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of making decisions. Scared of the past. The memories are haunting me. But my biggest fear is losing her.

Anxiety and depression aren't easy. They hang over me like a grey cloud or is inside me like a weight. They're dragging me down. Making me see only the negative. Hiding the positive. I've never been thinking highly of myself. I can easily come to think of how I was in first grade. Everyone has always been better than me. I'm just in the way, a burden. Nobody wants me here, so I don't know why I'm still here. I was bullied, and I'm still being bullied by some degree. They only think I'm an idiot. But I don't want to leave, not without her. But I'm not going to force her to join me on my journey far away from here. it wouldn't be okay. But I still have her by my side. It's the only thing keeping me going. I can't live without her.

I'm sick of people that don't care about me. The only thing they think about is how I've screwed my own life up. They don't want anything good for me. I'm also sick of the people that care but doesn't know how to help so they do what they "think" can help. If you are that kind of people, please just lay off. You do more harm than good. You might one day tip me over. Make me fall even longer down. Making me do it.

The days only get worse. I cry myself to sleep thinking that I'm a bad person. I'm back in the spiral of despair. Self-harming has become a possibility again. They say it only makes it worse. It makes me feel better. And I know how it will look afterward, but I want to say, I don't have anything against how it looks. It gives the person character. It adds something real to their story. Don't get me wrong, it's not okay to do it. But I need it so bad. I'm going to grab every chance I get.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick of this, the pain and the fear are unbearable. But I have limited choices. And the only choices I have either makes me feel pain or face my fears.


© Copyright 2018 Stephan Pedersen. All rights reserved.

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