A Necessary Evil

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: June 14, 2018

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Submitted: June 14, 2018

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Perhaps it's a necessary evil, wouldn't you say

The cruelty and judgment that drives your fellows to despair?

To chastise your peers, and let them rot

Instead of showing patience and good faith, which have too high a cost?

 

After all, you're always thinking of the olden days

When taking a trembling man along

Would only make you easier prey

For the hunters chasing after you

 

"So, good riddance!" you say

"Let the weak die and rot!

"Let their despair consume them,"

"And their true worthlessness bear retribution!"

Because, in this cruel natural world

You truly were better off without them

 

Because it must be a necessary evil

For one to suffer so much

When they have betrayed those close to them

Through negligence, laziness, cowardice, and sin

There is not enough around to pay the price

Of redeeming such broken fools

So give up on them, cast them aside

And let them end their wretched lives

However they please

 

And if you're wondering, yes

I do accuse you of being cruel

Not because I think you're a true believer in all this, of course

But because shades of this do belong to you

Your patience has its limits

Your fears can reach a breaking point

And when you're at your limit

You viciously attack your burdens, wishing they would just sink or swim

Instead of hanging on to you and weighing you down

Just like I do right now

 

And I guess the cruelty has its uses

You do need to be protected from me

No matter how much I depend on you

So push me away and shame me

If the alternative is to fall apart yourself

 

If the world truly was a zero-sum game

Where people were either useful or not at all,

I know I'd be the latter,

And my death would truly be a boon to all

 

And so I need to believe in nuance and compassion

Just to keep myself alive

To believe it's not too late for me

And that I'm more than just one of two types of people

That I don't have to be either worthy or worthless

 

But it's when you reach your breaking point

That you see me through that lens

And you have and will come to the same conclusion I have

That as I am now, I truly have no use at all

And therefore, you'll wish that I'd either shape up or just die

Though killing me would be too cruel for you

But it would be a necessary evil for you

To drive me to despair, so that you can protect yourself from me

 

I know you'd be devastated if I were to die too soon

I know the pain would never leave you

But I also know your life would be easier

With one less burden to worry about and look over

I know that you'd be relieved of the constant worry

Of looking out for me

 

So whether or not I should live or die

Depends on whether it's worth it

For you to trade your worries in return for a lasting despair

For you to lay down your burdens for good, even if it means tearing out a part of your heart you will never possess again

I know your answer would, for the most part, be no

I know the very notion would offend you

Reek of emotional manipulation and blackmail

Sound so abhorrent that I must be spitefully trying to hurt you

For even suggesting it

 

But I suppose when I wonder whether you'd be better off without me

This is what goes through my head

And really, it's just an excuse for my own cowardice

My own desire to bring a swift and permanent end to all the worry and pain

Wouldn't it be the moral, the righteous thing to do, if in sacrificing myself

I ended up helping you too?

 

Of course, right now I have no such plans

In fact, I'd rather not even show you this directly

But I do owe it to myself to be as honest as I can

Even though I know there are many cobwebs in my mind

I am yet to truly see

 

My desire to live is strong

There is so much I value in this life

Maybe I don't value the same things as you, though

But when we're both at peace, that's completely alright

However, I know that we have been, and probably will be strained again

And then the temptation will return

To end it all,

And to tell myself it's a favor to both me and you, and humanity at large

That I ended my worthless life for the greater good

It's a temptation I've faced to varying degrees before

And so far, I've resisted

 

And though I hope I can continue to resist when it calls me again

Only time will tell

Whether this life of mine

Ultimately stops by my own hands.


© Copyright 2018 Pulak Km. All rights reserved.

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