On Mental Illness (my very brief account)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

I wrote this after Kate Spade’s passing, and finally decided to post it on here.

Submitted: June 14, 2018

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Submitted: June 14, 2018



As someone struggling with depression and anxiety, I felt as though I needed to speak on today’s news. But I should note that I, obviously, didn’t personally know Kate Spade, and mental illness affects each person differently, so I am speaking merely from my own perspective. 

My battle with depression is a daily routine. Each morning when I wake up, I have to remind myself that my existence is worthwhile. Each morning when I open my eyes, I have to silence the voice in my mind that tells me I am a waste of space. Each morning when I stand before the bathroom mirror and go through the mindless motions of brushing my teeth, I have to make an effort to find some sort of purpose, albeit temporary, to cling to. 

Sometimes during the day I space out for long periods of time, either thinking about nothing or listening to the negative thoughts echoing through my head. Then I feel my head detaching itself from my body. I feel weightless, absentminded, as though I am a separate entity observing the demise of a pathetic human being. My body does what it wants, and I have no control over it. The worst part about this is that I have no scars on my body, no physical and visible indications that I have been through a painful experience. All the injuries I have sustained (and continue to sustain) in this war - yes, I believe that this is bigger than just one battle - with depression are invisible. Thus, there’s no way to prove to others that I am not just lazy, that I sometimes spend hours completely detached from others, while my body continues to operate as if on autopilot. 

And whenever I do feel present, I am TOO present, too involved with everything life has to offer. This triggers more anxieties and self-doubt, more feelings of guilt that resurface from the past, which again lead me to believe that I am nothing but a parasite, a burden on those around me, that I will always bring them down. 

But deep down I know that life is worth living. I have moments where I am completely at peace with myself and the world around me, and it is those moments that keep me going, even if they’re few and far between. So to all those who are fighting similar wars: just know that I am here, and I am cheering you on. Take it one day at a time, and know that you are worth it.

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