The guilt of my depression

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Horror  |  House: Booksie Classic


This is the story of my life and my battle with my depression.

Submitted: June 14, 2018

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Submitted: June 14, 2018

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If I would have met someone who was going through depression two years ago, I would have asked them “what do you have to be depressed about?”. I would have found their thinking distorted. But today after experiancing depression, I now realize how harmful those words can sound to someone who is going through depression. You have to be careful about what to say to a person battling depression because he will later spend hours overthinking about those little things. Depression is something that will never be understood by someone who has not gone through it. Only the people who have suffered or are still suffering can realize the amount of pain. My depression phase started about two years ago. People generally ask me “what triggered your depression?” Or else they ask “who brought this to you?” Well, I wish I could explain or answer these but I don’t even know what I’m going through and that is the most paining part of my suffering. I guess it’s a series of events that happened in my life which changed me. Pain changes people and I have had a lot, some way or the other. My depression led me to a point where I had no self esteem, I was frustrated, alone and worthless without a purpose of life. I couldn’t sleep at nights and I ended up overthinking every night and there were times when I cried myself to sleep but then again I never let anyone know about it. Things started getting worst from the last year or so. I started questioning my entire existance. I started thinking about stuff such as “Would anyone even care or notice if I died?” Or “Wouldn’t everyone’s life be better off without me?”. As much as I know how distorted that sounds to people who care about me but these things or thoughts are out of my control. I overthink them all night long and I cant help myself. I had constant guilt about my depression. Some of the people I opened up to, had some of the most insignificant things to say about my depression. People dont deserve this mental illness. Some will often say to me get rid of your depression. Snap out of it or things like cheer up. Sometimes I wish it was as simple as that but it isn’t. It is hard and no one chooses it. I never chose to feel this way. I didn’t open up to people because I was afraid they will think I’m weak. Or I didn’t want to be a burden to people and upset them because no matter how much effort they put in or how much they cared to make me feel better, I was always depressed in the end. So whenever people ask “how are you?” I always say “I’m fine.” I started putting on a mask in order to get through my days therefore people were often surprise if they got to know I was going through depression. Yes, I smile and joke around people because I dont want them to know I’m suffering. I dont want want them to look into my eyes and see my misery. Al though in my heart I always hope that people understand my suffering and support me because at times it all gets so exhausting.


© Copyright 2018 Hamza S. Arisar. All rights reserved.

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