insight

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: June 17, 2018

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Submitted: June 17, 2018

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Was there ever a point in your life where nothing seemed to have purpose, nothing was going right, and you felt so alone. Like searching for light at the end of the tunnel, only you couldn’t see an end in sight? I know I have felt like this majority of my life. Trying to find an escape from a life I once found so hopeless. I just wanted to run away, I needed to find something that could really make me feel welcomed, hopeful, and ALIVE to continue to keep going even when I felt like giving up.

Looking back today, I lived in constant fear. I don’t remember many happy times shared with family and friends. I was raised in a house of chaos which never felt like home. I’ve experienced abuse, that mentally damaged my self-esteem and self worth. I was an orphan, can you imagine?  The fear that has been instilled, that what if my childhood scars would reflect me to fail as a mom. What if I’m a failure like my biological parents who failed me? But instead it was the complete opposite. Never compare yourself,or your situations because I am determined to be a good parent. I already am!  being a mom is not just giving birth, it’s so much more then that. It’s loving and knowing a soul before you even see it. It’s carrying and caring for a life that’s completely dependant on you for survival. It’s giving air to the lungs that grew within you, and sight to the eyes that will never see you as anything but mommy. It’s sleepless nights, its nursing scratches and scrapes, it’s being stern and protective. It’s teaching them to talk, to walk and to eventually run. It’s bracing them for a fall, and dusting them off after they do. It’s seeing them cry and not knowing how to fix it, so you sit on the floor and hold them and cry right along beside them. It’s teaching them that they are smart, capable, funny and giving them the security to do great things. It’s building their self-esteem, supporting their dreams and loving them unconditionally. It’s a love that grows continually, a love that always wants more and better. It’s being terrified that you can’t prevent pain. It’s laughing at jokes that aren’t even funny, but the way they say it makes it’s hilarious. It’s listening to stories that go on and on without a point. It’s always being available .giving your child your time is precious.time is so important and one thing that you can’t get returned.

I am living proof, I always felt cheated in life but today I feel blessed. Because my past has prepared me for this moment in my life. It had opened my eyes and heart to a whole new level. I had never felt love like this before.  Watching my son grow fills my heart with so much happiness. And just because I didn’t get to have such a happy childhood, in the end I Most definitely benefitted. I was able to find myself; I was able to identify my strength. You see, I would be lying if I said pain is the worst thing in life for you to experience, because I profited from pain. It had expanded my vision to so many possibilities, it had opened my heart to appreciate love and not to take things for granted.  I believe my childhood has shaped me, molded me into the young women I have become. I didn’t allow my fear, pain, and emotions change my heart on how I view life. Instead I used my pain as a motivation not an excuse. Now, today I feel less likely to setbacks, and I am eager to face life for what it is and not what my expectations believed it should be. Because I am a survivor!

You should not feel enslaved to anything in life. No matter what the situation may be, there is a lesson in the end. You can’t just look at a book, and not open it up because the cover was not bright enough, or the title was not captivating. Don’t assume the worth or value of something or someone by its appearance. For example, you may read my work and say wow “That girl is broken and insignificant, but if you were able to get to know this girl you would see how powerful and amazing she really is"

You see, not every bad experience in life damages you, it’s all about perspective and how you handle each situation, like focusing on the positive instead of all the negative. Because holding onto resentment will only poison you. Keep you trapped in the past, and allowing it to define who you are today. But if you accept that life will eventually knock you down, is the first step in growth. But trying to avoid hardships, and run away because you can’t face pain will leave you at a standstill.

It took me years to face my hardships. I sat there and complained, cried “why me” but never did a damn thing to change. Then finally I admitted to myself that I wasn’t okay, that someone, somewhere feels exactly as I did. That it’s is okay not to be okay.

I was able to overcome  my greatest struggles in life, with music ! Music gave me confidence, hope that one day everything will be alright. You see music tells a story, about life, living by gods values, being proud of your heritage, it’s being working class and unashamed. It’s the simpler good times and love stories almost a fairy tale. It’s like your crying reflection of a pain - something everyone has felt. And its amazing how you can relate and connect with people you never meant. 

 And it’s so inspiring how beautiful everyone’s story is. Behind everything great in life, there was once sadness and without experiencing such a crucial past, it’s hard to appreciate how beautiful things can be. 

Ive desired to discover love for the longest time searching and hoping. I never could really grasp the meaning of what love was. But I realized Love is just a word 'til you feel it and finally understand

That some things don't mean anything 'til one day they mean everything, like my son blessing unexpectedly, saved me ! He was was my lesson, from the moment I found out I was going to be a mother , I had 8 months to learn how to love myself, figure out a way to turn my pain into power, and learn to understand it’s not what you do for your child but what you have thought them to do for themselves to become successful. So don’t give up, there is a plan for each and everyone one of us. And there is a reason for everything we experience in our life.because, all have a purpose!


© Copyright 2018 Tara Collacchi. All rights reserved.

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