Impaired self-esteem

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic


simple human with flaws

Submitted: June 19, 2018

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Submitted: June 19, 2018

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Who I am and what triggers me have become ancient. Now, I am always tangled and conscious of how to talk, act, eat and even sit around people because I am concerned about what they’ll think of me, the rumours that will be spread, and the failure/setbacks these will generate. My current buddies (friends and associates I made in the last five years) will definitely say ‘she is the quiet type’. Well, they are right, and it is the result of my destroyed self-esteem. Growing up, I was the girl you will find in a theatre, drumming and dancing group. Oh, I loved acting. In high school, I was a troublemaker; all my teachers knew me and flogged me because I was either disturbing the peace of the class or sleeping during lectures (What a child I was!), but I lost all when I decided to broaden my horizons. Science have always been my safe haven and favourite thing because I love reading and learning, which is why I pursued a career in clinical research in another country.

Change is a dynamic thing. When it occurs within us, we don’t realize immediately until the effects starts to show in our daily lives. Over time, I began to release that I am not the bubbling and always talking type anymore, I focused more on my flaws than my strengths, I began to notice my colour and appearance because I realized I was different. The major effect I saw was shattered self-esteem; I started acting to be accepted, caution became my watchword, I don’t defend myself against their slanders/conspiracies because of fear that I might be flung out, ridiculed and strip of my science, so I relegated into the background and my happiness became dependent on their positive words and acceptance. Often when I try to break the hold and reclaim myself, something bad happens; people misinterpret my intentions, judge, and abuse me because I operated outside what they call ‘ACCEPTABLE', their piercing words and rejections brings me back to hiding. Inferiority complex is somewhat my identity and sincerely the disadvantages are enormous. People prey and exhort my abilities, take advantage of my quietness and shyness to use and dump me because they know I am nobody. Writing about it provides me a platform to stand and remind myself that ‘this is not me, and the world made me this way’ and to continuously break the hold of inferiority complex daily. I don’t want to be perfect, but I want to evolve with my imperfection, be myself at all stages of my life, retrieve my self-esteem, fight/stand for myself when everyone else fights against me, lift my head high when I am being laughed at, taunted and disgraced. I just want to be a simple human with flaws and self-pride.

 


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