The Valley of the Tools Episode 8

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Lilly catches Rob lying about his past marriage to Jamie, Hannah doesn't feel like Rob is taking her ideas seriously, and Bonnie manages her acting career from her desk at Altmire-Stone

Submitted: June 21, 2018

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 21, 2018









“You know I am no stranger, I know rules are a bore. But just to keep you from danger- I am the law”

  • Phillip Oakey


(We start with a shot of a bartender pouring two shot glasses with tequila, as swanky music plays in the background. The female bartender carries these shots to Rob and Lilly, who are sitting in this dimly lit establishment, clearly already tipsy)


ROB: Thanks.


BARTENDER: No problem.


LILLY: So, before we take these, let me finish the story.


ROB: Okay.


LILLY:  So, just listen-


ROB: I’m listening!

(Rob laughs)


LILLY: I stole my mom’s car-


ROB: Uh-huh.


LILLY: And I never brought it back.


ROB: What?


LILLY: That’s the story.


ROB: There has to be more to it!

LILLY: Yes, I crashed into a lake, and never told her about it.


ROB: Oh my God! Why?


LILLY: I didn’t want her to know, dumbass. (Rob laughs) Jesus, do I have to hold your hand through everything?


(Rob is cracking up, and the two of them clink their shot glasses together, put them on the table and take their shots)


ROB: Oooh, that goes down smooth.


LILLY: It’s fucking tequila.


ROB: It’s fucking seltzer water to me, okay, hands back up. (Rob puts up two fingers, and Lilly puts up five) Your turn.


LILLY: Alright, alright, alright, shit, it’s totally unfair, because your crazy ass has done everything, let me think. I’ve never committed bestiality.


ROB: I showed a dog my penis when I was six, but, full on? No.


LILLY: Did not need to know that. But now that you bring it up, was he impressed?


ROB: He didn’t seem to have an opinion.


(Lilly snarls a laugh out)


LILLY: Oh, my God, I’m sorry, go ahead with yours.


ROB: Alright, I’ve never, been to Britain.


LILLY: Oh, God no, I hate British people. Okay, I have never…hmm…been married.


(Rob looks almost imperceptibly nervous, and he keeps his two fingers up)


ROB: …Nope.


LILLY: Never been married? Thirty-nine years? Have you ever been engaged?


ROB: Never.


LILLY: Alright. Your turn.


ROB: …I’ve never had Lillian Fischer spend the night at my house before.


(Lilly smiles, as Rob grasps her hand on the bar. The two get closer and start making out. Cut to Rob slamming Lilly against his bed. The two are totally naked and making out. The camera pans to the window, as we time lapse to the morning. Rob and Lilly are both fast asleep until Rob’s iPhone alarm goes off- it’s the theme music to “Rocky”. Rob checks his phone- it’s 8AM on Monday, June 18th, 2018. He turns off his alarm and sits up)


LILLY: Rocky, are you kidding me?


ROB: That story is inspiring as shit, fuck the haters.


LILLY: Am I “the haters”?


ROB: You are.


(Lilly chuckles and rolls her eyes as Rob gets up and puts his pants on)


LILLY: Where are you going?


ROB: I have to shower and go to work. You know, because it’s a Monday.


LILLY: Ugh. I’d rather kill myself.


ROB: Do you not have work?


LILLY: My boss is sick, so there’s no point in me coming in. I’ll have plenty of time to give people cancer tomorrow.


(Rob takes a pack of cigarettes from his nightstand, fishes one out and puts it in his mouth)


ROB: God Bless You, Lillian Fischer.


(Lilly chuckles, and Rob walks into the bathroom)


LILLY: You can’t smoke those in the shower, you know!

ROB: That’s your opinion. (Rob pokes his head out of the bathroom door) Feel free to stay here until I get back.


LILLY: I’ll consider it.


ROB: Why, thank you.


(Rob tips his imaginary hat and closes the door. Lilly smiles and sits up in her bed. Lilly looks at the pack of cigarettes on the table, and out of an impulse of curiosity, puts one in her mouth. She hears the shower come on in the next room, so she takes Rob’s lighter and lights it. She immediately regrets this, starts couching profusely while stubbing the cigarette out in Rob’s ash tray)


LILLY: FUCK- (Cough) How do people- (Cough) do this?!


(Cut to Rob walking into the new offices of Altmire-Stone, a busy office aflutter with activity. Ryan is manning the reception desk, staring at his laptop. There is a sign behind him reading “Altmire-Stone Productions” and a waiting area with old magazines scattered on a glass coffee table. There is also a conference room across from the reception desk. Hannah, Luther and Miles emerge from a shared office with two or three desks, holding papers expectantly as Rob walks towards his office at the end of the hall)


HANNAH: Rob, we were supposed to have the status meeting at 10 sharp, it’s 10:20!


ROB: Sorry, I had sex with Lilly last night, AND this morning after I took a shower- (Rob stands in the doorway holding a laptop bag) plus, the traffic coming to Beverly Hills was pretty bad. Come in.


(Rob walks in and sits behind his desk, as Hannah looks to Miles and Luther)


HANNAH: Learned my lesson there.




MILES: I wouldn’t mind knowing more, but I’m not gonna seek it out.


(Hannah rolls her eyes as her, Luther and Miles come in and take their seats)


ROB: Okay, where did we leave off on Friday?


LUTHER: I think we were talking about that, child separation thing, at the border.


ROB: No, I mean, as it relates to the company- although, yeah, that whole thing is fucked right up.


HANNAH: I know! The Government’s ripping crying children away from their parents!? Just because?! It’s like we’re super villains!

ROB: I heard they were using Nazi tactics, telling the parents they’re going for a bath or something, and then they just never return.


HANNAH: Jesus Christ, what have we become?


ROB: I don’t know…there’s nothing funny about this, huh?


HANNAH: Why would there be anything funny about this?


ROB: What were we talking about on Friday?


HANNAH: We were talking about adapting the book series “Astro-Manda” into a TV show.


ROB: Yes! Right! The book series from your childhood about the badass space savior woman.


HANNAH: Yeah, I’ve called friends at Epix and Amazon, and they say there’s at least a chance they would consider a deal to-


ROB: But we need a writer for it, which is why I told my friend Joss Payne to phone in on this meeting. BONNIE, COULD WE GET JOSS PAYNE ON LINE ONE?!


(Cut to Bonnie, who is sitting at a desk in an office caddy corner from Rob’s, and near the copy room)


BONNIE: You don’t have to yell, I’m right fucking here.


(Bonnie picks up the phone and punches in a number. Cut to Rob and the team in his office. Hannah looks downtrodden)


ROB: Should be just a second-


BONNIE: (Offscreen) Joss Payne is on line one!

ROB: Thank you! (Rob puts his office phone on speakerphone) What’s up, Joss? How you been since we snorted addy together at Adam Scott’s 42nd birthday party?


JOSS: (On speakerphone) I’m actually clean and sober now-


ROB: Cool, cool, so, I’m here with Miles Grothman, Luther Moon and Hannah Delaney, and we’re wondering what are your thoughts on adapting Astro-Manda?


JOSS: I think it’s a great idea that lives up to the mission statement of your company. Creating feminist content is super important, and this badass, space, super hero character, of sorts, would be someone little girls could look up to.


HANNAH: I agree, and-


MILES: I agree, Joss, it’s super important, but does it have to be a kid’s show?


JOSS: Hell no! This could be, like, True Detective in space, but with a female lead!

HANNAH: Wait, but True Detective is an anthology series-


JOSS: Yeah, exactly, so next season the lead could be a man, even. You know, just to keep it fresh.


HANNAH: Joss, it’s called “Astro-Manda”!

ROB: Yes, but the word “man” is in there. It works.


JOSS: Speaking of which, I have a ton of ideas for love interests. Martian lawyers, doctors, priests-


HANNAH: Joss, “Astro-Manda” takes place in another Galaxy, there is no “Mars” there, and also, priests can’t marry!

JOSS: Martian ones can!


LUTHER: He’s got you there.


HANNAH: Doesn’t erase the fact that there are no Martians, Joss, have you read the books?


(Awkward pause)


JOSS: …No, but I have read the Wikipedia article extensively, and I think we can turn this dumb kid’s book series into a gritty, sexy, True Detective in space kind of thing. Maybe get Olivia Munn or Kate Mara to play Amanda.


HANNAH: I just-


ROB: Love that angle, Joss, look forward to touching base in a few weeks once we get a network’s interest.


JOSS: Sounds good bye.


ROB: Bye. (Joss hangs up) Thoughts?


HANNAH: …Rob, honestly, I was hoping to write the adaptation. I mean, I’ve been of Astro-Manda since I was a kid.


ROB: Hm. I appreciate your perspective, Hannah, but you’ve got your hands full with the Susan B. Anthony miniseries thing, so I prefer to go outside these walls for this one.


MILES: Agreed.


LUTHER: …Sure.


(Hannah is visibly upset)


ROB: …Great meeting, guys!


(Cut to Whitney sitting behind her desk, her feet up on the desk, reading a script as she chomps down on an apple. Hannah comes in, looking pissed as all hell)


WHITNEY: Did McKenzie step away?


HANNAH: I’m your girlfriend, I shouldn’t have to ask your secretary if I can come in.


(Hannah closes the door, and heads over to the mini fridge in the corner of the room, near the sofas and coffee table)


WHITNEY: She’s my assistant. (Hannah takes a Shock Top beer from Whitney’s mini-fridge) 11am? Shit, girl. What happened?

HANNAH: Rob happened.


(Whitney puts her feet down)




(Hannah shakes her head and brings the beer over to Whitney)


HANNAH: It’s not like that. Can you open this for me, please?


(Whitney smiles, takes a bottle opener, cracks it open, and hands it back to her)


WHITNEY: What is it like, then?


HANNAH: I wanted to write “Astro-Manda”, but Rob brought in some asshole who used to write for Drawn Together.


WHITNEY: Jesus, I have not thought about that show in a while.


HANNAH: There’s a reason for that. It’s supposed to be a feminist show, and he brings in some dickhead who didn’t even read the books?


WHITNEY: Yeah, that pisses me off too.


HANNAH: Well, then do something about it! I mean, think about what you THOUGHT this conversation was going to be about. I have to work for a guy who harassed me at one point.


WHITNEY: I know, babe. But you wanted this job. I said you should pursue acting, like your dream.


HANNAH: I can do both. I want to be a part of something. (Hannah finishes her beer) But you seem to be the Rob-whisperer around here, so, please get to whispering.


(Hannah puts the bottle on Whitney’s desk and leaves the office. Cut to Bonnie typing on the computer in her office area. McKenzie pops her head in)





MCKENZIE: I’m going to lunch; do you want to make it assistant bonding time?


BONNIE: I’ll go to lunch as long as you don’t call it that.


MCKENZIE: Awesome! I’ll tell Rob.


BONNIE: I’ll tell him. Rob, I’m taking lunch!



(Bonnie and McKenzie hold their ears)


BONNIE: Jesus.


(Cut to Bonnie and McKenzie sitting in a café called the Lazy Daisy, a small street-side brunch place. They both have coffees)


MCKENZIE: Being Whitney’s assistant is more fun than I thought. I get to say stuff like “Whitney Stone’s office”. It makes me sound super important.


BONNIE: Well, someone’s on the manic side of their manic depression.


MCKENZIE: Thanks for noticing!

(McKenzie and Bonnie laugh)


BONNIE: Working for Rob’s alright, but I’m not gonna do it forever. It pays the bills.


MCKENZIE: I hear you.


(McKenzie sips on coffee as a coiffed twenty-something Puerto Rican man comes over to Bonnie and McKenzie’s table and points at Bonnie)


COIFFED TWENTYSOMETHING: Oh my God, you’re- (He puts his finger down) so sorry, it’s rude to point. You’re Bonnie Backlash, right?


BONNIE: Yes, you’ve jerked off to me, I get it-


COIFFED TWENTYSOMETHING: What? No! I saw you on The Box, I thought you were a great host! I was so triggered that it got cancelled.


BONNIE: Oh. Thank you. (Bonnie shakes the man’s hand) What’s your name?




(Bonnie lets go of his hand)


BONNIE: Cool to meet you. Want me to sign something?


RICARDO: Sure, sign this menu.


(Ricardo hands Bonnie a menu and a pen. Bonnie signs the menu)


BONNIE: Doesn’t this belong to the restaurant?


RICARDO: Not anymore!

(Ricardo laughs)


MCKENZIE: That’s funny. Do you recognize me? I was also in The Box, I was one of the contestants.


RICARDO: …Really? Were you the chick who scalped that other girl?


MCKENZIE: …No, no, Ricardo, that was not me. I don’t love Jesus enough to do that.


BONNIE: Here. (Bonnie hands the menu to Ricardo. He smiles, waves and walks away. Bonnie turns to McKenzie, smiles and shrugs. Cut to Bonnie at her desk talking on her cell phone) Hello? Yeah, are you Ronald Donaldson? You responded to my Craigslist ad seeking a- (whispering) acting agent? (Normal voice) What’s your rate? (Bonnie sits back, in disbelief) I can definitely pay that. Shit. You need to get some self-respect if you’re charging that little. Uh-huh. (Pause) An opportunity? Yeah, send him over. (Rob walks into Bonnie’s office) Uhhhh, no, Mr. Altmire will no donate to the American NAZI Party, I don’t believe I even have to run this by him, fascist! Goodbye! (Bonnie hangs up) Sorry about that.


ROB: That was the American Nazi Party seeking donations? In Beverly Hills?


BONNIE: Can you believe? Congressmen are re-tweeting Nazi propaganda, the President is comparing immigrants to vermin, a Neo-Nazi is running against Time Kaine- the world’s gone mad with Nazism! What are you gonna do? (Bonnie laughs) What’s up?


ROB: …Tell Whitney we need to delay the meeting she requested until tomorrow, I’m going to an arcade with some guys from MGM. See you tomorrow.


(Rob leaves. Bonnie nods)


BONNIE: See ya. (Bonnie picks up her phone again and calls the person back) Sorry about that, my boss came by, and he’s a real bitch tits. What were you saying?


(Cut to Bonnie sitting in a Starbucks, slurping on a coffee. A 17-year old in a suit walks in and extends his hand to Bonnie)


17-YEAR OLD: Bonnie Backlash, right?


(A confused Bonnie shakes his hand)


BONNIE: Yes, and who are you?


17-YEAR OLD: Ronald Donaldson.

(Bonnie releases Ronald’s hand as he sits down)


BONNIE: …Junior?


RONALD: No. Senior. Please, Ronald Donaldson Junior was my father’s name!

(Ronald laughs)


BONNIE: That doesn’t make any-


RONALD: I’m just kidding, that’s a reference to Finding Nemo. Which, came out when I was…very old.

BONNIE: Really?


RONALD: I know, people tell me I have a baby face.


BONNIE: Yeah. You look like a seventeen-year old boy, right down to the acne.


RONALD: You must mean my liver spots. (Bonnie shakes her head “no”) Anyway, let’s get down to business. I have a meeting for you and a 21st Century Fox executive named Adam Adams. He’s considering you for a role in a big movie!

BONNIE: …Really?


RONALD: Yes, it has Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, George Clooney, Bill Paxton-


BONNIE: Bill Paxton?


RONALD: Star-studded, and they want you to be the romantic interest of all of those actors, it’s a love triangle, or I guess a love pentagon, will you take the meeting?


BONNIE: …His name is Adam Adams?!


RONALD: I’ll put you down for Tuesday at two!


(Cut to Lilly, pajama-clad, comfortable, opening Rob’s fridge to discover there’s almost only alcohol in there. Lilly shakes her head)


LILLY: He needs help. (Lilly shrugs- what the hell? She grabs a bottle of whiskey and takes a swig. She turns around to see Gilberta, Rob’s housekeeper, bringing in the mail) Holy shit!


GILBERTA: Oh, you’re American? I guess he’s off his German phase.


(Gilberta puts the mail on the counter)


LILLY: What? No, I’m not a prostitute, I’m dating Mr. Altmire.


GILBERTA: Uh-huh. I’m gonna clean the bedroom.


(Gilberta walks past Lilly, chuckling. Lilly looks at the mail on the counter. She gravitates to the counter and takes a peek. One of the letters is from the Department of Justice. Lilly is puzzled. The text reads “Testimony of Good Character for U.S. Clemency Request”. Lilly furrows her brow, but backs away, and turns back to the fridge. But then, not being able to resist, runs back and opens the letter. She begins reading it)


LILLY: (Voice over) “U.S. Department of Justice, Office of the Pardon Attorney. 950 Pennsylvania Avenue, Northwest Washington D.C. June 18th, 2018. Dear Mr. Robert Altmire. It has come to our attention that Jamiella A. Gerlach, a U.S. citizen who fled to Russia in 2015 with Ethan Donahue to avoid criminal prosecution in an embezzlement case, is seeking a pardon from the President of the United States so she may return to the U.S. without fear of prosecution. During the course of investigation, we discovered that the two of you were married from 2013 until- (Lilly’s eyes widen) 2014. We reach out to you so you may provide us a testimony of her character so we may determine whether the President should consider her request or lay it aside. Sincerely, Larry Kupers, U.S. Pardon Attorney”.


LILLY: (Real voice) Son of a bitch.


(Lilly slams the letter on the desk. Cut to Rob walking out of his office holding a forty ounce. Ryan gets a call)


RYAN: Altmire-Stone Productions. (Ryan listens for a second, and his eyes light up) Oh. Hi. Please hold. (Ryan puts the call on hold and turns to Rob) Rob, you have a call on line one.


ROB: I’m leaving for the day, direct the call to Bonnie.


RYAN: Bonnie just left.


ROB: What?! I didn’t say she could leave just because I’m leaving! (Rob scoffs) Fine, who is it?


RYAN: Well, it’s uh…Jamie Gerlach.


(Rob’s eyes widen and jaw drops)


ROB: Oh.


RYAN: Yeah.


ROB: Uh, tell her I’m not here-


RYAN: Okay-


ROB: No! Uh, I’ll take it. Thanks.


RYAN: Okay. This is super juicy, so can I be on it? I’ll be quiet.


ROB: Fuck you. (Rob heads into his office and Ryan hangs up the phone. Cut to Rob sitting at his desk with his phone to his ear) This is Rob.


JAMIE: (On the phone) Hi, Rob. Do you have any idea what time it is?


(Rob squints)


ROB: It’s 3pm, but-


JAMIE: Yeah, well, it’s one in the fucking morning here.


ROB: Right. That must suck for you. What do you want?


JAMIE: Did you get the letter?


ROB: What letter?


JAMIE: From the DOJ. I did a pardon request and they’re reaching out to my former lovers to get an idea of my character.


ROB: Please refrain from using the word “lovers” around me, please.


JAMIE: I need to get out of Russia, Rob. Be gentle when you respond. Ethan got pardoned, I deserve one too!

ROB: Fine, I’ll write you a glowing review. And maybe, two years from now, when Trump is done pardoning conservative commentators, his own aides, his own family and himself, he’ll get around to pardoning you.


JAMIE: That’s the hope.


ROB: Wait, when did this letter supposedly arrive?


JAMIE: I don’t know, should’ve been today or yesterday.


(Rob tenses up)


ROB: I have to go. (Rob hangs up and bolts out the door. He turns to Ryan) Call MGM we’ll need to arcade another time! (Rob bolts out the door. Ryan shrugs and gets on his phone. Cut to Rob bursting into his house and running to the kitchen. He rushes up the opened DOJ letter on the counter) Shit.


(Rob runs out the door. Cut to him pulling up to Lilly’s apartment. He runs inside and begins furiously knocking on her door. Lilly opens up)


LILLY: Oh, hello, Mr. Gerlach.


ROB: Lilly, I can explain-


LILLY: We haven’t been dating very long, in fact, I’m not seven sure if this is officially a relationship, and you’ve already had to “explain” too many times.


ROB: I lied about it, and I’m sorry. But I guess I lied because, the marriage didn’t mean anything! We got married so she could get health insurance from my employer, it wasn’t because we actually wanted to get married.


LILLY: You weren’t romantically involved?


ROB: No, we were, but we didn’t love each other. That’s why we divorced so quickly. Have you ever seen the movie “I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry”?




ROB: I don’t know, it’s just a really underrated movie.


(Lilly sighs)


LILLY: This all sounds plausible, but, I know your reputation. And if you’re willing to lie about this, what else are you willing to lie about?


(Rob licks his lips nervously)


ROB: …Lilly, when I was a sophomore in high school I carried on a sexual affair with one of my teachers. When I was fifteen, I was sent to boarding school, where I tried heroin for the first time. I did so much coke during my nine years as a club bouncer that my left nostril has permanently widened. I once got arrested for hijacking a tractor in my underwear, tripping on LSD-


LILLY: But you said you had never stolen a car-? Ohhhhh.


ROB: Yeah. I’m selfish, I’m arrogant, I’m an ego monster. But I’m trying to be better. And when I’m around you, I feel like I can.


(Lilly sighs)


LILLY: Just, come in.


(Rob comes in and sits down on Lilly’s couch. Her apartment is messy, clothes and bras strewn around, a bucket for every leak, receipts and condensation stains scattered on her coffee table)


ROB: Wow. Nice place.


LILLY: Fuck off. (Lilly goes into her kitchen) Do you want something?


ROB: No, I ate. (Lilly comes out with two PBRs. She throws one to Rob) Thank you.


(Lilly sits down, pulls a drawer out from her coffee table, pulls pout a piece of paper and a pencil, and sets it down in front of her. She then opens her beer)


LILLY: Do the letter.


(Rob cracks open his beer)


ROB: What?


LILLY: Dictate the letter, I’ll write it.


ROB: Lilly, you don’t have to do that.


LILLY: I want to.


ROB: I’m not gonna shit on her, you know?


LILLY: I know. I feel like I need to do this.


(Rob shrugs)


ROB: Alright. Here I go. (Rob sniffs) “S’up? This is Rob-“


LILLY: Okay, we’re not starting it like that.


(Cut to White House advisor Stephen Miller sitting in his darkened office, the drapes drawn, lightning striking outside, as Larry Kupers sits across from him. Stephen is reading Rob’s letter)


STEPHEN MILLER: “Ms. Gerlach is a pretty chill girl who was caught up in some bad shit because my ex-brother-in-law is an asshole. She deserves a full pardon from the President. Sincerely, Rob Altmire”. Wow. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Larry.


LARRY KUPERS: You’re welcome. You know, it was sunny when I walked into the White House-


STEPHEN: This lifts my spirits after the President reversed the child-kidnapping policy, you know? I think he’ll love this. Mr. Donahue is on his enemy’s list.


LARRY: Donahue should be worried. Gerlach has ties to the Russian mob, and she’s pissed Ethan left her to rot in Russia after he got his pardon.


STEPHEN: And, we have a Republican Governor in Vermont that will do whatever we ask of him.


(Stephen begins laughing maniacally)


LARRY: (Interrupting) I’d love to stay and laugh maniacally, but I gotta beat the traffic.


STEPHEN: Oh. Of course.


(Larry begins to get up. Cut to Rob sitting in his office, wearing sunglasses as he scrolls through his phone. Whitney walks in)


ROB: Oh. Christ.


(Rob rests his head on his desk)


WHITNEY: Is this a bad time? Actually, I don’t care, you’ve already delayed this meeting enough.


(Whitney sits down in front of Rob’s desk. He lifts up his head and sits back)


ROB: I can’t tell if Lilly is keeping up with me, or if I’m keeping up with her, but that girl likes to drink.


WHITNEY: I don’t appreciate the way you treated Hannah yesterday.


ROB: What do you mean?


WHITNEY: You brought in some guy who hasn’t had a professional TV writing job since DRAWN TOGETHER, and you gave him “Astro-Manda” even though Hannah’s read the books, and really wanted it.


ROB: Oh, she told on me? Fine, I wanted to do a favor for a friend who was down on his luck, for the last, ten years, granted! But, I guess I’ll throw it Hannah’s way since the Empress has decreed it.


WHITNEY: Fuck you, Rob, it has nothing to do with that! We brand ourselves as a feminist production company, we can’t have a man write our strong female space hero show! (Whitney stands up) And no more favors for your old coke buddies! We’re a business, not a charity for addicts with mommy issues!


(Whitney storms out of the office. Rob bites his upper lip. Cut to a few hours later. Miles, McKenzie and Luther are funneling into Rob’s office, as Rob looks on. They take their seats)


LUTHER: How’s it going, bossman?


ROB: Poorly. What do you guys got?

LUTHER: I read a script that was submitted by Chuck Woolery, and, it was shit.


ROB: Okay, moving on. Just a little announcement to let you guys know, I thought about it a little bit, and I think I’m gonna reverse course on Astro-Manda. Gonna give it to Hannah.


HANNAH: Oh! Thanks. Appreciate that.


LUTHER: Pound it.


(Luther extends his fist, Hannah pounds it)


ROB: Yeah. She’s the woman for the job. Whenever you can, send me your outline for the pilot, okay?


HANNAH: Absolutely.


ROB: Alright. Next up, where are we on-


BONNIE: (Offscreen) Rob, I have Joss Payne on line one!

ROB: Oh. Okay.


HANNAH: You don’t have to talk to him right now, do you-?


ROB: No, go ahead, put him on!


(Hannah, Miles and Luther tense up. Rob puts Joss on speakerphone. He’s crying)


JOSS: Rob! Rob! What’d I do!?


ROB: Joss, just calm down, buddy-




ROB: Joss-






ROB: Joss, calm down-


LUTHER: (Muttering) This motherfucker just bang his head against the wall?


JOSS: I’ll do anything, I’ll do whatever you want, this was my first job in TEN YEARS, Rob!

HANNAH: Rob, just give him the job back.


ROB: No! I believe a woman should write this story! End of discussion, Joss!


JOSS: I am NOT above sexual favors, Rob-


ROB: I am. Sorry, Joss-




(Rob hangs up)


ROB: Sorry about that, guys.


(Hannah shakes her head)


HANNAH: Why’d you take that call?


ROB: What do you mean?


(Hannah stands up)




(Rob stands up)


ROB: Whoa, okay, Luther, Miles, we’ll talk later. (Miles and Luther stand up and quickly leave. The door shuts behind them) Hannah-


HANNAH: WHY are you being an ASSHOLE?! (Hannah shrugs) Why am I even asking that?


ROB: Hannah, I’m sorry. But I had to deal with that blubbering asshole for two hours today. And I don’t appreciate being told on, when you could’ve just taken it up with me directly.


HANNAH: I told you I wanted it!

ROB: In a meeting. If you speak with me in private, you can be more candid. I don’t know if you’re planning on following your girlfriend around forever, but she’s not always going to be around to save you.


HANNAH: Yes, Rob, she WILL die someday.


ROB: You know what I mean. Take stuff like that up with me, don’t go behind my back.


HANNAH: I… (Hannah sighs) you’re right. But you’re still a dick.


ROB: Make it my epitaph.


HANNAH: Can I at least co-write with homeless baby man?


ROB: Sure. Here’s his number and address-


(Rob hands Hannah a piece of paper that reads “Joss Payne- 323-401-7393, address: 7th Street Bridge (under it)”)


HANNAH: …Awww.


(Cut to Ryan sitting at reception, reading a script)


RYAN: …No.


(Ryan throws the script in the trash, as a fifteen-year old kid in a suit, with his hair dyed gray, walks up the front desk)


15-YEAR OLD: Hi, I’m Ni- I mean, Adam Adams, and I’m here to see- (Whispering) Bonnie Backlash! (He beams, normal voice) Is she here?


(Ryan squints, confused)


RYAN: Yeah. Go ahead and wait with the others.


(Ryan points towards the waiting area, where four teenagers in suits are already waiting)


ADAM: Thanks! (Adam goes and sits on the couch and takes out his phone) Bro, do you play Fortnite?


OTHER TEENAGER: Yeah, dude, what are your stink bomb stats?


(Pan over to Ryan, as Noel walks over)


NOEL: More kids to see Bonnie? What the heck?


RYAN: Calm down, you’re only a couple years older than them. (Ryan hands Noel the trashcan) Can you read these scripts? They’re dumb and I don’t want to read them.


NOEL: Fine. (Noel takes the trash can) I just hope those creeps get out of here soon.


(Noel walks away. Ryan gets up and walks to Bonnie’s office, sticks his head in)


RYAN: Adam Adams is here.


BONNIE: Awesome! Send him back.


(Ryan goes to the front desk)


RYAN: Adam, she’s ready for you.


(Adam jumps up)




(Adam walks back there. Rob walks into the office and up to reception)


ROB: Hey, while I was shitting, did I get any calls from the Justice Department, or the White House?


RYAN: …Yeah, in that four-minute window the President called and said he was gonna put these babies- (Ryan points to the teens) in cages.


(Rob turns to the teens in the waiting area. He furrows his brow and turns back to Ryan)


ROB: What is this? A Ben Shapiro lookalike contest?


RYAN: They’re all here to see Bonnie.


ROB: …Bizarre. (Rob walks over to the teens) Hey, what business do you young Republicans have here exactly?


14-YEAR OLD: We have meetings with Bonnie. We have a lot of opportunities for her acting career.


(A 16-year old punches the 14-year old in the arm)


16-YEAR OLD: Duuuude! Shut up! We weren’t supposed to say that!

14-YEAR OLD: Wiley! If you punch me like that again, I’m gonna tell mom!


ROB: Oh, Christ.


(Cut to Bonnie speaking with Adam)


BONNIE: Yeah, I love to sun bathe, why do you ask?


ADAM: Only because you sunbathe A LOT in the movie. You’re a, professional sunbather. So, we’re gonna film you sunbathing, a lot.


BONNIE: Okay? And when do I do a scene with Tom? Or George? Or Brad? Or, Bill-? Bill Paxton died, I could’ve sworn.


ADAM: No, you’re confusing him with Bill Pullman.




ADAM: Anyway, Mr. Clooney, Mr. Pitt, Mr. Cruise and Mr. Paxton are all very busy, so we’re shooting their scenes separately to fit their schedules. We’ll shot-reverse-shot the whole thing, it’ll be great.


BONNIE: Uh-huh.


ADAM: The sunbathing scene will be filmed in my backyard, today, if you’re available.


(Bonnie looks uneasy. Rob comes in)


ROB: Bonnie! Hey! Can I talk to you for a minute? Got a lot of important, papers to, roll, with you. We’re making joints.


BONNIE: …Sure. Give me a second, Adam.


(Bonnie stands up)


ADAM: Sure. You can leave your hair tie, here, if you want.


(Bonnie pauses, and just walks out of the room with Rob. Cut to Bonnie closing the door to Rob’s office)


ROB: Bonnie.


(Bonnie turns to Rob)


BONNIE: I know.


ROB: They’re horny teens who want to film you half-naked for their own fucked up purposes.


BONNIE: I figured that out, thanks.


ROB: Then why are you talking to them?


BONNIE: Because it felt nice to even PRETEND like I was seriously being considered for a non-oral or vaginal type role!

ROB: What about anal?


BONNIE: Anal jobs? Shit, I would kill to get an anal gig.


ROB: Bonnie, I didn’t know you wanted to become an actress so bad you would let acne-ridden teens gawk at you.


BONNIE: Well, I live to please my fans. Fucking catastrophe. Did you get rid of the others?


ROB: Yeah, I told them PewDePie lived on the first floor, and they went down there.


BONNIE: I hope you’re joking. (Rob shakes his head) Jesus. And they say millennials are the worst generation.


ROB: Listen. I have an agent for you who ISN’T fifteen.


BONNIE: My agent’s seventeen, but, go ahead.


ROB: I got him when I first moved to Hollywood. His name is Todd Rosenbaum.


(Rob hands Bonnie Todd Rosenbaum’s card)


BONNIE: But is he Jewish enough?


(Rob chuckles)


ROB: If you ever need to take the morning off for an audition, just let me know. I’m sure I can teach Ryan to do your job.


BONNIE: That’s kind of an insult.


ROB: Well. I don’t want you to be here forever either.


BONNIE: …God, I’m gonna get out of here before this gets cringier.


(Bonnie leaves Rob’s office. Rob takes out a pack of cigarettes, takes a towel from under his desk, stuffs the towel under the door, goes over and opens his window, puts the cigarette in his mouth, lights it, and exhales smoke. Cut to the Oval Office. President Trump is walking in with a cadre of advisors, Stephen Miller, Jared Kushner, John Kelly and Larry Kupers)


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Why is the fake news media not giving me credit for saving those tiny little babies?! (President Trump leans against the Resolute Desk as his advisors stand before him) I freed children, it was as good as Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation!


JOHN KELLY: I totally agree with you, Mr. President, sir, emperor, God-King, please don’t fire me.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Relax, John, you always look like you’re about to shit yourself. (Points to Larry Kupers) Who the hell is this guy?


LARRY: I’m Larry Kupers, Mr. President, the U.S. Pardon Attorney.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Why is this guy here?


STEPHEN: Well, we’re here to talk about the Justice Department, and, well, you hate almost everybody there, so, we found one of the guys you don’t know.




PRESIDENT TRUMP: What do you want?


LARRY: Stephen and I have been talking about a pardon for Jamie Gerlach, Ethan Donahue’s ex-girlfriend.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Why would I do that?


STEPHEN: Gerlach is stuck in Russia, and she can’t come back unless you and Governor Scott pardon her. If she comes back, she’s gonna use her Russian mob connections to go after Ethan Donahue.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Oooh, I love it. But can’t we just use our Russian mob connections to-


(Jared clears his throat)


JARED: We don’t HAVE Russian mob connections, Mr. President.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Right, right, sorry. Yes! Give me the pardon papers. (Larry hands Trump a pardon paper to sign. He sits behind the Resolute Desk and stares at his advisors) Well?


STEPHEN: Oh, yes, sorry.


(Stephen, John, Jared and Larry stand behind the President and look on as he signs the pardon request. Cut to a Russian mobster in a track suit, sitting behind a desk, smoking a cigar in a darkened room. Jamie walks forward flanked by two track suit-wearing Russian mobsters. She sits down in front of him)


JAMIE: It’s done.


RUSSIAN MOBSTER: (Russian accent) Should we do it, or should you?


JAMIE: You intimidate, Nikolai, but I’ll finish the job.


(Nikolai smiles)


NIKOLAI: ? ????? ???? ????.


(SUBTITLES: This one has balls)


JAMIE: ???, ???. ? ???? ??????? ?? ?????.


(SUBTITLES: No, sir. I have ovaries of steel)


(Cut to Rob and Lilly watching TV in Rob’s living room)


LILLY: Rob, I know they put your reality shows back on Hulu, but I don’t really want to watch them.


ROB: Just wait, I’m about to come in with my signature catch phrase!

ROB: (From TV) Fornicate with THIS GUUUUY!

ROB: We worked that over for months.


(The doorbell rings)


LILLY: Yes! Get up and get the door, I promise I won’t change this.


(Rob sighs and gets up)


ROB: Do whatever you want. (Rob walks to the foyer and opens the door to see Ethan and Jennifer standing there. Jennifer is five months pregnant, and Ethan looks nervous) Whoa. What the fuck?


ETHAN: Hey! My good buddy Rob, how are ya?


ROB: Why do you people keep coming back into my life?!


ETHAN: Did you get a letter from DOJ about Jamie?


(Lilly walks up to the door)


LILLY: Jesus, who the hell are these people?!


ROB: Lilly, calm down, this is my half-sister’s ex-husband and, I’m gonna say, his, son’s professor?


JENNIFER: Fuck you, loser!

ETHAN: Hey! HEY! Let’s keep it civil! Listen, did you send a letter of recommendation for Jamie’s pardon?


LILLY: Wait, YOU’RE Ethan?!

ETHAN: Yes, and YOU’RE way too good for him, are we done pointing out the obvious?!

ROB: You’re the one who said to be civil!


ROB: Yes, I send the letter of rec to the DOJ.


ETHAN: DAMNIT! Rob, you’ve FUCKED me!

ROB: How?!

ETHAN: Jamie made Russian mob connections while she was there! She’s gonna use them against me and my family, my girlfriend is five months pregnant, you know!

JENNIFER: I keep telling him I can take on Russian mobsters by myself, but he doesn’t believe me.


ROB: Can we just calm down?! Look, I was married to Jamie, she wouldn’t do that- (Rob gets a text. He checks it- it’s Jamie. She says “Thanks!! I got the pardons. Ethan’s gonna regret getting his pardons now *Devil Emoji*”) she’s a…okay, yeah, she’s gonna kill you.


(Rob shows Ethan the text)


ETHAN: Oh, Christ.


ROB: I guess three years in Russia hardens a person.


ETHAN: I only spent a summer in Russia. Hardened my liver real good.


JENNIFER: As much as it makes me want to puke, we need to live in your house until this blows over.


ETHAN: This is the last place Jamie would suspect me to be.


ROB: Aren’t you a Hansbay City Councilman?


ETHAN: We’re on our summer recess. We recently realized most city councils don’t work year-round and most of the time members have other jobs.


(Ethan looks at Lilly. She shrugs)


LILLY: It’s your house.


ROB: …I’ll take care of Jamie. In the meantime, you can stay here.


(Ethan sighs with relief)


ETHAN: Thank you.


(Ethan and Jennifer come in and Rob slams the door)


LILLY: God. When you guys shower, does it leave behind that old person smell?


ETHAN: She’s fun.


ROB: Just go upstairs so we can watch Entourage in peace.


LILLY: We’re NOT doing that!

(Cut to Whitney watching a microwave dinner rotate in her kitchen’s microwave. She seems hypnotized by it, until the microwave beeps. She takes it out and rips off the plastic seal. Hannah comes in with her laptop bag)


HANNAH: Honey, that has a lot of sodium.


WHITNEY: Anything else?


HANNAH: I just got back from a therapy session disguised as a writer’s pow-wow under a fucking bridge. Dude couldn’t even meet at a Starbucks.


WHITNEY: Rob paired you with Joss? That’s not what I asked him to do!

(Whitney puts the microwave dinner on the counter)


HANNAH: No, he did what you wanted, but…I made him pair us up instead.




HANNAH: Because! He resented that I told on him! And I feel embarrassed about it now.


WHITNEY: Don’t let him make you feel that way-

HANNAH: But he’s right! I’m twenty-four, I shouldn’t have my girlfriend fight my battles for me.


WHITNEY: …Yeah, I guess you’re right. Since you’re so grown-up now, do you want to make me something other than this- (Whitney indicates to the microwave dinner) chicken alfredo meat pie, thing?


HANNAH: …No, I’m good.


(Hannah smiles and walks to the living room. Whitney walks into the living room, sits down next to Hannah, puts down the microwave dinner, and starts making out with Hannah. Cut to Bonnie walking out of Altmire-Stone Productions with her laptop bag in tow. Noel follows her with his laptop bag)


NOEL: Wait up!

(Bonnie slows down for Noel)


BONNIE: You never fail to sound like a kid, huh?


NOEL: I just have anxiety because I was always left behind when trick-or-treating. Halloween is supposed to be a communal experience, not a race, you know?


BONNIE: I don’t know. Halloween at the orphanage was pretty depressing. The orphanage loved it because it was the one day of the year they weren’t required to feed us.


NOEL: Oh. I’m sorry.


BONNIE: No, I’m sorry, I’m bitching like a sad girl because I had a bad day.


NOEL: I heard. Just so you know, I’ve been a fan of yours for a long time too, but, I would never deceive you like those creeps did.


BONNIE: That’s the nicest way of saying “I’ve nutted to you many times” that I’ve ever heard.


(Noel chuckles)


NOEL: I try. I don’t feel like people should be ashamed of that stuff, you know? Why is our society built on shame?


(Noel and Bonnie arrive at the elevators. Noel presses the down button)


BONNIE: Would it be better if we had no shame?


NOEL: I think so, we’d at least know the assholes are.


BONNIE: I guess you’re right. (The elevator dings, Noel and Bonnie walk inside. Bonnie presses “P2”) Floor?


NOEL: Same. (They stand there in awkward silence for a couple seconds) …Can I ask you something?




(Noel and Bonnie exit the elevator as the doors open, finding themselves on the lower level of an underground parking garage)




NOEL: Do you have plans on Saturday night?


(Bonnie looks surprised)

BONNIE: …Uhm, no, I don’t.


NOEL: Do you want to, have plans on Saturday night?


BONNIE: …With you?


NOEL: Yeah.


(Noel smiles. The camera moves in on Bonnie’s face as she smirks)


BONNIE: …Okay.


(“Doing Things That Artists Do” by the I.L.Y’s starts playing as we cut to Lilly walking out of Rob’s bathroom completely naked. Rob is sitting on his bed, also naked, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He is impressed. Lilly crawls onto the bed, takes the cigarette out of his mouth and throws it aside as she begins making out with him. She coughs out smoke. The two of them laugh and go back to making out. Pan up to the attic. Ethan and Jennifer are sitting on stools, looking miserable, and not making eye contact. Ethan reaches into his bag and pulls out some Chex Mix. He opens it and offers Jennifer some. She shakes her head “no”. Disappointed, Ethan begins eating some. Cut to Bonnie driving in Beverly Hills. She is deep in thought. Cut to Noel in his room, climbing into bed, wearing footie pajamas. His mom comes in with a cup of sleepy time tea. Noel cheerily accepts this and kisses his mom on the cheek. She leaves, turns off the light, and Noel gets under the covers, and closes his eyes with a smile on his face. The song continues into the credits)



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