Survival in Fear

It is possible to survive in a scary place, however the secret is one of astounding complexity and therefore difficult to elucidate, yet I shall herein endeavor to do so.

The first and most important aspect of surviving in a scary place is to keep your wits about you. No matter what abominable unspeakable horrors threaten from lurking shadows, maintain complete control over your emotional reactions and your primeval instinct for survival so as not to fall victim to panic. Composure under duress of terror provides acute command of mental faculty.

Arm yourself with intimate knowledge of the scary place in which you find yourself. Knowledge is power. The deeper your understanding of the scary place, the greater shall be your power to survive.

Consult the Book of the Dead, because this ancient funerary text contains powerful protection spells that will see you safely through whatever morbid dangers you might face. Another highly effective tactic is to delve into the gloaming formulae of the Necronomicon written in time unknown under the desert stars by the Mad Arab Alhazred. This archaic grimoire is equally replete with occult incantations that when whispered amid the ghostly flicker of haunting candle flame give strength to overcome the dreaded Powers of Darkness.

If you find yourself in the Mortuary of Fog, check the state of livor mortis of the corpse on the floor. If suggillation indicates the cadaver has been moved, do NOT take the coins from the Dead Man’s eyes. If the cadaver hasn’t been moved, then most assuredly do pocket the silver pieces, because you’ll need them to pay the Ferryman.

Next, whatever you do, make certain NOT to enter the secret passage behind the bookshelf in the library because it leads into a diabolical death trap, usually a precipitous brink hidden by total darkness that will plummet you downward into a murky pit of phantom-green ectoplasmic slime seething with voracious flesh-devouring beasts of charnel grotesqueness.

Opt instead for the secret passage hidden behind the mummy sarcophagus in the study, because that cloaked corridor is in actuality an enchanted portal that will take you back to the Witch Trials of Salem Village in 1692. Make sure to attire yourself in the fashion of a stern and humorless religious zealot, carrying with you a very old copy of the Testament; otherwise, you may find yourself standing before Nathaniel Hawthorne’s great-great-grandfather, the Hanging Judge John Hathorne.

Seek out the wretched thatch hut of Keziah Mason and give utterance to the secret code by which she will know you - “Bat-winged gryphons look upon trans-cosmic gulfs”. The old witch will then summon her furry little fang-toothed familiar, Brown Jenkin, to guide you to the gargantuan Oak of Doom on the ancient burial-ground hummock in the dreaded Bog of Madness, the immense and antediluvian bole of which embodies another enchanted portal that will transport you into the Glass House of the Astral Plane.

When you find yourself in the confusing convolutions of the twisted maze of the Glass House, remember to follow the Left-Hand rule. It may take several worrisome hours, but as long as you don’t fall into the gross error of turning right, you will eventually emerge from the fearsome tangles of the Glass House to find yourself face to face with the cloak-clad skeletal horror Charon who, in exchange for the silver pieces or the old copy of the Testament, will give you two choices - he’ll ferry you across the River Styx or across the River Lethe. Choose the River Lethe, because the River Styx will take you into the Underworld, the diabolical Stygian darkness from which few mortals ever emerge.

When crossing the River Lethe, whatever you do, remember NOT to drink any of the water or fall overboard, as this will cause irreversible amnesia - you will forget who you are, you will forget everything you know, your entire memory will be totally obliterated forever.

Once across the River Lethe, follow the winding weed-choked trail to the top of the rocky prominence and knock three times on the huge smoke-stained door of the castle ruins.

You will see the ghosts of Henry Hudson and his merry-making crew playing 9-pins in shady green groves high in the Catskills. Kindly refuse even the least sip of the red liquid that flows from their mysterious oaken casks. Slip your feet into a pair of their mystical rose-crowned klompen clogs. This will enable you to walk the reverberating echoes of the rolling thunder back to a place of safety in your own familiar surroundings and time.

The novels penned by Sean Terrence Best provide an excellent source of useful information for how to survive in a scary place.

During your harrowing journey of survival in a scary place, you may happen to pass a quaint garden gate that leads into Canavan’s Backyard. Avoid that ghoulish gate at all costs. It is the Witch’s Acre. It can stretch beyond the bounds of time and space. The whispering grass grows tall. It won’t want you to leave.

If all else fails, tear your clothes into ragged strips and run around in circles flapping your arms wildly while howling hysterically with chittering laughter and babbling incoherently like a raving lunatic. If they think you’re crazy, they won’t harm you.